my crowning glory

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD.

Isaiah 54: 1

We had a family shoot with these amazing photographers. They did my MIL's shoot and I loved their photos and they way they handled the kids, so booked them for my business shots and a family session.

They asked to use the kiddies as models last week (ummm yes!) and those photos are amazing. I can't wait to get copies of the images!

I highly recommend them and they have given me some vouchers to hand out to my clients or people like me. By that I mean, people who turn up on time and are polite. So if that's you, and of course it is, and you would use a voucher, say so in the comments and I will organise one for you x

barren woman sings

There is something amazing about the baby shower of an infertile. The pain, tears and suffering are somehow distilled into the most intense joy. The atmosphere sings of breakthrough and triumph.

One of my barren friends had her baby shower today. She has waited a long time for her boy. They are welcoming a 14 month old baby boy into their home and she is becoming his Mommy. This is not easy and their past and future remain hard and yet this is breakthrough of the most precious kind.

I have been so grateful and my heart has been moved so much over the last weeks as we have heard of this little boy. We make plans for ourselves, natural plans that follow the "normal". And when these plans do not come to fruition there is heart break. But I testified today to my friend that God's plans are indeed perfect. They do not resemble ours in the least and yet more than we could have hoped or dreamed of. God's plan for this little boy and for my friend and her husband are perfect.

I promised her today that the joy she feels today is a tiny part of what she will feel in a year. And the joy she feels then will multiply again and again. I thank God that I did not fall pregnant all those years ago. I thank God that I had to wait. Because the children I have are perfect. Perfect for us and the ties and bonds they bring with others are part of that perfection.

Today was a good day, friends. A very, very good day.

Closure

After 8 long years of being a patient at my fertility clinic, I went into say good-bye this morning. I graduated- with honors, I mean, have you seen my children!!??

It was super emotional but not the "cry" sort of emotional. Just relieved and a teeny bit sad and so happy. I did 3 rounds of chlomophene, 3 cycles of IVF, one cycle of IVF/ egg donation, had 2 miscarriages, adopted a precious boy, designed their clinic and bore one beautiful girl in those 8 years.

Ignore my facial expression- what the heck?

The staff are amazing. The egg donation nurse (my favorite) told me she still remembers me calling to tell her we had adopted Rupi and seeing him for the first time. They had not met Blossom yet, as I didn't take her along to any of my appointments, so were very happy to see her. The last time they saw her she was only 6 cells big!

These nurses and my doctor have seen us through so much. What a triumph to finally walk in with two amazing children. God is so faithful! So now the door is firmly shut and we end as we began with an appointment. But what a difference! An appointment of joy and fulfillment.

Of course we finished off with a sorbet celebration! Bliss.

Sorting

We kept all our baby clothes. And with babies of different genders and born in different seasons, there is a lot. I am sentimental about the little clothes so wanted them to go somewhere special. One of my besties is having a boy after two girls and this was the perfect opportunity to 1. bless her, 2. give the clothes to someone I love, 3. see the clothes being used on another little being.

So I started sorting. My friend now has an entire wardrobe for her little boy. My children seem to have a lot of clothes (hmmm..)

It only hurt a little which is good. And that hurt is a normal hurt I think. The end of the "little baby phase" hurt.

Now to sort through the stack of girl clothes! Penny, come and visit soon!

Over

So yes, I am not pregnant.

But I was.

When I thought I was not.

We replaced both embryos and it was hard. We wanted to honor the gift we had been given and allow any life that was there to flourish. But we are so very happy as a family of four. Complete and content.

There were no symptoms at all, unlike the previous miscarriage and pregnancy. Nothing. I assumed, as I had been in that space 7 times, that I was not pregnant. Together we moved on utterly before the blood test. We had packed our bags emotionally and mentally and moved on.

So to be told I was indeed pregnant was like being hit with a baseball bat. We were in shock for about 4 days. I woke up yesterday on Anzac Day and felt that I had started to embrace the pregnancy. So we decided to tell our close ones. Yesterday afternoon I started miscarrying.

