Giants

Adore Amy's post about creating space and God levelling mountains. Both going on here and now in my little pocket of the world.

God is levelling mountains for me that are quite frankly, overwhelming and huge.

Mountain :: find a nanny.

No-one I know has ever had a nanny. I had no idea what to do, how to find one and how to choose. My children are just a little bit precious to me and I needed the right person. Also needed the nanny in place by the end of the month. This equals a mountain. God sorted it. I just cried out for help and He showed me. Step by step it happened and a lovely, gentle, musical Christian girl starts at the end of July. And she's getting more than she asked for and I am paying less than I thought.

Mountain :: prepare a profile for my company (for my big meeting tomorrow)

I had to adapt the existing one that had been done. I am very unfamiliar with the program I had to use to adjust it. A massive mountain. And yes, God sorted it. Took me step by step giving me the confidence to go a bit further and then further. Suddenly it was done and I went to the printer this morning. The profiles look gorgeous!

I really needed to hear Amy's words as this is my life. I have always walked a path with no sign posts. I honestly don't know of another christian woman in my world who is attempting to run a small business and raise very small kiddies. I look ahead and all I see is mountains. Thank goodness I have a mountain leveller ahead of me! Someone who loves me and promises that He will make a way. And then promises secret treasure. Treasure to create safe places for orphans with. And bring hope to the unloved and unwanted.

This is what the Lord says: "I will go before you Cyrus (means "of the sun"), and level the mountains. I will smash down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness- secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the One who calls you by name." Isaiah 45: 1-2

Thank you God.

Giving up?

Every now and then something someone writes about infertility grabs me by the throat. I can't help it.

I was eating my lunch and reading though everybody's latest posts and one just stood out. I struggled to finish my lunch as it has gripped me. Gripped me with a question and a thought. I have to follow this train of thought!

I am not going to link to this girl. If you know me and who I follow it will be easy to find this post but somehow I am not going to do it. Maybe because the post was so raw. This girl I love. We have never met and most likely never will but I love her. I love her vitality, openness and transparency. And I love how she seeks after Him.

This is cry from the heart about having a baby, a second child.

I believe I have given up. I really cant remember the last time i prayed for the LORD to give us another child. Its not that I don't think he can do it, its just that.....well, I don't think I believe anymore that this is his will for our lives. A friend challenged me ( and I do believe she meant well) to think about how I have lost faith in Gods ability to do this. Well...is that wrong? Is it wrong for me to just say, "you know what LORD I am just going to accept that this is your will for me to not have any more babies". I don't know what to think anymore...I am not sure what my perspective should be. I just don't want to loose faith in this God who is able to do all things.... I am praying that I can have faith just as Mary did when she was told she would give birth to the Savior of the world.....

So has she "lost faith"? Did I "lose faith" when I struggled to believe?

The pastors at our church were incredibly gentle with us during our struggle with infertility. I thank God for them, they are amazing. One pastor said to me once to remember that "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and to be kind to myself. This man is a leader in our nation and his words were like a balm to my soul. We fought for our hearts not to be sick. Continually holding on and believing and then facing monthly evidence of hope deferred is so very hard.

So we need to be kind to ourselves during a long and protracted struggle. Allow ourselves the space and time to be sad/ angry/ tired/ frustrated. And allow God the time and space to heal and uplift us.

I think God gifts you with the strength to lay a dream down. Especially a dream or desire that you have held onto for a long time. Another pastor at church said that we should submit our desire to have a child and maybe it wasn't in God's plan for us to have children.

But something in me NEVER could. I could never accept that we were not going to have a child. There was something in me that would not lay down and so I continued to have faith. At times it was so weak and small it wondered if it had survived. But with any whiff of hope it fanned into a little flame and there it was. It never ever went away.

Conversely we did lay the dream to have another child down. This was a God given gift to me. When Rupi was about 8 weeks old I packed his first baby clothes away. I wept as I realised that I may never use those clothes again. I cried out to God that I wanted another baby. But as I held my little boy the pain was soothed. I felt peace.

When we did this last cycle of treatment we knew it was the last one. And we had peace about it. When we got the call that it had failed I fell on my knees and rocked with old familiar pain. My hubbie then placed Rupi in my arms and I held him as I cried. This time the pain was fleeting. My dream was realised. I was a mother and God had come through. I could lay the dream down.

Yes we are pregnant and expecting another child. This one is the bonus blessing. We were remarkably casual during the process of using the frozen embies because our dream had been realised. I am so so grateful to have another child but I am already a mother. This pregnancy is not our answer or breakthrough, it's the cherry on the top. The evidence of God's abundance.

I am not saying that one child should be enough. I used to think that when I was infertile and wonder about people longing for another child. But how many is up to God and the couple. All I am saying is that it's ok to lay a dream down. Sometimes it's ok to lay a dream down for a season and allow God to carry it.

