Friday, December 23, 2011

My Christmas gift

God is amazing. His mercy to us is abounding. This last week I have been carrying a burden that's grown heavier by the day. And to be honest if the burden was not lifted I would not be sharing. Who wants to be a Christmas joy stealer? Not me.

They found a shadow on my Mom's lung about a week and a half ago. An ugly shadow that was found after some routine bloodtests came back all wrong. The shadow concerned the specialists so much that they ran a series of very intrusive tests this week. And they met with my parents late this afternoon.

This week has been so bad. I have believed and prayed with all my might. My God is more than able. But in the early hours I have been waking, fighting the fear that I will lose my beautiful mother.


My Mom will need a lung removed as the shadow is indeed a malignant cancer. But. And such a blessed-Christmas-gift BUT, it is contained. Contained within that lung. Thank you God. Thank you so much. My Mom faces major surgery that will take months to recover from. That's huge. But her life expectancy is normal without that lung.

This is the best Christmas gift to me. We face big challenges early next year but there's a positive outcome to embrace this Christmas. I thank God from the bottom of my heart for my incredible mother.

Merry Christmas indeed!


Ho ho ho

Well hello and merry Christmas to you!

I am at last at the end of a week verging on the insane. For the first time my ever supportive husband said 'I am sick of your work". Yikes. The holiday has come just in time.

So anyway.

I am eating carbs (bagel crisps to be exact) with dip and celebrating finishing for the year. There are 30 million loose ends to be tied with work but actually I can't finish them. And if I do I may get divorced so not a hard choice, ha!

Oh and I am now a red head! I had my colours done this week and so changed my hair colour to match my skin/ eyes etc. The hairdresser chose this colour, not sure what I think just yet. Dida likes it which has amazed me. I still shock myself when I see my reflection in a mirror so the jury is out!

Rupi has realised that Santa (or Zanta as he calls him) will bring him presents. He also believes that it's because of Baby Jesus' birthday so we are cool with it. He's into Baby Jesus who gets to be "in the boat" with Rupi along with the entire nativity cast and stable...

I have found time to make some Christmas goodies which makes me feel so much better. My little helper was wonderful...

When not destroying the living area. The energy level has gone up a notch since he turned 3 years old. I did not think that was possible. I was mistaken, ha!

And all the while, little Miss Precious makes me so grateful for Jesus and His break through power and mercy.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday baby Jesus!


Sunday, December 18, 2011

the good and the bad

This last week brought two things I have waited 10 years to do. Ever since we started trying for children I have thought about doing these things. One was enjoyable and the other gave me a heart attack....

The good one was Rupi's preschool concert. Oh my. It was a.d.o.r.a.b.l.e. ADORABLE. 30 little people dressed up as angels or shepherds, attempting to sing. It was tuneless, half of them weren't singing and a couple were having tantrums. It was perfect in every way.

The bad was Blossom splitting open her chin and a visit to the emergency room. Yuck. They glued it shut which amazed me. So the scarring will be minimal apparently. The actual gluing was an experience- they wrapped her up like a mummy and two doctors, a nurse and me all held her down and did it. The noise was incredible, that girl can scream. She was just fine afterwards, I needed a stiff drink.

So I can cross two things off my pre kiddie list. Thanks God!


Sunday, December 11, 2011


The journey through adoption and egg donor babies has taught me a lot. It's humbled me but mostly the journey makes me nicer. It forces nice-ness into me, which is a really good thing. Left by myself I am not that nice (think self absorbed, anti social and controlling to name a few vices)

So anyway.

I had the opportunity to grow nicer this week. Yes, am marginally nicer than when I started the week. Thanks God.

J's Mom calls (Rupi's birth grandmother). J is up visiting and has been up for the last week. He is leaving to go back to where he lives the next morning so can we make a bbq that night. She explains that they have been really busy with family so didn't call sooner.