There was no life there, I am sure. Blossom was aggressive in her growth, I felt her every development. This was completely different, it was passive. There were no symptoms at all. The nurse called the embryos unviable and for once, their cold and clinical language fits.

So here we are.

We are a family of 4 and this whole experience has made me utterly convinced of the perfection of that number for us. Before, I wondered if there was a lack/ gap in our family. Now I know there isn't. We are complete.

While we are sad, we are free. An 8 year journey is at an end. We are free to move on, with our little blessings in tow. Our marriage is strong and we are happy. Our children are flourishing. Our quiver is full. Two amazing arrows sit in our quiver and our cup overflows. We are truly blessed.

The two of us

In the middle of a crowded restaurant, on Saturday night, two souls connected. We had been trying to find space to do this for ages and finally we made it. In the middle of another friend's birthday party we sat beside one another sharing our stories.

She has an egg donor baby and so do I. What a gift to find someone else like me. To look into one another's eyes and to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the other gets you. Understands the journey, the heart ache, the joy and the grief.

It's the first time I have ever spoken to someone who is the recipient of an egg donor. She's the only one I know of. The best thing of all is that she is SO lovely. Easy to talk to with a tender heart, she is just wonderful. And she loves Jesus which is the best thing of all.

So two barren women sat together and talked about the joy of mother-hood. And we are both truly barren, in the natural, having gone through the rigors of IVF and failing to conceive time after time. And yet, we have children. How amazing is that?

I left with the certainty that God is amazing. He redeems what is lost and fallen. Motherhood extends beyond biology (or genetics). Motherhood is a God given privilege. Motherhood is a spiritual and emotional bond.

And I say to you again, my special friend (yes, she reads the blog) that there is no-one who can be the mother that you can for baby B. You are her everything and God brought the two of you together. May there be so many more times that people say how much she looks like you!

peaceful

The awesome foursome

And so, without fanfare, God brought us home. To a place of peace, of togetherness. God is so good to us.

We went to see our Fertility doctor last week. He's not any doctor, he's our doctor. He knows us and, I think, he loves us. He has known us for 7 long years. I designed his clinic and in that clinic Blossom was conceived. We have wept with him and rejoiced with him. He's OUR doctor.

We went to see him and started to talk. We explained that life is pretty good for us right now and we are facing a choice. A hard choice. He said two very wise things, this doctor of ours. He said not to expect to be happy with whatever choice we made. That this journey, this space was not a comfortable one. He was right. Nothing about this space is comfortable. Comfortable is making a baby at home in your bed. Uncomfortable is unable to conceive and needles and negative tests and all the rest. We are used to uncomfortable.

He also said that the choice we make is more than about us two. There are four of us now and we need to make choices that are good for four people.

So Dida talked about his decision. And our doctor said to us 'I am more than comfortable with that". The confirmation. The peace. We didn't need his approval but it really helped to solidify our position.

So (with Dida's permission I can say)...

We are using our embies. But we are not using drugs. We will do a natural cycle and replace them. The doctor says they don't know if the drugs help anyway so it's a good choice. It works for us, no disposal, ongoing storage or donation of our embies. They will be replaced at the right time and then it's up to them. And up to Him.

We are near the end of the road for us. Maybe closer than further away. Who knows, it's in His hands. So sometime round next May we'll give our embies a chance. If there is another Blossom there, we'll rejoice. If not, we'll grieve a little and move on. Finally move on. And that will be so good.

decision time

We've had a massive decision to agonise over for the last 18 months. We have spent so much time in prayer over it. The question of what to do with our frozen embryos. We have two left.

The decision of what to do with them would have been a no-brainer before we got pregnant. No thinking needed. We use them. End of story. But the simplicity of that decision is no longer there. And this has been so humbling.

For people waiting for children and couples waiting to complete their family, our delay in making a decision would be incomprehensible. And possibly lead to anger and judgement. I know, because I have been there. I used to get so angry that people would hesitate to use their embryos.