In my opinion, my friend does not lack faith. This may be the call to submit her dream and move on; it may be a time for God to carry it or it may be the time to press into Him for more strength and faith to carry on believing.

Whatever she does, she is a woman of faith walking through a hard and difficult season. And I love her.

Kyros time

We have just returned from an incredible conference. It was a gathering of the pastors and senior leaders of our movement. We were invited as we are Kingdom Builders (people who believe a primary purpose of their lives is to resource the kingdom and it's extension). It's such a honour to be there.

Last year at the conference we were smashed emotionally. Utterly devastated. We had just had our first adoption attempt fail which had followed the third and final IVF cycle. We had nowhere to go and no hope at all.

On the last day I found myself in conversation with the leader of our movement, a man who is one of my heroes. He was so encouraging and just comforted us. (He also told me to create a platform for my story- hence the blog!!!)

Later he asked if we would like prayer from everybody. We leapt at the opportunity and this gathering of incredible spiritual giants prayed for us. Prayed for a baby.

It was "impossible" and our year just got darker when my Da (my father-in-law died at the end of June) But the darkest hour is always just before the dawn. Little did we know that when that group of pastors and leaders prayed for us, our son was already conceived.

The miracle was on it's way.

I was desperate to be there this year. Now I know why. It was the completion and sealing of something in me. How is it possible that 12 months after we were utterly devastated and childless with no hope of breakthrough, I walk into the same place with a 5 month old son?

In our natural Chronos sequential time it makes no sense. It just does not add up. It cannot add up.

But God is outside our timing. He sees the beginning from the end and operates in Kyros time. I never ever thought in my wildest dreams last April that I would walk the same hotel and grounds, talk to the same people..... with a 5 month old child.

Our Winter has ended and Spring is here. I rejoiced as I spent time with these people. Each moment was a revelation of His goodness to me. And it was so humbling to see the joy on other's faces as they saw the miracle child. This is a victory for the church, not just for us.


God came through. I am not forsaken.


Let me add.

If He did it for me, He will and can and longs to do it for you.

I am not very special. I am an ordinary girl who struggles to live for her God. Who has great bouts of doing quiet times and droughts where sometimes quiet times don't happen. I did not DO anything to receive this miracle. I am not more holy than you.


If He did it for me, He will do it for you. I pray that you are encouraged. This is more than I dreamed or dared to hope for.

He will do it for you too.

Our God day

Today was another of those days. A day that held more emotion than I thought was possible.

Today Rupi was dedicated. We stood before our church family as new parents and promised to bring Rupi up to know Him. I really didn't want to do this as baby dedications have only meant pain to me in the past but my hubbie wanted to. His train of thought is that our victory is a victory for the church family (which of course it is) and would encourage those waiting for their miracle.

So we said yes and and invited family to come and be with us. As we stood in worship an entire train of emotion hit me and I just cried. I didn't think it would this big for me. But I was standing with my baby waiting to dedicate him. Me. So called "severely infertile" girl.

We had friends and family clustered around us (our unsaved family came!) and Rupi got awesome prophesy about stuff I have been praying over him. He was so good and was such a cutie!

We asked one the pastors that we love to dedicate Rupi. This pastor is an adoptive Dad and so he gets it. What I love about the way he did the dedication is he didn't go into our journey or how we came to be parents. Because today was not about Rupi being adopted or the adoption story but simply about us as parents and Rupi as our son.

I wept the WHOLE way through. In front of 600 people. Don't care. I was overcome at God's faithfulness and goodness to us.

Finally.

Finally we stood in the place that represented such pain to us and it was redeemed.

Thank you Jesus.

God decides

Been struggling with fear lately- my old nemesis. That old grab-me-by-the-throat, wake-up-at-4am-with-heart-pounding fear. Funny but lots of people at church have "suddenly" been struggling with fear. An attack it seems... dumb enemy.


I am worried about finances and the upcoming treatment cycle. Really... worried about everything! Well, not worried about Rupi and the hubbie and the family and my friends so not actually everything. Just feels like everything at times. The overwhelming feeling of fear- in other words, a spiritual attack.


So anyway, God showed me a passage from Joshua that has really been a cornerstone of my life experience over the last 6 years. This is the set of verses he gave me before we started walking through infertility and it seems they are as relevant today as they were then.

No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you.
6 “Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. 8 Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. 9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1: 5-9

This is pretty strong and does not mince words. God is commanding me to be strong and brave. He promises me that he won't abandon me and promises that nothing (ie dumb tricks of the dumb enemy) will be able to succeed against me.



Note to self: God does not promise me that things won't come against me, just that they will not stand or succeed. Hmm...



