Life is just not fair

Just brought to tears (again) at the thoughts expressed in one of the blogs I follow. This sweet girl's pain just screams out of the page at facing another Christmas without children.

I know that pain so well. Facing the start of yet another year without a baby. Looking back at a year that just involved pain and heart break. Everybody around us celebrating the season and all we wanted to do was crawl into a hole.

Yes I know God is not fair, He is just and glorious (and amazing). And we live in a fallen world with the consequences of having freedom of choice. And we were never promised an easy ride through life and one day this will all be made right.

But for the couples waiting that is cold comfort sometimes to be honest. And I just weep at their pain and wish life was fair. They are incredible couples who would make amazing parents. And we have babies being born so easily who are neglected and abused and unwanted.

I wish life was fair.

Infertile world vs fertile world

Oh Lordy. This blog really and truly tells it how it is. You know, the news. The big announcement that makes you howl in pain, then in guilt as you just can't feel the way you should. The big pregnancy announcement. In fact I am so good at predicting them that I can tell when someone is going to tell me they are pregnant. People have been astounded at my second guessing them before the words are out their mouths. ESP if I believed in it. Super duper defence mechanism more like it! Because somehow it hurts less if I say before they do- yup, strange but true.

Here's an excerpt from the post:

Dear Infertile Abby,I just found out that I'm seven weeks pregnant! My husband and I are thrilled and shocked! It was a complete surprise. We weren't even trying. My issue is that I have a very good friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a very long time and is going through infertility treatments. What's the best way to share my news with her? I think it's best that they hear the news from us in private. We're thinking of inviting them over for dinner and telling them then. Thanks,Fertile Fran

Dear Fertile Fran,Are you high? It's called e-mail. If you don't have a computer, it's called a phone. Your friend's probably going to cry and doesn't feel like doing it in front of you and your husband. It'll just make her feel like a shmuck.Take care,Infertile Abby

Now here's the thing. I get what fertile people are thinking. I do. I really do. In their head, they have this vision of a sit-down where they gently and thoughtfully share the news of their pregnancy and then maybe place a hand on the infertile's knee, tell us how they know it will happen for us and that God has a plan for us or something to that effect. They think we'd be crushed to hear the news from someone else rather than directly from the source. And e-mail or phone? Instant message? No way! In most other situations, it's considered tacky or rude to share big news in these manners.

I understand where you're coming from and that you have good intentions. I really truly do.But here's the thing. You're wrong. I hate to break it to you, but for 99% of infertile people, you're wrong. Let's change the scenario a little bit because infertility is something that is so difficult to connect with unless it's touched your own life. Let's talk about homes. Most everybody can understand that your home is your safe haven, a place where you find comfort. It's filled with memories. Most of us put a lot of effort into creating a home. Now imagine my house just burned down. Or that I lost my home to foreclosure. You, on the other hand, have just sealed the deal on your custom-built McMansion. You're understandably thrilled. You want to shout your news from the rooftops. And that's cool. I'd want share it with the world, too.

However, would you invite me over to share the news with me personally? Do I have to hear your news right before I sit down to enjoy a meal with you? A meal that maybe I was looking forward to as a nice distraction and a chance to get away from the stress of dealing with losing my home? It doesn't seem so important, or even appropriate, that I hear the news directly from the horse's mouth, does it? In fact, maybe it would be better to hear it from someone I'm close with like my sister or my mom.

Because I'm probably going to get upset. I'm not getting upset because I don't think you deserve your dream home or don't want you to have it. It's not personal (most of the time). But my first, second, maybe even third emotion is probably not going to be happiness for you. It's sadness for myself. Your joy is a reminder that I'm in the process of losing a dream. Your news is a reminder that I am broken. Your granted wish is a reminder of my unanswered prayers.

Please stop telling us your news in person. It hurts us. Not because we don't love you. Because we do and we don't our pain to take away from any part of your joy. So give us a little time. Please. Send us the e-mail or give us a ring. And then give us some time. We really are happy for you. It's just that, for many of us, our dreams are now ashes scattered around our feet.

Here's the rub (it's me, I am back! In case the change in slanty versus straight writing didn't give you a hint) these people love us. And often have no idea how to relate, tell news or even talk to us. So other than telling those we love (which still doesn't protect us from those we know casually) I am not sure how we protect ourselves. Maybe we just don't and try to live with grace. Dunno. The post was good though!!!!

Argh...

Sunday we had a baby dedication. Which is normally enough to send us screaming for the hills... One of my closest friends is our senior pastors PA and she normally lets me know when they are on and we avoid morning church on the day. Sad but true...

