Yes

So yes, the words I thought I would never say- I am pregnant. Even writing those words seems unreal. How could I ever be pregnant? At this moment, God has breathed life into me and I carry a scrap of life.





5 weeks today.





We have been working our way through the frozen embryos and the second (of 4) has bloomed into life. This little one was a 8 cell on paper but they think divided again just before they froze it and was a 10 cell embryo. Strong! When the lab thawed it only 2 of the 10 cells didn't make it so we had an 8 cell embryo replaced.





I had physical symptoms of pregnancy early on and it was driving me crazy so I had a blood test a day early (5 September) and it was positive. I was in shock when we got the call and did not know what to think. Happy scared I guess.





This period in time (5 weeks) is the time when things went wrong last time so I find myself watching my body like a hawk. I have a bad cold so maybe that could cause things to go wrong? And I imagine the symptoms stopping or not being so strong constantly.





But.





I am ok. Should this not work then I have had a week of glorious pregnancy. I never thought I would have this opportunity. It is so wonderful to know that my body can support a scrap of life. Because it's not up to me, it's up to God to breathe life into that little embryo.





Today we sang another Equippers anthem. Amazing song and I lived every line of that song. And a couple of lines resonated in my heart.

The enemy is defeated

As I praise You, praise You

You are Mighty, yes You are

You are Mighty, yes you are

The enemy and what he seeks to bring (fear) is defeated. No matter what, I will not turn on my God in anger or bitterness if this does not work out. It would be wonderful and amazing to work out but that may not be my reality and that's ok. I have come to far to give in now.





My God is my Rock and He will sustain me through this time.





Next blood test on Tuesday and that's the one that told us we were to miscarry last time. Can't deny I am nervous but I will do my utmost to trust in Him. And His Grace will fill the gap for me.

My new blog

Here it is! Come on over!

There's still loads of fine tuning to be done as I determined to make my blog myself, so bear with me (pretty please?)

Can I say one more time: Come on over!

Moving on

I have a certainty in my spirit. I think the certainty I have is realising the Sovereignty of God. That no matter the circumstance- God is King. He rules. Past, present and future- He is Ruler over it all.

I can't explain the peace and acceptance I have. After 6 years of trying to conceive and 4 long years of invasive infertility treatment, I am not pregnant and have not carried a child to term.

But I do not feel a failure.

One of the most important revelations we had as a couple was being asked the question (as Jesus asked of the blind man) "What do you want?" The question seems obvious but it's not. We want children. Yes, but what do you want? We want to be parents. Once we understood that we long for kiddies and to be parents it meant that pregnancy was in a sense, optional. It does not matter if we fall pregnant.

God answered our cry and broke through for us. The gift of Rupi was more than I ever hoped or imagined or dared to dream of. He fits our family like a glove and we are what each other needs. God made us for one another- biology or not!

Only God could bring us to this place. I now understand how women can reach a place where they accept that their dream may not work our the way they planned. Only He can give me peace in a place that used to be utterly unacceptable to me. And now that I am here, it's actually alright. To let go of the dream brings a relief that I can't describe.

So we are just fine. Yes, I am bone tired. I always am after an IVF cycle and I am still heart sore. When I am alone the tears come and I think they need to. If I wasn't heart sore I wouldn't be human.

But.

I rest in the certainty that it will be ok. Treatment has not worked and that's also ok. I long for children (plural!) but if that doesn't happen we will be fine. God will make it fine and in fact, make it perfect. I can't spend any more time wishing for something that is not here.

It's not giving up on faith. I have faith in Him though, not in the outcome I have set my heart on.

I want to celebrate life now. Enjoy every moment with Rupi. I want to live in a state of gratitude for what He has given us, not always looking forward to what I hope he gives us in the future.

So I am going to wind up this blog. It's time. I hope that it will continue to help others walking through infertility but it's time for me to move on. I want to blog about mother-hood and adoption and cooking and sewing. Be a wife, mother and friend. Leave infertile girl behind- although I will never forget her and the lessons I learned.

I love to write so am setting up another blog- I hope you will follow me over there!

Drying glue

Been super busy this week, caught up with my sisters and some very neglected friends. Done tons of stuff for my little business, cooked and baked, ran errands and looked after a little man who has 4 (yup, 4!!!) teeth coming through.

I have had no time to think and process. Sometimes its good to get beyond the immediate emotion before you process things. The huge emotion of not being pregnant would just get in the way of hearing God's voice and perspective in this.

I am very heart sore but I am ok. God is good, before this happened and He's good right now.

I feel like I am a vase that has broken. God has come along and glued me together. Before I go testing out the glue and looking at what has been repaired I need to allow the glue to dry.

So I am allowing the glue to dry. And trusting Him and reading about Him and talking to him....but just not going right there, analysing and probing at this very moment.

Focusing on just being. A wife, mother, daughter and friend. AND how jolly cold it is! Trying to keep yourself warm soon moves your mind on from the internal to the external!