But in my marriage, one of us believed our family was complete and one of us didn't. And this has caused such turmoil. There is no compromise in this decision. Either you try or not. There is no middle ground. We have wrestled and prayed and fought and hugged and cried over this choice. We have never had an issue that divided us like this one. And it was frightening. So we prayed even harder.

Each of us had good reasons for our choice. Really good reasons. And the other could see and sympathise with those reasons. But we still felt the way we did and we stared across a giant chasm at one another. A chasm that separated us with no way across.

This decision haunts couples who do IVF. In the states there are 400,000 embryos on ice. The hard liner says that you need to use them. You make them, you use them. But if you have the family you dreamed of and you still have 8 or 10 embryos, what do you do? The other answer is to donate them. But some people can't. One of us cannot even contemplate this choice and the other can. A whole new set of complications.

Eventually Dida said that the decision would be his. He would go on a fast for as long as it took to hear from God. In the mean time God had been working on me and I was moving and changing position. I could now see where Dida was coming from and understand his choice. So after Labour Day, Dida started fasting. He is like a greyhound in physique and metabolism so fasts are a big deal for him. I am like a labrador, I only really notice the fast on day 2. Dida was dying after breakfast on the first day, ha!

Day 3 rolls around and Dida calls. We have an empassioned conversation and suddenly without fanfare are on the same page. He moved and I moved and somehow despite all the odds, we meet in the middle. The chasm is closed.

I am not allowed to say what our decision is. Dida wants to keep it between us for now and we are not telling even our nearest and dearest. But what I hope to make you understand is how hard this decision was for us. We longed for children. And they are a sacred gift to us. But still this decision was not easy.

So this post is for those out there who were like me, waiting for babies. Or for people looking into the IVF situation and cannot understand how frozen embryos can be just left. Please understand and have mercy. This is not cut and dried and many of the people who struggle with this choice are good people. God fearing people who are good parents and good people.

It's been the most challenging issue we have ever faced in our marriage. But with God there is a way. He has come through for us in way I cannot even describe. We have peace again and I feel a burden lifted off my shoulders. The way forward will not be easy but I know that "we can do all thing through Christ who strengthens us!"

Dear me

Us in 2001

It's no secret that I am forever changed by infertility. That 6 year journey was life changing. I don't think that I did it "well" or "had it together" and I think that's part of my journey. I was brought to my knees by infertility and by the time Rupi came, I was shattered emotionally and spiritually. That has humbled me incredibly and I think that's part of His Purpose for me.

I struggled with hope a lot. Trying to be faith filled and hope time and time again. I eventually stopped hoping and dreaming and had to learn how to dream again once Rupi came.

This last weekend I did Beth Moore's live simulcast day. It was beyond awesome. So much spoke to me including a line in a worship song we sang. We sang "His Word secures my Hope".

I wish I could put my arms around the me in the months before Rupi came and tell me this. Tell that me to go back to the first word He spoke and hold onto it. That His Word would secure my hope. That I didn't need to try and hold on. He would secure me.

This was one of the first scriptures I ever got for my future. Back in 1998, way before we started on the journey of trying for a child, I got a promise.

Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young at a place near your altar, O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my King and my God! Psalm 84: 2-4

I lost sight of that first promise in the long wait. I was always looking for the next word to suit the latest challenge. But that first promise was all I needed. Because He did secure my hope. I am living the promise I got all those years ago. We are raising our young near His alter and life is very sweet. Very sweet indeed!

Victory!

Last Sunday was Mother Day. My third one. This one was different. The first one was utter relief and emotion, the second was about celebrating pregnancy. This one was pure victory. The barren girl stood there with two children. I wanted to shout with praise!

I love this passage of Scripture. I have experienced childbirth but naturally I should not have. I am barren. Yet I have a lineage established. I have children, the wonderful amazing blessing of children! I also love how this passage talks about the humiliations of my youth being forgotten. I found infertility so humiliating and that pain has been redeemed. God is so good!


"Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby. 
   Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth!
You're ending up with far more children 
   than all those childbearing women." God says so!
"Clear lots of ground for your tents! 
   Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope, 
   drive the tent pegs deep.
You're going to need lots of elbow room 
   for your growing family.
You're going to take over whole nations; 
   you're going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don't be afraid—you're not going to be embarrassed. 
   Don't hold back—you're not going to come up short.
You'll forget all about the humiliations of your youth.... Isaiah 54: 1-6 (part of)

His promises are Yes and Amen!

P.S. And Dida gets 100% for "helping" Rupi and Cate with their Mothers Days gift- a spa treatment!!!! The best ever!!!!! Woohoo!

Bounce back

This is one of those posts that's been germinating in my head for ages. As usual inspired by my friend Tea, who always makes me think and somehow we seem to land up working through similar things at the same time.

To make any sense of this, I need to explain me. I am a perfectionist and pretty hard on myself. I am learning to embrace failure and be nice to me. It's a process! So I have high expectations of where I should be. And sometimes it takes a while for it to dawn on me that perhaps I am having unrealistic expectations of myself.

One of those times is the time I have taken to heal after getting receiving breakthrough in our struggle with infertility.

We became parents in November 2008. 2008 nearly killed us with a failed adoption & a failed IVF cycle to start the year off and then the death of Dida's Dad in June 2008. We were mentally and emotionally shattered. There was nothing left. But we still had an incredibly stressful adoption to go through that was only approved at the very last second.

When Rupi came home the overwhelming feeling I had was relief along with a deep sense of gratitude. The intensity of these emotions abated after a while and I was left with sheer emotional exhaustion. There was nothing in our emotional tanks, we were wrung dry. And its taken two years for our emotional tanks to slowly fill.

I talked to God about it as I have been disappointed in myself. I thought that once I had breakthrough I would bounce back like a rubber band. After all I had breakthrough so why would I not be back to "normal"?

God showed me how it was like we had been in surgery. We had had something that needed surgery to correct. So when Rupi came home we had emotional surgery. And like with natural surgery, we needed time to recover from it. There is a period of healing required after surgery even though surgery may have "fixed" what needed to be fixed.

{Note: This analogy does NOT imply that infertility is something that needs to be fixed or that it is some kind of disease that needs to be cut out. Infertility is not a punishment from God, it's the result of a fallen world and God uses it to bring about His purpose. The analogy is a flawed example that helped me understand what had happened a bit more.}

After receiving breakthrough after a protracted trial there seems to be a time to heal required. Even though breakthrough has arrived, a time of healing seems to follow. This was unexpected and very humbling. It didn't fit with how I thought I should be. It's been a slow time of healing, of learning to dream again and also to let go.

I have let go being disappointed with myself and accepted the time I have taken to heal. God knows anyway and He's in control. His timing is perfect and I submit to it. So anyway, I hope this encourages someone out there. I know that I am not the only person to have gone through a long hard trial and also know that I am not the only person who has high expectations of myself.

It's ok to take time, God has eternity in His hands after all.

What I know

{image source}

Been talking to God about letting go. About not conceiving. And as I let go I realise some things.

I will never be that woman that has to let a child go. Through termination or adoption. I will never know what it's like to have to release. To turn and have to walk away. I will never know the pain of waking up in the morning and wondering about my baby. What they are doing that day. The pain of wondering what my child would be like, if I had made a different choice sitting in the doctors office.

I will also never know ordinary in motherhood. The sheer beauty of ordinary. Of making a choice to fall pregnant and then waiting with expectation. And for that expectation to easily and quietly be fulfilled. In my home, in my bed. I will never know the spontaneous joy of a positive pregnancy test and the anticipation of telling my husband.

As I thought about what I didn't know, good and bad, God turned me around to look at what I do know.

I know what it is to long for something with every fibre of my being. To long to be a mother and be able to sift that longing to see the bottom of it. I know that I longed to be a mother, pure and simple. To nurture and embrace. To enfold with love. And I know that I don't care how I am a mother, to be called Mama is enough.



I know what it is to see a tiny baby for the first time and fall in love. Unconditionally and utterly. I know what it is to be so scared that someone I love so much may not be a part of my life. And then to receive a phonecall that alters my very being. A phone call that says yes, he is coming home. I know what sheer joy feels like, the sweet taste of breakthrough.