But this one snuck right in and before we knew it, it was too late. It was interesting as it didn't hurt as much as usual, because of our adoption, but still did a bit. And I was glad that it did because I never want to forget this pain.

But then the person leading the dedication asked all the parents to stand so they could be prayed for. And THAT hurt. It was like we had a giant ""L" for loser on our foreheads and it was agnoy. I looked at my hubby and he had tears in his eyes. He whispered "It hurts huh?" to me. My heart just ached.

Why do we do that? Why do we single groups of people out knowing that when we do there are people we are leaving out?

I made a decision. I will never ever stand up. Not ever. I have been at church when married couples are asked to stand for prayer. How does that make all the many many single girls feel? And I know how much it hurts when parents are asked to stand up.

Now I am all for honour. I love to honour those who do a great job, our pastors, leaders, Moms and Dads, servers etc etc. We need to acknowledge and honour people around us.

How do we do that without causing pain to others? There must be a way. We must be able to love and honour and respect and not make others want to crawl into a hole.... until I figure that out, I am not standing up when singled out, just so that others don't feel like we have.

More than me

Infertility can be isolating and lonely. It's a painful journey at times. As a couple we have learned to hold on tight to weather the storms and pull together. But it also affects those around us. They carry our pain too and also ask questions of God. My darling Mom confided that she really questions God about this and I realised that it truly affects others. Close family and friends are also walking through infertility and this is their journey as much as ours. I think that's important to remember and even though we are the ones without a baby, our parents are without their grandchildren and our siblings without their niece/ nephew.

This affects your ability to relate to people, especially pregnant girls and couples with new borns. Something in me closes down, no matter how hard I try to relate and "be normal" and it's just so hard and painful to hear about the baby and pregnancy. My longing must be like a neon sign post on my face and I just want to cry with yearning.

This journey requires immense patience from those who love us. Sometimes they can't take it and walk away from the relationship- in a way, who can blame them? But there are others who hold tight and hang in there. Who hold on during the times we can't connect and decide in their hearts to love us anyway.

There aren't words to describe these people. But, being me, of course I will try! They are pure gold, priceless and unconditional in love. Infertility hurts them too as they weather the times when we are hurting. To me they reflect Christ's love.

We are so blessed to have people like this around us. And in the bloggersphere I want to tell Meg that she is one. We love you always Megs and you are priceless to us. Thank you for always loving us, you are incredible.
*****update 10.08.08
Simony you are one too. Thank you for always loving us and carrying our burden. Thank you for always trying to relate. Love you xx

Aaron's oil

It's amazing how often we think we are walking alone through life and are the only ones feeling the way we do. We somehow think that even though others face similar things to us, that they somehow deal with it differently. Maybe they don't question or doubt like we do. Maybe their faith is stronger and bigger and ours is weak and brittle for thinking the way we do. I have heard it said that it's a tool of the enemy to isolate us and make us think that we are alone.

But we are not alone in what we face and how we react and feel about it. Others face similar trials and journeys and it is so incredible to find that we are not alone in dealing with them the way we do.

One of my favourite God lover girls, Angie, writes about Moses and how his sister Miriam pushed Moses' basket out into the river. She pushed it out with faith and God came through. Moses was rescued by the daughter of Pharaoh. I can't write the story like Angie has and anyway, it's her revelation. I encourage you to read it.

She described exactly how I feel. How it feels when God doesn't come through in the way you hope. I know what it feels like to be standing in the river having pushed my basket out and God seemingly hasn't come through. My basket just disappeared around the bend in the river....

Again though Angie comes back to the truths that we know. The truth that God has been whispering in my ear constantly since the 29 June. The truths are not that I am infertile and the loss of my Da is irredeemable. The truth is that God knows how I feel and the pain I experience. He loves me, and you, and will not forsake us.

God gave me another picture this week of what we are going through. Sorry if this is a little weird but God often speaks to me in pictures. I saw huge blocks pressing down into one another with incredible force. The pressure of the blocks bearing down was creating oil. It seeped from under the bottom block. It was a picture of our lives at the moment and God said "the oil that dripped down Aaron's beard". I had no idea what this meant and after speaking to someone was directed to Leviticus to investigate further. Leviticus 8: 10 -13 (and Exodus 29)

Aaron was anointed with oil as part of his consecration to serve God in the tabernacle. He was the priest and after washing and dressing, oil was poured over his head which dripped down onto his beard. The oil signified a setting apart, dedicating or consecrating. It was one of the things that was done to make him clean enough to enter the tabernacle and serve God.

