Rupi's language is developing thick and fast and some of the words he says are priceless...! He got his first set of pajamas recently. Up until now he's been in merino pants and tops. He is SO proud of his pajamas and calls them wa-wees, his version of "pajamas".
Here he is first thing this morning, still in his sleepsack. He says his take on "pajamas" and adds in "yeah, cool" after saying it....then says his name. He is sooooo cute! [Please ignore how lame I sound!]
This post makes me a little nervous as I know how many Equippers peeps read this blog (!) Please remember when reading it that we cannot always watch every word that comes out of our mouths and I am not saying that we need to. Our views and opiniosn are shaped (partly) by our own experiences, and that's more than ok.
On Sunday someone asked me how I have been. "It's been full on" I replied. "Oh" they said and then in an encouraging tone said "You know that around church circles it's said that no-one has capacity like a Mum with young kids. And if you want to hand a full on ministry to someone you choose a Mum who has had young kids."
Everything in me wanted to hand Blossom to them to hold while I bashed their head in. NO, something in me yelled. I DISAGREE! I realisedI was having an extreme reaction to an innocuous (and encouraging and complimentary) comment and so smiled and went off to chat to my wise Sounding-Board-in-Heaven during worship. I pray that this person didn't see anything inside me at that point (I don't think they did) as they are wonderful and kind and loving.
I needed to find out why I disagreed so vehemently. After a chat to my Loving Father I realised that I reacted as a recovering infertile to the view that you need to have had kids to be qualified. To have something that otherwise you couldn't. That if you don't have kids or haven't experienced multiple kids you cannot possible have developed a large capacity. That's wrong and I know that's not what this person meant. But it is a view that holds many holes. The person with the largest capacity I know (she's very very well known and loved at Equippers- a clue!) is still waiting for children. This girl and her hubbie have a capacity that has stunned and inspired Dida and I.
Once I calmed down and took a deep breath (as I knew this person was just making conversation.... and is kind and nice.) I found I still disagreed. Based on my experience of having small children and having been an infertile this is it:
Having small children builds physical capacity. You multi-task in ways you never comprehended before. I added working to the mix and so multi-tasking and list making have become a fine art. The last 4 months have been the most physically taxing of my life. I have been more tired than I can express. Sometimes I am so tired I can't get a straight word out. I ache.
Infertility treatment is also physically taxing but it's for a shorter time period. This period will last for years. I have bags and smudges under my eyes for the first time. And no matter how long I sleep in, I wake tired.
A trial like infertility or sickness builds emotional and mental capacity. Like nothing else. Needing God to help me breathe and eat and walk and function built an emotional & mental capacity into like nothing else. At the worst times I needed God to help me get out of bed in the morning. We would do life together one step at a time. This time is not doing that.
So the two are different. Different types of capacity at different times and stages of life. That makes sense to me. I do think that we can develop massive capacity regardless of our circumstances and what we go through. There is no one size fits all. And I think a barren woman could (and many do) have the capacity that a Mum does.
Anyway, this is a good post for me to crystalise my thinking. [It may have bored some of you to tears- hopefully you stopped reading a long time before this! ] My reaction was extreme and a gut reaction and I'm very glad I internalised it. And the conversation is untraceable so no-one knows who it was. Because the person is lovely and was only trying to have a chat...!
I went on a date with my second most favourite man in the world. We wandered along the street hand in hand, looked in windows and admired machinery. We stopped and had coffee (and a fluffy- frothed chocolate milk) with a gingerbread man on the side. We watched out for buses and other big things with wheels. It was bliss!
Waiting for the arrival of the fluffy and spotting a bus
....my little girl. We flew solo again. Dida and Rupi went to the bach for the second weekend in a row. They had so much fun last weekend Dida begged to go again and this last weekend was the only one that worked out. I considered going but the lack of electricity, giant storm and all of us sleeping in one room put me off. They had soooo much fun and Dida's Tapora tank is filled to the brim. He's happy = me happy.
....my new top! Woohoo! I finished it and I love it. Pattern is Simplicity 3535 (A Project Runway pattern) and the fabric is from here. A chocolate silk (on sale, hehe!) I must admit it's more sheer than expected. Yikes, as I am super modest. Oh well, will wear a tank top underneath! I would take a photo of it on me but I am too lazy.
...a visit from Rupi's birth grandmother and husband and their little girl. They are such amazing people and we love them! She is young and hip and not a grandmother at ALL so decided that she would be called "Auntie". Rupi loves their little girl (who is about 8 years old) and they played so cutely together. Rupi (thank the Lord as his separation anxiery seems to be lessening!) was freely distributing hugs and kisses and Auntie was melting. Awwww. Hopefully we can catch up with J, Rupi's birthfather in a few weeks time when we go away as we haven't seen him since Rupi turned one. As Dida reminded me though, J has to want to see us. I would love to see him though.
...watching my little girl sleep in her hammock. She sticks her nose up and all you see are two little nostrils! So funny!
It's raining here in New Zealand. A lot. We have a low pressure system the size of Australia moving over our little island. And that means rain and wind. Lots of rain and wind.
