Sunday, July 27, 2008

Aaron's oil

It's amazing how often we think we are walking alone through life and are the only ones feeling the way we do. We somehow think that even though others face similar things to us, that they somehow deal with it differently. Maybe they don't question or doubt like we do. Maybe their faith is stronger and bigger and ours is weak and brittle for thinking the way we do. I have heard it said that it's a tool of the enemy to isolate us and make us think that we are alone.

But we are not alone in what we face and how we react and feel about it. Others face similar trials and journeys and it is so incredible to find that we are not alone in dealing with them the way we do.

One of my favourite God lover girls, Angie, writes about Moses and how his sister Miriam pushed Moses' basket out into the river. She pushed it out with faith and God came through. Moses was rescued by the daughter of Pharaoh. I can't write the story like Angie has and anyway, it's her revelation. I encourage you to read it.

She described exactly how I feel. How it feels when God doesn't come through in the way you hope. I know what it feels like to be standing in the river having pushed my basket out and God seemingly hasn't come through. My basket just disappeared around the bend in the river....

Again though Angie comes back to the truths that we know. The truth that God has been whispering in my ear constantly since the 29 June. The truths are not that I am infertile and the loss of my Da is irredeemable. The truth is that God knows how I feel and the pain I experience. He loves me, and you, and will not forsake us.

God gave me another picture this week of what we are going through. Sorry if this is a little weird but God often speaks to me in pictures. I saw huge blocks pressing down into one another with incredible force. The pressure of the blocks bearing down was creating oil. It seeped from under the bottom block. It was a picture of our lives at the moment and God said "the oil that dripped down Aaron's beard". I had no idea what this meant and after speaking to someone was directed to Leviticus to investigate further. Leviticus 8: 10 -13 (and Exodus 29)

Aaron was anointed with oil as part of his consecration to serve God in the tabernacle. He was the priest and after washing and dressing, oil was poured over his head which dripped down onto his beard. The oil signified a setting apart, dedicating or consecrating. It was one of the things that was done to make him clean enough to enter the tabernacle and serve God.

So the pressure we are under is making oil in our lives which is setting us apart. It's the process of consecration. That is amazing but to be real, I wish it wasn't quite so hard. This honestly leaves us breathless at times. But I think that's ok, it's ok to wish it wasn't so hard. I am learning to move beyond my performance addiction and not worry about being ok.

God is moving as He moves in all our lives. To know that is enough for now. We are within His purpose and His plan. I know that He loves me and I love Him. Even if I can't react in the normal way I do, He knows I love Him. And I am cherished.

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Jesus knows....

One of my amazing friends is miscarrying for the second time. As with my beloved Da’s death the question “why?” is a heartfelt cry. But for us as humans living in a fallen world many of our “whys” will never be answered and each “why” reveals another hundred “whys” behind it.
Why does God allow us to suffer through infertility and miscarriage? Why do people die too soon? I just don’t know.

As I seek I find that there are no answers but Jesus and the cross. Its true God does not always spare us but he didn’t spare Himself either. He sent part of Himself, His one and only Son and experienced pain and anguish and suffering. The God of heaven humbled Himself and became one of us. So when I cry out to the heavens I know that there is a God who knows. Who understands how I feel and grieve. That really helps me. I have no answers or fancy revelation but I know that God knows.

God doesn’t enjoy watching us suffer. I admit that I have wondered if He does in the darker parts of our valley. But when I read how Jesus reacted to human suffering and how deeply He was moved when He encountered suffering, I know that He suffers when we do. He knows what it’s like to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

The High Priest Who Cried Out in Pain
14-16Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.
Hebrews 4: 15 (NLT)

Suffering and pain reveal Jesus. I am more in love with Jesus now than ever before through what we walk through. Somehow this journey allows me to see more and more of Jesus. The only time in the four gospels Jesus is addressed as God directly by the disciples, is when Thomas saw the wounds inflicted by Jesus’ suffering (end of John). Jesus’ suffering reveals Himself. Likewise my suffering reveals Jesus and I see Him more clearly.

Does this make living now easier? Yes it does. It’s of immense comfort to me that God knows. I wish my friend’s tiny baby was safe in her. I wish my Da was here. But still I know that God knows what its like to be me here, wishing for a perfect world.