Not so nice me (pre the work God did on me) thinks the following. IS Rupi not family? WHY are we called at the last possible moment and expected to drop everything to go over to see them? ARGH. I said I would think about what we could do and call back.

I had the self protection course that night and was going in with my sister. She would probably not go if I backed out. Dida was/ is sick and not up to taking two small terrors out on his own. I called Dida and vented. He is super wise and said the following "think about what is best for Rupi and do that".

Ah, Godly wisdom from my gem of a husband. It immediately took the "me" out of the situation and I could think. What was best for my boy? Not for J, his Mom or me. Him. Pure and simple. It was best for him to see J. He's 3 years old and remembers things. Lots of things. We need to store good memories whenever we can, regardless of how we feel and how inconvenient it is. My boy is worth it.

So Dida came home early and took over Blossom duty. Rupi and I went to visit J in the late afternoon. We stayed for about an hour and it was good. It was long enough for J to connect with him, spoil him and play with him. For them to bond some more. They laid down another row of bricks in the foundation of their relationship. It was the best choice for my son.

And I was happy too. Seeing Rupi laughing and playing equals happy Sammy. And I put "me" aside and grew a teeny bit nicer. Which will be welcome news to those that love me!


Friday, December 9, 2011

Loving list

LinkWell, hello there. I know I have been neglectful and vacant, so sorry.... So to make up somewhat here's a list of things I am loving right now (joining in with PJ)

♥ I have attended a self protection course. I can now beat the snot of any man who tries to hurt me. Truly. This course is amazing. The guy leading it grabbed me from behind (really grabbed with yelling and swearing) and I had him on the ground with the protective helmet he was wearing ripped off in about 5 seconds. And I am a wimp.

♥ Self diagnosis rocks. I figured my tuberculosis/ endless sounding cough was actually a post natal drip. Right on. It's on the mend which is brilliant. Maybe someday soon Dida will move back into the marital bed because I don't spend most of the night sounding like a barking seal....

♥ I got some green space sewing done. I made Rupi a shepherd's costume for his preschool concert next Monday. Oh, be still my beating heart. I can't wait to see him all dressed up with his little friends.

♥ I looked forward to his preschool year photo so much. It was on a day he doesn't go to school, never mind, I took him in and waited for him.... This is him in the photo. What the heck?

Yes you can see his real name, look away people, look away.

♥ Blossom is so long now. And talking! Way before our little man did, picking up words left right and centre. Told me she was holding onto my "shouder" (shoulder) this morning as I put her pants on. Genius.

♥ Potty delight. Blossom is well on her way just like her big brother. Took her out in undies today- did two wees at the mall. Woop! And when we go to pick her brother up from school she's stays dry all the way there AND all the way back. Love it.

♥ I love summer. The warmth, the bliss, the lack of layers, the ice creams. Love it!


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Tradition loving

I love traditions. And the longer they go on the more they mean. They grow richer over time. One of our most special ones is the children getting their own Christmas tree ornament. We did it last year with Rupi & Blossom, and with Rupi the year before that. The year before that I chose an ornament for him as he was only 8 weeks old.

I love that one day they will have their own special Christmas tree and be able to trace their ornaments back through the years. And when they leave home they will take some of their childhood with them, through the ornaments they have chosen.

This year like last year, I chose Blossom's for her. Mainly so I could keep her in my arms and stop her ripping the trees and tearing the bundles of ornaments to shreds. So here is hers... cutsy pie and just like her.

Rupi chose his like he did last year. Although this years is a little more in line with his personality and passion. So, of course, it's a truck....!

So grateful for this Christmas season. Thank you Jesus!


Sunday, December 4, 2011

celebrating my tiny girl

This weekend for a night, it was just me and my girl. Life shifted and changed to suit our feminine bent. It was quieter and a bit slower and less intense.