There's also a vital clue as to how we manage those times when we need to be strong and brave. Meditate on the word- get into the bible- study it, absorb it and get it into my head/ heart/ soul. So for me right now, my quiet times are not good to have, they are essential. I have started getting up at 6am and having a time with God before the boy wakes up at 7am and it's great. I love it.



In the middle of one of my (daily/ hourly) worry sessions I was worrying over the IVF cycle. My hubbie has said that this is the last one. He can't commit our family to more emotional, financial and physical (my body does not take well to the IVF drugs) outlay. I agree with him and support his decision. But I could not stop thinking "this is the last one'..."this is the last chance". The last chance to be pregnant. And suddenly God spoke into my heart "I decide". It was like clarity returned and I could breathe.

God decides if it's my last chance. He decides how many children we have.

He decides.

It brought such peace to me. He decides. So I don't have to worry. He spoke a similar word to me during the heinousness (new Sammy word) and powerlessness of the adoption process. He said "They don't choose you, I choose them" In other words I decide. I decide where Rupi begins.

God decides. He alone. And I find myself at peace knowing that.

The Bravest of the Brave

I have been really captured by a train of thought/ revelation on a couple of blogs in the last week. The train of thought has many levels and aspects and I count myself privileged that I have been able to follow along, be challenged and hear God speak.


(If you are interested the train of thought is found here. Read Meridith's post and then AllYouWhoHope's post and then follow the comment "conversation" below AYWH's post. Be warned it's deep and reflects the hearts and thoughts of long term Infertiles. I just wept and wept and had to go back again and again to absorb it)

I am in awe of these girls and am so challenged/ inspired by their hearts at the moment. These are women who are seeking to learn to live child free after infertility. These women are God-lovers, girls who seek Him and love Him and trust Him and are trying to come to grips with letting go.

I was never able to contemplate living child free. The closest I ever got was to say to God: "It's not ok God (to be child free) but it is ok (Your will be done). There was a part of me that cried out at the very thought of being without a child. I can't imagine that these girls are any different and yet here they are, laying this dream down on the alter and surrendering.

I ask myself "how do they do it?" But then perhaps that's a stupid question and one I personally hated to hear. Because here you are. In the trial. You can't move away from it, or to be honest we all would. You have to come to terms with where you are, submit and seek God where you are. People constantly said to me "oh you are so strong, I don;t know how you do it". Well, there I was and I could lie down and despair and refuse to get up... but I would still be there. Or I could look for God, look for my Jesus and be strengthened and refreshed and comforted by Him. So no choice really.

Still, it's the laying down of the dream with no expectation of God breaking through that humbles me. It's more than the laying down of the dream that I did, where you lift God up above the dream and surrender to His will. Knowing that you still desperately want this dream but trusting that he will give you the strength to survive if He doesn't. This is the total surrender of a dream and the end to even wanting the dream. And even though I may not be explaining myself well, it's different to where I ever got to.

Meridith uses the garden of Gethsemene as an example of once again how Jesus gets us and the situation they find themselves in. Her blog explains it better than I could ever so I won't even try. One of the comments at the bottom of AYWH's post has a link to a (catholic) newsletter that had an article on suffering and acceptance of it. This section explains how Jesus went through agony before acceptance and that's where these girls are.

The Moment of Grace
About a month before Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was murdered for his moral bravery, he recounted one of the many threatening phone calls he received. He said the phone rang and a person said, “If you come here we’re going to kill you.” And he said, in telling the story, that he had heard those life-threatening calls many times before, “but that night, for whatever reason, it shook me to my roots. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I brewed some coffee. I drank the whole pot.” He said: “I began to cry at the kitchen table, and I lost all my courage.” He said: “I put my head in my hands and I thought, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to die.”
And he said: “At that moment I felt this strength in me that I had never felt before. I knew what to do, what I needed to do.” You see the Agony in the Garden, and it’s only after the agony that the angel can come. See, then Jesus got up. Then he was the athlete who was ready. Then he could walk to his passion.
When Jesus left the Last Supper room, he couldn’t do it. That was the great transition. Only after he had broken down, had sweated the blood, had told his Father many times, “I don’t want to do this,” he finally broke down and accepted it. How many of us, in our own way, experience that frustration, that same sense of abandonment? Yet, at the moment of acceptance, God’s liberating grace flows. As Luke says of Jesus in the Garden, the angel comes. That’s a deep theology of grace.
Fr. Ronald Rolheiser is a Missionary Oblate of Mary Immaculate and president of the Oblate School of Theology in San Antonio, Texas. http://www.americancatholic.org/Newsletters/CU/ac0208.asp

I wish I could lift the burden off them but that would mean that The work God is doing in them would be compromised. And He has promised beauty for ashes.

So all I am is inspired...and challenged. And that is a good thing!

Egg donor IVF counselling

Just got back from one of the mandatory counselling sessions at my fertility clinic. With egg donation IVF cycles counselling is mandatory in the 3 month stand down period. The stand down period is so that the donor can have time to reconsider their decision.

