Cherished

Some

2012-02-12T19:59:00.003+13:00

This little girl is always on the move. Walking and talking. Non-stop. Her little voice fills the house and if no-one is in the room to talk to, she will talk to her stuffed toy, or puzzle or book.

I love how she places a demand on me. So assured of her place in my life in and in our house, she never hesitates to ask. "Up?" is most common question and once up on my hip she is able to direct me. " 'is way" she says and points her arm. "Some?" is the next most common question as she always wants what I am eating. I am more than happy to share my food and let her use my hip as mode of transport. I would give her the shirt off my back and I love to hear her ask. It gives me endless pleasure to give to her.

She is my little girl. At 20 months old she still has rubber band wrists and baby feet. Such little feet! A delicate looking child that is more than able to hold her own. I pray her confidence remains as it's a treasure to see.

My girl ♥

My Slap-Dash Musings

2012-02-09T13:55:00.002+13:00

Inspired (and endlessly amused) by Gails Slap Dash Musings here is a list of my own:

♥ Mama is the bomb

No-one finds things like me, I mean, no-one. Buzz was looked for, yearned for and mourned. But I found him. There he is, HEY Buzz there under the pink sunhat! Could the hiding be from the fact his arms & hands have been chewed off my his owner???

♥ My Mac

(the ♥ is a bit of a stretch, should be on "maybe like") Moving from a windows PC to a Mac has been a NIGHTMARE. Mainly due to still having to use my super expensive windows based programs. There have been times where I have truly hated the Mac. Seriously. And we are not quite out of the woods yet.

♥ Her hair

I love it love it love it. I do plaits/ pony tails/ pig tails/ hair bands and clips. One at a time or a combination or multiples. Luckily Blossom loves having her hair brushed (phew!)

♥ Freakish-ly organized

As I now have a whole (albeit small) room to myself for an office, I have organized myself into a coma. Here are my new insides of my new white drawers. Be still my beating heart.

♥ Sweetpea and her Mum

No photos just a story. They came up to the Big Smoke yesterday and so we did the gelato run and came back to our place. Loved it. Just natural and very normal. We always thought that they had no idea how old we were. The adoption profile didn't say and we were terrified they would turn us down if they knew. In conversation I admitted my age yesterday. "Oh yes, we knew how old you are" came the reply. WHAT? Apparently they always knew and there we are tiptoeing around the topic for 3 1/2 years. Gotta love us, we are utter dorks...!

simplify

2012-02-07T13:48:00.001+13:00

It's been quiet here on the little blog. I have not been sure how to say what's on my heart. It's been too big, too massive and we are still learning (I am not pregnant BTW)

The last 4 months or so have been a God-journey. I firmly believe He's led us along a path. And here we are, students and beginners but at least I feel we have our feet firmly on the road. We are learning to simplify. The word seems too small to capture all that it means. We are awake. Awake to our surroundings, the world and what lies beyond.

Simplify.

My word for 2012 but I think it's the word that will define me and my life for many years to come. It's so exciting, this new journey. We are listening and considering and praying and researching. My whole mind set has changed. This city dweller, apartheid child who only knew about happiness bound in consumerism and restrictions is learning. God is reforming my mind.

Our eyes are open and our ears hear. God is at work in our lives and I want to be on board. This is our chance to simplify and I don't want to miss it.

I feel like I have said it all and said nothing at the same time. Sorry. Maybe I am simplifying my words too, ha! I hope that it will unfold over time and make more sense...

Good boy

2012-01-31T13:49:00.011+13:00

My boy is often misunderstood. On the continuum of femininity vs masculinity, he is perched at the far end of the masculine side. There's nothing about him that is less than 100% masculine. He is tall and strong and testosterone charged. He expresses himself physically and wrestles, pushes and runs his way through life.

If Rupi was born 50 or 60 years ago, he would have been society's ideal. Being socially acceptable back them did not mean playing quietly with toys, or skipping gently alongside one's play mate. Back then being a boy was about climbing trees and riding helter skelter down a slope, swimming with abandon and coming inside for meals only.

He's polite and says please and thank you. But he may not always reply when spoken to or say good bye or give a cuddle upon request. He may also wrestle and shove more than is socially acceptable.

He's not "good".

And I am learning to be ok with that. We are realising that this world and the state it's in, requires people to be strong. Resolute and determined. It needs people who won't fall in with what is acceptable. People who challenge the status quo. Rupi is all that and more.

This post from Kelly's Korner made me feel like a million dollars. Her little girl is a lot like Rupi. And she is also learning to embrace and accept. She linked to this post too. I loved it. Good children are not always God-fearing. I want a God-lover child and that means he may be misunderstood and non-conforming.

Rupi is not a good boy. Amen for that.

Dairy free YUMMO Zucchini loaf

2012-01-26T19:29:00.007+13:00

** My Mom is doing well, yippee! We are waiting for the biopsy results but she is doing so great. Her lone lung is a star!**

I baked this bit of yumminess today. It's diary free AND has a secret ingredient...zucchini/ courgettes! The kids had no idea and loved every bite. I am always after ways of getting more veggies into my non-veggie eater son. And after dairy free yummy recipes for Blossom.

This recipe was in a book my Mom and Dad gave me for Christmas and it has a few diary free/ veggie baking ideas. Carrot cake/ carrot and pecan slice/ sweet potato cake and this one. And when you look at how much sugar a bowl of cereal has in it, this is a relatively healthy alternative (with secret veggies, have I mentioned that??)

Zucchini bread (from "Bake" by Rachel Allen)

400g (14oz) plain flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp bicarbonate of soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp grouind cloves
300g (11oz) castor sugar
100g (3 1/2 oz) demerara sugar- I used plain brown sugar
3 eggs, beaten
200ml (7fl oz) sunflower oil.
2 tsp vanilla extract- I used vanilla essence
380g (13oz) courgettes, grated with skin on
75g (3oz) chopped walnuts- I used pecans and chopped them super fine.

Two 13x23cm (5 x 9in) loaf tins

Preheat oven to 150d C (300d F) Butter/ oil and flour tins.
In a large bowl sift in the flour, salt, bicarbonate of soda, baking powder and spices. Add both sugars and mix well.
Add the beaten eggs, oil, vanilla extract and grated courgettes to the dry ingredients and mix well until combined. Add the walnuts, mix in and divide between the two loaf tins.
Bake in oven for 1- 1 1/4 hours or until inserted skewer comes out clean. leave in tins to cool for 20 min and turn out onto a wire rack.
Serve on its own or toasted and buttered (with Olivani, our dairy free spread!)

Very little

2012-01-22T19:24:00.000+13:00

Tonight a million scriptures are running through my head. I am prayed up but still a bit anxious. My Mom has her lung removed in the morning. She's scared. But what bothers me more is that my Dad is scared. He didn't say as much but he asked me to pray hard for my Mom and hugged me with a hard hug. I know him and that speaks volumes. I am a little freaked out.

I heard this morning in church that God likes us to be real. He takes what we have and makes it enough. Ok then. I am a bit scared. This situation didn't work out so well last time. It is different but the same enough to be very uncomfortable.

We need this to be ok. We need the surgeon to find everything contained in that lung. And we need him to find sweet nothing in the lymph nodes near the lung. Nothing but normal lymph node goodness.

So I have very little tonight. And I trust that it will be enough for Him and this will be ok.

No thank you

2012-01-19T13:36:00.002+13:00

Loving the "super Vivid color" setting on my camera!

I started my own business because I had to bring in some money. Rupi was about 7 months old and I needed to do something. We weighed up all the options and decided on my own design business. Mainly because having my own business meant that I could have the kids at home with home based care. In MY home. The kids would have almost unlimited access to me, excepting where I had a tight deadline or on a phone call. It's worked well so far, I like being my own boss.

**The phone call thing makes me laugh. I am SURE that most clients see through the "I am in the office professionally taking your call" ruse. Who am I kidding? Really. Until Christmas, I designed out of a corner of Blossom's room...**

Anyway, another benefit of my own business was the free time I would have. Cue very loud laughing. Again, who am I kidding? I nearly killed myself last year. Last year was so not fun. I worked like a dog for most of it. Late nights, weekends, early mornings. Anytime Dida was home and/ or the kids were asleep.

I am hoping this year will be more sane. I want to bake and sew and garden AND work. I like working, just not until I feel like I am exploding.

So I just said no to a big project.

The client wanted yet another proposal with more detail. We may not have got it, we were one of four companies presenting. But I talked to the guy I was teaming up with and we looked at the consequence of winning it. Insane program, crazy tight budget, big risks. Plus we are both independent consultants who have young families. The cost to our spouses and children was also too high. So we took a deep breath, gathered all our courage and said no thank you.

The first part of this year will be leaner financially. But that's ok. We just need to make the adjustments. It will be richer in time. Richer in home making. Richer, much much richer.

So yesterday in celebration we all did nothing. For ages. We drank coffee (those of us over 3 years old), ate popcorn, sat on Mama (those of us under 3 years old) and enjoyed the sun. Richer!

slice of heaven

2012-01-16T13:48:00.000+13:00

It's back to work this week *sigh*. I want to stay on holiday forever. Anyway, here we are and this is going to be a GREAT week. Or else.

We spent the last week of the holidays up in Matheson Bay. It's gorgeous. Just over an hour out of Auckland and a million miles away from the big smoke. It's got so much going for it and loads to do. We will definitely be back!

Nesting

2012-01-07T14:04:00.001+13:00

With so much packed into our lives some things took a back seat in 2011. Like the house and its upkeep. So we have spent the first two weeks of our holiday nesting. And it's been glorious!

We have...

Changed the bedrooms around to give me a whole room as an office. To be honest, it was getting too be a bit of a joke, running a business from Blossom's bedroom. Now I have one entire (albeit small!) room to myself. And the kids are sharing a room which is going really well.
Figured out my new apple computer. Changing from a windows based pc to an apple was a nightmare involving setting up a virtual machine within the mac to accommodate my really expensive windows based programs. Are your eyes blazed over yet???
Concreted a path.
Made new veggie gardens.
Fixed the trailer so it's now legal to tow it, ha!
Tidied and organized the pantry. Bliss.
Sorted out all my fabric and purged.
Fixed the kitchen tap.
Did the GST for the company.
And finally made the kids bean bags. I have only had the pattern and fabric for about 9 months. It was the first time I bought a non-professional pattern. This one was by Made- Dana Made It. Assembling the pattern of off A4 PDFs was a bit tricky as was figuring out the seam allowances. Plus it was hit and miss as to how much stuffing to buy as all references are to American stuffing. But her directions were super clear and easy to follow and they are done! The kids love them which is so gratifying...

We are off on holiday soon, holiday away from the house that is. So I will have to stop and rest. A good thing I think!

Hello 2012

2012-01-02T12:20:00.001+13:00

Welcome 2012! I am convinced you will be a year filled with more. More than enough. More mercy. More break through.

I have no list of things I want/ need to do or resolutions. This year I just want to be. Be closer to Him. Be closer to my little ones and my wonderful big one. Just be.

2012 is already filled with challenges. My Mom has surgery late this month for her tumor. But by faith, already there is more. This is a primary cancer (so not from somewhere else- like a melanoma. So it's a lone ranger) and it's not aggressive or fast growing. More, see? More curse turned to blessing. More. He is more than able. He is More.

My Christmas gift

2011-12-23T19:49:00.005+13:00

God is amazing. His mercy to us is abounding. This last week I have been carrying a burden that's grown heavier by the day. And to be honest if the burden was not lifted I would not be sharing. Who wants to be a Christmas joy stealer? Not me.

They found a shadow on my Mom's lung about a week and a half ago. An ugly shadow that was found after some routine bloodtests came back all wrong. The shadow concerned the specialists so much that they ran a series of very intrusive tests this week. And they met with my parents late this afternoon.

This week has been so bad. I have believed and prayed with all my might. My God is more than able. But in the early hours I have been waking, fighting the fear that I will lose my beautiful mother.

So.

My Mom will need a lung removed as the shadow is indeed a malignant cancer. But. And such a blessed-Christmas-gift BUT, it is contained. Contained within that lung. Thank you God. Thank you so much. My Mom faces major surgery that will take months to recover from. That's huge. But her life expectancy is normal without that lung.

This is the best Christmas gift to me. We face big challenges early next year but there's a positive outcome to embrace this Christmas. I thank God from the bottom of my heart for my incredible mother.

Merry Christmas indeed!

Ho ho ho

2011-12-23T13:29:00.009+13:00

Well hello and merry Christmas to you!

I am at last at the end of a week verging on the insane. For the first time my ever supportive husband said 'I am sick of your work". Yikes. The holiday has come just in time.

So anyway.

I am eating carbs (bagel crisps to be exact) with dip and celebrating finishing for the year. There are 30 million loose ends to be tied with work but actually I can't finish them. And if I do I may get divorced so not a hard choice, ha!

Oh and I am now a red head! I had my colours done this week and so changed my hair colour to match my skin/ eyes etc. The hairdresser chose this colour, not sure what I think just yet. Dida likes it which has amazed me. I still shock myself when I see my reflection in a mirror so the jury is out!

Rupi has realised that Santa (or Zanta as he calls him) will bring him presents. He also believes that it's because of Baby Jesus' birthday so we are cool with it. He's into Baby Jesus who gets to be "in the boat" with Rupi along with the entire nativity cast and stable...

I have found time to make some Christmas goodies which makes me feel so much better. My little helper was wonderful...

When not destroying the living area. The energy level has gone up a notch since he turned 3 years old. I did not think that was possible. I was mistaken, ha!

And all the while, little Miss Precious makes me so grateful for Jesus and His break through power and mercy.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday baby Jesus!

the good and the bad

2011-12-18T19:39:00.005+13:00

This last week brought two things I have waited 10 years to do. Ever since we started trying for children I have thought about doing these things. One was enjoyable and the other gave me a heart attack....

The good one was Rupi's preschool concert. Oh my. It was a.d.o.r.a.b.l.e. ADORABLE. 30 little people dressed up as angels or shepherds, attempting to sing. It was tuneless, half of them weren't singing and a couple were having tantrums. It was perfect in every way.

The bad was Blossom splitting open her chin and a visit to the emergency room. Yuck. They glued it shut which amazed me. So the scarring will be minimal apparently. The actual gluing was an experience- they wrapped her up like a mummy and two doctors, a nurse and me all held her down and did it. The noise was incredible, that girl can scream. She was just fine afterwards, I needed a stiff drink.

So I can cross two things off my pre kiddie list. Thanks God!