This little girl has me wrapped around her little finger. So much independence wrapped up in a dainty frame, this pint sized person takes on her world without fear. I love her spirit and attitude. Yes, the attitude is surfacing....

On Saturday we went to a Santa Parade near where we live. She loved it. Loved being with her Nana and Aunty and Uncle, reveling in being the only girl. Giving and then withholding hugs and cuddles, she's so funny.

I love this tiny girl!


Friday, December 2, 2011

celebrating my little boy

I love the definition of a boy I saw on a sign a while ago (I am SURE I have shared this before)

boy (n): noise with dirt on it

And that's my boy. This morning as he was standing in the laundry pounding the side of the washing machine for an eternity while singing loudly, I took a deep breath, and reminded myself of that definition. He's a boy. And so he's loud and carries dirt. In his hair, on his face, and on his hands. He's immensely strong (and can even hurt me!), but also tender and loving. When life is just too much he cuddles up in my lap. Really curls himself into a ball on me.

He's my boy. I would not change him to make him quieter, slower or less of himself. I love him just the way he is. His enthusiasm for everything is inspiring. His enthusiam for not listening or pushing his sister around is less inspiring but still, he's a boy. Testosterone charged and filled to the brim of life, he's MY boy. And I thank God for him.


Monday, November 21, 2011


The social services went to the little girls house straight after the call. They had the little girl examined and there was no evidence of rape. Thank God!! There are still huge issues with the family but at least that did not happen. I am super impressed with CYFs' response and they are now trying to work out what happened and what to do from here.

Most times its so good to be a New Zealander. But sometimes, very rarely, it's not. Today I am ashamed.

We have one of the poorest records for looking after our children in the developed world. We neglect, beat and kill our children. Sorry to be harsh, but those are the facts.

Needless to say I have zero tolerance for any of the above. So today, I found the number of Child Youth and Family, the government agency for looking after the welfare of our children, sat my nanny down and gave her the phone.

She knows a family through her nannying that she still has contact with. The mum of this family sometimes uses my nanny for babysitting. And Friday night was of these times.

After bathing the 3 year old (this makes me feel sick), she noticed the little girl was bleeding. Yes, from the place that no little girl should bleed from. She told the mum who promised she would take the little girl to the doctor. And, you guessed it, no such trip was made. So today the usual nanny told my nanny that the little girl had not been taken to the doctor. So I handed the phone to my nanny who made the call (she made the call gladly, btw)

Why do we do this? It makes me so mad. This family has a history of neglecting their kids. Lack of food, toys and a safe environment. I have provided food on occasion anonymously but at some point there needs to be intervention.

I am so ashamed that in this nation right now, children are suffering. A little boy was killed by someone who lives in his house in the last week. In my city. And this happens time after time after time.

I need to go and pray. Only God can make a difference. But may I say, that today I am ashamed of our child abuse record.


Friday, November 18, 2011


The awesome foursome

And so, without fanfare, God brought us home. To a place of peace, of togetherness. God is so good to us.

We went to see our Fertility doctor last week. He's not any doctor, he's our doctor. He knows us and, I think, he loves us. He has known us for 7 long years. I designed his clinic and in that clinic Blossom was conceived. We have wept with him and rejoiced with him. He's OUR doctor.

We went to see him and started to talk. We explained that life is pretty good for us right now and we are facing a choice. A hard choice. He said two very wise things, this doctor of ours. He said not to expect to be happy with whatever choice we made. That this journey, this space was not a comfortable one. He was right. Nothing about this space is comfortable. Comfortable is making a baby at home in your bed. Uncomfortable is unable to conceive and needles and negative tests and all the rest. We are used to uncomfortable.

He also said that the choice we make is more than about us two. There are four of us now and we need to make choices that are good for four people.

So Dida talked about his decision. And our doctor said to us 'I am more than comfortable with that". The confirmation. The peace. We didn't need his approval but it really helped to solidify our position.

So (with Dida's permission I can say)...