Again, how do people do this without God? The questions we talked about were huge and so much bigger than when it was just my hubbie and I doing an IVF cycle. Because even though we don't have to consider the donor after the eggs are collected, of course we will.

Questions like:

• What if the baby had a terminal condition that threatened my life during pregnancy? We are so pro-life it's not funny, but now we have Rupi to consider. The decision we would normally make would possibly rob Rupi of a Mommy. So huge.
• What if the pregnancy went so badly that doctors said I could not have another pregnancy without putting myself and the baby at risk? What about any frozen embryos that remained?

In normal IVF cycles the above questions are not even discussed! Funny. But here we are facing massive issues and questions. Plus the thought of another IVF cycle sends my nerves into the stratosphere. Let's say that I do not have fond memories of the 3 cycles that have gone before...

Plus I am more than aware of the opinions may Christians hold about egg donation. I shouldn't care as we have prayed and fasted and know God's will for us in this, but I guess I worry about judgement with the kiddies. I just need to calm down and find my Jesus. Another quiet time is in order I think!

Breathe breathe....

So anyway, we wait for one of us to get our period and then we align our cycles with the pill (rather ironic huh?!?) So sometime in Feb it all kicks off. Then it should be 8 weeks after that to a pregnancy test. Breathe breathe...!

***To all those in my actual physical life, Equippers buddies and friends***

Please please please don't talk specifics with people unless you know they read my blog or are very close to me. If in doubt please don't talk about it. I just need the space to get through the (please God) first trimester as this is the time I miscarried before. Then I will bring out the balloons, whistles and streamers and throw a party! I really want to share about this on my blog but also need the anonymity in my physical life. Hope I am expressing myself ok. Love you xxx

So yes. Here we are. Another IVF cycle looming. Fun fun fun.

My Saving Grace

I love how much I have discovered about the character of Jesus in the last 6 years, through this journey. He is my source of joy when I think about the pain and misery we have gone through. I love ( and am SOOO grateful) that He saved me but what honestly captures my heart again and again is the man in Jesus.

****theology alert, am trying to express something hard here, so grace and understanding required....!!!*****

He was 100% man and 100% God and the man side of Him was in complete submission to God the Father. That is pretty incredible to me. The (100%) God part of Him knew everything about everything (He's God right?) So the (100%) man part of him must have known what was before Him from the (100%) God side. Jesus knew about the cross and the pain and misery that was to come and still submitted.

That's quite different from me. I mean, you kinda know that what is before you might be hard but you are not sure. I mean, it could all turn out better than you hope and be a walk in the park. But Jesus knew how bad it was going to be. It was not going to be less painful or humiliating than He thought.... AND HE STILL SUBMITTED.

The (100%- Can I stop putting in 100%? I think I have made my point) man part of Jesus, the emotional side freaked out. John 12: 27 uses words in the Message and New Living translation like "storm tossed" and "deeply troubled". In other words freaked out. And He still submitted. Blows my mind. If I had known what this journey was like 6 years ago, I would have run for the hills and (being honest) probably tossed in the towel. Because it was a killer and I know it's not over yet.

I am not God, to everyone's relief- except of course my friends because they would be SO blessed, and I can't see what lies ahead. That enables me to live in the moment and not worry too much about the future. But Jesus, knew what was ahead. He knew that in the short term it was not going to be ok. Yes He knew He would rise up and He knew that He would be with His Father, but He also knew that before that there would be mocking, scorn, rejection and a whole lot of unimaginable pain. Except of course He could imagine it.

He knew.

So when Jesus says that He gets us I know that He does. He knows what it's like to live with pain (emotional or physical) and with seemingly unanswered prayers. He was the ultimate "even if" Hero. Despite the fact that God could save Him from the cross in a heart beat and yet did not, Jesus loved and worshipped and submitted. And He did this all for me and for you, we are the "joy set before Him".

During the bleakest times of our walk, this was the only thing that kept me going. We have a God, a precious Saviour who can relate to us in every way. Jesus knows. He knows what it's like to be me.

Rupi's room

My hubbie worked for our fantastic church for about 5 years and wore many hats (as you do when you work for church!) One of his projects was to create a Parents Room upstairs behind the balcony in the theatre. This was so very hard to do and the room was soaked with his tears as he created a warm and beautiful environment for Mums, Dads and babies.

As he painted the walls he made a faith statement. At that time we were so far from our dream and life hurt all the time. So he decided to write the names of our children in the room believing that one day I would sit in that room with them. He wrote their names on the undercoat of the wall in huge letters. He also wrote their names on a little panel that hides a gap in the wall. The names on the wall were obviously painted over but the names behind the little panel are still there.

