Tomorrow is two years from the dayour hearts broke. The day you, my wonderful father-in-law went to be with Jesus.
I miss you so much still.
I miss you at times that are unexpected. One of of the two happiest days of my life, giving birth to Blossom, felt incomplete because you were not there. I sat on the hospital bed and my heart waited for you. Waited for you to walk in the room and hug me. For you to tell me how proud you were of me and take Blossom in your arms. You would have cried and I would have cried and you would have said 'You did good, girl".
I missed you then and miss you now.
I miss how amazing you would have been to Rupi and Blossom. That's what I miss the most. You were an incredible grandparent to my nieces. You were so hands on and I remember my heart aching watching you. Longing for you to be holding my babies. I would have trusted you with my precious babies totally and utterly.
You were a father in a million, a father-in-law without compare and a priceless grand father.
I wish I had something exciting to blog about but really I don't. Life is about survival right now and I live in a bubble. I could blog about how incredibly tired I am but that's just boring and verging on complaining (and I won't do that!)
Rupi woke up 3,000 times last night and so was a nightmare at Mainly Music today. He threw himself on the ground in the MIDDLE of the circle as he had to give his drum a.k.a ice cream container back at the end of a song. Nice one. Oh, and shoved (his new trick) about 500 children during morning tea. He's a strong little boy, which I am proud of, and so flattens other children when he shoves them...not so proud at this point.
Blossom continues to grow and is super cute. She's just a little baby and so who can blame her for yelling and shouting a lot? Not me. That's just what baby's do. Although she was the loudest baby in the parents room at church again on Sunday. Yikes. I have tuned her yelling out to a large degree (survival tactic) and so it took me a while to notice she was yelling from the other end of the room at one point. She was meant to be sleeping but had decided otherwise. Many, many mothers looked at me as I walked the walk of shame across the large room to the pram that was emitting ear splitting howls and jerking from side to side as Blossom made her displeasure known. I slunk out to pacify her and she promptly stopped yelling and coo-ed at me. Girls. I tell you.
They are both asleep at the mo. I really should be asleep too but am waiting for the midwife. Maybe I will just rest my eye lids on the couch for a minute....
One thing that has surprised me about the whole pregnancy shenanigans is breast feeding. I didn't want to do it as I didn't see the point. I was not breast fed (and am really close to my Mom!) and Rupi wasn't breast fed (and we are really close) so despite being Little Miss Natural, I just wasn't convinced.
As birth approached I bowed to the pressure of well meaning family and friends. "Well", I thought, "let's give it a go." So about 20 minutes after birth the midwife latched Blossom on.
The pain sent me through the roof.
And mind you, I had had NO drugs during labour so knew what pain was! We got a lactation consultant in who tried again. At this stage I was sobbing. No go, I had a voracious baby and very sensitive....you know whats, so it was a failure. After these two attempts I was bleeding.
I tried on and off that day and into the night. I really wanted to go home but needed to sort out what the heck I was going to do. I thank God for my mid wife who wrote on my chart "May not breastfeed" so I got no pressure from the hospital midwives. (NZ is VERY pro breast feeding... and that's an understatement!) A wonderful hospital midwife got me onto an electric pump and I was away. The pain from a machine was bearable. The pain from Blossom was not.
So I have been expressing but it's just become too much. I have to find an extra 2 hours a day to sit in front of a pump. And that's not counting the time washing and talking care of the equipment. I really wanted it to work but my sanity comes first. Again, well meaning friends and family have applied pressure and the guilt at it not working out has been overwhelming at times. But I have a small toddler and a new born and I can't do it all.
My mid wife and hubbie have been amazing and encouraged me to stop. Just stop. In my mid wife's words " A mother who is coping is worth more to your baby than breast milk". So I am in the process of letting my milk dry up. And part of me is so sad. Everything about pregnancy and birth is so precious that it really hurts to lose this.
I am surprised how much I have loved feeding my baby from me. It's been a rare and precious gift and I am so grateful I got to experience it.
Well I survived my week (ok, half a week). Friday was touch and go but I made it. The moment I hear hubbies car pull up is so very sweet. I can almost hear the hooves of his white horse as he gallops up the driveway to save the day!
Blossom is 17 days old today. I am learning about her and what makes her tick. She is very different to Rupi in every way. He was a lot bigger to start off with. On formula only (obviously). Like a clock with routine and thrived on it. She is more fragile and likes to be held. She is on breast milk with a bit of formula at night. Routine is more flexible with her. Just different and her own little person.
I am desperately trying to free her from expectation and comparison with Rupi. It's hard as he is all I know about babies but I feel it's so important to allow Blossom to be herself. Which is a unique little person made in the image of God. Not in the image of Rupi!
The danger is that we remember only the times when they were sleeping through, bang on routine and generally through all the hard work stages. I know I forget what it was like in the early days with Rupi as I forgot that he went cross-eyed like Blossom is doing at the mo. My friend M reminded me that I freaked out when Rupi did it as I am when Blossom does it. You can understand though can't you? Your baby's one eye wandering in another direction to the other....a little scary!
Where was I? Oh yes, sleep deprivation makes you forget things. Like your name and phone number. True story but that tangent is too long and windey.
So Blossom is just her own little person. And I refuse to start labelling her in comparison to Rupi. And won't allow others to either. So I am not applying words like "demanding", "hard", "not easy" etc to her.
She is cute and bright eyed, a Mommy's neck-cuddle-snuffler, a brother's love and a Daddy's princess.
She is Blossom (hear her roar!!! And quite a roar it is!)
This morning I did the breakfast run solo, my dress rehearsal. Got up, fed Blossom, expressed and then got Rupi up and potty-ed and fed. I needed to as the hubbie is back to work tomorrow. All I can say is "heck" It's quite full on....
And sometimes someone is just going to have to cry. Most times it will be me.
Blossom is doing very well. Very different to Mr Routine I have to say. She's more flexi and also more clingy. She definitely prefers me still, guess she knows my voice. And I smell like the milk bar!!
Rupi is adjusting ok-ish. We'll see what happens tomorrow when I can't give him my full attention (gulp!) He likes to give Blossom hugs in his enthusiastically violent but very loving way!
I am feeling fine. The "under carriage" is healed and no longer bruised and painful and so all is well in my little world. Now all that's missing is some shut eye...
Here is Mr Enthusiastic loving his sister....! Super cute.
I am so glad that you are here! Make yourself at home, grab a cup of coffee and put your feet up.
This is the story of me and those I love. I have journeyed (and often stumbled!) through infertility, adoption, egg donation and motherhood.
I am so grateful to be a wife and finally a mother! I thank God continually for the blessings He has given me. I love my life and my God!