We are using our embies. But we are not using drugs. We will do a natural cycle and replace them. The doctor says they don't know if the drugs help anyway so it's a good choice. It works for us, no disposal, ongoing storage or donation of our embies. They will be replaced at the right time and then it's up to them. And up to Him.

We are near the end of the road for us. Maybe closer than further away. Who knows, it's in His hands. So sometime round next May we'll give our embies a chance. If there is another Blossom there, we'll rejoice. If not, we'll grieve a little and move on. Finally move on. And that will be so good.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

War dance

Well hello. I survived my birthday and here I am, on the other side. I already feel wiser. Or maybe not.

A lot has happened so I will back up a little. Rupi had a birthday bbq with family. It was awesome-ness.

The funniest was the cousins and the "Haka".

Haka (singular is the same as plural: haka) is a traditional ancestral war cry, dance or challenge from the Māori people of New Zealand. It is a posture dance performed by a group, with vigorous movements and stamping of the feet with rhythmically shouted accompaniment.[1] The New Zealand rugby team's practice of performing a haka before their matches has made the dance more widely known around the world.

The greatest team in the world, the mighty world champions, the All Blacks perform this before every match.

Rugby & the haka are ingrained in every New Zealander which is why in a mini country of 4.5 million people, we have a rugby team that can beat any other on the planet. I have seen how rugby is so ingrained first hand. It starts with the haka. And starts young. Really really young....

Here are a bunch of under-6's doing the haka. You can hear Rupi the.whole.time. He's really into it!

Fun times!


Thursday, November 10, 2011

Dolofee a.k.a. Dai

** Dolofee is Rupi's word and Dai is Blossom's word**

In April my sister and I took our small boys to the W.iggles concert. It was a blast. During the concert Dorothy the Dinosaur appeared on stage. Tiny girls emerged from everywhere and clustered in front of the stage, holding red long stemmed roses. I was utterly confused until my sister explained that the roses were for Dorothy as she "eats" them. Dorothy made her way down from the stage and recieved the roses like a big green queen. As she walked around the auditorium the swarm of tiny girls tottered after her.

This was bemusing as all the other characters attracted both boys and girls. I did not get it at all.

Until now. Blossom is in love.

For the very first time and with a large green dinosaur. Yes, it's Dorothy. She sings about Dai all day long and carries the books that have her picture in them, everywhere she goes. It's true love I tell you. I cannot figure out the attraction but what can you do? Love is in the air...!

So someone will be getting a Dai stuffed toy for Christmas and maybe a Dai backpack too. Bless.


Saturday, November 5, 2011


I failed in seeing and acting on a beautiful collision God set up for me last night. And I am utterly gutted. Not condemned, just gutted.

I did the groceries last night round 7pm. As I was walking around the supermarket I kept noticing this duo. A teenager boy and a younger boy. They were obviously not well off and really loud. You know how kids can sometimes be. Obnoxiously loud, banging into things with their empty trolleys and generally being a pain. I tried to avoid them but kept bumping into them.

I noticed the older boy holding frozen chicken and banging it against the cabinet. They had almost nothing in their trolley. I slid my trolley away from the noise quickly and went the other way.

Oh my heart just breaks writing these words and I can't help crying. They had NO money and I think the older boy was trying to buy food for them. Why didn't I open my judgemental heart and truly SEE?

They "landed" (hello God) up behind me in the checkout queue. I tried not to make eye contact. As my groceries were tallied up the younger boy came right into my space so he would see my total on the screen. He kept saying things like "Wow, that's a lot!", then "Look it's getting higher!" etc. All in a really loud voice and I was so embarrassed.

I wanted to pay for their groceries but what did I do? Stay embarrassed and kept quiet. I KNEW I should have done it but didn't. Funnily enough I had cash in my purse and I never do as we are a cashless culture. I thought about offering them the cash but what did I do? A big fat nothing.