So the pressure we are under is making oil in our lives which is setting us apart. It's the process of consecration. That is amazing but to be real, I wish it wasn't quite so hard. This honestly leaves us breathless at times. But I think that's ok, it's ok to wish it wasn't so hard. I am learning to move beyond my performance addiction and not worry about being ok.

God is moving as He moves in all our lives. To know that is enough for now. We are within His purpose and His plan. I know that He loves me and I love Him. Even if I can't react in the normal way I do, He knows I love Him. And I am cherished.

Jesus knows....

One of my amazing friends is miscarrying for the second time. As with my beloved Da’s death the question “why?” is a heartfelt cry. But for us as humans living in a fallen world many of our “whys” will never be answered and each “why” reveals another hundred “whys” behind it.
Why does God allow us to suffer through infertility and miscarriage? Why do people die too soon? I just don’t know.

As I seek I find that there are no answers but Jesus and the cross. Its true God does not always spare us but he didn’t spare Himself either. He sent part of Himself, His one and only Son and experienced pain and anguish and suffering. The God of heaven humbled Himself and became one of us. So when I cry out to the heavens I know that there is a God who knows. Who understands how I feel and grieve. That really helps me. I have no answers or fancy revelation but I know that God knows.

God doesn’t enjoy watching us suffer. I admit that I have wondered if He does in the darker parts of our valley. But when I read how Jesus reacted to human suffering and how deeply He was moved when He encountered suffering, I know that He suffers when we do. He knows what it’s like to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

The High Priest Who Cried Out in Pain
14-16Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.
Hebrews 4: 15 (NLT)

Suffering and pain reveal Jesus. I am more in love with Jesus now than ever before through what we walk through. Somehow this journey allows me to see more and more of Jesus. The only time in the four gospels Jesus is addressed as God directly by the disciples, is when Thomas saw the wounds inflicted by Jesus’ suffering (end of John). Jesus’ suffering reveals Himself. Likewise my suffering reveals Jesus and I see Him more clearly.

Does this make living now easier? Yes it does. It’s of immense comfort to me that God knows. I wish my friend’s tiny baby was safe in her. I wish my Da was here. But still I know that God knows what its like to be me here, wishing for a perfect world.

Waiting for the dawn

Again really comforted by Angie's blog...

I have spent a lot of time crying in the last few days, and I would love to ask for your prayers. I know that this season (and many more to come) will have peaks and valleys. It's just that when you are in the valley, you feel like you won't ever come out. I think one of Satan's greatest schemes is making us feel hopeless because we don't have the strength to climb again. He doesn't want us to believe that God is our rescuer, that He can carry us. He wants us to feel like God doesn't see us, doesn't know how weak we are. He wants us to believe that our Father has left us, cold and without comfort. No flowers, no blanket, no parent. Just the night sky and the sound of silence. I know it isn't true, but I want to say it because I'm sure there are others who feel this way, and I want you to know that I understand.
from audreycaroline@blogspot.com

At the moment there is no comfort as we sit at the bottom of this dark crevasse and hope for the dawn. But I know that this will pass and I will be able to feel God's loving touch and the sun of joy and laughter again.

I felt this after the miscarriage and so I have been in this place before. It's cold and dark and silent. But here we have to rely on faith and what we have learnt. That God is faithful and His promises are yes and amen.

When God's promises seem empty and the words He has placed in my heart seem like my own imagination I have to remember what He has done. That He is faithful and He will rescue us. That I am cherished and loved.
That somehow this is our year of Jubilee. Even though the natural tells me that there is no way this could possibly be our year of Jubilee and in fact this is the worst year yet, I have to choose faith. That He is faithful and His promises are yes and amen.

Again Angie expresses my heart...

I will leave you with a verse that God has brought to me many times in the last few days, and it has brought me great peace. I hope it does the same for you.

“The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17

The week that was

Well, here we are. Not even a week on. It was today a week ago that my Da was here. In fact this time last Sunday he was with us. Can't really dwell on that too much. We are still in shock I think and are struggling to accept that what has happened is real.


I know this blog is about infertility but this eclipses our childlessness for now. The thing I struggle with the most is that he will never know our children. They will never know what it's like to be wrapped up in his arms and made to feel safe and loved. He was adopted and so was going to help make adoption ok for our children and help them understand that an adopted family is the same and better. The pain of the loss of that wisdom is hard to describe.


His Kelly dog went to be with him today. She was so old and knew her beloved Dad was not around, we think she gave up.

I thank God for the total peace and utter conviction that he is with Jesus. I don't know what we would have done if we did not know that. How do I know that? I don't know but last Monday I just knew. It was a word deep in my heart. Our Da came along to church and we'd had significant conversations and asked him to keep his heart open to God during this time. He said he would and his heart was so soft.