Today I sat in that room with Rupi. The sermon was so poignant and was on Faith. I had tears in my eyes as I sat with Rupi knowing that the room was prepared in love for him. That almost more than any other child at church, he belongs in that room. And I thought, who am I not to believe for the others? Who am I to believe that this IVF cycle will be like all the others? The faith I have has been birthed from the place of tears and sorrow and today I celebrated in my heart as I looked at the first fruits of that faith.

Who am I not to believe?

Fresh faced hope

My beautiful egg donor is sick, poor girl. So we'll be delaying the start of the cycle until Feb. It will give her some time to build herself up and I will be buying her vitamins galore and stuffing her with fresh fruit smoothies!

It also gives me time to chill out and relax about it all as the start of IVF cycles are always a nervous time for me. Ratty girl emerges and I know I am taking strain!

Plus this is also the season of fresh faced hope for us. We face 2009 with more hope than we have had in years. A possible pregnancy, the growth of a little home based business for me and the chance to love and watch a little person grow up.

Fresh faced hope is new and untarnished and untainted. It lives at the beginning of something. It's hope that sort of knows there may be challenges ahead but lives in the excitement and joy of a favourable outcome. There's also the hope that lives in the middle of the something big. That hope digs it's heels in and weathers the storm. It's a bit battered but still has an optimism about it. Then there's the hope when the something big has not worked out the way we thought it would. That hope is battered, bloody and bowed but not beaten. It's the "even if" hope.

To be honest we have not had a visit from fresh faced hope for a couple of years. It doesn't have a track record of hanging around us long as things have turned to custard for us historically. I long with everything I have that fresh faced hope is here to stay. That this is our season of undiluted favour in all areas.

But I need my heart to acknowledge that the Hope needs to be the hope that I count on. And even if this is not my season of fresh faced hope and favour in the way that I long for, I will be ok. God is God and He is good. My soul needs to re understand His Sovereignty. I have come too far to forget the lessons I have learned in this journey.

I think I need to spend some time with my Jesus and submit to His will. Be unconditional in my love and submission. But oh, wouldn't it be nice for it to be easy for once? And yet, God is good and that my heart knows very well.

The Sister-hood of Suffering

I got a parcel yesterday from on old friend. Someone who has been through the mill over the last few years. I mean, hard hard times. Such hard times that she has retreated and hidden for a while (and that's totally ok). She read this blog and said that it gave her a bit of hope that there may be light for her at the end of her tunnel, because God came through for me. I wept as I read it and said to my hubby that opening up and exposing my life has been worth it, if only for that one person. It's all about the One.

And for the first time, I was grateful for the suffering. Our breakthrough has been healing and wonderful and I am so incredibly thankful, but I just could not be grateful for the journey. The journey (which is not over, we have the first breakthrough, not the last) has been so hard it still takes my breath away. It almost crushed us but because of His Grace, didn't. But at times I can tell you it was pretty darn close. But knowing that my suffering enabled someone else to relate, was enough to make me grateful. There is something about suffering that humbles you and opens your eyes. You get it. You are able to understand someones else pain and frustration and suffering and hopefully point them to Jesus.

Suffering transcends boundaries. Another friend said yesterday that she was encouraged at my baby shower. She had renewed hope that if God could come through for me then he could come through for her with a husband and a Godly marriage. So I get to the place where I am grateful. If my pain and suffering can show someone else that God is faithful and true, thank you God.

The one encouragement I wanted to leave you with, my sisters who are suffering, is to give yourself a break. Suffering is incredibly wearying. I am living with a renewed energy and passion and I realise how much suffering wearied both my hubby and myself. Hang on to God and keep going to church and keep "plugged in" but be kind to you. I can promise you that you will be back. The way you are now is not the way you will stay. The weariness will pass with breakthrough but until then be kind to yourself.

The absence of pain

It's been two weeks and 6 days since we brought our boy home. I am so grateful I could cry and frequently do (!) I marvel at the fact that I have a son and I (yes me- the "severely infertile" girl) is finally a Mommy.

My baby shower was everything I ever dreamed of and I got to thank all those people who have loved me, encouraged me and stood by me. It was completely overwhelming too and in a way I am glad it's over. It was such a huge milestone for me that to finally reach it was almost too much. It was not one of those light and fluffy baby showers but it was perfect. My hubbie made a DVD for me as a surprise with photos of the two of us of our years together and then photos of the 3 of us. There was sobbing... I am so blessed to have that man as my husband. Everyone really enjoyed celebrating with me and I loved it but now I want to move on.

The biggest change for me is the absence of pain. Pain was my constant companion over the last 6 years. Emotional pain and at times physical pain. I don't think I realised how much the pain affected me. I trusted God and opened my heart to Him and loved Him and trusted Him some more, but still life was incredibly painful. Almost every moment was filled with a reminder of what we did not have. I don't think I am alone in feeling this way. I didn't not trust enough or hold onto my dream too hard, the pain just was.
To be free of the pain makes me light headed. It's a bit like when you have a really bad headache and then after taking pain killers you realise the pain is suddenly gone. That feeling is almost euphoric- the absence of pain.