I left and felt physically ill on the way home. This is my life's call. To provide for the fatherless, the husband-less and the poor. And I knew that this was a beautiful collision set up for me to provide for two of God's beloved boys. And I failed. I am beyond gutted.

I am sharing this not to get comforting comments back. But to be accountable. If I can't SEE with the little I have now, I won't be trusted to see with much.

I know that God is the God of the second chances but this was my moment. To see beyond my embarrassment and open my heart. And I didn't.

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Friday, November 4, 2011

The Day of Doom

I am facing a huge birthday in 4 days time. And I am not prepared. Part of it is that I am used to hiding my age. Funny but true. We waited so long for kiddies that when we met Sweetpea and J we didn't mention our ages because we were scared they wouldn't pick us. The reality is that we were closer to their parents age than theirs, ha! New Zealand's "political correctness" meant that our age was never listed on any documentation. We just acted really young and hip. Or tried to! And sort of carried it on from there.....

So anyway.

In my attempt to come to terms with the Day of Doom I have decided a few things. I realise that all of these things are connected to the way I look but I only left myself 3 months to make the changes. And trying to learn a new language, study a masters and memorise the bible takes slightly longer.

The first one was to lose my pregnancy and beyond weight. Done. The diet of torture does work.

The second one was to style my hair every time I wash it. Most of you do this automatically but having very straight hair meant I could get away with air drying. I did have to wear a pony tail a LOT but was too lazy to change. The Day of Doom has changed that. So, done.

I am getting real with skin care. I now boast an array of creams with names like "age defy", "renew" & "repair". Fabulous, not. So again, done.

I feel a bit guilty freaking out when some of my bloggy friends are facing massive life stuff, but I am being real. I don't wanna enter that decade!



Thursday, November 3, 2011

the best day ever (for the third time)

Darling Rupi

Today you turn 3 years old. Well, at 9.10pm you will. This day marks the start of all that has been good for us. You, our son of vision & break through boy, began the years of blessing for us. Our life as parents started with you and you brought the sunshine back for us.

You are so loved by everyone around you. From Sweetpea and her family to J and his family to all of us, you are adored and loved. You have brought healing too, to Dida's auntie and helped her see that adoption can be a beautiful thing for everyone involved.

You are filled to the brim with life and bounce into the room. You are so strong and unafraid of anything physical. You can jump off heights that make your Mama's heart flinch and do insane roly-polys. You can catch a rugby ball and throw it back straight- you can only imagine how this makes your Dida feel!

I love how you need lots of cuddles and ask for me all the time. You snuggle in my lap along with the ever faithful Panda and all is well in your world. I love your cuddles so much!

Happy Birthday darling. Thank you for just being you.

Love forever, your Mama


Saturday, October 29, 2011

decision time

We've had a massive decision to agonise over for the last 18 months. We have spent so much time in prayer over it. The question of what to do with our frozen embryos. We have two left.

The decision of what to do with them would have been a no-brainer before we got pregnant. No thinking needed. We use them. End of story. But the simplicity of that decision is no longer there. And this has been so humbling.

For people waiting for children and couples waiting to complete their family, our delay in making a decision would be incomprehensible. And possibly lead to anger and judgement. I know, because I have been there. I used to get so angry that people would hesitate to use their embryos.

But in my marriage, one of us believed our family was complete and one of us didn't. And this has caused such turmoil. There is no compromise in this decision. Either you try or not. There is no middle ground. We have wrestled and prayed and fought and hugged and cried over this choice. We have never had an issue that divided us like this one. And it was frightening. So we prayed even harder.

Each of us had good reasons for our choice. Really good reasons. And the other could see and sympathise with those reasons. But we still felt the way we did and we stared across a giant chasm at one another. A chasm that separated us with no way across.