Nicer

2011-12-11T12:49:00.006+13:00

The journey through adoption and egg donor babies has taught me a lot. It's humbled me but mostly the journey makes me nicer. It forces nice-ness into me, which is a really good thing. Left by myself I am not that nice (think self absorbed, anti social and controlling to name a few vices)

So anyway.

I had the opportunity to grow nicer this week. Yes, am marginally nicer than when I started the week. Thanks God.

J's Mom calls (Rupi's birth grandmother). J is up visiting and has been up for the last week. He is leaving to go back to where he lives the next morning so can we make a bbq that night. She explains that they have been really busy with family so didn't call sooner.

Not so nice me (pre the work God did on me) thinks the following. IS Rupi not family? WHY are we called at the last possible moment and expected to drop everything to go over to see them? ARGH. I said I would think about what we could do and call back.

I had the self protection course that night and was going in with my sister. She would probably not go if I backed out. Dida was/ is sick and not up to taking two small terrors out on his own. I called Dida and vented. He is super wise and said the following "think about what is best for Rupi and do that".

Ah, Godly wisdom from my gem of a husband. It immediately took the "me" out of the situation and I could think. What was best for my boy? Not for J, his Mom or me. Him. Pure and simple. It was best for him to see J. He's 3 years old and remembers things. Lots of things. We need to store good memories whenever we can, regardless of how we feel and how inconvenient it is. My boy is worth it.

So Dida came home early and took over Blossom duty. Rupi and I went to visit J in the late afternoon. We stayed for about an hour and it was good. It was long enough for J to connect with him, spoil him and play with him. For them to bond some more. They laid down another row of bricks in the foundation of their relationship. It was the best choice for my son.

And I was happy too. Seeing Rupi laughing and playing equals happy Sammy. And I put "me" aside and grew a teeny bit nicer. Which will be welcome news to those that love me!

Loving list

2011-12-09T19:26:00.014+13:00

Well, hello there. I know I have been neglectful and vacant, so sorry.... So to make up somewhat here's a list of things I am loving right now (joining in with PJ)

♥ I have attended a self protection course. I can now beat the snot of any man who tries to hurt me. Truly. This course is amazing. The guy leading it grabbed me from behind (really grabbed with yelling and swearing) and I had him on the ground with the protective helmet he was wearing ripped off in about 5 seconds. And I am a wimp.

♥ Self diagnosis rocks. I figured my tuberculosis/ endless sounding cough was actually a post natal drip. Right on. It's on the mend which is brilliant. Maybe someday soon Dida will move back into the marital bed because I don't spend most of the night sounding like a barking seal....

♥ I got some green space sewing done. I made Rupi a shepherd's costume for his preschool concert next Monday. Oh, be still my beating heart. I can't wait to see him all dressed up with his little friends.

♥ I looked forward to his preschool year photo so much. It was on a day he doesn't go to school, never mind, I took him in and waited for him.... This is him in the photo. What the heck?

Yes you can see his real name, look away people, look away.

♥ Blossom is so long now. And talking! Way before our little man did, picking up words left right and centre. Told me she was holding onto my "shouder" (shoulder) this morning as I put her pants on. Genius.

♥ Potty delight. Blossom is well on her way just like her big brother. Took her out in undies today- did two wees at the mall. Woop! And when we go to pick her brother up from school she's stays dry all the way there AND all the way back. Love it.

♥ I love summer. The warmth, the bliss, the lack of layers, the ice creams. Love it!

Tradition loving

2011-12-06T08:00:00.001+13:00

I love traditions. And the longer they go on the more they mean. They grow richer over time. One of our most special ones is the children getting their own Christmas tree ornament. We did it last year with Rupi & Blossom, and with Rupi the year before that. The year before that I chose an ornament for him as he was only 8 weeks old.

I love that one day they will have their own special Christmas tree and be able to trace their ornaments back through the years. And when they leave home they will take some of their childhood with them, through the ornaments they have chosen.

This year like last year, I chose Blossom's for her. Mainly so I could keep her in my arms and stop her ripping the trees and tearing the bundles of ornaments to shreds. So here is hers... cutsy pie and just like her.

Rupi chose his like he did last year. Although this years is a little more in line with his personality and passion. So, of course, it's a truck....!

So grateful for this Christmas season. Thank you Jesus!

celebrating my tiny girl

2011-12-04T20:40:00.000+13:00

This weekend for a night, it was just me and my girl. Life shifted and changed to suit our feminine bent. It was quieter and a bit slower and less intense.

This little girl has me wrapped around her little finger. So much independence wrapped up in a dainty frame, this pint sized person takes on her world without fear. I love her spirit and attitude. Yes, the attitude is surfacing....

On Saturday we went to a Santa Parade near where we live. She loved it. Loved being with her Nana and Aunty and Uncle, reveling in being the only girl. Giving and then withholding hugs and cuddles, she's so funny.

I love this tiny girl!

celebrating my little boy

2011-12-02T14:16:00.006+13:00

I love the definition of a boy I saw on a sign a while ago (I am SURE I have shared this before)

boy (n): noise with dirt on it

And that's my boy. This morning as he was standing in the laundry pounding the side of the washing machine for an eternity while singing loudly, I took a deep breath, and reminded myself of that definition. He's a boy. And so he's loud and carries dirt. In his hair, on his face, and on his hands. He's immensely strong (and can even hurt me!), but also tender and loving. When life is just too much he cuddles up in my lap. Really curls himself into a ball on me.

He's my boy. I would not change him to make him quieter, slower or less of himself. I love him just the way he is. His enthusiasm for everything is inspiring. His enthusiam for not listening or pushing his sister around is less inspiring but still, he's a boy. Testosterone charged and filled to the brim of life, he's MY boy. And I thank God for him.

ashamed

2011-11-21T13:03:00.003+13:00

***UPDATED***
The social services went to the little girls house straight after the call. They had the little girl examined and there was no evidence of rape. Thank God!! There are still huge issues with the family but at least that did not happen. I am super impressed with CYFs' response and they are now trying to work out what happened and what to do from here.
****

Most times its so good to be a New Zealander. But sometimes, very rarely, it's not. Today I am ashamed.

We have one of the poorest records for looking after our children in the developed world. We neglect, beat and kill our children. Sorry to be harsh, but those are the facts.

Needless to say I have zero tolerance for any of the above. So today, I found the number of Child Youth and Family, the government agency for looking after the welfare of our children, sat my nanny down and gave her the phone.

She knows a family through her nannying that she still has contact with. The mum of this family sometimes uses my nanny for babysitting. And Friday night was of these times.

After bathing the 3 year old (this makes me feel sick), she noticed the little girl was bleeding. Yes, from the place that no little girl should bleed from. She told the mum who promised she would take the little girl to the doctor. And, you guessed it, no such trip was made. So today the usual nanny told my nanny that the little girl had not been taken to the doctor. So I handed the phone to my nanny who made the call (she made the call gladly, btw)

Why do we do this? It makes me so mad. This family has a history of neglecting their kids. Lack of food, toys and a safe environment. I have provided food on occasion anonymously but at some point there needs to be intervention.

I am so ashamed that in this nation right now, children are suffering. A little boy was killed by someone who lives in his house in the last week. In my city. And this happens time after time after time.

I need to go and pray. Only God can make a difference. But may I say, that today I am ashamed of our child abuse record.

peaceful

2011-11-18T19:30:00.008+13:00

The awesome foursome

And so, without fanfare, God brought us home. To a place of peace, of togetherness. God is so good to us.

We went to see our Fertility doctor last week. He's not any doctor, he's our doctor. He knows us and, I think, he loves us. He has known us for 7 long years. I designed his clinic and in that clinic Blossom was conceived. We have wept with him and rejoiced with him. He's OUR doctor.

We went to see him and started to talk. We explained that life is pretty good for us right now and we are facing a choice. A hard choice. He said two very wise things, this doctor of ours. He said not to expect to be happy with whatever choice we made. That this journey, this space was not a comfortable one. He was right. Nothing about this space is comfortable. Comfortable is making a baby at home in your bed. Uncomfortable is unable to conceive and needles and negative tests and all the rest. We are used to uncomfortable.

He also said that the choice we make is more than about us two. There are four of us now and we need to make choices that are good for four people.

So Dida talked about his decision. And our doctor said to us 'I am more than comfortable with that". The confirmation. The peace. We didn't need his approval but it really helped to solidify our position.

So (with Dida's permission I can say)...

We are using our embies. But we are not using drugs. We will do a natural cycle and replace them. The doctor says they don't know if the drugs help anyway so it's a good choice. It works for us, no disposal, ongoing storage or donation of our embies. They will be replaced at the right time and then it's up to them. And up to Him.

We are near the end of the road for us. Maybe closer than further away. Who knows, it's in His hands. So sometime round next May we'll give our embies a chance. If there is another Blossom there, we'll rejoice. If not, we'll grieve a little and move on. Finally move on. And that will be so good.

War dance

2011-11-17T15:47:00.013+13:00

Well hello. I survived my birthday and here I am, on the other side. I already feel wiser. Or maybe not.

A lot has happened so I will back up a little. Rupi had a birthday bbq with family. It was awesome-ness.

The funniest was the cousins and the "Haka".

Haka (singular is the same as plural: haka) is a traditional ancestral war cry, dance or challenge from the Māori people of New Zealand. It is a posture dance performed by a group, with vigorous movements and stamping of the feet with rhythmically shouted accompaniment.[1] The New Zealand rugby team's practice of performing a haka before their matches has made the dance more widely known around the world.

The greatest team in the world, the mighty world champions, the All Blacks perform this before every match.

Rugby & the haka are ingrained in every New Zealander which is why in a mini country of 4.5 million people, we have a rugby team that can beat any other on the planet. I have seen how rugby is so ingrained first hand. It starts with the haka. And starts young. Really really young....

Here are a bunch of under-6's doing the haka. You can hear Rupi the.whole.time. He's really into it!

Fun times!

Dolofee a.k.a. Dai

2011-11-10T08:00:00.000+13:00

** Dolofee is Rupi's word and Dai is Blossom's word**

In April my sister and I took our small boys to the W.iggles concert. It was a blast. During the concert Dorothy the Dinosaur appeared on stage. Tiny girls emerged from everywhere and clustered in front of the stage, holding red long stemmed roses. I was utterly confused until my sister explained that the roses were for Dorothy as she "eats" them. Dorothy made her way down from the stage and recieved the roses like a big green queen. As she walked around the auditorium the swarm of tiny girls tottered after her.

This was bemusing as all the other characters attracted both boys and girls. I did not get it at all.

Until now. Blossom is in love.

For the very first time and with a large green dinosaur. Yes, it's Dorothy. She sings about Dai all day long and carries the books that have her picture in them, everywhere she goes. It's true love I tell you. I cannot figure out the attraction but what can you do? Love is in the air...!

So someone will be getting a Dai stuffed toy for Christmas and maybe a Dai backpack too. Bless.

Fail

2011-11-05T12:46:00.004+13:00

I failed in seeing and acting on a beautiful collision God set up for me last night. And I am utterly gutted. Not condemned, just gutted.

I did the groceries last night round 7pm. As I was walking around the supermarket I kept noticing this duo. A teenager boy and a younger boy. They were obviously not well off and really loud. You know how kids can sometimes be. Obnoxiously loud, banging into things with their empty trolleys and generally being a pain. I tried to avoid them but kept bumping into them.

I noticed the older boy holding frozen chicken and banging it against the cabinet. They had almost nothing in their trolley. I slid my trolley away from the noise quickly and went the other way.

Oh my heart just breaks writing these words and I can't help crying. They had NO money and I think the older boy was trying to buy food for them. Why didn't I open my judgemental heart and truly SEE?

They "landed" (hello God) up behind me in the checkout queue. I tried not to make eye contact. As my groceries were tallied up the younger boy came right into my space so he would see my total on the screen. He kept saying things like "Wow, that's a lot!", then "Look it's getting higher!" etc. All in a really loud voice and I was so embarrassed.

I wanted to pay for their groceries but what did I do? Stay embarrassed and kept quiet. I KNEW I should have done it but didn't. Funnily enough I had cash in my purse and I never do as we are a cashless culture. I thought about offering them the cash but what did I do? A big fat nothing.

I left and felt physically ill on the way home. This is my life's call. To provide for the fatherless, the husband-less and the poor. And I knew that this was a beautiful collision set up for me to provide for two of God's beloved boys. And I failed. I am beyond gutted.

I am sharing this not to get comforting comments back. But to be accountable. If I can't SEE with the little I have now, I won't be trusted to see with much.

I know that God is the God of the second chances but this was my moment. To see beyond my embarrassment and open my heart. And I didn't.

;

The Day of Doom

2011-11-04T21:00:00.002+13:00

I am facing a huge birthday in 4 days time. And I am not prepared. Part of it is that I am used to hiding my age. Funny but true. We waited so long for kiddies that when we met Sweetpea and J we didn't mention our ages because we were scared they wouldn't pick us. The reality is that we were closer to their parents age than theirs, ha! New Zealand's "political correctness" meant that our age was never listed on any documentation. We just acted really young and hip. Or tried to! And sort of carried it on from there.....

So anyway.

In my attempt to come to terms with the Day of Doom I have decided a few things. I realise that all of these things are connected to the way I look but I only left myself 3 months to make the changes. And trying to learn a new language, study a masters and memorise the bible takes slightly longer.

The first one was to lose my pregnancy and beyond weight. Done. The diet of torture does work.

The second one was to style my hair every time I wash it. Most of you do this automatically but having very straight hair meant I could get away with air drying. I did have to wear a pony tail a LOT but was too lazy to change. The Day of Doom has changed that. So, done.

I am getting real with skin care. I now boast an array of creams with names like "age defy", "renew" & "repair". Fabulous, not. So again, done.

I feel a bit guilty freaking out when some of my bloggy friends are facing massive life stuff, but I am being real. I don't wanna enter that decade!

(sniffle)

the best day ever (for the third time)

2011-11-03T19:55:00.008+13:00

Darling Rupi

Today you turn 3 years old. Well, at 9.10pm you will. This day marks the start of all that has been good for us. You, our son of vision & break through boy, began the years of blessing for us. Our life as parents started with you and you brought the sunshine back for us.

You are so loved by everyone around you. From Sweetpea and her family to J and his family to all of us, you are adored and loved. You have brought healing too, to Dida's auntie and helped her see that adoption can be a beautiful thing for everyone involved.

You are filled to the brim with life and bounce into the room. You are so strong and unafraid of anything physical. You can jump off heights that make your Mama's heart flinch and do insane roly-polys. You can catch a rugby ball and throw it back straight- you can only imagine how this makes your Dida feel!