I know what it's like to walk into a clinic with someone who is sacrificing for me. Who is embracing pain and suffering with no reward at the end, other than the hope of my pregnancy. I know the joy of pregnancy and birth even though I am barren. The joy of looking into a tiny face and knowing no-one can take her from me.

I know what is is to be loved for myself. I am loved by my husband for me. I cannot give him a child of myself, and yet I am loved. I know what is to be held, in times of incredible sorrow, and be told that I would be chosen again. No matter what, I would be chosen again.



I will never know natural conception. But what I know is worth that lack. Worth it a thousand times over.

“Sing, O childless woman,

you who have never given birth!

Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem,

you who have never been in labor.

For the desolate woman now has more children

than the woman who lives with her husband,”

says the Lord.

“Enlarge your house; build an addition.

Spread out your home, and spare no expense!

For you will soon be bursting at the seams.

Your descendants will occupy other nations

and resettle the ruined cities."

Isaiah 54: 1-3

Letting go

{image source}

Dida and I went out for coffee when we were away. On. our. own. It was fantastic. We talked and talked and really connected. We talked about so much and of course we talked about children.

We have a big choice coming up this year. The choice to finish off our last round of treatment. Or not. Which may or may not give us the chance to fall pregnant. We didn't reach agreement but we did realise something else.

I won't be having a baby that I conceive by myself.

Ever.

My fertility has declined way beyond my years and lets face it, in terms of having a baby, I am no longer a spring chicken anyway. The odds of having a baby that would survive or be born without birth defects are getting lower each month.

**Disclaimer: If I DID fall pregnant naturally we would embrace & love the baby no matter what. We made the choice to parent Rupi before he was born regardless of any issues that he may have had and chose not to have certain tests when I was pregnant with Blossom, as we would not ever choose to abort. A baby does not have to be "perfect" to be in our family.**

God is the God of miracles. He is able to open my womb and give us a baby. But we feel that we also have a responsibility to Rupi and Blossom to make choices that we think are sensible. Sensible for our family, possibly not anyones elses. But choices we prayerfully make, for us.

So we are shutting the door to me conceiving. Not an easy choice as it means that we have to let go. Of 8 long years worth of hope that I will conceive. In the natural that means letting go of my genetic lineage. My genes stop here, with me. The end. Of course my lineage continues spiritually and emotionally. But naturally, it stops.

God has been talking to me about letting go. On so many levels. He said that 2011 is when I start new by letting go. So I lay this down. It may be a process not a single decision but I choose to let it go.

Let go of being ordinary- conceiving in an ordinary and wonderful way. And completely embrace the extraordinary. I am a mother in an extraordinary way. Barren but fruitful. Infertile but a mother.

Extraordinary. I like it.

Love and support

A bloggie friend asked me this question. And as I have been asked it a few times, I thought I would answer on here...

Q: How can I be a friend to and support someone going through infertility?

As I have written so much about this, maybe I could point you to a series of posts I have written. The one that really answers the question is this one. A letter I wrote to the people in our world.

And sometimes it helps to understand what infertility is really like too. So here are some posts about the reality of living and walking through infertility:

I started this blog in 2008, about 18 months before Rupi came home so it was in the middle of our struggle with infertility. The pain was pretty raw and there was a sense of unreality about my life. Infertility always felt wrong to me, like something that should have been natural to us, was being denied us. It was an incredibly painful journey for us.

People do deal with infertility in different ways as we are made differently. But every journey involves pain and grief. They are the two common elements.

Infertilty sensitises you. To the normal and natural world. Living in an everyday world was imnpossible sometimes and everyday events and occuranmces were so painful as all they did was highlight your lack. Especially when it came to pregnancy and babies.

It also brings a great deal of shame. Particularly when the issue is with your body. This is an area the enemy really tries to bring defeat in and it's a battle to over come it. I have no idea how people do infertility without God and a suportive church and family. No idea at all.

