Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Sister-hood of Suffering

I got a parcel yesterday from on old friend. Someone who has been through the mill over the last few years. I mean, hard hard times. Such hard times that she has retreated and hidden for a while (and that's totally ok). She read this blog and said that it gave her a bit of hope that there may be light for her at the end of her tunnel, because God came through for me. I wept as I read it and said to my hubby that opening up and exposing my life has been worth it, if only for that one person. It's all about the One.

And for the first time, I was grateful for the suffering. Our breakthrough has been healing and wonderful and I am so incredibly thankful, but I just could not be grateful for the journey. The journey (which is not over, we have the first breakthrough, not the last) has been so hard it still takes my breath away. It almost crushed us but because of His Grace, didn't. But at times I can tell you it was pretty darn close. But knowing that my suffering enabled someone else to relate, was enough to make me grateful. There is something about suffering that humbles you and opens your eyes. You get it. You are able to understand someones else pain and frustration and suffering and hopefully point them to Jesus.

Suffering transcends boundaries. Another friend said yesterday that she was encouraged at my baby shower. She had renewed hope that if God could come through for me then he could come through for her with a husband and a Godly marriage. So I get to the place where I am grateful. If my pain and suffering can show someone else that God is faithful and true, thank you God.

The one encouragement I wanted to leave you with, my sisters who are suffering, is to give yourself a break. Suffering is incredibly wearying. I am living with a renewed energy and passion and I realise how much suffering wearied both my hubby and myself. Hang on to God and keep going to church and keep "plugged in" but be kind to you. I can promise you that you will be back. The way you are now is not the way you will stay. The weariness will pass with breakthrough but until then be kind to yourself.

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Monday, December 15, 2008


I am just so grateful and there is not one moment that I take for granted. I thank God for each minute I spend with my son. I go to bed each night so thankful and look forward to the next day because I get to spend it with my boy.

I thought that this would be good, well I hoped that it would be. People like me who have walked the road we have and are an A-type personality are at a high risk of post natal depression. I knew this and so had no expectation as to what this would look like. All I asked was that my baby bonded and attached to me. So to be loving this is an incredible blessing.

I am in a wonderland, free from pain. I will never stop being grateful. I look through my bible each day and I see the verses and sections of scripture outlined and underlined with dates beside them. I know the pain each verse represents and what encouragement and hope God gave me each time. I can chart this journey though His Word and that is more appropriate than I can ever express. I thank God for the hope that His Living Word brought me. My heart aches for the Sammy back then but how my heart rejoices now!

Thank you Jesus. I will never stop thanking and praising You. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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Thursday, December 11, 2008


It's been a while since I posted and not due to any emotional reason, we just switched internet providers and our old modem could not support their system. Typical. So I had to figure it all out, get a new one and then hook it all up. I am actually quite proud of myself...!

But in the meantime we have some amazing news.
(No I am pregnant as every second person tells me I will be shortly. FYI, that's a load of rubbish. Statistically it's simply not true but as all good suburban legends go, everyone knows someone who knows someone who fell pregnant right after adopting. I am not saying it's impossible and one of the blogs I follow had that happen, but statistically it's unlikely. However, I digress.)

Someone close to me know shall remain nameless but is close (wink wink) has offered to be an egg donor for us! Seriously? How unbelievably incredible and amazing. Their generosity astounds me. Although to be honest I would do the same for them. We are close. So anyway!!!! We start the treatment in...pause...January! Yes January that is NEXT month!

In guess the obvious question is how do we feel about treatment and God? because enough Christians have issues with IVF let alone egg donor IVF cycles. So I though I would lay out what we think for what it's worth. But before I do I feel very very strongly that each of us has to go to God in prayer and seek His Face with regards to treatment. What some people feel is ok may not be ok for others. Each of us has to stand before God one day and give an account for the decisions that we have made.
And so we take this very seriously as I would like to be standing before God and hear "Well done good and faithful servant", not "So let's talk about the decisions you made with regard to fertility treatment...!"
I am also not trying to justify the decisions that we have made. We are more than happy that we have prayed and fasted and sought God on this. But I think as someone who has a blog on infertility and is Christian, I owe an explanation of our decision making.

There are several high profile organisations that are against IVF. For the reason (so I believe with the research that I have done) that not all embryos are used in some cases by some couples. Some are frozen, remain frozen and are never given the chance at life. In the States there are millions of frozen embryos and most will be discarded. These organisations believe that these little clusters of cells are life and have the right to a chance at life. We agree. We did IVF with the proviso that we would use each and every embryo no matter how many we got. Unfortunately my body does not produce good quality eggs and so we never had the chance to even freeze any. But we made the choice before we started any cycles at all.

When you get to an egg donor cycle, these organisations are off the chart in terms of disapproval!
They do not agree with donor sperm or donor eggs. And I am not saying whether they are right or wrong. They are well respected and everyone is entitled to their opinion. We would only do this with a close relation for obvious reasons. The same reasons that we will only have an open adoption. The child has the right to knowledge and a relationship with their biological heritage and family. (Please understand that I am not passing judgement on those who may be reading and have done anonymous sperm or egg donor cycles. This is only the decision making process that we went through with God and is specific to us) So as this is the case for us, we are happily accepting with very grateful hearts! Extremely grateful hearts!

This is rather a long post just to say that we have more treatment coming up! But one that is worth an explanation I think. We have always pursued 3 options for a family, a miracle (come on God!), treatment and adoption. I have come to realise that we are not going to have a "normal" family and we are more than fine with it. We are grateful and thankful that God chose us to parent our little boy and are grateful and thankful for the opportunity for more treatment.

Thank you Jesus

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