My friends have said that I even sound different and honestly when I look at photos pre and post our baby, I can see the freedom on my face. I now even laugh differently...! I never want to forget and somehow I don't think I will. I will always be mindful of those like me. In fact, I may have a son but I still want breakthrough in this body of mine, so I may not be done with pain yet.
I want to laugh, like Sarah, and sing like the barren woman, with a cluster of children at her knee.

The Bigger Picture

Been reading (I am a crazy avid reader who will read the back of a cereal box if I have nothing else to read..) "The Horse and His Boy" by C.S. Lewis. I am aware that it's a childrens book, but I was desperate!

Aslan the lion (oh hello Jesus!) keeps appearing and a lot of the time scares the pants off the characters. From their perspective He never seems to help them when they really need Him but just terrifies them. As the reader you can see the bigger picture. That Aslan is directing and moving and encouraging them. But the characters can't see it and feel abandoned and confused for a lot of the story.

Hmmm... sounds like someone I know. I am scared and confused and feel abandoned. But what am I missing about the bigger picture? I know there's one out there! And when we see it the misery that we endured for a night will fade to a bearable memory when we look back on it. My Aslan is directing and controlling this situation.

I feel like Shasta riding to get help through fog on a narrow trail. And there's someone or something running beside me but I can't see who it is because of the fog. I am scared but I have to trust that it's Jesus. I am not abandoned. Aslan is here, my Lion of Judah, my hero.

Breathe!

Friday was D-day and I woke up almost hyperventilating. I have a weird habit of not breathing properly when under stress or excitement or I am concentrating...

Anyhooo...went off to work where I was like a cat on a hot tin roof waiting for updates. Then, I got a text that the hospital was full and the inducing (inducement??) would be next week...

Ok, can do that. Was sort of relieved and a bit frustrated and had another million or so other feelings all vying for head space.

So we have the weekend to chill and relax. I know God's in control and His plans are perfect. And this is what He's ordained. So in the mean time my tidying frenzy continues around the house. Every single cupboard bar one is tidied! I need to remember to breathe...



God is so good and this little baby is providing such healing for our family. My beautiful mother-in-law is still so raw after my Da's death. Even today she took one look at us when we walked into her house and started sobbing. She cried for about 10 minutes and my heart just broke.

She has kept the bassinet that my darling slept in and has done it up. It's just gorgeous. It hasn't been used since we announced that we wanted a child as it was so important to my hubbie that our baby was first in it. Here it is:




Note donkey trialing the bassinet and the cat trying to pretend she is isn't interested in what's happening.



So we hope that this baby will help heal my mother-in-law and give the family a new focus. Not to replace what we've lost but to add to and help to heal us all. And in the meantime I am practising to breathe and waiting...

Saved through the fire

Been thinking lots about my friends Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego as they faced King Nebuchadnezzar (and his hot hot hot furnace) for not bowing down and worshipping him (Daniel 3) The furnace is a picture of the trials we face in life and I find myself thinking about this story again and again...
I read someone talk about how God saves us from the fire, or in the fire or through the fire and He has been talking to me a lot about it.

God can save us from the fire before we walk through a crisis. We make our stand, our even -if stand and are facing the furnace. We feel the heat on our faces but before we are thrown in, God rescues us. This is the type of salvation/rescue I pray for again and again and I suspect you do too. We put our hope and expectations in God coming through for us before we are thrown in the furnace. We pray to fall pregnant before treatment begins. We pray that we don't need treatment at all. I prayed that my Da would be healed before his chemo began. It crushes us when God doesn't come through because we see only one type of salvation, salvation from the fire.

But God can save us in the fire. We are thrown into the furnace and the trial happens to us despite (it seems) our prayers. The very thing that we have prayed for rescue from, happens. We are in the middle of the heat and testing and God saves us. We fall pregnant though IVF or chlomophene or healing happens through surgery for cancer... We experience the suffering, we taste the pain and God rescues us. We pray so hard for this and assure God that saving us now would bring Him so much glory! And if he doesn't we are devastated. We (me) fail to see that there is one more way God saves us.