To make it through infertility I needed support and I needed my friends. They were a lifeline

to me. I love my friends. They stood by me and loved me and prayed for me. I can never say thank you enough.

They helped get me from despair to here.....

Sweet sweet November

November. My most favourite month of the year. As a child, it was because it's my birthday month. Now because it's breakthrough month. My little boy turns 2 years old on Wed!

November was always so exciting and I would count down until my birthday. Birthdays are a BIG deal in our family. But as infertility started to make itself felt, each birthday month became something I would dread. Another year older and my fertility clock was ticking like a time bomb. Never very fertile to begin with my mid thirties slowly crept up on me and I was terrified.

2007 was awful. We did the last IVF cycle and was told no more. My body was just not responding and I was on the highest possible dosages of drugs. Then we got news that someone was interested in placing their baby girl with us. Our spirits soared only to be dashed just before Christmas when she changed her mind.

2008 started darkly and got even worse. In January my precious Da (Dida's father) was diagnosed with colon cancer. We lost him in June. Our hearts honestly failed. Hope deferred makes the heart sick and our hearts were very ill. We stood up at his funeral in front of 500 people and spoke of our journey. We despaired.

So when Sweetpea approached us we could not trust that this would work out. We heard of this little baby boy and I did not dare to hope. Sweetpea had enough faith for us all and at the tender age of 14 years old, told me to trust her. That she would not change her mind.

I saw another November coming and my heart just dropped. Rupi was due in late October and so I knew that by my birthday we would know. If he was our son of vision or not. My heart was failing and I could not have coped. I would love to say that I trusted God and was fine, but I was not. I could not take anymore.

He was born on the 3rd of November and we got the call late that Monday night. We rushed down the next day and incurred the wrath of the social services. Nothing looked like it would work out but God came through. Our family and church prayed so hard and on the 14 November 2008 we got the call we had waited a life time for. Rupi came home that night.

November turned from mourning to laughing. November was redeemed. In the beauty of God's impeccable timing I was still 36 years old when Rupi was born. Only just! My birthday is 5 days after his!

The last two years have been the happiest of my life. I cry every time I write about it and think of my little boy. The waiting was agonising but he was worth it. It took me a while to really believe that my son was in my arms. Like a creature that had been kept in the dark, it took me a while to get used to the sunlight. I was slowly reborn as my little boy grew. He is everything we ever hoped and dreamed of. From his sweet smile and tender hugs to the bashing and tantrums, he is all we wanted!

.

Sweet sweet November. I am so glad that you are here! The month of breakthrough and redemption. The month of His favour! Yay!

Capacity

This post makes me a little nervous as I know how many Equippers peeps read this blog (!) Please remember when reading it that we cannot always watch every word that comes out of our mouths and I am not saying that we need to. Our views and opiniosn are shaped (partly) by our own experiences, and that's more than ok.

On Sunday someone asked me how I have been. "It's been full on" I replied. "Oh" they said and then in an encouraging tone said "You know that around church circles it's said that no-one has capacity like a Mum with young kids. And if you want to hand a full on ministry to someone you choose a Mum who has had young kids."



Everything in me wanted to hand Blossom to them to hold while I bashed their head in. NO, something in me yelled. I DISAGREE! I realised I was having an extreme reaction to an innocuous (and encouraging and complimentary) comment and so smiled and went off to chat to my wise Sounding-Board-in-Heaven during worship. I pray that this person didn't see anything inside me at that point (I don't think they did) as they are wonderful and kind and loving.



I needed to find out why I disagreed so vehemently. After a chat to my Loving Father I realised that I reacted as a recovering infertile to the view that you need to have had kids to be qualified. To have something that otherwise you couldn't. That if you don't have kids or haven't experienced multiple kids you cannot possible have developed a large capacity. That's wrong and I know that's not what this person meant. But it is a view that holds many holes. The person with the largest capacity I know (she's very very well known and loved at Equippers- a clue!) is still waiting for children. This girl and her hubbie have a capacity that has stunned and inspired Dida and I.