This decision haunts couples who do IVF. In the states there are 400,000 embryos on ice. The hard liner says that you need to use them. You make them, you use them. But if you have the family you dreamed of and you still have 8 or 10 embryos, what do you do? The other answer is to donate them. But some people can't. One of us cannot even contemplate this choice and the other can. A whole new set of complications.

Eventually Dida said that the decision would be his. He would go on a fast for as long as it took to hear from God. In the mean time God had been working on me and I was moving and changing position. I could now see where Dida was coming from and understand his choice. So after Labour Day, Dida started fasting. He is like a greyhound in physique and metabolism so fasts are a big deal for him. I am like a labrador, I only really notice the fast on day 2. Dida was dying after breakfast on the first day, ha!

Day 3 rolls around and Dida calls. We have an empassioned conversation and suddenly without fanfare are on the same page. He moved and I moved and somehow despite all the odds, we meet in the middle. The chasm is closed.

I am not allowed to say what our decision is. Dida wants to keep it between us for now and we are not telling even our nearest and dearest. But what I hope to make you understand is how hard this decision was for us. We longed for children. And they are a sacred gift to us. But still this decision was not easy.

So this post is for those out there who were like me, waiting for babies. Or for people looking into the IVF situation and cannot understand how frozen embryos can be just left. Please understand and have mercy. This is not cut and dried and many of the people who struggle with this choice are good people. God fearing people who are good parents and good people.

It's been the most challenging issue we have ever faced in our marriage. But with God there is a way. He has come through for us in way I cannot even describe. We have peace again and I feel a burden lifted off my shoulders. The way forward will not be easy but I know that "we can do all thing through Christ who strengthens us!"


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

One for the Mamas

[Dislaimer: I am not being judgmental in this post. If it comes across that way, it's not intended. And I am not saying how fabulously hot I am either. ]

Last night I was invited to the International Rugby Board awards dinner. Wasn't that keen to be honest but it was a NIGHT OUT. Without kids and in a dress. Woop!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a bit modest in dress style. Don't like anything too clingy, short or low. It's just the way I roll. So I arrive in a black flowy dress- complete with top part pinned making the cleavage less obvious, ha! The rest of the table arrives. Yikes. The women, bar one, are young and very on show. Like "poured into the dress, barely holding onto one's bits" on show. I felt frumpy and old. Luckily I was near to the other lady who had a full dress on too and seemed to be similar in age to me.

So we are near the bar and alcohol seems to be a magnet for rugby players. The french team soon make it their base. Well, they had to drown their sorrows after LOSING to the All Black champions didn't they? The young half-dress women at the table are blowing kisses and winking at the french players. Gag. The full dress woman and I start talking, we both have small children, are married. I like her.

Soon the french players start wandering over to see the half-dress women. I kid you not, one of them flashes her cleavage at them. Double gag.

They sit down. Where? NEXT TO US, full dress woman and I! This one sat next to me...(click if you want his name, I don't want a million dodgy hits on this post)

Turns out he's a nice boy. Missing home and devastated after the loss to the All Blacks. While the "flashing cleavage" girl feeds her dessert to this guy seated next to Max, he chats to us. We say that we are mothers and this is a night out for us. He stayed for ages and when he got up to leave, he says to me "Bye hot mummy!" to me....

Yeah man, you can still be hot fully clothed and over 30. Nice to know.


Monday, October 24, 2011

Black Out!

The 24 year drought is over and the cup is back where it OUR trophy cabinet! We won the rugby world cup! Woop!

As a nation we needed this. After the pike river coal tragedy, two earthquakes and now an oil spill, a positive like this was just what the doctor ordered. Yes, this is just a sport but it's our national game and we love our rugby. This little island is tired today but absolutely buzzing!

The man of the house was super excited yesterday getting ready for THE MATCH

There was a fan trail for the match watchers (the cousins and us)

The house was decorated man-style, outside...

and in!

Every person, big and small was in full support

And we needed lots of energy releasing for the small people

And at the end of the night, this was the face that said it all!

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