I love how you need lots of cuddles and ask for me all the time. You snuggle in my lap along with the ever faithful Panda and all is well in your world. I love your cuddles so much!

Happy Birthday darling. Thank you for just being you.

Love forever, your Mama

decision time

2011-10-29T18:55:00.006+13:00

We've had a massive decision to agonise over for the last 18 months. We have spent so much time in prayer over it. The question of what to do with our frozen embryos. We have two left.

The decision of what to do with them would have been a no-brainer before we got pregnant. No thinking needed. We use them. End of story. But the simplicity of that decision is no longer there. And this has been so humbling.

For people waiting for children and couples waiting to complete their family, our delay in making a decision would be incomprehensible. And possibly lead to anger and judgement. I know, because I have been there. I used to get so angry that people would hesitate to use their embryos.

But in my marriage, one of us believed our family was complete and one of us didn't. And this has caused such turmoil. There is no compromise in this decision. Either you try or not. There is no middle ground. We have wrestled and prayed and fought and hugged and cried over this choice. We have never had an issue that divided us like this one. And it was frightening. So we prayed even harder.

Each of us had good reasons for our choice. Really good reasons. And the other could see and sympathise with those reasons. But we still felt the way we did and we stared across a giant chasm at one another. A chasm that separated us with no way across.

This decision haunts couples who do IVF. In the states there are 400,000 embryos on ice. The hard liner says that you need to use them. You make them, you use them. But if you have the family you dreamed of and you still have 8 or 10 embryos, what do you do? The other answer is to donate them. But some people can't. One of us cannot even contemplate this choice and the other can. A whole new set of complications.

Eventually Dida said that the decision would be his. He would go on a fast for as long as it took to hear from God. In the mean time God had been working on me and I was moving and changing position. I could now see where Dida was coming from and understand his choice. So after Labour Day, Dida started fasting. He is like a greyhound in physique and metabolism so fasts are a big deal for him. I am like a labrador, I only really notice the fast on day 2. Dida was dying after breakfast on the first day, ha!

Day 3 rolls around and Dida calls. We have an empassioned conversation and suddenly without fanfare are on the same page. He moved and I moved and somehow despite all the odds, we meet in the middle. The chasm is closed.

I am not allowed to say what our decision is. Dida wants to keep it between us for now and we are not telling even our nearest and dearest. But what I hope to make you understand is how hard this decision was for us. We longed for children. And they are a sacred gift to us. But still this decision was not easy.

So this post is for those out there who were like me, waiting for babies. Or for people looking into the IVF situation and cannot understand how frozen embryos can be just left. Please understand and have mercy. This is not cut and dried and many of the people who struggle with this choice are good people. God fearing people who are good parents and good people.

It's been the most challenging issue we have ever faced in our marriage. But with God there is a way. He has come through for us in way I cannot even describe. We have peace again and I feel a burden lifted off my shoulders. The way forward will not be easy but I know that "we can do all thing through Christ who strengthens us!"

One for the Mamas

2011-10-25T13:43:00.011+13:00

[Dislaimer: I am not being judgmental in this post. If it comes across that way, it's not intended. And I am not saying how fabulously hot I am either. ]

Last night I was invited to the International Rugby Board awards dinner. Wasn't that keen to be honest but it was a NIGHT OUT. Without kids and in a dress. Woop!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a bit modest in dress style. Don't like anything too clingy, short or low. It's just the way I roll. So I arrive in a black flowy dress- complete with top part pinned making the cleavage less obvious, ha! The rest of the table arrives. Yikes. The women, bar one, are young and very on show. Like "poured into the dress, barely holding onto one's bits" on show. I felt frumpy and old. Luckily I was near to the other lady who had a full dress on too and seemed to be similar in age to me.

So we are near the bar and alcohol seems to be a magnet for rugby players. The french team soon make it their base. Well, they had to drown their sorrows after LOSING to the All Black champions didn't they? The young half-dress women at the table are blowing kisses and winking at the french players. Gag. The full dress woman and I start talking, we both have small children, are married. I like her.

Soon the french players start wandering over to see the half-dress women. I kid you not, one of them flashes her cleavage at them. Double gag.

They sit down. Where? NEXT TO US, full dress woman and I! This one sat next to me...(click if you want his name, I don't want a million dodgy hits on this post)

Turns out he's a nice boy. Missing home and devastated after the loss to the All Blacks. While the "flashing cleavage" girl feeds her dessert to this guy seated next to Max, he chats to us. We say that we are mothers and this is a night out for us. He stayed for ages and when he got up to leave, he says to me "Bye hot mummy!" to me....

Yeah man, you can still be hot fully clothed and over 30. Nice to know.

Black Out!

2011-10-24T08:17:00.005+13:00

The 24 year drought is over and the cup is back where it belongs...in OUR trophy cabinet! We won the rugby world cup! Woop!

As a nation we needed this. After the pike river coal tragedy, two earthquakes and now an oil spill, a positive like this was just what the doctor ordered. Yes, this is just a sport but it's our national game and we love our rugby. This little island is tired today but absolutely buzzing!

The man of the house was super excited yesterday getting ready for THE MATCH

There was a fan trail for the match watchers (the cousins and us)

The house was decorated man-style, outside...

and in!

Every person, big and small was in full support

And we needed lots of energy releasing for the small people

And at the end of the night, this was the face that said it all!

beautiful chaos

2011-10-21T20:32:00.008+13:00

My life is chaos. But it's a beautiful chaos. And I am learning to let go. Chaos is just fine right now.

The days are a balancing act. They are teaching me that living big means living fluid. And I don't do fluid all that well yet.

I am learning to preserve the pockets of time that matter. The afternoons with my babies matter. No phone calls, no emails and no computer. Just us. And the breakfast run matters. Chats with my honeys over oatmeal are more important at that moment than anything else.

I am learning slowly to let go. Of trying to fit it all in. Some things slip out of my small life container, no matter how hard I try to fit them in. Life has to become simpler and clearer. And that takes a bit of learning and many mistakes.

This was a pocket of time that mattered today, time at the park. This photo of sibling closeness is adorable. But really Rupi is squashing Blossom and she's objecting loudly- very deceiving, ha!

Happy weekend!

living huge

2011-10-10T19:04:00.017+13:00

I love how the blogging world challenges and inspires me. I was struck by posts I read here, by my friend Widgie and also by Miriam. And then Rebecca posted on the same thing! About dreams and the courage to pursue them. My thoughts have been rolling around in my head but I haven't been well enough to get the words on a page... until now (lucky you, ha!)

I am so blessed to be living my dream. The dream to provide for the widows and orphans. It's a wonderful time of life for me and us as a family. Full and stretching and exciting.

I am living my dream because I had to. I was pushed into it. And really, I think that's almost a prerequisite in following a dream. Often you have to be made to do it. Because dreams are often huge and scary and involve a lot of risk. I started my business when Rupi was seven months old because I had to bring in money to help support our family. To be real, if Dida earned enough for us to go without my earnings, I would not have made the leap.

But he didn't/ doesn't. So I need to bring in some money. I guess we could have moved to another area, sold our house and downsized in a massive way. But most of our family live within a 10 minute drive and being close to them is very important to us. And we also could have put Rupi into daycare and I could have gone back to work for my previous employer. But we felt that would not have been wise with an adopted child.

I was left with starting a business and working for myself. Which was my dream and the key to fulfilling one of my life's purpose. Being able to support the widows and orphans.

Dreams involve immense sacrifice. The bigger they are the bigger the sacrifice. Dreams are hard. Sometimes I think it's good we don't know quite how hard as we may not live them! I am incredibly time poor right now. I have a nanny, Rupi goes to pre school and I have a cleaner. And still most days the ends do not meet. I am making the sacrifice right now and so is Dida. We cover the gaps between us and it works. I have a gem of a man who sees the dream and believes for it too.

Despite the (at times overwhelming) sacrifice, I would not swop this life and dream. It's truly beautiful. I rely on God for every project and to enable me to give and give. When I reach the end of myself, He is there. I know my children and husband have the best of me that I can give. And they are happy. And we are blessed enough to start to pour resource out. Right now it's a pretty small jug but the pouring has begun. And that is so exciting!

So I encourage you to find that place where you have to make the leap. Living your huge dream is amazing and you will not regret taking the plunge- come on and join me!!

Severe cuteness

2011-10-08T19:09:00.003+13:00

I am a jandal (flip flop/ slip slop/ thong) fan. I grew up wearing them all through summer and the kiddies wear them all through summer too. I start them young on the jandal fetish. I thought I could recycle Rupi's first pair for Miss Mini-Foot. No, would be the answer to that one. And try as I might, I could not find ones small enough. Until I was willing to shell out the cash to get Baby Havianas. Unbelievably there is actually one size smaller than hers! And the cuteness factor when she wears them goes through the roof!

Our local gelato shop makes pastries and cakes. Which are d.e.l.i.c.i.o.u.s. I overheard the owner reminding her staff to tell customers that most of them are dairy free. What? I never find dairy free treats for little Blosssom to enjoy! I am over the moon and so is she. Here she is trying out the banana bread we bought for her. Happiness is!

sucker punched

2011-10-05T18:46:00.006+13:00

It's been 5 days since I last posted and I still feel uber yucky. This flu bug is from the devil, I tell ya.

So because I don't have anything deep or moving or scintillating, here's my day in pictures....

Oats for brekkie, she's getting her appetite back. I gave her the lurgy, poor mite.

Every morning at breakfast, Rupi waves the neighbour off to work. The neighbour loves it.

Supervising me while I dress and playing with my makeup (her) and toy cars (him). Stereotypical much?

Dropping Rupi at school. He always looks this thrilled to be going.

In between meetings checking my email at my second office. My dodgy state of body is not allowing caffeine at this point (argh!)

Afternoon shopping with smallies in tow, stocking up on vitamins. The kids love these, thank goodness as we really need to kick our constant trend of illness.

Bath time! Rupi is leaning over, his puku is not as large as it appears here!

Nanny dropped in for cuddles just before bed time.

That's me and mine today. Happy Wednesday everyone!

germy

2011-10-01T14:26:00.002+13:00

I have been absent for a while... I have been sick. No, I AM sick. And this is the week and weekend that my huge (0verwhelming and giant) project completes. The client is moving into their new space this weekend. And I have a very nit-picky IT man calling me every 5 minutes. Like repeatedly at 9.30pm last night while I was trying to die quietly in my bed.

I have the best husband ever. He took Thursday off work to help me label 4 million items of furniture for relocation. I could barely put one foot in front of another and the furniture HAD to be labelled as it was being moved the following day. Good times.

It's a piggy of a flu bug and I am on my second packet of cold/ flu tablets.

I would end this post with something chirpy but really I got nothing. And no pretty photos either. If I had the energy I would spend it on living rather than taking photos.

The IT person just called again. Bless him, Jesus, bless him. As I am helping on site tomorrow I will try and gift him with some germs...

A Common Thread

2011-09-25T14:53:00.005+13:00

I met my friend Catherine in 2007. She is warm and funny and we quickly became friends. We were also journeying through infertility together. She shared a God dream of hers with me. She wanted to write a book sharing the stories of women with a common thread. A Common Thread of infertility. And today I have that book in my hands!

I cried this afternoon as I read the 16 stories in this book. Stories of infertility, miscarriage, childlessness and adoption. Stories that offer hope and reach out a hand to those who need it.

This is an amazing book as it doesn't preach at anyone. The stories are real and gritty. They are not polished and slick as they are written by ordinary people. People like me. Part of my story is in it with all it's struggle and emotion. Written in early 2008, before Rupi or Blossom it's very raw. Before I knew about Rupi and when I had no idea if I would ever be a Mama.

If you know anyone walking through infertility then this book is for them. Catherine has done an amazing job and I only wish I could have read this 3 or 4 years ago. The "me" back then could have done with this, it would have been an injection of Hope from on High.

Available on Amazon in paperback hard copy or kindle e-book

Dear me

2011-09-22T09:00:00.001+12:00

Us in 2001

It's no secret that I am forever changed by infertility. That 6 year journey was life changing. I don't think that I did it "well" or "had it together" and I think that's part of my journey. I was brought to my knees by infertility and by the time Rupi came, I was shattered emotionally and spiritually. That has humbled me incredibly and I think that's part of His Purpose for me.

I struggled with hope a lot. Trying to be faith filled and hope time and time again. I eventually stopped hoping and dreaming and had to learn how to dream again once Rupi came.

This last weekend I did Beth Moore's live simulcast day. It was beyond awesome. So much spoke to me including a line in a worship song we sang. We sang "His Word secures my Hope".

I wish I could put my arms around the me in the months before Rupi came and tell me this. Tell that me to go back to the first word He spoke and hold onto it. That His Word would secure my hope. That I didn't need to try and hold on. He would secure me.

This was one of the first scriptures I ever got for my future. Back in 1998, way before we started on the journey of trying for a child, I got a promise.

Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young at a place near your altar, O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my King and my God! Psalm 84: 2-4

I lost sight of that first promise in the long wait. I was always looking for the next word to suit the latest challenge. But that first promise was all I needed. Because He did secure my hope. I am living the promise I got all those years ago. We are raising our young near His alter and life is very sweet. Very sweet indeed!

Switched on

2011-09-19T20:53:00.015+12:00

The power cable to our house blew bright and early on Sat morning. I was out the whole day and so poor Dida coped with the lot. At one stage he was on the phone to the electrician with Blossom in the cot screaming, Reuben running wild outside in the rain and at the same time trying to hand a power cord over the fence to a neighbour. Drama.

The power company checked the power to the road. All good. And the switchboard in the house is fine too. Which means the fault was somewhere between the road and the house.....which has a fat concrete driveway in the way.

So Dida got to work. He is incredible in emergencies. Those close to us already have plans in place to come to our place in case of a natural disaster. He is like Bear Grylls (without eating the gross things!) and much better looking.

Yesterday morning he had an electrician scanning the driveway looking for the underground fault. And found it. 10cm away from the edge of the driveway- woop! Dida and one of his workers spent the afternoon cutting a trench around the blown cable. This meant cutting and moving a giant tree out the way. I stayed inside warm and dry and made them cups of coffee. Essential work.

Today they finished off the trench and the electrician came back to replace the cable. The power company flicked the switch again and we now have power. Bliss.

Who knew how essential power could be. Oh yes, most of Christchurch does. I am NOT complaining about the experience at all. We had a power cord to the neighbours on either side so we had limited power. We picked and chose what appliances get power and it's not been too cold. We do not have a house with cracks and holes through the middle of winter and no power at all- like people in Christchurch did. We were ok.