And of course because I love him so and he is such a comfort to me right now, here is my small man.... I love how fair he is (just like me!) and how his little brow furrows with concentration!

.

Not

Not pregnant. I had my blood test yesterday and the result was not what we were hoping for. We are ok. Upset and sad obviously but not devastated.

I just wrapped my arms around Rupi and cried and holding him made it bearable. I thank God that He has broken through for us. He redeemed 6 years of pain with the gift of Rupi and He can redeem this present pain.

He is my Certainty.

It would have been miraculous and wonderful to be pregnant but I am not, and that's ok. We may only ever be a family of 3, and that's ok.

The only thing that's certain is Him. I have made plans in my heart but if they don't come to pass we will be ok. God will make what He plans our best and I know that in the end we will see and feel that.

Not sure where to from here. We have frozen embies that are life to us. But we would love to just move on from fertility treatment. I am over the needles, testing, invasive procedures, cost and pain. We will pray and ask Him.

So thank you for praying for us. I appreciate it more than I can say.

We are blessed and walk in His favour. I just have to look at this tiny man and my heart overflows with God's goodness to me.

Down pour

So much happens all at once! God rains down and it tends to be a down pour with me!


I am a commercial interior designer and have been doing this for a looong time. I loved it but was so glad to leave it behind. I was totally over it....... Can you hear God smothering a laugh?


I am following my dream with getting, making and designing baby stuff but we ran out of cash. I need to inject some dollars to do marketing and we just don't have it. We were talking about it and wondering how to take the little business to the next level.


Well.


Just wait.

Someone large has a plan!


Through a contact I have been given/ handed an opportunity to do design work. This person is basically pushing me to open a little design company so I can do work for them. He's introducing me to a whole lot of people. I mean you can't buy this type of help for love or money and it's being handed to me.


So I am now setting up a mini design company. Hello? Like I have the time or emotional head space? But when God opportunity comes along, you gotta grab it and say "Thank you"!


I am going into business with her. Yay. And it's good and has God written all over it. So we have been doing a million things this week and we launch next week. Gulp. No business cards yet but we will have laptops and a drawing programme each. We are going to be little and keep it nice and simple. Clean, simple and pure design.

And me?

Trying not to freak out almost constantly. This waiting is hard. I woke up at about 3am the other morning and could not get back to sleep. I was convinced it was all over and tossed and turned in agony. I was a wreck.

Turns out I was torturing myself for nothing and the physical signs I was looking at were drug induced and wrong. Go me.

Psalm 91 is my God-send and I speak it over myself again and again. And again.

And again.

Psalm 91

My connect group (home group/ life group) leader was telling us of a story she heard. She wants to do some more research and find out more details as it's truly amazing.

In the first world war there was a battalion that suffered no losses. That's right- none. This is unheard of in a war that denied life to an entire generation of young men.

The secret?

God of course.

Apparently the commander of this battalion would get his men to speak (there's power in the spoken word) Psalm 91 over themselves every morning when they woke up, before the day began.

God's Word has incredible power and so I have been speaking life and His protection over myself and a very sick friend every morning. I love saying the words and I know He hears me.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

he is my God, and I trust him.

For he will rescue you from every trap

and protect you from deadly disease.

He will cover you with his feathers.

He will shelter you with his wings.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,

nor the arrow that flies in the day.

Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,

nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

Though a thousand fall at your side,

though ten thousand are dying around you,

these evils will not touch you.

Just open your eyes,

and see how the wicked are punished.

If you make the Lord your refuge,

if you make the Most High your shelter,

no evil will conquer you;

no plague will come near your home.

For he will order his angels

to protect you wherever you go.

They will hold you up with their hands

so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.

You will trample upon lions and cobras;

you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.

I will protect those who trust in my name.

When they call on me, I will answer;

I will be with them in trouble.

I will rescue and honor them.

I will reward them with a long life

and give them my salvation.”

Ah, so good! And I think (praying) we are on the verge of discovering something that will change my sick friends life! It works! Of course it does, why am I surprised??!!!??

We are good, just waiting and waiting. This is a good time. I had a minor (and short) meltdown last night but my hubbie reminded me of how different this time is. I am a Mommy already- this working is just a bonus.

We are undecided about how to blog the results of this pregnancy test. My hubbie wants some time to absorb the news either way and then tell family and close friends. He doesn't want me blogging about it straight away.

That's ok. We agreed that if any of my followers or regular readers want to know, email me at the address above. Not yet though! It's a while off still.

Funny story: I am on blood thinners (Heparin and asparin) to stop my body mounting an attack on the embryo. It means that I bruise very easily at the moment and so I have 50c size buises all over my tummy from the heparin injections.



So what do you do? Get Arnica of couse, the strongest dose you can and rub it all over your tummy many times a day. Turns out Arnica is for after bruising has happened not before! Yikes! I have been making it worse than ever. Not helping at all!



I would post a picture of my tummy but it's yucky and I feel faint looking at it. So here's a picture of my small man instead...