Monday, November 30, 2009

Life is just not fair

Just brought to tears (again) at the thoughts expressed in one of the blogs I follow. This sweet girl's pain just screams out of the page at facing another Christmas without children.

I know that pain so well. Facing the start of yet another year without a baby. Looking back at a year that just involved pain and heart break. Everybody around us celebrating the season and all we wanted to do was crawl into a hole.

Yes I know God is not fair, He is just and glorious (and amazing). And we live in a fallen world with the consequences of having freedom of choice. And we were never promised an easy ride through life and one day this will all be made right.

But for the couples waiting that is cold comfort sometimes to be honest. And I just weep at their pain and wish life was fair. They are incredible couples who would make amazing parents. And we have babies being born so easily who are neglected and abused and unwanted.

I wish life was fair.

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Friday, November 27, 2009

The Great Candy Exchange

Mine arrived! Woohoo! My heart did a happy leap as I opened the mail box.... there were my packages. Yes, I got TWO!

My partner is Froggity and she is super generous! Thanks Froggity- I love it ALL. I have started on the Charlston chews as they have chocolate (winner) and nougat (double winner). All I can say is YUM!

I have no intention of sharing anything but both my sisters read my blog so I set this aside for them....

Ok, ok, this then?

Haha! Happy! Oh Gail, I got suckers (lollipops) filled with tootsie roll! And because I had no idea what tootsie rools are I looked it up on Wikipedia...

Tootsie Roll is a brand of chewy candy, manufactured from an ersatz form of chocolate, that have been manufactured in the United States since 1896. They are one of the best-selling candies in the world.[1] The manufacturer, Tootsie Roll Industries, is based in Chicago, Illinois.

I better pace myself or the little bean will be having a mega sugar high.....

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Thursday, November 26, 2009

I can do this!

My life is big. Gorgeously expansive and stretching- oh wait, isn't that just my body (hehe!) I started a design company as I have mentioned many times. It's wonderful and God annointed and fulfils my life mandate of looking after the widows and orphans. God is blessing us and the jobs are coming through at a steady trickle. I love it.

But I never wanted it.

The reason is the client contact. Design is one of those professions where you need to get in someone's face and talk. No problem. Except for managing my little boy. I get called to go to a meeting tomorrow at this time. No problem I say, hang up and hyperventilate. Managing this all around him is really hard. I am truly blessed with my INCREDIBLE sister who invites me to drop Rupi off whenever and she looks after him. It's still incredibly hard though managing a fluid business with no set times and routines and trying to be a Mommy and run a home. Please hear me I am not complaining, it's just the reality of this is a little (ok,a lot) overwhelming at times.

I started reading Zechariah this morning...with the help of a commentary as I am not that holy OR intelligent to do it alone and the words spoke right to me.

We think when we return to/ or enter the promised land that life will be easy. Now that we have the promise life will fall into place. The promised land will be flowing with milk and honey and all we have to do is sit back and reap the rewards of holding fast. We think that we have done the hard work by enduring through the wilderness exile. That place where we waited and prayed and fasted and wept. The place where we looked at the promised land with such longing and imagined what it would be like. And though it’s incredible it needs a lot of work. It needs us to engage and put our backs to the wheel.

The people in Zechariah (Zech 1: 1-6) thought like me. They were faithful to God during their long captivity and held onto God’s promise of deliverance. Finally break though came and they entered the promised land. They came home. God saw them and rescued them. But like me they expected life to be easy in the promised land. They expected that everything would be in place and they could just relax and sit back. After all wasn’t that their reward for their faithfulness? Silly foolish people and silly foolish me.

The promised land is hard work. There is a lot of work to do and all of it is hard. Harder than we thought it would be. In Zechariah’s time after 70 years the people were living in a desolate land just waiting. They were meant to unite and build and build and build. A lesson to me.

This IS the promised land. I am living in the land of blessing. My days in the wilderness are over and break through has come.

It is a LOT harder than I thought. God has a plan for me and it does not involve sitting on my bum. I have a lot to do. I am raising a child and will be raising two next year. Alongside this is a business which is God ordained. This means hard work. Hard work managing children and a house and a business. I have the capacity and what capacity I don’t have, God does. He lifts me up when I am tired and overwhelmed.

I am not sure where I thought break through meant rest and doing very little. That expectation has nearly de-railed me at times and I need to let it go. This is hard work- end of story. Blessed, anointed, fun, crazy, grace-filled work.

And with God, I can do it!

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Saturday, November 21, 2009

Happiness is

I am just so happy.

My hubbie did some thing so wonderful this morning for Rupi but I am not allowed to share just yet. It's KILLING me. However as I am always respectful and submissive (ahem) I am obeying. He's incredible and makes me so happy.

