Sunday, July 6, 2008

The week that was

Well, here we are. Not even a week on. It was today a week ago that my Da was here. In fact this time last Sunday he was with us. Can't really dwell on that too much. We are still in shock I think and are struggling to accept that what has happened is real.

I know this blog is about infertility but this eclipses our childlessness for now. The thing I struggle with the most is that he will never know our children. They will never know what it's like to be wrapped up in his arms and made to feel safe and loved. He was adopted and so was going to help make adoption ok for our children and help them understand that an adopted family is the same and better. The pain of the loss of that wisdom is hard to describe.

His Kelly dog went to be with him today. She was so old and knew her beloved Dad was not around, we think she gave up.

I thank God for the total peace and utter conviction that he is with Jesus. I don't know what we would have done if we did not know that. How do I know that? I don't know but last Monday I just knew. It was a word deep in my heart. Our Da came along to church and we'd had significant conversations and asked him to keep his heart open to God during this time. He said he would and his heart was so soft.

God has been merciful- we both got to tell him that we loved him. It was the last thing we both said to him. I put my arms around him and told him I loved him. And the boys got to spend one last weekend up at the bach (beach house) with him the weekend before.

And I know that God is in control. We are not angry and we don't even have questions, we just have this gaping hole in our lives and we don't understand. This hurts so bad and we don't understand. I got sent these verses from a beloved friend last week and I have been holding onto them.

The Lord rules over the floodwaters.
The Lord reigns as king forever.
The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace. Psalm 29: 10 and 11

We don't understand but we know that God is in control. This seems as if it is so wrong and cannot make sense, but God is enthroned over this. He is in control.


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