Once I calmed down and took a deep breath (as I knew this person was just making conversation.... and is kind and nice.) I found I still disagreed. Based on my experience of having small children and having been an infertile this is it:



Having small children builds physical capacity. You multi-task in ways you never comprehended before. I added working to the mix and so multi-tasking and list making have become a fine art. The last 4 months have been the most physically taxing of my life. I have been more tired than I can express. Sometimes I am so tired I can't get a straight word out. I ache.



Infertility treatment is also physically taxing but it's for a shorter time period. This period will last for years. I have bags and smudges under my eyes for the first time. And no matter how long I sleep in, I wake tired.



A trial like infertility or sickness builds emotional and mental capacity. Like nothing else. Needing God to help me breathe and eat and walk and function built an emotional & mental capacity into like nothing else. At the worst times I needed God to help me get out of bed in the morning. We would do life together one step at a time. This time is not doing that.



So the two are different. Different types of capacity at different times and stages of life. That makes sense to me. I do think that we can develop massive capacity regardless of our circumstances and what we go through. There is no one size fits all. And I think a barren woman could (and many do) have the capacity that a Mum does.



Anyway, this is a good post for me to crystalise my thinking. [It may have bored some of you to tears- hopefully you stopped reading a long time before this! ] My reaction was extreme and a gut reaction and I'm very glad I internalised it. And the conversation is untraceable so no-one knows who it was. Because the person is lovely and was only trying to have a chat...!

Here I am

Simoney did a post celebrating her Blogiversary and asked us to link to our first blog post. I linked to my second post as my first one was just saying "hi" (to myself).

I started the blog as I knew it was a God-thing but was scared to be so out there with infertility. I only switched the comment feature on after about 6 months! I didn't want anyone saying anything as I was so fragile.

I read the post and my heart just breaks for all the infertiles out there. My heart breaks for the me back then and I realise how far I have come.

It's funny, I was chatting to a girl at church last night and she said that she can tell women who are pregnant. Amost before they know they are themselves, she can tell. I am the same with infertility. I just know that I know the ones who are suffering. I look at them and I can see through the smiles and the laughter to beneath. I just know.

I am freshly grateful for my blessings. I look at my heart and it's healed. The scars remain but they are beautiful. They are reminders of the victory God has brought about.

So here I am. Eternally grateful. Thank you Simoney for the reminder of what God has done.

Giving up?

Every now and then something someone writes about infertility grabs me by the throat. I can't help it.

I was eating my lunch and reading though everybody's latest posts and one just stood out. I struggled to finish my lunch as it has gripped me. Gripped me with a question and a thought. I have to follow this train of thought!

I am not going to link to this girl. If you know me and who I follow it will be easy to find this post but somehow I am not going to do it. Maybe because the post was so raw. This girl I love. We have never met and most likely never will but I love her. I love her vitality, openness and transparency. And I love how she seeks after Him.

This is cry from the heart about having a baby, a second child.

I believe I have given up. I really cant remember the last time i prayed for the LORD to give us another child. Its not that I don't think he can do it, its just that.....well, I don't think I believe anymore that this is his will for our lives. A friend challenged me ( and I do believe she meant well) to think about how I have lost faith in Gods ability to do this. Well...is that wrong? Is it wrong for me to just say, "you know what LORD I am just going to accept that this is your will for me to not have any more babies". I don't know what to think anymore...I am not sure what my perspective should be. I just don't want to loose faith in this God who is able to do all things.... I am praying that I can have faith just as Mary did when she was told she would give birth to the Savior of the world.....

So has she "lost faith"? Did I "lose faith" when I struggled to believe?

The pastors at our church were incredibly gentle with us during our struggle with infertility. I thank God for them, they are amazing. One pastor said to me once to remember that "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and to be kind to myself. This man is a leader in our nation and his words were like a balm to my soul. We fought for our hearts not to be sick. Continually holding on and believing and then facing monthly evidence of hope deferred is so very hard.

So we need to be kind to ourselves during a long and protracted struggle. Allow ourselves the space and time to be sad/ angry/ tired/ frustrated. And allow God the time and space to heal and uplift us.