God can save us though the fire. This is the hard one but the most amazing situation. Even though we walk into the furnace, stay in the furnace and walk through the other side with (seemingly) no sign of God or any kind of rescue attempt, there is still salvation. This is passing through the fire of our final and failed IVF attempt and then falling pregnant or adopting. This is losing my Da and discovering that he accepted Jesus and was in heaven.
This final salvation involves the full and complete pain of the fire and the then whole and complete redemption. This is a full work. God crafts us in the fire (remember He is the fourth man in the fire!), does a complete work and allows us to walk out ''unsaved". Then He restores and completes us.
This third type of rescue/ salvation is so hard as it seems as if the promises are a lie and our faith is empty. We believe and hold on and trust, and them walk into the fire, face the whole extent of the fire without breakthrough or release and walk out "empty handed". But I have learnt that we walk out into redemption, into grace and into newness. God restores. I think that there is a special grace for those saved through the furnace. Why? You only have to look at the life of Jesus.
He wasn't saved from the furnace (the prayers of the garden of Gethsemene) or in the furnace (no angel came and lifted Him off the cross). He was saved through the furnace. He walked all the wall through. It seemed as if He was utterly abandoned (know the feeling?) and walked out empty handed- all the promises and revelation a lie. But redemption and restoration waited. And elevation above all things.

So for those of us who wait on the other side of the furnace, possibly facing another round in the heat, there is redemption and restoration. As God honoured, restored and lifted up Jesus, I believe that those of us who endure and endure with faith (no matter how small it may be) will be restored and lifted up. I believe that God will come through with more than we could ever hope or dream of. I believe that we will look back on the things we hoped for and they will be a shadow of the things we have.
So I need to stand firm. I believe that my God, the God of abundance and promise (refined like silver seven times over) will come through. And we will have more than we ever hoped or dreamed of....amen!

Living with no skin

It's been ages since I posted! Mostly because I have been struggling for equilibrium. It's been so frustrating as I find that this journey is like a yo-yo. I go from being pain free and dancing among the daisies to a place where it hurts to breathe. And seemingly in the blink of an eye.

We have had a rough couple of weeks and last Sunday was the worst. We went to the opening of my Fertility Clinic, which I designed (a long amazing story for another time)- Lord Robert Winston was there who did Child of our Time series on TV. As we were the only part of the project team invited, we went. It was awful- they had invited lots of IVF babies who romped around the room. Their IVF success only highlighted our IVF failure. We had no idea all the children and happy Mommy's would be there..... we went home, got into our PJs, into bed and wept in each others arms.

Hence my extreme frustration! I thought having emotional breakthrough would mean that I live pain free! That this would never bother me again and I would be able to live a life as if this wait and journey to Motherhood didn't bother me at all. I long to please Him and "do this journey well"!

God very gently started challenging some of my expectations and understanding of Him this week and although it hasn't made it less painful, it's really helped me free myself from my own expectations. I love how gentle He is with this mad A-type personality of mine, as I just need to think He's rebuked me and I say "hold on God, I'll whip my back for you and double my own load in repentance...!" Like he's ever like that..!

Here's my thinking;
"Is God as pleased with me when I am not "doing well" as when I am? And should I even call my times of heartache and pain "not doing well?"
In my head doing well is being able to live this time in trust and acceptance and joy. Not doing well is living in pain, frustration and tears and not being able to be around babies and pregnancy without pain. The question is, is doing well and not doing well as description from God or from me?

So what about pleasing God? Do I please Him only when I live up to my expectations? It seems that that would be works based and not grace based. The only way I can not please God is by sinning. So am I sinning when I an "not doing well"? I am in pain but I still trust Him and accept this journey... and being in pain is not sinning. So I have to say that I am not sinning.
So maybe I please God in times of good and times of pain. When my heart breaks is God still near? Do I still love and trust Him? Yes- it just hurts a lot!

So at the moment we are in pain. Life really hurts. It feels like we have no skin on and every touch and encounter with a baby related situation hurts. Are we pleasing God? Well, I am still here seeking Him, my heart is not bitter and I am trying to stay open and trusting.... so I have to say that I am pleasing Him.

Maybe there is no "doing well" and "not doing well". Maybe there is just living life with it's ups and downs. Maybe I please Him just because I am. Because He loves me, didn't have one of me and so created one of me.

My revelation this week is that I please Him in times of good and in times of heartache. And it's ok to hurt because we are people with hearts and emotion. We long for the desires of our hearts, which are good God given desires. And I know that this little season will pass and there will be a pain free season to follow- and that's ok.

The Threshing Floor

I was reading one of my favourite blogs and I saw a post that touched my heart so deeply that tears started rolling down my face, at 8.30am on a Saturday morning...! Not sad tears just "overwhelmed and touched by God" tears. It was all about the threshing floor...

Threshing floors are open flat areas, like barns without walls, that are used to process the grain that is brought in from the fields. The grain is tossed into the air and the lighter chaff which is useless is blown away. The heavier grain separates and falls to the floor, then is gathered for grinding. Threshing floors are usually on high ground where the wind is stronger as the wind assists in the winnowing and separating of grain from chaff.

The threshing floor is a simile for a place of testing or trials from God and was a very important place throughout history. Incredible God encounters happened for people like Joseph's brothers (Genesis 50:10) and Ruth/ Boaz (Ruth) on threshing floors. But the encounter that captured my attention was between David and God in 1 Chronicles 21.