But I am REALLY glad to have power back. Ahhhh electricity, I ♥ you.

blogging thoughts

2011-09-18T20:00:00.000+12:00

More on the blogging, I seem to be in some kind of blog-analysis mode....

I would like to ask a question.... why do we read the blogs of people we'll never meet, will never relate to us and never be our bloggy friends?

I guess it comes down to why you blog. I blog for the sheer joy of it and, as I think I am discovering, to meet new people.

"Meeting new people" means that there needs to be some kind of interaction going. I am all for joining up with the occasional linky as I met Mountain Mama, Shelby and Jennohara that way. But we became bloggy mates. I like them and they like me.

I just got a bit over it all last night. Over reading blogs and leaving comments for people who will never know I exist. It's not like I am craving recognition or wanting attention but it's just a tad tiresome. Like trying to be friendly and meeting a brick wall. Now I know that some bloggers have 40 million followers and can't reply to all the comments, but it kinda sucks to be commenting into fresh air. Some people I really like, well like how they are on their blog and would like to be bloggy friends. Oh the rejection!!!! (kidding, it just irks me!)

I am not talking about reading those blogs of people who you admire but from a distance. I follow a few of those. People who inspire/ interest/ fascinate me. But I don't want to interact with them. So I rarely comment and just enjoy their blogs. Anyone understand what I am saying or do I sound like a lunatic?

I think I blog because I love it. And loving it for me means that I need interaction. So I am culling a whole lot from my reader and un-Following a whole lot. Obviously none of you as you are reading this, HA!

And if YOU comment and I don't comment back, let me know. I try to comment back and be friendly to everyone who comments. I figure, if you have made the effort...!

So yes, blogging is complicated and sometimes a little wearying.....

What do you think?

Sharing

2011-09-14T13:56:00.005+12:00

How much do you share on your blog? Specifically about your family and kiddies? I read something this week that make me think about that question...

It was an adoption linky post and when I clicked onto one of the adoption blogs featured I read something that made me pause. A mom shared about her adoption. She shared that she struggled to love the little girl she had adopted as much as her biological children. And the kicker for me was that she said that she still struggles to love her and it's a daily choice to choose to love her.

I am not judging this lady at all. What she feels is what she feels. She's being honest. But. And a huge BUT. There is a possibility that her little girl will read those words one day. Is that ok? Imagine reading that your Mom struggled to love you for a long time? Even if it's true, should they ever know it? A child's self worth is determined to a degree by how secure they feel in their parent's love.

It just made me think about how much we should share. And whether we have a responsibility to our children to write carefully about them. To be mindful of the fact that one day they, or people they know, may read the words I write about them.

Wow. Food for thought.

Backing Black

2011-09-11T20:28:00.013+12:00

It's so good to be a Kiwi right now! We are hosting the Rugby World Cup and it seems like the whole world is here. There are flags on cars and houses and we are feeling utterly patriotic. I just think it's wonderful to be united by something other than war. This is our national sport and we love it!

For all of you non-rugby people out there, here's an explanation.
...

Rugby union, often simply referred to as rugby, is a full contact team sport which originated in England in the early 19th century.^[2] One of the two codes of rugby football, it is based on running with the ball in hand. It is played with an oval-shaped ball on a field up to 100 metres (330 ft) long and 70 metres (230 ft) wide with H-shaped goal posts on each goal line.

And here is the greatest team in the world- the mighty All Blacks! [And yes, because we dress in black!]

C'mon Black!!!!

So anyway, Auckland is putting on a party for the World Cup and all the visitors. We decided on the spur of the moment to go down to the waterfront on Saturday morning. This was the morning after the opening ceremony and the first game (which the All Black's won, thank you muchly)

The waterfront was a disaster zone the night before when 200,000 people descended on the area to party and celebrate. The city authorities were expecting 60,000. A slight shortfall in planning. Public transport failed and it was a mess. People missed the game and were very hot and bothered. When we arrived on Saturday morning bright and early there was a full scale clean up in place and the waterfront was being restored.

We had a wonderful time. I am biased but Auckland is lovely! We ate ice creams and wandered around all the new development and World Cup temporary structures. Rupi loved watching the boats and running everywhere. He also fell down multiple times and we resolved to start packing a first aid kit. Blossom charmed the public at large and the sun shone and life was good!

Please note that the explanation of the photos below is mostly for Gail. It won't make much sense to anyone else and I thought she might like to know the ins and outs. And I love her....

The newly developed North Wharf on Wynyard Quarter- where the fuel tanks containers used to be...

Walking towards the new bridge connecting the Viaduct to North Wharf (where Rupi fell about 1ooo times and scraped every inch of his knees)

Party Central on Queen's wharf (beside the ferry)- in front of the temporary "Cloud" structure

Blossom being super cute walking back on Queen's Wharf towards Quay Street.

At the entry to Queen's wharf

May I say one more time...GO THE ALL BLACKS!!

toothless

2011-09-09T21:29:00.009+12:00

Rupi had his tooth removed yesterday. It was such a blessing, we got an appointment with the public health system on the SAME day we were booked in for the private surgery. Woop! God is good!

We arrived at the hospital at 8.30am with no food or drink on board. Fun times. After 35 endless minutes (in which I gave up on trying to control my hungry thirsty and grumpy small child) we were assessed. We then waited in a fantastic kids play area until we went into theatre. The nurses and doctors were great with Rupi and really involved the parent/ caregiver in the whole procedure.

Theatre was hideous. Rupi took one look at the staff and bed and tried to throw himself back out the door. I had to hold him facing me while the mask was held on his face. He screamed and I cried. Eventually after what felt like hours his eyes rolled back and they laid him down out cold. They shuffled me out the door weeping. Awesome. I was shown to the waiting room where all the other weeping mothers were. I admit I hugged more than one of them.

I could hear Rupi come round from the aneasthetic from the waiting room a short while later. The nurses hurriedly invited me in. Once I got him in my arms and he had a popsicle in his hand, things improved. The bellowing stopped for one thing which was a relief for the whole ward.

We were discharged a short while later with a list of instructions. These included not letting go of his hand as we walked to the car as he would still be a little off balance. Clearly Rupi did not take this on board and was off running as we left the ward. So I carried all protesting and wriggling 20kg of him back to the car. Who cares, I figure, people would have seen a lot worse.

The experience was great. Faultless. The nurses and staff and doctors were amazing. Could not get better. But I admit I am used to continuity of care. The same nurse or doctor seeing you all the way through making sure you are happy and ok. Here you are passed from one person to another, seeing different people/ staff all the way through. I felt like a number and to be honest we were a number. The staff had a list of children they needed to get through and we were one of many.

Having said that, we did not pay one cent for our treatment. Not one. So not being treated like royalty is just fine with me. Different but fine. Like I have said before, our public health system is incredible with children.

So thanks whoever! I would like to write to someone and thank them, but who? I am so grateful, thanks New Zealand!!!

dreaded d-word

2011-09-06T08:00:00.000+12:00

So I have been on the Dukan diet for 44 days now. It's been rough people.

*For those of you not interested please feel free to tune out with my love and blessings. Diet talk is not for everyone.*

I thank the good Lord above (seriously) that my sister has been on it with me. We have been able to support each other and eat all sorts of protein and funny stuff. For example a cheesecake that you could throw against a wall and it would bounce back at you. Or a muffin that looked like some kind of fluffy mould that you would find under a fridge.

You gotta be commited for this and have a goal in mind. Mine is my rather large *cough* birthday in November. To look good then I would do this and more. Vain? Oh yes.

So anyway, it's been a LOOOOOOONG 43 days so far. I have lost two thirds of the weight I want to lose and can fit into my clothes with ease again. Yay a million times. I have not missed a lot but miss chocolate like my arm is cut off. We have never been separated for this long before.

Moving on....

My point is that this diet is well worth it. I thoroughly recommend it. And no, I still do not have the book and have just used the spreadsheet and website. Easy and cheap. Suits me!

Loving all sorts!

2011-09-04T13:39:00.010+12:00

linking up with amazing PJ

Loving a variety of things this week...

♥ Our health system

Rupi loves Toy Story. Rupi loves Buzz Lightyear. And like Buzz Lightyear, has discovered that he cannot actually fly. And in the process of discovering this has fallen, hit a chair with his mouth and pushed a dear little bottom tooth down and out. Ouch.

It got infected (of course) and now has to be removed. And because Rupi is only 2 years old he needs to be knocked right out to do it. Nice. We investigated doing this privately and quickly came to the conclusion that the public health system was as good although he may wait a bit longer for the procedure. The health system with regards to kiddies is second to none. As an adult, maybe not so much? But kids are treated like royalty and we are loving that.

♥ Dairy free, gluten free baking

Finally got some done. Tweaked the heck out of a recipe and added/ substituted all sorts. All I can say is that as Blossom is not used to eating baked goods, I am sure this will be just fine with her. Loving that she gets to eat some chocolate banana cake!

♥ My husband

Creating a strawberry patch for us. Working hard and also gently teaching a very small man how to use power tools. Loving him so much and thankful for a wonderful husband and amazing Daddy to our little ones.

♥ Sweetpea's birthday

Rupi's birth mother is 18 years old tomorrow. We have known her since she was 14 years old... crazy! I tend to give her the same present over and over, a picture of Rupi in a frame. Feels a bit like I am being a lazy present picker. But then this IS her favourite gift as is evidenced by the million pictures of Rupi in her bedroom and every single frame we have ever given her on display. So I do feel like we are giving her what she wants after all!

We love Sweetpea SO much!

♥ The All Blacks & the rugby world cup

Go, go, go!!! My MIL got the kiddies some appropriate rugby clothing and they are rocking it. We can't wait to see the All Blacks win! C'mon New Zealand!!!!

Back then

2011-08-31T20:07:00.007+12:00

I was looking through photos today and came across this one. I don't remember even seeing it before but when I looked at it I was transported back to that moment. The sights, sounds, smells and feelings of that particular time and space.

This was taken at Rupi's baby shower in November 2008. Rupi was 19 days old. I had been his Mama informally for 12 days and legally for 7 days.

I remember the feeling of utter relief, of unbelievable joy and being overwhelmed at how much love I felt for this little boy. I sat in a corner and for a brief moment looked out at the room. There were so many people sharing our joy. So many people who had prayed and believed and wept with us. And finally at that moment, everyone celebrated.

Here I am, a brand new Mama. With my son of vision held close. So good.

Loving Blossom

2011-08-26T16:09:00.013+12:00

linking up with amazing PJ

This week I am LOVING my little Blossom [I love her every week and every moment, just thought I'd add that!]

♥ tiny pins

As someone who has large feet for their height I secretly admire anyone with little feet. And Blossom has the daintiest feet ever! She needs proper soled shoes as she's walking and trotting and I couldn't find them anywhere. All the ones her size are soft soled and made for the pre-walking stage. I managed to find some hideously expensive ones (on sale- whoop!) so here she is rocking her Bobux vintage gold trainers...

♥ my beads

Not only does she rock her shoes but all things girly. She loves to stagger around the house with my beads on. And yesterday I caught her admiring herself in the mirror with them on, turning this way and that. And people reckon boys and girls are the same!

♥ pigwig

When Blossom had her last allergic reaction she went off the bottle. As she had done this before we weren't too worried. But this time she would not go back onto it. She completely weaned herself. Which meant I had to get serious with her dairy and gluten free diet. Well, Blossom is a total piggie which is fantastic! She eats constantly and will try anything. She toddles over to the pantry/ fridge and demands food. Bo-bo (biscuit) and craw-craw (cracker) are two words we hear 14,000 times a day. Gotta love it!

Sickly

2011-08-24T14:08:00.009+12:00

I remember pre-children how sickness used to be dealt with. The healthy spouse would hover over the sick spouse, gently tending to their needs. Nothing was too much trouble. If the sickness was too much, a day would be taken off work, to be spent wrapped up in bed with a stack of books and snacks at the ready. The healthy spouse would come home early to nurse the sick one, fluttering around with tasty morsels to tempt the sick one's appetite. Medicine was whipped out and tenderly administered and the sick one would spend the evening cosied up in front of the TV, watching their programme of choice.

Now things are a little different.

Sickness tends to run through the family, concentrating itself in the children. Who have NEEDS and are not afraid to make themselves heard. Loudly and without ceasing. The sick adult has to look after the children first and foremost. No time for lying in bed or such like. The children need looking after and that's that.

Sympathy from the other healthy adult is often in very short supply. Either they are coming down with the lurgy or are exhausted from looking after the sick children.

This is my life at the moment. As I collapsed on the couch next to Dida last night I had to laugh. "I feel terrible" I said. "Well go to bed" was his response. And that was the end of that. I got my own medicine, wrapped myself up in bed and went to sleep.

Catch up in the big smoke

2011-08-21T18:53:00.014+12:00

As I am sure you have read on the kiwi blogs, yesterday's Auckland gathering was fantastic. A whole lot of bloggers once again proving that bloggers tend to like one another and get on like many houses on fire...

Meg and I

Jaz and Meg

I loved it! I got to meet Meg and PJ and Jacksta-B to name a few and catch up again with Cat and Meg and Leonie. Simoney, Lyns, Penny and I are church maties so I see them a bit anyway. Not that it wasn't wonderful to see them, I should add. As you can imagine there was extensive use of one's camera. At times it was like having the paparazzi around. I knew I was on the back foot when people took photos of food, the decor and lighting. I quickly whipped my camera out and took a photo of my food. This was the thing to do if you are a serious blogger (with 700 followers, no names mentioned... PJ, oh oops!)

Yes, this is my food...

Jacksta-B and PJ admiring their food

Leonie in paparazzi mode

I managed to hold it together, restraining the randomness and hyena laugh. I did however almost manage to offend PJ by calling her naughty- without explaining what naughty is in my world. Duh.

naughty= someone with that impish twinkle in their eye, who is ready to have a laugh and see the funny side of life. Mischievous. A good sort. An example is Gail.

So anyway.

Pulled that one back from the brink and had a lovely time. And I won a prize! A book by one of my favourite authors. Light, fluffy and a tear jerker (don't judge- I do skip the yucky descriptive bed bits...)

My book!

Needless to say we missed Gail. So we had a sad photo- which was ruined by the snort of laughter from the waiter as we were taking the photo. Took a while to settle us cackling hens back down into a sad frame of mind.

Can't wait to catch up again, I have promised Meg that we'll road trip down south next time. Who's up for that?

first day

2011-08-15T14:07:00.005+12:00

Today had the potential for disaster.

And at times none of us were sure about this whole school gig....

But we slowly warmed up to the idea and started looking forward to it.

And the smallest man in the house was happy to enter a whole new world!