I think God gifts you with the strength to lay a dream down. Especially a dream or desire that you have held onto for a long time. Another pastor at church said that we should submit our desire to have a child and maybe it wasn't in God's plan for us to have children.

But something in me NEVER could. I could never accept that we were not going to have a child. There was something in me that would not lay down and so I continued to have faith. At times it was so weak and small it wondered if it had survived. But with any whiff of hope it fanned into a little flame and there it was. It never ever went away.

Conversely we did lay the dream to have another child down. This was a God given gift to me. When Rupi was about 8 weeks old I packed his first baby clothes away. I wept as I realised that I may never use those clothes again. I cried out to God that I wanted another baby. But as I held my little boy the pain was soothed. I felt peace.

When we did this last cycle of treatment we knew it was the last one. And we had peace about it. When we got the call that it had failed I fell on my knees and rocked with old familiar pain. My hubbie then placed Rupi in my arms and I held him as I cried. This time the pain was fleeting. My dream was realised. I was a mother and God had come through. I could lay the dream down.

Yes we are pregnant and expecting another child. This one is the bonus blessing. We were remarkably casual during the process of using the frozen embies because our dream had been realised. I am so so grateful to have another child but I am already a mother. This pregnancy is not our answer or breakthrough, it's the cherry on the top. The evidence of God's abundance.

I am not saying that one child should be enough. I used to think that when I was infertile and wonder about people longing for another child. But how many is up to God and the couple. All I am saying is that it's ok to lay a dream down. Sometimes it's ok to lay a dream down for a season and allow God to carry it.

In my opinion, my friend does not lack faith. This may be the call to submit her dream and move on; it may be a time for God to carry it or it may be the time to press into Him for more strength and faith to carry on believing.

Whatever she does, she is a woman of faith walking through a hard and difficult season. And I love her.

Authority

What an amazing God day on so many levels.

Church today was phenomenal. Ok, it's always phenomenal but today was even more so! We had an Aussie pastor preach and from the moment he opened his mouth and started reading from the Word this morning, I felt God's presence. It was my soul was being literally fed.

He talked about the authority that Jesus has and how when He spoke, the earth trembled. Every part of earth is under His dominion. Every single part of our lives.

Amazing.

He asked various groups of people to come up on stage for healing and in one group one of my closest friends went up. Her plight is so close to my heart all I could utter was 'Please God, please". She is still waiting for her healing and with all I had, I just prayed for this to be her time. For Jesus to have total dominion over her body and heal her....now. A miracle is needed.

Our church believes that this is the year of miracles and breakthrough for us. And there so many miracles needed. A lovely friend told me of her need for a miracle. After struggling with infertility and finally having a baby, she needs the strength to begin to try again. To open herself up to the potential of pain and frustration and fear once again. A miracle is needed.

And after church another friend told me of her threatened pregnancy. The next 48 hours are critical. The last two pregnancies have ended in heartache and this is the time when things have gone wrong for her before. I wept for her tonight and cried out to heaven. A miracle is needed.

We are told to declare God's dominion and declare the break through. Speak the miracles into being in the authority that Jesus gives us. I am doing that for my friends tonight. If you need a miracle I encourage you to speak Life and do it with His authority.

All I have is a mustard seed faith. But it's enough for Him.

Life is just not fair

Just brought to tears (again) at the thoughts expressed in one of the blogs I follow. This sweet girl's pain just screams out of the page at facing another Christmas without children.

I know that pain so well. Facing the start of yet another year without a baby. Looking back at a year that just involved pain and heart break. Everybody around us celebrating the season and all we wanted to do was crawl into a hole.

Yes I know God is not fair, He is just and glorious (and amazing). And we live in a fallen world with the consequences of having freedom of choice. And we were never promised an easy ride through life and one day this will all be made right.

But for the couples waiting that is cold comfort sometimes to be honest. And I just weep at their pain and wish life was fair. They are incredible couples who would make amazing parents. And we have babies being born so easily who are neglected and abused and unwanted.

I wish life was fair.