Rupi and I had morning tea together at one of fav places in the whole world- Starbucks, while waiting for my hubbie. Yes I know, I know, Starbucks is a global coffee house and the coffee may not be up to every one's standard but it makes me SO happy! AND! The Gingerbread Latte is back!!!! I wait all year in anticipation and when it arrives round Christmas time, it makes me all happy and glow-y on the inside.

My amazing hubbie sorted out a family tangle this morning. Crazy stuff. Only he could do it. I was in awe as he stood firm, spoke the truth and took the lead with his immediate family. Love him and love God in him. He makes me so happy- again!

I have a bump!!!! I am overwhelmed that I have one. I have waited 7 years to expand out the front and despite the (many many) doomsayers, I am loving every moment! I feel great again and just love my sticky-out tummy.

I am so happy!

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My my....

what a BIG boy!

From this....

To this!

And with a snip of the scissors (and lots of tears) we left the hairdressers officially a toddler!

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Sunday, November 15, 2009

14 weeks and 0 days

14 weeks today! Woohoo! My hubbie put his finger on it when he said "It all feels solid now" We are past the nail biting anxiety of the first trimester and are well into the second trimester. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???? I obviously can't at times!

I posted my candy off for the Great Candy Exchange but can't show what I posted as I had to do some last minute changes at the postshop when my 1.5kg of sweets cost the earth to send. So my photos are out of date! I had to ask the man behind the counter to repeat himself at the amount.... so some swopping occurred as I was not willing to let go of the two big bars of Whittakers chocolate I had in the stash. It's chocolate, people, and jolly near the best there is! Lucky I had spare packets of sweets on me (well, I couldn't buy for Froggity and not for myself now could I?) I got it down to 1.2kg and left it at that. There's only so much compromising a girl can do.

I also haven't posted about Rupi's first birthday party. It was a very awkward occasion and this is partly my fault. I really wanted both the birth mum and birth dad there as I know how much it will mean to Rupi one day to know they came. So I asked both and bless their hearts, they both came. But all the emotion, the grief and history meant that the two groups could not mix and so we ping ponged between the groups with Rupi in tow. Who had not had an afternoon nap and was very very grumpy.

We couldn't spend time with our family and friends and luckily they all amused themselves. The thick tension in the air was hard to miss, except by Mr G, Simoney's husband who finally figured out what was happening as they were leaving. Men.... God bless them and their ability to ignore vibes. Imagine a world of only women- horror!

We got some lovely photos anyway and this will fade to a distant memory. My hubbie is adamant though that the next time we inflict this torture on all concerned will be Rupi's fifth birthday!
The gathering of awkwardness

My Dad, Rupi and me

My Mom and Rupi

My MIL, Rupi and my hubbie

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Monday, November 9, 2009

So yes!

It's out and everyone knows now. Feels great. Not so great that the news will really hurt some bloggie friends that I love. Praying for some special girls and their hearts.

We saw the little 7.5cm bean today and he/ she was so active. Barely kept still enough to get a good picture! But it's all good so far. The scan person (no idea of title!) said that the bean was picture perfect and that's good enough for me. I was desperate to see the heartbeat and she was so lovely. Put the scannie thing on my tum and 3 seconds later said "heartbeat!" We had not even made sense of the monitor yet. She was so nice.

So here he/ she is!

I cannot believe that this little bean is inside me! Infertile, barren girl! Honestly if it can happen to me it can truly happen to anyone.

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Saturday, November 7, 2009

The big white elephant

It's getting harder to blog normally and not talk about the pregnancy. Well, the last two milestones are nearly over. Today at Rupi's birthday party we'll tell the birth parents (gulp) and on Monday I have the 13 week scan.

It's been very quiet on the bump front and I have been a tad concerned. Plus I have been feeling really good since about 11 weeks and my energy levels have got back up again. I also feel less hormonal and more rational. To top it off my bump went down a bit but I thought that maybe it was because the tummy tissue wasn't bruised and swollen from the heparin injections anymore....

Anyway I didn't want to worry my hubbie so spoke to my Mom about it. She assured me it's ok and normal. Great! Today and yesterday I have felt achy and "drag-y" in my pelvis again. Also great and things are moving and happening. So the scan should be ok.

I should just blog about it and maybe I will. We told family that they could tell people and my mother in law (bless her Jesus, bless her) sent an email out to THE WHOLE WORLD. Including a Danish student who stayed with her about 6 years ago.... hello? He's pleased apparently. Being a private person this is quite overwhelming.

So really it would be good to get rid of this white elephant in the room that fills my whole vision!

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