He's done his first morning at pre-school and loved it! We are so happy. He was ready and the timing was perfect. Our little bird is trying out his wings.

P.S. It's unbelievably freezing here at the moment! Icy wind and snow flurries. Yikes.

Lose it or bust

2011-08-13T15:40:00.004+12:00

Yeah so I am on a diet. Have been for 19 days (and 16 hours and 40 minutes, not that I am counting). It was getting to the point where disguising my middle and bottom was no longer hiding the spread and Dida was making remarks about the roundness of my face.

The final straw was Dida's remarks about how much thinner we looked in a photo- taken 11 weeks after Blossom's birth. Righto then. If I am now larger than straight after giving birth, maybe its time to do something. Point taken.

I decided on the Dukan diet. After all it worked for the Duchess and her family before THE wedding. And I know someone who looks like a different person after 6 months on this particular diet. He raves about this diet so I thought I would give it a go.

I have managed to convince my sister to come on it with me. This was a master stroke, if you don't mind me blowing my own horn. My sister is the bomb- researcher. I am not. She has researched tips and recipes and emails me constantly with them. Love it. And its so nice to whine to someone about the restrictions. My texts to her are rather more dramatic than hers of course and involve words like "dying", "losing will to live", "help me Jesus" etc.

The diet is basically low carb, low sugar and high protein. The diet creator reckons this is what French woman eat to look so good. Well, I can't say I am loving it but I am reaping the results. 3kg down so far and nearly half way. My sister has lost over 4kg and has been on it a week less than me- she's doing very well.

Its been 19 days since I ate chocolate, a muffin, biscuit, cake or chippies. There are moments when I want to weep with the longing but I am determined. I think you really need a goal as any diet is hard work. I have a giant birthday coming up in November and that's inspiration enough.

If anyone is ever keen I have a spreadsheet with the diet fundamentals. And you go on this website to work out how long you need to be on each stage. I haven't even read the book, which I am not saying is a good thing, but you can do it without the book.

Here's to another 3kg!

Beyond awesome

2011-08-07T17:49:00.006+12:00

This weekend we had our women's conference. Forget every image you have of a woman's conference and imagine this: about 800 women ALL worshiping God together. The sweet sound drove me to tears. The teaching was incredible and we were super spoiled.

This was our gift. Hello sterling silver Tiffany&Co. Oh my.

We had our amazing senior pastor and Sam Evans and Lisa Bevere preach. LISA BEVERE people. Yup, THE Lisa Bevere a.k.a. lioness, bringer of the Word and she of the "take no prisoners, stand up and fight" fame. Aside from her mind blowing Spirit-led teaching, if I can look half as good at 50 years old as she does, I will be one happy woman.

I got her book "Lioness arising" and cannot wait to get into it. (Fear not, "Mrs B in China", I got you a copy too and Meg and I are working on getting you the other something special we all got. Hey, will be like you were truly there!)

I know I rabbit on about our church but I can't help it. We are so blessed to be part of Equippers. If you are in a town where there is an Equippers, you NEED to come along. Unless of course, you are a part of a lovely church already. But then your church could be friends with our church and you can STILL come to EquipHer conference!

As I may have mentioned before, we were put in touch with Sweetpea when she was pregnant via our church. So the connections are strong. It's got even better. Sweetpea's family are joining the new Equippers starting up in the town Rupi was born in. Blood family becoming church family.

This weekend Sweetpea's Mom came along to the conference. And this morning she sat with us in church. It was wonderful. Half way through the service Rupi was on her knee. I could feel her heart expanding with sheer joy. Happiness was beaming out of her in waves. I loved it, it was super cute.

I love that this is normal. And I believe it's the church we are in that enables this. We are challenged and loved and encouraged and supported. Constantly pointed towards Jesus. And that makes the impossible possible. The implausible plausible. We see Him everywhere we look. And now the circle is completing. Birth family and adoptive family. In a peaceful loving relationship, under the same roof. Blows my mind.

I don't care

2011-08-03T13:18:00.007+12:00

I don't care if the way I bring my kids up is contrary to the way others do it. The family drama I am having is because we discipline in a way that others find too weak. And then my boy was disciplined in a way that is foreign to us and that's unacceptable.

I don't care. Because when I read about Ava and her Mama all I want to do is hold my precious little ones. Love them and hold them tight. Ava went to be with Jesus a couple of years ago and her mother misses her so much. I can't comprehend the loss and honestly, I don't want to even try.

My heart and expectations are caught up in these small people. And as much as I try to surrender those dreams to my God, they still capture my heart. I dream of this day and that day, far in the future and I smile.

So I don't care if people around me think we are too soft. My children are miracles and too precious to feel the back of my hand. I thank God for every day with them for each day is priceless.

Ava's Mama, Sheye, asks us, in the month of Ava's remembrance, to hold our babies a little closer. Love them and cherish them. Tell them that they are wonderful and that you love them. And I will. In the best way I can and with all that I am.

Jolly wonderful

2011-07-29T13:13:00.009+12:00

linking up with amazing PJ

Well like Meghan, I have had a poop of a week. The family drama that happened last weekend has really rocked me. Shaken my world.

But. I do have something I am thankful for!

This morning was amazing. We went to the zoo with my sister Nikkey and her cuties. Her big boy (all of 5) took control of the map and with the help of his compass (tied securely around his neck) attempted to herd us around the zoo. Hysterical and very cute!

We also had some special guests with us. Rupi's birth father, J, his lovely girl friend, cute little sister, Mom and step-Dad joined us. J has not seen Rupi in about 9 months so it was heart melting. The whole family really gels with us and it was great to be able to let go and trust them with the kids. There are those who like the kids and interact with them but don't keep an eye on them, make sure they are ok and cherish them. These people do all that. I could even turn my "mother-hawk-eye" off. Nice. No, more than nice, jolly wonderful!

Hows this for goose bumps? Rupi and J. Now that's something to be thankful for!

A different kind of weekend

2011-07-26T13:38:00.009+12:00

We got given a night away. Wonderful. It meant I had to get over being separated from Blossom for the first time since she was an embryo, but I worked through that one. Then a family drama threatened to derail the whole event but my sister Nikkey came to the rescue so we were on!

As we drove we dreamed and talked of just the two of us. We had visions of an evening of intimate chit chat over excellent food. Our evening would end with a bubble bath (for me) and us snuggled up in a giant fluffy bed with cable movies and glasses of wine. We had it planned.

We headed off into the sticks to this place. An estate (dahling). We drove up a gorgeous driveway and as we got out of the car we were greeted by name by a charming lady. Wha? She shepherded us into an old house where we were confronted by a group of people sitting in a large living area. She introduced us all and showed us our room. Which opened off the living area. Told us to leave the bedroom door open so the room could warm up and then come back out and have coffee with everyone. Clearly this was not going to plan.

We escaped around a corner to a big squashy couch and tried to readjust our expectations. This was really a posh house party where everyone was expected to be social. There were quite a few outdoor activities we could have had "time alone" doing but it was freezing and raining. So we hibernated on the couch and then eventually ventured out.

The other people were really lovely and we quickly got involved in conversation. The manager was incredible and anticipated our every move. She seemed to know what we were doing or wanted before we knew ourselves. This is what it must be like to be very rich and have an attentive butler. Must be honest, as a middle class pleb, I am not sure I could get used to it!

Dinner was communal, of course. The manager set up the tables with like minded people and she did a great job. The people at our table were funny and charming. The food was superb. We had a rugby mad couple at our table who wanted to watch a game. The only issue was that the TV was in the main living area. The one with a number of bedrooms opening off it. No problem as at about 10.30pm the manager came in, grabbed the remote off the rugby watchers and muted the sound. Done. They watched the remainder of the game in silence.

We DID have a good time though! All in all a great weekend away, just very different to what we had expected/ planned. For your info, when someplace has the words "estate" after it, this is what you get! No anonymity allowed.

No photos from my actual camera either. Wasn't the kind of place you could whip out your camera and take photos of the food. No sirree.

Blossom's week

2011-07-21T11:10:00.008+12:00

The roller coaster with Blossom's health continues. This may be an epic saga but I pray not. She had her skin prick test for inhalant allergins last Friday. Nothing. No reaction at all. NOTHING.

We went for coffee afterwards at a cafe where she held a soft toy and later that afternoon we visited a big dusty library where she played with their giant collection of teddy bears. She then proceeded to start a huge allergic reaction that has lasted 7 days ##**&#$#!!!!!!!

The little darling has been so sick. Vomiting, diarrhoea, coughing 24/7, not eating, wheezing, puffy face, eczema flair up, not sleeping. It's been a horror. Back to the doctor and he says based on clinical observation (ie me observing her) she has a severe dust mite allergy. With a side of dairy intolerance.

We do have a bit of a plan though:

I need to be (lots) more observant about where we go and what it's like when we get there.
No being around sick people during a reaction (Blossom also got a cold which added to her woes)
We have steroids now for when a reaction starts which will dull the severity of it and a super dooper anti-histamine. Not thrilled about the potential use of steroids but even less thrilled about going through another week like we've had.
We are making the house more "anti dust mites".
We are on the wait list to see the immunologists/ allergy specialists at Starship. Apparently they are renowned and very wise. Yay!

Not much else to say really. Blossom is now a skinny minny with stick legs. Her pants are falling off her *sigh* Today we battled to get food down her and she's off her bottle completely. Still she's snugly tucked up in bed, warm and sweet smelling, prayed over and with the vaporizer going and utterly sound asleep. Good one.

Right now

2011-07-17T18:46:00.013+12:00

Isn't it amazing how we sudden happenly upon encouragement? And they say there isn't a God.. HA I tell you!!!

These two blog posts have really encouraged me over the last week. One is by Beth Moore (I die. My hero.) She has this tangent in this post which really isn't a tangent for me, but such an encouragement. About being a non-dependable friend. Which is what I am at times and it kills me. Crazy how a tangent from one person is the God breathed encouragement for another. (And please ignore my slightly ranting comment at the end of this post- if by chance you are one of those people who reads the comments at the end of a post. I may be alone in this madness.)

And the other is from another working Mom, Kristen. Love this girl and her honesty (plus she's an adoptive Mommy). Being a WAHM (work at home mom) is the hardest thing ever and I feel such guilt that I find it hard. But wait! Beth Moore & Kristen have gone through what I am going through and that's encouragement enough for me. I am not alone.

God's word lately is NOW. I find myself asking myself at points during the day, "how is this moment?" "How are you here right now?" And most of the time, this moment is good. The next hour and the evening to come and the tomorrow may hold too much for my little life's jar but now is good. And somehow when I get to there, in an hour or a night or a day, God is also there before me and His Grace is sufficient and I am generally fine in that moment too.

Because I am so aware that this time is fleeting. My little miracles won't be little for too much longer and I don't want this season to have been about struggle. They are too precious for that and deserve so much more. I want this season to have been real (and hard) but joyous and amazing. So I find myself asking my soul "How are you NOW?" And I love that 9 times out of 10, my soul is good.

³⁴"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. Matthew 6:34 (MSG)

Vaccers

2011-07-15T20:00:00.001+12:00

*Disclaimer- this post is not open to a vigorous debate. I respect your opinion and so (pretty) please respect mine.*

Yeah, so we're non- vaccers. That means that Rupi and Blossom have never had a vaccination. I am not convinced about them and the research I have done confirms my belief. But. As of next week we are starting the process with Rupi.

To choose to non- vaccinate is fraught with emotion. People are seriously passionate about it and even close family members have had a go at us. The media pull out all the stops and when debating it, bring in the nuttiest crack pot they can to talk about it. There's a lot of ill feeling out there for non-vaccers.

So we've been pretty quiet about it and not talked about it much. Much as I would prefer never to vaccinate we realise that life is not ideal. I would like to always eat organic, never to have been infertile, never to have been on antibiotics, to have breast fed until my babies were over 12 months and use all natural stuff at home. But none of this is realistic or been do-able.

We have never been completely anti vaccinations. We just wanted to give the kiddies immune systems time to develop. And I am glad we've waited. Neither child had had an illness that is serious, no ear infections etc. Aside from Blossom's allergies, they are both very healthy. And maybe that's due to not vaccinating and maybe not.

It's time to start. Rupi starts pre school in November so it's a good time. There are some diseases that have dire consequences and we don't want to risk them. And yes, there's a whole debate about whether vaccinations actually prevent disease or not. I am not convinced either way but at this stage we are erring on the side of caution.

We are going to spread them out. No multiple injections for us and if we can split them we will. I am also going to dose Rupi right up on Vit C in the days leading up to each vaccination as this helps the body to cope. And we'll assess each vaccination and may choose not to do some.

It's a big decision for us. I think all parents make the best choice they can and this is the best one for us. We are strangely excited about it as it means that our little boy is now a big boy!

Goggas

2011-07-14T20:11:00.010+12:00

A friend visiting from the States brought a box of realistic giant plastic bugs for Rupi. They give me the absolute heebie-jeebies. Seriously. One of them *shudder* was lying on the floor near his high chair this morning. I pulled back the curtain and exposed it in all it's bug glory and jumped a mile high.

They are gross. But I am trying to be cool as apparently the smallies take on your fears. Just another method of heaping on the mother guilt if you ask me. So anyway I am attempting to pretend a whole lot of real-looking plastic bugs (also known as goggas if you are South African) are ok residing in my house. Really though, they make me gag. And I want to use the fly spray on them...desperately.

radio silence

2011-07-11T19:56:00.005+12:00

Sorry to be so absent, I am still here! The truth is, I am still trying to figure out how to fit everything into this amazing life I am leading. My life is a jar that seems one size too small. I have so much to do, so much I would love to do and be and my jar is that bit too small.

Work is huge (so grateful) and my children are small amazing beings that need me. Between the two and wanting to be the best I can for Dida, there's not a lot of room left in my jar. These three big beautiful stones fill my jar. They deserve the best and the most of me and so they get it.

So with the rest of my limited time I try to keep up with two blogs, see family and friends and maintain a house. Well, the house does not actually get maintained by me and the cooking? Hmmm, that's make do at the best of times.

And I have a longing in me for more of Him. I was so inspired by this on Sunday during prayer meeting. He can and will give me strength to live in a space of joy and thankfulness. For what He's given me is both bright and beautiful.

We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us. Colossians 1: 12 (MSG)

Living

2011-07-03T21:00:00.013+12:00

This weekend I had a list:

do groceries (the pantry is bare)

get into the gardening as it looks like a wilderness

do the washing as we have NO clean clothes left

tidy up and try to restore the house to a semblance of normality

Instead we just lived. It was glorious.

We met the cousins at the park. There was mud and slippery grass. It was wet and freezing. Pretty much a little boys paradise!

