I am so tired. Emotionally drained without any reserves . Am I supposed to feel this way at this stage- 32 weeks? Is it part of pregnancy? I have no idea.
There's been so much going on. An emotional earthquake has ripped through my sweet little business and there are massive changes to come. In my personal life I tried to please someone and ended up pleasing no-one with the consequences unexpected. Anyone been there? And there seem to be more friend and family tangles coming.
I am so tired. I keep wanting calmer waters but don't see any in sight.
A verse keeps running though my head and I know it's for me from Him. "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- I'll show you how to do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matt 11:28
There's no real answer except what is found in Him. Life does not slow down and there is no typical rest period for us pre-baby. This is what we have and I know we can do it, with grace and ease. The way and the answer are found in Him.
I am reading a wonderful book at the mo. I have to ration the time I spend reading it as I have a couple of birth books and oh, the BIBLE to read as well. Not spending as much time there as I would like.... gotta get in the Word more.
There's a lack of positive and uplifting books for an adoptive parent to read, I have found. Much of this is because of the philosophy and beliefs that pervade the culture we live in. I have essentially found that the social services and justice system is not pro-adoption in NZ. And this has been confirmed by our lawyer and other adoptive parents too.
In the 50's and 60's children were removed from their birth mothers and adoption was closed. Bad for everyone concerned. We have seen the effects in our own family and it's not pretty. But the pendulum has swung too far the other way where sometimes it's hard to find any positive viewpoint on adoption at all. The pressure that is placed on young girls (even Sweetpea at 14 years old) to keep the baby is wrong.
*Disclaimer for any birth mums reading this* Don't get me wrong, sometimes it IS good for birth mums to keep their babies and I am all for choice. The choice is YOURS and yours alone right up until you sign the papers. But if you have made up your mind, like Sweetpea did, then support is needed, not coercing.
Recommended adoption literature seems to support this viewpoint with the belief that nothing is as good as the birth mum/ child relationship and the adoptive child is doomed to spend their lives trying to fill the gap left by separation/ loss. One of the books recommended by the adoption social services is the Primal Wound. Oh boy. I read this book at the time when the first adoption possibility we were approached with had failed.
We were away on holiday and I started reading this book. It filled me with a devastating sense of loss that I would never be a "real" mother. Not only could I not produce a child myself but if I was fortunate enough to adopt I would not be able to fully be a mother as I would not be good enough. I drove to the boat ramp to pick up my hubbie and I drove right to the edge of the river. I had one foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake. The car jerked forward until I could see down into the river. I wondered how long it would take for someone to find me and I just wanted to end it all. It would have been so easy. I am not how long I sat there but it took a superhuman effort to put the car into reverse and back off. It took me to a bad place that took me months to climb out from.
Yes there is a wound caused at our birth but it's caused by separation from God not from a person. We all have to deal with a primal wound and only Jesus can heal it.
My father-in-law who was adopted helped me deal with some of this loss and poo-pooed the book. As an adoptee (from a closed adoption and very happy for it to remain so) he gave me hope. How I miss that man!
So I am always looking for books to read that are real and balanced. That don't deny adoption issues but are also positive and affirming about adoption. This book I have been reading is fabulous. It presents a rational and balanced perspective on bonding/ attachment and a whole lot of other issues.
It's called "Talking with Young children about adoption" by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher. I originally got it to know how to start to bring up the topic with Rupi. Our adoption is very open and we want it to be something he has always known about. But the book has turned out o be so much more! I can't recommend it enough.
One of my favourite lines is: "Adoptive parents often lose sight of the fact that their children's nonadopted peers are fighting the same battles and feeling the same pains but are scrapping on fields other than the adoption front, using other metaphors." Ahhh... the sound of sanity!
Another great author (and I think she is adopted herself) is Sherrie Eldridge. Her books are also quite balanced and we got the idea for a life book out of this book. I got both books off Amazon.
So one of the things we are doing is getting a life book together for Rupi. We got ours from Parents inc and it's called MyStory.
It's such fun putting it together and at the beginning of the book there we are along with Sweetpea and J. So hopefully Rupi will start to associate us and him with Sweetpea and J from the beginning.
Because this IS wonderful and positive and amazing. Chosen by Sweetpea and orchestrated by God, a family was made. And we need to read about how incredible it can be and work towards that, not worry about the gaps and lack and focus on the negative! Amen!
Here I sit waiting for more food. If you know me, you know that I am pretty healthy eater. Well, not today....
I am starving.