David found Himself on the threshing floor owned by Araunah. He was there because He had sinned and God told him to go to the threshing floor. Now we are not where we are because of sin- infertility is NOT a punishment but the thing to note is that David went to the threshing floor willingly. I am sure you are the same as us with hearts that long to be used by God. We have surrendered ourselves and our hearts willingly and so by following Him in obedience we have found ourselves here, on the threshing floor of our lives.
I think its also important that threshing floors are high up. God is found in high places and that fact that the threshing floors are high means that we have had to walk up to them. We make a choice to seek Him.

David was in pain. In fact his heart was breaking. But he did an incredible thing. He built an alter to God on the threshing floor, at the place of his testing and in the middle of his pain. David had bought the threshing floor from Araunah for full price because he would not build an alter to God that had not cost him something. And we know what it costs to build an alter to God in the middle of our threshing floor- the trial and struggle of infertility. Sometimes it costs almost more than I have to lift up my hands and worship Him. The struggle to surrender when I know that He could rescue me and for the moment chooses not to, is intense. But I know that I need to.
Building an alter during times of suffering is of incredible beauty. Suffering and surrender are the most bittersweet partners. Together they give us access to the heart of God. We gain a picture of God that we couldn't otherwise. When we worship from this place we do it from a new depth that is created by our surrender.

But it was the next part of this blog that touched my heart so deeply. I felt redemption and hope. In Chronicles 3: 1, Solomon built the temple of God on the threshing floor of Aruanah. The very place that David had built his alter and was the place of his testing and ordeal would now be the site for the most amazing building to ever be built. The building that represented God, the one that He designed to reflect His Glory and His beauty.

For me this was confirmation and promise. On the threshing floor of infertility God promises to build a temple. A temple so beautiful that people will marvel at what He has done.
Our shabby little threshing floor with it's bloodstained and tear soaked alter where we have laid down our dreams again and again as burnt offerings, will be redeemed. Will be restored and made into something beautiful. I am redeemed.

Jesus knows

I love catching glimpses of the humanity of Jesus as I read about His life. As He was 100% God He was 100% human and He truly knows what it's like to be me.

This of such comfort after I miscarried on Christmas Day 2005. I was reading the account of the crucifixion and I saw that Jesus cried out to God in the middle of His suffering.
At about three o'clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Matthew 27: 46

Even Jesus, the amazing and incredible Jesus, cried out as he suffered. He cried out to His father and asked "Why?" I love Jesus for that, for being human, for knowing what it's like to feel abandoned. For knowing with His head that God the Father is Sovereign and in control but crying out from the heart "Why? Why am I suffering? Why is this pain so bad?".

How incredible it is to have a Saviour who understands what it's like to walk the road of humanity. To understand that we long to serve God well, yet have human hearts that experience pain and falter at inopportune times! Jesus knows, Jesus understands truly what it's like to be me....thank you Jesus xxx

Carrying Hope

I have often heard a simple story line from well meaning people, about someone they knew who reached the end of the road with infertility, gave up (sometimes they went away on holiday) and BOOM! they fell pregnant. The implication is that I just have to give up hoping and it will happen. By the way statistics show that the chances of this happening are very low.
So in November last year after our third failed IVF attempt and after the news that IVF was no longer an option, I decided that I couldn't carry hope any more. I was no longer going to hope each month. Initially it was great and I lived in the greyness of hopelessness for a while. It was safe and grey and calm. But hope started to sneak up on me and I found that I coudn't avoid it. It was back and lurked around corners, in the periphery of my vision. I realised that hope was part of who I believed in. Jesus is Hope. To give up on hope is to give up on the Hope. Hope leads to faith and without faith we have nothing. So what was I to do? Carrying hope without a result for a long time is extremely tiring and wears you down. Also this journey is different. You carry hope each and every month. It's not like hoping for something with a single outcome, like hoping for a job. It's a hope that is raised and dies every single month, 12 times a year. This has been described as an unresolved grief- you never get to move on and heal.
So I discovered two things about hope: the first is that it's easier to carry hope when I manage my expectations. So I do hope each month but also try not to expect God to come through this time in this way. I know He will (by faith) and if it's not this time, then maybe the next or the the next. The second thing is that when we can't carry hope, God will carry and build it in us. I wasn't carrying any kind of hope last November. I felt incapable of hoping after my hopes had been utterly smashed. But I found that God helped me and a little germ of hope started to grow. I believe that God is tremedously merciful to us in this journey and realises that there are times when we are incapable of hoping or praying or standing. All we need to do is wait. He will come through for us. I waited and He grew hope in me and now I can carry it. Unfortunately it wasn't this month for my breakthrough, maybe it will be next month. I hope!