Dida took Rupi fishing off the local pier. They caught sprats and everyone was thrilled. Mama was thrilled that Rupi was tethered to the pier (see the rope?)

We caught up with Nana and Poppa. There was oodles of little girl adoration going on which was super cute. Luckily there was yummy food and a giant toy truck to keep the rest of us occupied!

We made memories and had a wonderful weekend. And the list can wait until another day!

The saga of Blossom

2011-07-03T15:15:00.000+12:00

Went to see the doc Friday. Our usual one. NOT green smoothie guy.

[Warning! Tangent...
I go to a holistic practice and they are great. But sometimes you just need the drugs. Green smoothie guy is the one I see when I can't get into our doctor. His standard response to anything (cold, cough, allergy, loss of limb, gangrene) is to try green smoothies. I am all for veggies and the benefits. But Blossom is a bit beyond a green smoothie. I had to force him to give us a referral to the paediatrician last time. He wanted us to try a new recipe with kale in it.... enough said.]

Our doctor said that Blossom IS intolerant to dairy. Sometimes allergins don't show up in test when children are very young. As she improves dramatically when she's off dairy, he believes we should keep her off dairy for another 6 months.

And he thinks she has an inhalent allergin too -mould, dustmites, pet hair etc. So we'll get a skin prick test for those and see.

Oh and he says that she doesn't have anything sinister or malignant. [My primary worry and you know how dramatic I can get. It's a gift (ha!)]

Homegrown

2011-06-29T08:00:00.002+12:00

We've been going to our church for 11 years. 11 years! We started going along as I was desperate for something like the church my sister then attended in South Africa. Alive, vibrant, multi-cultural, Spirit led and more.

God met my wish list and then some with Equippers. I am constantly amazed at how much our church fits us or we fit it. We just "get" our church and know that our church gets us.

We have had good times. Dida's salvation, both of our baptisms and the children's dedications. We had endless love and support during our years of waiting for Rupi. We have friendships that inspire and amaze us. We are loved and love in return.

There have also been rough times. Not bad times, just a rough patch. It was when Dida transitioned from working full time for church into the secular workforce again. Relationships morphed and changed and we had to figure out a whole lot of things. But God used that time to free us from the fear of man and to teach us about relationships.

I love two things about our church. One is how accepting they are. That acceptance is set from the top. And we have a pretty amazing "top"- an amazing wife/ husband team who lead our church. Dida and I don't fit the mould, well, there is no mould to fit really. I am unusual. A mother and business woman. I don't see many women like me at church. But I know that my God-given call is supported and accepted. I don't run a coffee group or help with a children's music group. I am different. And totally accepted.

The second thing I love is our homegrown talent. We attract world reknown speakers. People that blow your mind. But the best we have is at home. Our senior pastor is doing a series at the moment and it's revelation. God-inspired revelation. This man truly hears from God. Every time he speaks, I hear the quiet still voice of God. And he's ours! Equippers bred & homegrown. Yessah!

If you are ever in town come along and visit! We'll have coffee (of course) before the service then hold onto your seat. Our church rocks.

Disclaimer: If you go to church I am sure your church is awesome too, hehe!

Gather round

2011-06-28T09:12:00.004+12:00

To my wonderful bloggy friends

Please can we gather round and welcome Deborah? I know about her through my sister and she has started a blog (best thing ever!). Deborah is a child of Jesus' and is suffering from depression. She sounds like she's pretty much at the end of her rope.

Simoney, I left her a comment and maybe you could get her onto your special blog?

Thank you lovelies, she really needs a bit of our amazing community's TLC.

Murphy's Law

2011-06-27T18:41:00.004+12:00

You know how you feel like death and then on the way to the doctor you suddenly feel so much better? Like you shouldn't really trouble the doctor at all... or have taken the time off work?

I had the equivalent today.

Blossom woke up howling from her afternoon nap. Inconsolable. She would only be held in one position- me standing with her vertical on my chest. Then she would reduce the howling to a wail. To be resumed the instant I moved.

After half an hour of this I was due to to get Rupi up from his nap and had no idea how I was going to survive the remainder of the afternoon. I had a quick think (because I need to be DESPERATE for the next step) and called Dida. "Come home please. Now. No, now. This minute please" were my words to the background screaming. He canceled 500 things he had to do and started driving home.

He texted me "5min away" Thank you Jesus I thought. And at that instant Blossom stopped howling, disengaged herself from my body and toddled over to watch the DVD I had put on for Rupi.

????!!!!!!?????

Dida arrived home to two quiet children and a wife who could not stop explaining that really Blossom was going crazy. Just a minute ago, I promise. Seriously.

Doesn't help that Dida was extremely busy at work.....

However, I am super glad he was home early. Blossom really is not well and having the extra pair of hands was amazing. Still, why couldn't she have cried for just 5 min more? I feel like a bit of a trickster!

Blah

2011-06-26T14:00:00.011+12:00

Well this little bunny is walking now! It's the cutest bow legged stagger you ever saw. She's determined to walk and marches her way around the house in search of exciting things to destroy.

But she's in the middle of another massive allergic attack. The full gamut of symptoms- wheezing, coughing, diarrhoea, puffiness etc etc. Blah. I shouldn't have taken her to church this morning, she was very unhappy and it was awful for all of us. Well, all of us adults and her. Rupi had a great time in children's church! So not a wasted trip at all thinking about it.

The confusing thing is that Blossom's skin prick tests have come back clear for all food allergies (dairy, soy, eggs, gluten and shell fish). From what I can gather from the blood test results, they are clear too.

What the heck????!!!!!

We just don't get it. She is definitely better on dairy free, so we think. So what one earth is she reacting to?

Dida's new train of thought is dust mites. This latest attack came on after he vacuumed yesterday with her in the room. She's normally out when the house gets cleaned. She was fine yesterday morning and then in the afternoon morphed into allergic girl with every symptom under the sun.

I know that there are much worse things that she could have. But it's so hard to watch your little girl in distress. Blah. We are back to the doctor this week for some advice and hopefully some answers.

Trying not to be blah over this. I am praying & believing for healing. Our God is the God of mercy and by Jesus' stripes we are healed. Claiming that!

Ode to my Blossom

2011-06-19T18:04:00.007+12:00

Have I mentioned how brave my small girl is? Braver than her mother that's for sure. This was pointed out to me by Dida. True.

She has needed some blood tests to try and see what the heck she's reacting to. So there's been a long list of blood needing to be drawn and a skin prick test to do. And have I ever mentioned (maybe 400 times or so) that I am needle phobic? Maybe something to do with having about a million needles poked in me over the last couple of years.

So getting my little girl with tiny chubby arms to the clinic have been quite a trial. My Mom came to the rescue and came along on Friday. Turns out they only did the skin prick test as the whole caboodle would have been too much in one go. And she didn't even cry through it all. And yes, I (shamefully) did.

Dida took her along on Sat for the actual blood draws and she was so brave. She did cry but it didn't last long. She came home with a tiny plaster on one small chubby arm and pointed it out to me. Cute face.

Hats off to you my sweet Blossom!

Pocket

2011-06-18T19:59:00.005+12:00

Rupi and I have a small pocket of space together each day where we are totally alone while Blossom is asleep. It absolutely rocks. I get him up from his midday nap and we snuggle together on the couch for a while. Then we generally do something together like read a book or do a puzzle or chat or act the fool like this (our usual choice!)....

I love this time together. And I am keen to do the same with Blossom. How do you make time for each of your kiddies? Please share with this (relative) newbie!

Cuzzies (kiwi for cousins..)

2011-06-13T20:42:00.006+12:00

We hadn't seen the cuzzies for ages (due to my extreme work load) so decided to get together on Sunday afternoon. Wonderful idea. The ideas went downhill from that moment of inspiration.

We decided to meet at a mall. On a Sunday afternoon. They have a play area so the kids could play and we could have coffee and catch up. Nice idea but flawed somewhat. The success of this plan depended on several things. Well, two things. Our kids and other kids. And neither played ball.

Rupi was in a push-bash mood. He hasn't had one of these for MONTHS. But pulled out all the stops to show us that this behaviour was still in his repertoire. Then the pay area was occupied by very sensitive children and their very protective parents. Oil and water.

We had a quick confab and decided to evacuate the area before we were lynched. We walked up the mall with out bouncing, shouting (mine) offspring and found a Bob the builder play thing. The kids descended on it like a swarm of bees.

After ice cream with accompanying tantrums (not mine this time thank goodness) we decided on one more short playtime. Just because we like to be tortured. And this photo honestly describes the outing to a T.

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Lost

2011-06-13T20:14:00.004+12:00

And found! I am still here. But I have been busy. Very very busy. Every waking hour (that I am not being Mama or wife) busy.

I won a big project with a super tight program. Lovely and super stretching. Having my own business means that I can't delegate anything. Nothing. At all. So I am relearning old skills. Like photoshop. I spent ALL of last weekend creating these (Judge not ye of many photoshop skills...)

Anyhoo. They did the job and the client loves the concept. Sold. Now we are drawing. Well, I am not actually drawing. It's the first project where I have hired others to do the draughting. Big steeeeeep learning curve for Mrs Control Freak here.

I am getting there and it's just a short season. I will be more regular soon. Now that sounds bad doesn't it????

Our God-given right

2011-06-08T13:30:00.012+12:00

This is one of those posts. It's going to make some people uncomfortable. Sorry in advance but my opinion is based on what I have lived. My testimony.

People are constantly telling us how amazing we are in this adoption thing. And we are far from amazing. We have just seen the impact of not doing adoption this way first hand. And as we love our little boy to distraction we want to save him pain.

We have an open adoption. And it seems, a very open one. Open adoption is not a choice here in NZ as it is elsewhere. It's how it is. The truth is that initially an open adoption is far harder on the adoptive parents. A closed adoption is easier to start your life as parents with. But it's not what is best for the child. And long term an open adoption is far easier for everyone.

Adoption runs like a thread through Dida's family. His granddad was adopted as was his father. His grandmother fell pregnant when she was 17 years old and grandad raised her daughter Anna*, as his own. In turn Anna fell pregnant when she was also 17 years old and was forced to give her daughter, Celia*, up for adoption. ALL of these adoptions were closed. ALL of these adoptions have caused immeasurable pain to the WHOLE extended family.

Take Anna for example. Every time we see her she seeks me out. And talks with tears running down her face. Of finding her birth daughter again, of how Anna's adoptive mother is hostile, of the fact that she didn't find her own birthfather until it was too late. On and on, the pain spins out. Then when she can't talk anymore she always turns and looks at Rupi. And asks about Sweetpea, when we last saw her, how she's doing. She relives it all in a good way through our adoption. She says it heals her.

Then there's Celia, Anna's daughter. Anna and Celia found each other when Celia was 35 years old. Celia's Mom would not help her. Anna is desperate for any contact with Celia. She says to me that she will take whetever she can get. I understand Celia's Mom's fear. Of how threatened she feels. Selfishly I want to demystify Sweetpea. Make her a natural part of our lives. So there isn't this massive and undeniable need to seek her out. So that she is available and the relationship is a natural one that grows and develops alongside ours.

And lastly there's my Da, my beloved father-in-law. Who's adoption caused him such pain. His birth mother found him as an adult and would visit him occasionally. These visits were so traumatic for him, even as a grown man, that my mother-in-law would find in a foetal position on the bed afterwards. Sobbing.

Closed adoption is not cool. And I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I believe it's our God given right to know our biological heritage.

Dida and I are are not doing our open adoption because we are incredible selfless human beings. We are doing it because to NOT to do it, would be unbelievably cruel to our son.

Something to remember...

There are degrees of open-ness and each family needs to judge what is good for them. If Sweetpea was a drug addict or Rupi was a result of a rape, things would be very different. We are totally blessed that Sweetpea (and J of course as the birth dad) are wonderful people and our family cultures are similar.

So please. If you or anyone you know is adopting, talk to them about an open adoption. Refer them to my blog or email me. Thank you so much xxx

* Not their real names

Beautiful road trip

2011-06-06T20:07:00.000+12:00

We had a wonderful weekend! We went to the town that Rupi was born in, to spend a night with his birth mother and birth grandparents. We've been ready to do this for a while, but Sweetpea (Rupi's birthmom) has had a hard road recently and being in her space would have been a bit much for her.

It was plain lovely. We have got the place where it's like visiting extended family- you are welcomed, loved and spoilt. It was easy. And that is saying something. The sheer volume of differing emotions- grief, joy, pain and wonder all existing in the same space for the different people involved, makes an adoption complex. So for everyone to be in a place where its easy and just flows, is a testiment to God's healing and grace.

We had fun. The kids were crazy and indulged. Love it. There were some very special moments too. One was meeting Sweetpea's grandmother. The last time she saw Rupi was when he had just been born. Apparently she just sat and held Rupi close for hours. So it was very emotional for her to see him again. And very healing.

Another special moment was taking Rupi down to his birth grandfathers music studio. It's easy to see where Rupi gets his love of guitars from! The two of them played and tried out the guitars and I am not sure who was happier!!

Another crazy moment was meeting one half of a special couple in an indoor kids playground. This couple were the first people Sweetpea approached with regard to adopting Rupi. They ended up saying no, and so the door opened for us. God is amazing at how Rupi's life is a web of His connections and divine timings. This couple now have the cutest button of a girl and it was a sheer joy to bring Rupi and Blossom over to the hubbie and introduce them. God amazes me!

On Sunday morning we went and had brunch at the cafe Sweetpea works at. I loved going into her world. Rupi was like a small king this weekend and Blossom was the queen. I love how Blossom is also loved by the birth families. She is seen as important too and both sides of the birth families work hard to include and love her. How great is that??!!??

This is how it should be and what we've prayed for. An ease and a peace around the relationships. We can't wait to go back down and visit again!

A mixed blessing

2011-05-26T21:12:00.000+12:00

The midday sleeps are abating in our house. Rupi is sleeping a lot less at lunchtime and Blossom, well her midday nap has never been a long one.

I use this time to work so it means I need to make up the time at night. That's a bit hard at times. But! Having a longer afternoon with my little ones is just lovely. We get to go for walks and see diggers and go on slides and swings.

Each new season with these amazing little people is wonderful!

A bit of this and that

2011-05-24T13:56:00.000+12:00

Randomness to my week:

1. I have a design blog now *squeal*!!!! I have big plans for this little baby and so am praying lots for many many readers. So different to this space, where I don't care about who reads it (as long as all of you do!)

2. This little sweetie's body is slowly starting to react to food less. I have pulled out a whole lot of stuff from her diet and she's better. Yay.