I started with a chocolate bar when buying office stationary and then scoffed it in the car on the way to my meeting. Abnormal behaviour. Chocolate is to be treasured and not scoffed with no attention paid.
I them moved onto a pie for lunch. I HAD to have a pie. And I can't remember the last time I had a pie. A bit like the unbelievable craving I had for Coke (evil bad substance that has not passed my lips for years!) a while back. I had to have some. No control. So I did.
Then at home I have just slavered arrowrrot biscuits (plain biscuits) with butter and ate them. The last time I had a plain biscuit with butter was when I was about 10 years old and they were Marie biscuits in South Africa.
And now I have dispatched my poor husband with Rupi to go and get fish and chips for dinner. He valiantly tried to deflect this craving onto something more healthy and was still trying as I shooed him out the door. A chicken wrap? NO. Japanese? NO. Anything other than fish and chips? NO. NO. NO.
So here I sit, waiting for food. It better hurry up.
We have spent the weekend with these little mites. They are the cutest things. They attempt to mother Rupiand sit and play with my hair while I stick glitter butterfly clips in theirs. They live out in the sticks near a huge lake with a big dog- this adds up to space and running and freedom. Bliss.
They are Rupi's cousins and we had the best time with them and their Mommy and Daddy. Daddy was a famous rugby league player and knows everything about sport. I try to hide my extreme lack of knowledge on this area when around him, haha!!! They are wonderful amazing people with a relaxed and loving house. Daddy made his gourmet pizzas for us on Sat night and we watched movies and chilled out. And their Mommy, my hubbie's sister, is the only one who has felt baby girl move other than us. So special!
[My beautiful infertile friends may wish to skip this post. I think I'll post a warning when I think a post is too much as I know I am in the "hard phase" for someone to see who's going through infertility. You know, the heavily pregnant and newborn phase....]
This is incredible. We have loved this whole pregnancy and are still overwhelmed with thankfulness that we get to do this. Who would have thought? Not us, that's for sure!
We have relaxed more and more as we have progressed without any worry (thank you God and my amazing body!) and are thoroughly loving each moment.
Now that the end is in sight we are trying to appreciate every second. After all it's highly unlikely I will be here again. With Rupi , God broke through. His name means "restorer" and God truly restored. With this baby girl, God gave us an abundance. This is the cherry on the top and the high note.
I stare at my bump in awe. And the feeling of having her move inside me is indescribable. It is one of the most incredible things I have ever experienced. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. She moves! A little person moves inside ME. The so-called barren one!
My heart just sings!
And while we wait and appreciate and cherish, this little man brings us such joy. A determined, methodical, Mommy and Daddy's boy, who fills the house and our hearts to bursting point.
We went to a party on Sat night and I did a LOT of standing and even some dancing. We left a bit early because baby girl was kicking me so much (think the music was too loud) and I felt like I was going to lie down and die.
I have strained myself in places no-one should and I am not going to explain how much I hurt and where. Let's just say it's a girl thing.
So today I got myself one of these. It's a belly belt and it feels so much better. When will I learn that I am pregnant and can't cavort around like normal?
I got the belly belt at my favourite shop. It's the shop that used to make me die inside as an infertile and I still can't quite walk in and feel like I belong. But the sales staff are so nice and the clothes are so lovely and they fit! It's not cheap so I shop when they are on sale which is a whole 2 times since I got pregnant.
So really I have a dress (heavily discounted as a birthday present and oh so lovely), 2 tops (got 70% off- go me!) and a belly belt. No-one would call me a regular customer now would they?
Anyway, I was in there today pleading for a belly belt and I saw these!!!! I found them on the internet and was going to order one around the 8th month. They look fabulous and supposedly help you after birth to get all the muscles and what-nots sucked back into where they should be. I am liking it. Like a huge stretchy bandage...!
So for the price of this in US$ I can get it without postage costs in NZ$. Yay! I was very happy. AND this shop has bras that lift AND separate. Because to be honest, I am hating the maternity bra I have and sneak in the odd occasional wearing of my friend the forbidden under wire bra. For those times when I do not want to appear that I have one solid shelf of a chest...
So I am happy and my nether regions are happy and my tummy will be happy after birth. One huge happy family!
I am so glad that you are here! Make yourself at home, grab a cup of coffee and put your feet up.
This is the story of me and those I love. I have journeyed (and often stumbled!) through infertility, adoption, egg donation and motherhood.
I am so grateful to be a wife and finally a mother! I thank God continually for the blessings He has given me. I love my life and my God!