Equippers Rocks!

Tonight our amazing church, Equippers, recorded a third worship album at the evening service. The house was pumped and we were so ready.

As the music began, my heart was filled with gratitude that I was there. At that moment. What an amazing privilege to be one of the voices lifting Jesus up and creating an album that will change lives. I believe this album will be the vehicle God uses for break through and miracles.

I am so proud to be part of a church that is constantly pushing back the darkness and reclaiming land the enemy has taken. We never sit still and it's wonderful! I thank God that He has placed us at Equippers and I love that my children will grow up in a house that lifts up Jesus above all else.

How can I not sing?

Its been an amazing weekend filled with God encounters at our woman's conference. I got to host one of my dearest friends who is the pastor of a thriving church. What a privilege to spend time with her- our love tanks of quality time are full!

My wonderful man went back to the bach (beach house) with his Mum for the first time since his Dad's death. The bach is filled with Glenn, it personifies the man and everywhere, I mean absolutely everywhere you look, you see him. So a very very hard weekend for my man.
But as we stood in church tonight one of the new songs really hit home. The songs that are coming out of our house are simply amazing (you have got to get a CD if you don't have one) The lyrics say:

How can I not sing?

Freedom came to earth to rescue me

How can I not sing?

Glory came to earth to set me free

The questions of life are ever present. Why infertility? Why death and grief? And sometimes there are no answers. But even in the face of all this with no answers, how can I not sing? How can I not worship my Saviour?

When we look up and see Him, the beauty and majesty of Him, how can I not sing? My heart cannot hold back. Yes it hurts and when I see the grief on my beautiful man's face my heart breaks. Yet he lifted his hands and with tears pouring down his face tonight he sang. Sang for His Redeemer, the Freedom that came and rescued him. He overcame and worshiped his Saviour.

Shame-less

Yesterday during worship we sang a song which has a line saying''Only Your love defines who I am". And I thought "Who am I, if God defines me?". And God answered me saying that I am honoured and loved. Two of my favourite verses came to mind (Isaiah 49: 16 and Daniel 10:19) which talk about how we are deeply loved. And with love comes honour.

I thought about what that meant and I realised that love and honour drive out shame and reproach. Shame and reproach are issues that come knocking during the journey of infertility. I mean, who hasn't felt less of a woman for not being able to have a baby? Shame has washed over me so often in social settings leading to reproach for not being able to fulfil what seems like the most basic of tasks- give my husband a child and heir. So it was a good reminder that I am beyond shame and reproach through His love and honour defining who I am.

God is quite gracious to me and often speaks to me during worship about the sermon topic giving me time to respond, either give me strength and encouragement or a good old challenge. Yesterday was the same as Ps. Sam Monk talked about living in the light without shame (Matt : 13-16). I loved the sermon and the encouragement to love publicly.

This journey is so often lived in the dark due to embarrassment and shame. It is a hard private journey and I pull away from people, especially people we haven't seen in ages to avoid the question "So.... do you have kids yet?". But God said that I (and you) are loved and honoured and there is no shame in that at all! And if I live in the light and talk and share about this, it gives others permission to do the same. This journey is my salt flavour and when I share it has tremendous power, who I am I keep God's work and glory and power a secret?

Wierdness antidote

Antidote to feeling wierd? P R A I S E..!
Thank you God for loving me; for giving me the chance to experience life so I can have the opportunity to:

• Take a breath of warm sea air
• Laugh like a crazy woman
• Act like a kid
• Watch a summer storm
• Feel the sun of my face
• See the love in my husband's eyes
• Receive an email from a much loved friend
• Drink a Starbucks tall decaf trim mocha
• Be able to love You

Thank you for creating me for love; to be loved and to give love. This is good and You are good.

True worship

How many times have we wept as we stood in church and worshiped God? That bottle that God says He has in heaven with my tears in it is the jumbo 3 litre version! The poor worship team looking down at me from the stage for the 1oooth time, weeping as I sing....not very joyful!
But I realised something. This journey builds deep things into us, it carves depth into our beings. Before we started this process, my faith, my soul and my being were shallower. Not bad, just shallower. Not shallow in a bad sense but untried and untested.
I remember one morning in church understanding that the recent battle I had fought had resulted in depth being carved painfully into my soul. And realising that I was worshiping God from that depth, from the bottom of what had been carved into my soul. The place I was worshiping from was beautiful as it was deeper and more real. What I had walked through had enabled me to give God more of me and worship Him from a place that was inaccessable before.
When we worship God in the middle of a trial it's truly a sacrifice of praise. It costs us something to lift Him up in our circumstance. To go beyond how we are feeling and allow ourselves to worship Him from the bottom of the place that hurts. That is true worship.