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Friday, July 11, 2008

Waiting for the dawn

Again really comforted by Angie's blog...

I have spent a lot of time crying in the last few days, and I would love to ask for your prayers. I know that this season (and many more to come) will have peaks and valleys. It's just that when you are in the valley, you feel like you won't ever come out. I think one of Satan's greatest schemes is making us feel hopeless because we don't have the strength to climb again. He doesn't want us to believe that God is our rescuer, that He can carry us. He wants us to feel like God doesn't see us, doesn't know how weak we are. He wants us to believe that our Father has left us, cold and without comfort. No flowers, no blanket, no parent. Just the night sky and the sound of silence. I know it isn't true, but I want to say it because I'm sure there are others who feel this way, and I want you to know that I understand.

At the moment there is no comfort as we sit at the bottom of this dark crevasse and hope for the dawn. But I know that this will pass and I will be able to feel God's loving touch and the sun of joy and laughter again.

I felt this after the miscarriage and so I have been in this place before. It's cold and dark and silent. But here we have to rely on faith and what we have learnt. That God is faithful and His promises are yes and amen.

When God's promises seem empty and the words He has placed in my heart seem like my own imagination I have to remember what He has done. That He is faithful and He will rescue us. That I am cherished and loved.
That somehow this is our year of Jubilee. Even though the natural tells me that there is no way this could possibly be our year of Jubilee and in fact this is the worst year yet, I have to choose faith. That He is faithful and His promises are yes and amen.

Again Angie expresses my heart...

I will leave you with a verse that God has brought to me many times in the last few days, and it has brought me great peace. I hope it does the same for you.

“The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17

Sunday, July 6, 2008

The week that was

Well, here we are. Not even a week on. It was today a week ago that my Da was here. In fact this time last Sunday he was with us. Can't really dwell on that too much. We are still in shock I think and are struggling to accept that what has happened is real.

I know this blog is about infertility but this eclipses our childlessness for now. The thing I struggle with the most is that he will never know our children. They will never know what it's like to be wrapped up in his arms and made to feel safe and loved. He was adopted and so was going to help make adoption ok for our children and help them understand that an adopted family is the same and better. The pain of the loss of that wisdom is hard to describe.

His Kelly dog went to be with him today. She was so old and knew her beloved Dad was not around, we think she gave up.

I thank God for the total peace and utter conviction that he is with Jesus. I don't know what we would have done if we did not know that. How do I know that? I don't know but last Monday I just knew. It was a word deep in my heart. Our Da came along to church and we'd had significant conversations and asked him to keep his heart open to God during this time. He said he would and his heart was so soft.

God has been merciful- we both got to tell him that we loved him. It was the last thing we both said to him. I put my arms around him and told him I loved him. And the boys got to spend one last weekend up at the bach (beach house) with him the weekend before.

And I know that God is in control. We are not angry and we don't even have questions, we just have this gaping hole in our lives and we don't understand. This hurts so bad and we don't understand. I got sent these verses from a beloved friend last week and I have been holding onto them.

The Lord rules over the floodwaters.
The Lord reigns as king forever.
The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace. Psalm 29: 10 and 11

We don't understand but we know that God is in control. This seems as if it is so wrong and cannot make sense, but God is enthroned over this. He is in control.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

My Dad

I believe that He is your healer. That the prayers we prayed for you were answered and you are in heaven with Jesus whole and healed. God came through, just not in the way our human hearts hoped and longed for. But I know that you are free, free from pain, free to go for long walks along heaven's shores looking for the perfect fishing hole.

You have left a hole in our lives that only God can fill. We miss you every moment. We love you so much. Words can't describe how much we love you.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The unthinkable

The unthinkable has happened. My beloved Da, my father-in-law passed away suddenly on Sunday night. His heart could not take the strain of chemo. Our world has imploded and it's unthinkable to think that he won't be in our future. The thing that we could not bear is here.

We love you Dad

We love that our family revolved around you

We love that you made our family a safe haven for us

We love that you fathered the fatherless

We love that you cared for the widows in our street

We love that you believed in our dreams

We love you with all our hearts

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