3. This is Rupi giving me a performance and singing his heart out. It's hysterical. I am not allowed to sing along, clap or move my body. I have to sit still and watch. And then applaud wildly at the end.

4. And! I am going to serve in the parents room at church! WOOHOO! Its been a long dry spell but now with both kiddies in childrens church, I am free to serve. Can't wait. Gonna bake up a storm and love those sleep deprived new mums.

Have a wonderful week!

Dairy downer

2011-05-22T20:10:00.000+12:00

So my bunny is one. Yeehaa! And as she approached her first birthday we decided it was time to see if she could handle....d.a.i.r.y.

When we saw the paediatrician at 5 months old, his advice was to give her dairy on and off to "see if she was getting over it". We ignored that piece of ~~idiocy~~ wisdom and gave her system a good rest. And slowly introduced bits here and there as she got nearer to her year mark. And mind you, I am not talking about pure dairy like butter, milk & yoghurt, but milk in stuff like a bit of gingerbread man.

Let me just say she is NOT OVER IT.

We have had weeks of huge vomits, darth-vadar breathing, diarrhoea and the same old lovely symptoms. Puffy eyes and an endlessly running nose made themselves known too. I blew my top (gently) at the doctor at the lack of anything helpful and we are seeing the paediatrician again this week. I will try not to tell him he is an idiot and ask for her to be properly tested. For everything. Blossom is has never tried eggs, nuts, honey or gluten as we have no idea if those are allergens too.

The doctor remarked that her intolerance seems to be quite severe. Really? No way. And that she's probably intolerant of soy and MSG too. Thanks for that additional info this far in. We have removed any type of preservative from her diet and she seems to be better.

I realise that I am frustrated and really sarcastic (apologies) but changing bedclothes and bathing my bunny a couple of times a night as she vomits her heart out, is just awful.

On a happier note, I went to the Gluten Free Food and Allergy show this weekend. It was pure awesomeness! I got a whole lot of food that Blossom can eat and she got to eat her first biscuit. It was yummy too and gluten, egg and dairy free. It was incredible to see her enjoying such a simple pleasure- a vanilla tea biscuit.

This intolerance is pretty minor when you consider what else could have happened and there are far worse cases out there. I know this and am grateful. And I also know that doctors can't be everything and know all that there is. This is MY little girl, that's all, and she's pretty precious to me.

Blue eyes

2011-05-19T16:48:00.000+12:00

Happy birthday my darling little girl!

Today you are one year old! A whole 12 months old!

You are the "pure unmerited favour of God" in every single way. You bring light and joy into our family. I have loved you utterly & completely from the moment I laid eyes on you (even though the first thing you did was poo on me... and things have not changed since then!)

I am smitten by you, little girl.

You are optimistic and always upbeat. Despite what life is throwing at you, you remain cheerful. How you do it, I do not know. But through it all, you smile and giggle. I love that about you.

You are my pearl and your Daddy's princess. He already tells you how pretty you are and I think you understand. You are simply beautiful. One day we'll teach you about beauty on the inside but for now all you need to know is that you are gorgeous.

When you are not in the room life seems flatter somehow. You bring colour into our world and life is brighter and clearer when you are near. You are so cuddly and affectionate and I love to hold you. I love how you grab hold of me and live up to the nickname of "Claws".

Even though you are a toddler now, I would still like to rock you before you go to sleep. I will do it for as long as you'll let me. Please may it be until I can't hold you up any longer!

Little C G (today I can't call you Blossom) I love you from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. With all that I am, I love you.

Happy Birthday darling, love your Mama

Happy happy

2011-05-17T20:29:00.000+12:00

My little bunny is one this week. One! And Saturday was her first birthday party ever. It was sweet and colourful and filled with joy. This week has been tough for her health-wise and we needed a time to just celebrate.

And we did! We celebrated a little girl who is always smiling. Who is very (very) loud and extremely cuddly. She got to eat her first ever cupcake made for her by her Nana. Diary free chocolate goodness!

We had family and close friends. Spot Simoney, Miss Fab, Penny, Smiley and Mr Samoa! We loved it and are so grateful for our little princess.

Delight

2011-05-16T13:25:00.000+12:00

Parenting Rupi has been a roller coaster. Given his start in life we have been super careful about a lot of things that relate to attaching and bonding. We have been reluctant to push him out of the nest in any way, preferring to let him experience life when he feels ready. This has been hard for those around us and us at times.

He's not an "open arms wide" kind of person. He's reserved and his love is hard won. But once won, it's there to stay. You are invited into this special world where love is given by the bucketful. You are preferred and chosen.

We have talked endlessly about this seemingly spirited little man. Who contradicts the meaning of spirited at the same time as matching it's description. We have puzzled and prayed. Tested and adapted and tried again. There has been a lot of confusion and frustration and time spent on our knees.

Then suddenly it all made sense.

I was at my parents church rocking Blossom in their big cafe area. There was a wall of books for sale. I wondered over and started reading the backs of them. This book leapt out at me... Is your child moody, sensitive, compassionate, imaginative and stubborn? YES! All the words describe Rupi exactly. It was like a light shone from heaven and I saw hope. Dramatic but true.

Rupi can be described as a Dreamer child. Highly sensitive and imaginative. Moody and very compassionate. Seemingly spirited as he can be very focused but only in some things. He's big picture. He doesn't follow rules which makes discipline frustrating and interesting.

This book has been amazing. Mostly so encouraging as we have (with His help) done things the way Rupi needs them done. It has helped me understand my little boy and explained a lot of his behaviour. It has also been incredibly encouraging in the area of adoption. Rupi does not behave the way he does because of his adoption at birth, it's just the way he was made.

Dreamers are amazing. So creative. And we see that already. And incredibly imaginative. We have to call him Simba as he loves the Lion King and re-enacts all sorts of scenes. I have to call Blossom "Nala" and I am "Mama Lion". Rupi physically acts parts of the movie while watching it and will only respond to us if we call him Simba.

He's stubborn and often will not obey. We have to vary the different types of discipline with him as one type does not work all the time. He's very compassionate and loving. He's a Dreamer child! It's fantastic to get a glimmer of understanding about our precious first born.

**Disclaimer: no child fits into a box. No child can be defined exactly. We are made in His Image and each is different and unique. But we need help parenting! And sometimes definitions, if applied loosely, can help immeasurably. The end.**

P.S. We got a mention on BlueLily's blog- *shriek*! I die.

Victory!

2011-05-12T14:00:00.001+12:00

Last Sunday was Mother Day. My third one. This one was different. The first one was utter relief and emotion, the second was about celebrating pregnancy. This one was pure victory. The barren girl stood there with two children. I wanted to shout with praise!

I love this passage of Scripture. I have experienced childbirth but naturally I should not have. I am barren. Yet I have a lineage established. I have children, the wonderful amazing blessing of children! I also love how this passage talks about the humiliations of my youth being forgotten. I found infertility so humiliating and that pain has been redeemed. God is so good!

"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
   Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!
You're ending up with far more children
   than all those childbearing women." God says so!
"Clear lots of ground for your tents!
   Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope,
   drive the tent pegs deep.
You're going to need lots of elbow room
   for your growing family.
You're going to take over whole nations;
   you're going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed.
   Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short.
You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth.... Isaiah 54: 1-6 (part of)

His promises are Yes and Amen!

P.S. And Dida gets 100% for "helping" Rupi and Cate with their Mothers Days gift- a spa treatment!!!! The best ever!!!!! Woohoo!

They've arrived!

2011-05-12T09:00:00.002+12:00

After days of compulsively checking my email about 400 times a day, the photo link arrived! And I downloaded 35 beautiful images of our little family. They are GORGEOUS! As I hoped she would, Wendy captured the essence of our family. Somehow these images burst with light and joy. Sheer genius!

Tagged!

2011-05-11T10:00:00.001+12:00

Penny at Spirited Baby tagged me. She's pretty fabulous and I love her so much it hurts. She's an awesome BFF and my sister (double blessing!)

Which living person do you admire most and why?
My husband, for ~~putting up with me~~ loving me. He rocks.

When were you happiest?
I am the happiest I have ever been right now. Life is still super hard but we were never promised an easy life. I am living my dream and am overjoyed.

My most embarrassing moment:
Presenting to a client and we looked down and there was a big hair just sitting on the table. A "you know from where" hair. And let's just say it wasn't mine.... We both just ignored it; I turned the page and quietly died on the inside.

Aside from property the most expensive thing you've bought:
A car- no surprises there.

What is your most treasured possesion:
My watch. The story is that my ex-boyfriend gave me a gucci watch for my 21st. My husband hated that I wore it but it was a good watch and I liked it. So for our 10th wedding anniversary Dida got me a surprise gift- a gucci watch. A nicer and prettier one. And I ♥ it a lot. So much so I have to "lay it down" when I get too attached. It is only a watch afterall!

Where would you like to live:
A suburb near to us. I love it. Old and established with old houses and streets. Near the sea.... what's not to love?

What's your favourite smell:
I have two: Rupi and Blossom. When I got to bed I open their bedroom doors and inhale. They smell so different but I love each one. Am I wierd? This sounded wierd....

Who would play you in a film of your life?
No idea...

What is your favourite book:
Crumbs. This is hard. I love so many books. I may take the holy route and say the bible, especially the book of Psalms.

What is your most unappealing habit:
I don't have one. Nor will I admit to one in the face of overwhelming evidence (presented by Dida)

What is your earliest memory:
I was about two and snuck off to have a swim by myself in the swimming pool. I remember clinging to the edge and working my way around the pool. I got my backside tanned for that one. As as a mother I can understand the horror my mother felt at finding me! She must have nearly died.

What is your guiltiest pleasure:
Reading gossip rags at the dentist or hairdresser....

What do you owe your parents:
Emotionally? A lot. Financially? Nothing.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
My ex-boyfriend's sister who tried to witness to me for years. And I would not listen. At all. I would like to say thank you.

Who or what is the greatest love of your life:
Jesus.(and yes the greatest human love is Dida- of course!)

What does love feel like?
A teensy bit personal??!!???

What was the best kiss of your life?
As above

What words or phrases do you over use?
"in all honesty" I even find myself tiresome for saying it so much!

What is the worst job you have done?
Worked for a nutter designer for 5 months who drove me to the brink of a breakdown.

If you could edit your past what would you change?
I would have worked harder in school and actually listened in class. However, I like what I do now and wouldn't change that so would better marks have helped? Probably not.
Ooo! I know! I would have learned to sew a lot earlier. And saved more!

What is the closest you've come to death?
Playing that girl in the titanic off the front of a giant fast moving boat. I shudder when I think about it. Stoopid!!!!

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Being a Mama, hands down and nothing close. I love it.

When did you last cry and why?
On Saturday. Just over tired and over emotional. A little rain shower that passed with no ill effect.

How do you relax?
Reading, blogging, sewing and baking. Hanging out with friends.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Getting a house cleaner. Seriously. Anyone know of any good ones?

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
God's Timing is perfect. He has this deal under control and I can trust Him.

I tag:
Joye at Joyeful journey
Mountain Mama
Abigail at Shine On Child
Tea at Homemakers Heart
Gail at Delightfully Diva-ish

But don't feel pressured to do this. It takes a bit of time and activating the old noodle which can be hard when all you want to do is switch off. Just know you are loved and chosen!

The Winner!

2011-05-10T13:52:00.000+12:00

We have a winner! Mountain Mama! Drop me your details at samantha(at)khaya(dot)co(dot)nx

Woohoo!

Close call

2011-05-04T13:41:00.000+12:00

A tornado came calling through my neck of the woods yesterday. Yup, you heard right...a tornado...in AUCKLAND. I mean, hello...

I was sitting at the dining room table and I noticed the torrential downpour of rain had suddenly stopped. Odd. Then I heard what sounded like a "low flying plane" fly over. Except it got louder and louder and this horrific wind started up. The trees were bending nearly horizontal. I ran to the living room window and I saw it. A huge brown swirling pulsing funnel of wind came over the brow of the hill. And passed right by- it was about a couple of houses away.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing and just stood there. Right next to the gaint pane of glass. My thoughts were (not in sequence) "Is this real?/ is that a tornado?/ can't be/ must just be wind/ surely not/ I am standing next to a gaint pane of glass/ maybe I should move/ would be silly to run from wind/ is that a tornado?/ hope the kids don't wake up/ surely not..."

And then it disappread over the other end of the valley. I texted Dida and said "I think I just saw a tornado" and felt like an egg even writing the word tornado. I mean, tornado???? He freaked out rang me back and said it was all over the news and yes darling, it was real. He came home in a flash and went out to help the neighbours.

The street right next to ours got the brunt of the damage as it was in the direct path of the she-devil cloud. The fire trucks and ambulances were there within minutes. Dida saw whole trees on peoples roofs and houses with roofs missing- lucky he's in roofing and was saving the day. That's my man!

We were SO lucky (thank you God) It blew our garden chairs over. That's it. A radio host was saying that he couldn't understand how people could just stand and film the tornado. I do. Your brain does not compute that this is actually real. We are not trained in what to do in a tornado like we are in the event of an aerthquake or tsunami. So you stand and think "is this real" while a part of you is screaming internally.

It gave me a good insight (albeit ever so small) into what those folks in the USA went through. And my heart just goes out to them. Not nice.

A Giveaway

2011-05-02T14:14:00.000+12:00

Well hello. It's been a while- sorry. I have been super busy with work and really found it hard to do anything with my sparce spare time other than fold laundry/wash laundry/ignore mess/stack dishwasher/unload dishwasher/bake/tidy/avert eyes from state of house/cook occasionally and then sleep.

I have spent a bit of time with her as Dida went away with Rupi. My gosh, I love her to pieces!

And...I have a giveaway!

It's no secret that I love blogging...mainly because I have met so many awesome women! Love it! I have strengthened my IRL frienships, found kindred spirits and been inspired by so many of you.

In good old Sammy tradition my giveaway is a necklace. Can't help it, I have about a million necklaces and love them. Necklaces and shoes are very similar- you can wear el cheapo old clothes and be instantly transformed with a jazzy necklance and a cute pair of shoes. The end.

So.

Leave me a comment and you're in the draw. Will ship to anywhere. Even the south island (HA!....teehee!)

Sweetpea

2011-04-25T10:06:00.000+12:00

She's been on my mind. I think Easter reminds me of her. I think especially of sacrifice at this time. My God gave His son for me. Chose to allow His Son to die so I can have life. I make no bones that that kind of sacrifice is inconceivable for me.