But there hasn't been a lot of thunder. I heart thunder. And lightning. I looove storms. I grew up on the Highveld which is 2000m above sea level. The air crackles it's so dry at times. So the electrical rain storms are incredible. Skies filled with jagged fingers of lightning and rolls of thunder that seem to shake the house. [Here you learn what to do in an earthquake- there you learn what to do in a lightning storm!]
Thunder to me represents God. Thunder means the rain is on it's way. Breakthrough is coming. And I am listening for thunder right now.
I need breakthrough. I need work. The well is dry. So I am listening for thunder. This week I believed for breakthrough every single day. My first upon waking was "Today is the day, God". I stood (literally) on His Word. Thursday I thought I heard thunder. It was a rumble- we'll see if it roars again.
This is what I am standing on:
And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:19
I wrote it on a piece of paper, put it on the floor and stood on it. Declared it and declared breakthough. I am waiting for thunder.
Teadid a series on living simply. I loved it and have been thinking tons about it. We are in a season where living simply is our only choice. A new business and little children mean that things are tight financially. And I don't mind. It's been a season of "decluttering" and almost purification. Sounds wierd but without a lot even the small things take on significance.
As I am a designer I think about spaces a lot. A lot! And I have been thinking about our house. Our house is small- 98sqm. When you fit two adults, two children and a business into the space there isn't a spare centimeter. So it does needs to be bigger but how much bigger?
In western society we seem to move to bigger and bigger houses. The bigger the better is the mantra. But is it? I don't think so.
I read an article by Stella McCartney which made me think. Her mom came from a wealthy family and her Dad created a lot of money. So they could have afforded huge houses. But they chose to live in small houses. She said they lived in a two bedroom house when she was a child. She also said her mom would have had them all in one bedroom if she could. It struck such a chord with me. Why do we look to purchase bigger and bigger houses? In most cases it just creates separation between family members and a waste of space. Do I want a bigger house with loads of bedrooms and rooms? Rooms like entertainment rooms, billiard rooms, rumpus rooms etc? No. No I don’t.
I like living simply and that applies to my house too. I want a house where we live together, not separately. I don't want a house where we can co-exist without seeing one another. And if that means we have less space rather than more, bring it on!
Yesterday I took a morning off work and we went to visit my Dad at his work. All the other grand kiddies have been to visit Poppa except us. So after much emotional blackmail (by Poppa) we made our way into the city accompanied by the pram and 14,000 bags and bits/ bobs to visit him.
[*** I am changing my son's name on the blog and calling him Rupi. It's what he calls himself so why not.... He calls his sister Hut or Hutch but I think we'll leave her name as Blossom. A tad more feminine I think. My hubbie will become Dida which is what Rupi calls him too. ]
Here is Mow (the nanny and what Rupi calls her- like "low" but with an "m") and Rupi. Yes, Rupi has rocky road, don't tell Dida. He is the food police and a marshmallowy, nutty, chocolate concoction of goodness is not part of our food pyramid.
Mow is claustrophobic and has a fear of heights. She took the stairs to the third floor where we were and was hyperventilating. She spent the visit back downstairs where she could touch the ground, poor girl. Unfortunately the entry to my Dad's work is opposite a bordello, love the inner city, so Mow loitered a little further up the road...!
Here I am with my Dad. I am a bit of a Daddy's girl. Please ignore red rimmed eyes, they are a normal part of life right now!
And of course Blossom who fell asleep 10 minutes before we moved her and woke her up again. Such is life.
And Mama and Rupi in Poppa's office. That was the face for the entire visit- stern- DO NOT APPROACH ME face. Nice.
Poppa loved it and so did the ladies in his office who oohed and aahed over Blossom and tried (with little success) to engage my small son. I had a good strong latte with my Dad and so all was well in my little world. Mow is still recovering from her attempt to access the third floor.
Was reading Stephanie'spost (she is super cute) and she mentioned "blogger stats". Never looked before and so was having a browse.... and saw I have readers from KENYA!!! So excited, I mean, Kenya is close to Uganda. And Uganda is where the orphans are. The orphans my business is for. See here, hereand here.
Today is extra special in our house. We are celebrating Fathers Day (our second one ever!) and also the life of the amazing person who made us parents.
Sweetpea turns 17 years old today. This young woman is one of the bravest and most courageous people I have ever met. I love her to the moon and back. Three years ago she did not realise that her life would change for ever that year. And then at the tender age of 15 years old she would make a life altering decision. To share her baby boy with us and make us parents. We can never thank her enough. But I love her for her too. Aside from her gift to us. She is loving and musical and loyal and kind. She is Sweetpea and we love her.
And then there is "Dida" or "Ma-Dida" (my Daddy). The man that provides for us, protects us and loves us. He is an AMAZING father. One of the things that made infertility so hard for me was that I knew how wonderful he would be as a father. I just knew he would be incredible and the not knowing if he ever would be a Daddy was so hard. But now our mourning has turned to dancing and our dawn has come. Yay!
I am so glad that you are here! Make yourself at home, grab a cup of coffee and put your feet up.
This is the story of me and those I love. I have journeyed (and often stumbled!) through infertility, adoption, egg donation and motherhood.
I am so grateful to be a wife and finally a mother! I thank God continually for the blessings He has given me. I love my life and my God!