I could not give up one of my children for anyone. Sorry. I wish I was nicer but they are beyond precious to me. If one of you needed life at the expense of one of my children....sorry. You would be meeting Jesus in heaven *wink*

Yet Sweetpea did. She looked at what she could give Rupi and at how much she loved him, and made the ultimate sacrifice. She chose us and gave up her chance to be a Mommy to him. Yes, she's still his birthmommy, but I am the Mommy that he knows. The one he reaches for and calls "Mama".

When I read about adoptions I am so happy and so sad at the same time. I feel such joy for those who's breakthrough is coming, but I know of the sorrow coming for those on the other side.

I know Sweetpea misses Rupi with every fibre of her being. I know she thinks of him every single day. I am so glad she knows he's safe and loved and cherished. Imagine not even knowing that... She knows that she can come up to Auckland at any time and see him. He is accessible to her.

But.

I am the Mama that tucks him up in bed at night. The one he wants to cuddle. The sacrifice was on her side. The pain on her side. The fullfillment and joy on mine. Two edges of a sword. Sweet and bitter. So I think of her and I pray for her. And I hold Rupi tight and we look at photos of her and we talk. About growing in Sweetpea's tummy and how much she loves him.

Last time we saw her she held Rupi and kissed him. The love shone out of that kiss. And she told him out loud for the first time in my hearing, that she loved him. My heart was full. And it broke at the same time.

So I honour Sweetpea and those like her. Who choose a sacrifice I cannot begin to imagine. They are an example of Christ to me. They lay down their desires and dreams so another can have what they dream of.

Pretty jolly humbling.

Toot toot....

2011-04-23T21:05:00.002+12:00

Aside from the special-ness of the weekend, it was made extra special. Last December I booked tickets to the W.iggles. Yes, them. Pre-baby you scorn them, I admit. Grown men prancing around in coloured suits...well, I ask you. But. Post-baby it's a whole new world. Now I know all the words to all the songs and most of the moves too. Shamefully I could probably put on my own show. The aqua W.iggle. Nice.

Anyway, my sister and I took our little W.iggle fans along to the concert this afternoon. There were two VERY excited little men in the back seat!

Before the show, grinning from ear to ear

My sister (bless her) had promised my nephew a "Big Red Car" toy. So when he got one there was no way Rupi would put up with not having one either. Think nuclear fallout- PRE show. Here they are with their (gulp) NZ$30 cars...

Waiting to go in, bonding over their cars....

Grown men prancing around in coloured suits...with an octopus.

Me and my boy.

It was actually lovely. The W.iggles are not arrogant and came off the stage a fair bit and walked around the auditorium. They also seemed to have a good time and weren't jaded at all. Ok, I admit, I am a fan (sshhhh, don't tell ANYONE)

It was a wonderful experience and a special date with my little man! Loved it.

Selfless

2011-04-22T14:45:00.001+12:00

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

As Christians we talk on and on about God's love. Sometimes it gets a bit ho-hum. Sort of loses itself.

But when I stop to think about it, truly think, it takes my breath away. God's love is like a fire, all consuming. And like a fire, it's unstoppable. It burns through boundaries, walls and stumbling blocks. It literally sets the world on fire.

Only with that kind of love could He contemplate allowing His son to die for others. For us, you and me. I have to admit, I could not let Rupi die for someone else. Even thinking that makes me cringe. The hard ugly truth is that I simply could not.

But He did. And Jesus willingly allowed Himself to be nailed to a piece of wood so you and I could know Him.

It blows my mind.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so selfless and so loving.

Weekend!

2011-04-17T20:32:00.000+12:00

This was a great weekend. We needed a great weekend and this one delivered.

We had Turbo's third birthday which (unbelievably) was fun. I say this as it was pouring with rain and we had 6 children under 6 in one little house. There were only the cousins there which gives you an insight into the insanity of family gatherings at this point. But no one died or killed another one and I think fun was had by all!

Blossom slid ~~under the radar~~ around the floor, under things,scavanging as she went. No idea what she ended up eating....

Dida pretending to eat his (cute and must hug his aunty despite not wanting to!) nephew

Rupi and another cousin playing with balloons. Apparently popping balloons is the new great thing. My Dad had to take a stroll outside (in the rain) at one point to recover from the noise. Tsk tsk.

The birthday boy himself playing with our present. I made him a car tote with a road to play with on the move. I (think) he liked it!

And then...

We had our photo shoot this morning with them! It was postponed from yesterday as the weather was crazy downpours of rain. We woke up to the sun shining and blue sky this morning- woohoo!

We did the shoot at an idylic regional park a little out of Auckland and it was amazing. Wendy is SO nice and took the time to put Rupi at his ease before we began. She shot him on the go and we didn't have many times where we all stood still. It suited Rupi down to the ground and I think she got some lovely shots of him. Blossom just chilled and went with the flow. Wendy sat her in the dunes at one point among the sand grasses. Think it will be amaaaaazing!!!

It was a blast and we recommend Blue Lily so much. Can't wait to see the photos!

Hope your weekend was good too!

I tried.

2011-04-14T14:09:00.001+12:00

I love this blog. This girl has suffered. And her hurting helped my hurting. Her honesty carried me through at times.

The final line on this post resonates in me. ...and I will know that I tried with my all.

That's all I want. To know that I have tried with my all. This season is hard and stretching. Running a small business and raising small children means constant evaluation. Making room for so much means letting so much go.

I long for Him. I may not talk about my God a lot but He is always on my mind. I long to hear the wrods "well done good and faithful servant" one day. And I want to tell Him that I gave it my all. Everything I had. Most times it wasn't enough and often it was so little, but I give it my all.

I love to imagine meeting Him for coffee. At my happy place. He's big and solid and kind-of reassuring in presence. We get our coffee- me a tall soy mocha and him a venti long black. No sugar thanks. The boy serving us wonders why this giant of a man makes him feel so safe and this brings him to tears that he hides behind the coffee machine.

We wander over to the banquet seating and we sit down. I sit beside Him and get as close to Him as I physically can. I imagine Him ewaring a thick wool coat that feels warm and scratchy when I rest my cheek against His arm.

We sip our coffee not saying anything. I can feel Him just waiting for me. There's no rush, He will wait for me. Tears thicken my throat and well up inside me. There's so much I want to say but the most important words that come out are "I gave it my all, Jesus. I tried."

I am weak and so very mortal. I am broken and extremely tired. But I want to know that I gave it my all. That I loved Him beyond measure and that, for Him, I tried.

I am so...

2011-04-10T17:55:00.000+12:00

EXCITED! I am a Nienie fan and have always loved the photos she gets done of her family. Her photgraphers are this amazing couple. I am not a photographer so don't quite know what I love about their photos, but I love them. They are so vibrant and alive.

Anyway. This couple travels (see where I am going? Yippee!)....

And are in Auckland NEXT WEEKEND. I booked a session with them last November and I have been getting more and more excited ever since. It cost a lot, more than I have admited to Dida- but Meg reckons I got a good deal. And she should know being a talented photographer and all.

So we are ready! The outfits are all chosen- not to matchy-matchy but co-ordinated. I am a designer after all and can't help myself. The heads are all cut/ styled and , in my case, coloured. The bribes for small people are planned. The only fly in the ointment was pointed out to me by Dida- we need to somehow keep Rupi out of the sea as the shoot is on a beach and he is ~~utterly~~ slightly obsessed with swimming.

Nevermind! Nothing can stop us having fun and having some shots of a wet child can only add to the beauty (I think!). Only 5 more sleeps!

Things I am loving and Grateful for...

2011-04-09T18:33:00.001+12:00

♥ My Work

I have been head down and bottom up for the last month with all the work I have on. It's been intense and slightly mad but this is such a blessing. It means that my little children do not have to go into daycare and can be at home. It means that I can help fill the family coffers and it means that I can....

♥ GET MY HAIR DONE

I mean REALLY done. Salon cut and colour. Ah, the bliss. I haven't had this done for so long. It's such a treat to be pampered and choose what I want with the stylist. Talk colour and what will look best for my hair. I love my hair now!

♥ Pink

I am not always a fan of pink- it's so stereotypical. But oh my gosh. There is just something about a little girl in pink. Freshly washed in her jammies. Argh. I.want.to.eat.her. And because she's mine I can smoosh her neck all I want (which is a lot!!!)

♥ A late afternoon Ritual

Mama and the kiddies on the trampoline every afternoon. Universally loved by everyone. Autumn afternoons are the very best- crisp but warm enoough to wear shorts. So good.

Very grateful for so much and loving it all!

Have a great Sunday!

Linking up with Paisley Jade and Maxibella

I did it....

2011-04-02T19:00:00.000+13:00

Yup I did it. The coast to coast 16km Walk for Christchurch. It is the most magnificent walk through some amazing parts of Auckland and me? Well I nearly died. This was due to the lack of actual physical training I did. I focused more on the mental training needed...ha.

I complained to Dida that I felt there was a lack of support coming from the homefront and he explained later that it was because he was freaking out. He thought I was insane, as I did myself, and neither of us slept well last night. (This may have also been due to Simoney's homemade tiramasu with coffee in it that we scoffed over dinner last night!)

The walk was organised by Gail who was part of a contingent that led the walk. In fact someone in her little pack said they COMPETED to be at the front. I was just glad to finish the walk let along compete in any way, shape or form.

There was 6 of us who stuck together including Lyns and Meg. It was SO nice to spend time with them, they are amazing. The other 3 women were a bit older than us and one led the way (fabulous) and another was our navigator (even more fabulous). So really all I needed to do was put one foot in front of another and keep up. Nice one.

The walk itself was gorgeous and the weather even better. The most marvelous thing was that I completed it. And can now round up payment. Yay, a million times. I (and my nervous digestion system) can now relax and have a glass of wine. Amen.

We set off....

Across the city heading towards the domain

I already had my "what the heck" face on

Lyns and Meg (seriously nice girls)

Doing our "alternative route" up Mt Eden

Top of Mt Eden

Top of One Tree Hill (again we took an alternative route"!)

The best sight in the WHOLE world!!!!

God's best gift

2011-03-29T14:57:00.001+13:00

Was reading the other day and this spoke right into my heart. As it tends to as the Words are True and real. They are Him.

If God doesn't build the house, the builders only build shacks.
   If God doesn't guard the city,
      the night watchman might as well nap.
   It's useless to rise early and go to bed late,
      and work your worried fingers to the bone.
   Don't you know he enjoys
      giving rest to those he loves?

^3-5 Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
      the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
   Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
      are the children of a vigorous youth.
   Oh, how blessed are you parents,
      with your quivers full of children!
   Your enemies don't stand a chance against you;
      you'll sweep them right off your doorstep.

Psalm 127 MSG (emphasis mine)

And this is why it hurt so much not to have children. Because they are God's BEST gift. The one that He pours Himself into. I knew this while I was waiting and it killed me. I knew what a gift they would be. I blat on and on about my children and how I adore them. And I do. However there are hard times too- like this weekend, yesterday and today. My little boy is..well, challenging at times.

But I truly believe that He and his baby siter are God's best gift. I can see His Handprints all over them and I unashamedly cry when I think of that (plus I am a sookie, truth be known!)

So this is how I feel about them. I had no idea Dida was taking this photo. I love it and I want Rupi and Blossom to know that this is how I feel about them. Regardless of the ~~seemingly endless~~ tantrums, this will never change. And hopefully that love will point them to the One who loves them even more. Who lavishes them with Love.

Things I am Loving

2011-03-26T21:10:00.000+13:00

♥ My Life

Things are so much easier now that Blossom is a little older. It was pretty hard there for a while, but things are on the up and up.

I love these tiny people who look at me with soulful eyes

Pretend that they are pirates

Look up at me with the sweetest expression

And drift off to sleep in my arms

I call myself totally and utterly blessed!! I love my life.

Hand made

2011-03-24T14:04:00.000+13:00

I write so much about Rupi. The journey of adoption is new and fresh and stretching. I love it and doing it with a deep, complex and sensitive little soul makes it even sweeter. I even have another long post about adoption saved but I think this time, its about her.

She makes me slightly giddy. When I look at her I am amazed. She is a miniture, tiny woman-in-waiting. She's a little bud of a flower. She's so feminine and I see the hand prints of her Creator all over her.

She holds her own in the midst of constant wrestling and vigorous hugging. She loves her brother and is fearless in the face of all that testosterone.

She is froth and light. She is joy. With a constant smile on her face and a puff-puff as she she sticks her bottom lip waaay out as she crawls. She giggles and shrieks. Oh the shrieks! She is the loudest baby I have ever heard. Ever. Her cries wake the children sleeping 6 doors down. She goes from sounding as if her world is ending to a soft little giggle in one second flat.

I adore her. I love to hold her and curl my fingers around her little arm. Her arms are so little but still carry the required baby rolls and yes, her hands still look like they have been screwed onto her arms. Her top knot is the look of choice. Her hair is so long she can't wear it down and when it is, she grunts in irritation and tries to swipe her fringe away.

She is my girl. She is made like me and I get her. I love how she crawls up and onto me and smooshes her face onto mine. I love her, every single thing about her.

She is all girl, she's Blossom.

Wordless Wednesday- A normal wednesday

2011-03-23T18:58:00.000+13:00

In Defense of the Boy

2011-03-22T13:57:00.000+13:00

I came across a definition of a boy a while ago that I just loved:

Boy (noun) "noise with dirt on it"

Lately I have been thinking about that definition again, partucularly as I have had a couple of unpleasant experiences. Ones where Rupi has been growled by someone (an adult) for being..well, a boy. He wasn't bashing or hitting or intentionally scaring anyone, he was just being a boy.

Rupi is ALL boy. He wrestles, jumps, runs, shouts and tears his way through each day. He has an abundance of testosterone and energy. Just the way he should have. He is made that way and nothing we do can slow him down. And I don't want to. I don't see our role as confining and restraining, rather guiding and encouraging. We actively discipline him and are teaching gentleness but Rupi's expression of love is physical. And he's learning how to be tender and gentle. He's only two years old after all.

I just wish for understanding. In this feminised world, we need strong male leaders. Men who are not afraid and haven't been forced to change their male-ness for something less. Those men start out little boys who wrestle and hurl themselves off jungle gyms.

And I watch him all the time when we are out. Ask my family, I do not relax for one second. If Rupi hurts someone I am there in an instant getting him to see how it was wrong and apologise. I think it's a family joke how uptight I am when we are out!! So when Rupi is just playing and gets growled, or my nephew gets growled for the same thing, it's not right. They are boys and only playing. Loudly and boisterously, I agree, but they are not hitting and bashing, just playing.

I am sure I am not the only mother with a loud, energetic little boy- what do you do when you are out? How do you watch your boy? And what do you do when someone growls them for just playing?