God has been merciful- we both got to tell him that we loved him. It was the last thing we both said to him. I put my arms around him and told him I loved him. And the boys got to spend one last weekend up at the bach (beach house) with him the weekend before.

And I know that God is in control. We are not angry and we don't even have questions, we just have this gaping hole in our lives and we don't understand. This hurts so bad and we don't understand. I got sent these verses from a beloved friend last week and I have been holding onto them.

The Lord rules over the floodwaters.
The Lord reigns as king forever.
The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace. Psalm 29: 10 and 11

We don't understand but we know that God is in control. This seems as if it is so wrong and cannot make sense, but God is enthroned over this. He is in control.

My Dad

I believe that He is your healer. That the prayers we prayed for you were answered and you are in heaven with Jesus whole and healed. God came through, just not in the way our human hearts hoped and longed for. But I know that you are free, free from pain, free to go for long walks along heaven's shores looking for the perfect fishing hole.

You have left a hole in our lives that only God can fill. We miss you every moment. We love you so much. Words can't describe how much we love you.

The unthinkable

The unthinkable has happened. My beloved Da, my father-in-law passed away suddenly on Sunday night. His heart could not take the strain of chemo. Our world has imploded and it's unthinkable to think that he won't be in our future. The thing that we could not bear is here.

We love you Dad

We love that our family revolved around you

We love that you made our family a safe haven for us

We love that you fathered the fatherless

We love that you cared for the widows in our street

We love that you believed in our dreams

We love you with all our hearts

Living with no skin

It's been ages since I posted! Mostly because I have been struggling for equilibrium. It's been so frustrating as I find that this journey is like a yo-yo. I go from being pain free and dancing among the daisies to a place where it hurts to breathe. And seemingly in the blink of an eye.

We have had a rough couple of weeks and last Sunday was the worst. We went to the opening of my Fertility Clinic, which I designed (a long amazing story for another time)- Lord Robert Winston was there who did Child of our Time series on TV. As we were the only part of the project team invited, we went. It was awful- they had invited lots of IVF babies who romped around the room. Their IVF success only highlighted our IVF failure. We had no idea all the children and happy Mommy's would be there..... we went home, got into our PJs, into bed and wept in each others arms.

Hence my extreme frustration! I thought having emotional breakthrough would mean that I live pain free! That this would never bother me again and I would be able to live a life as if this wait and journey to Motherhood didn't bother me at all. I long to please Him and "do this journey well"!

God very gently started challenging some of my expectations and understanding of Him this week and although it hasn't made it less painful, it's really helped me free myself from my own expectations. I love how gentle He is with this mad A-type personality of mine, as I just need to think He's rebuked me and I say "hold on God, I'll whip my back for you and double my own load in repentance...!" Like he's ever like that..!

Here's my thinking;
"Is God as pleased with me when I am not "doing well" as when I am? And should I even call my times of heartache and pain "not doing well?"
In my head doing well is being able to live this time in trust and acceptance and joy. Not doing well is living in pain, frustration and tears and not being able to be around babies and pregnancy without pain. The question is, is doing well and not doing well as description from God or from me?

So what about pleasing God? Do I please Him only when I live up to my expectations? It seems that that would be works based and not grace based. The only way I can not please God is by sinning. So am I sinning when I an "not doing well"? I am in pain but I still trust Him and accept this journey... and being in pain is not sinning. So I have to say that I am not sinning.
So maybe I please God in times of good and times of pain. When my heart breaks is God still near? Do I still love and trust Him? Yes- it just hurts a lot!

So at the moment we are in pain. Life really hurts. It feels like we have no skin on and every touch and encounter with a baby related situation hurts. Are we pleasing God? Well, I am still here seeking Him, my heart is not bitter and I am trying to stay open and trusting.... so I have to say that I am pleasing Him.

Maybe there is no "doing well" and "not doing well". Maybe there is just living life with it's ups and downs. Maybe I please Him just because I am. Because He loves me, didn't have one of me and so created one of me.

My revelation this week is that I please Him in times of good and in times of heartache. And it's ok to hurt because we are people with hearts and emotion. We long for the desires of our hearts, which are good God given desires. And I know that this little season will pass and there will be a pain free season to follow- and that's ok.

Our Living Revelation

This month I thought I had my miracle. The signs were so good, unlike any other month I can remember. But this morning I found that this month would be like any other. I was in traffic on the way home behind my amazing friend Sarah who knew what my day had brought. She jumped out of her car at a red light, ran back to my car and handed me a CD and said the words "track 5". I found this incredible song that spoke to my circumstance and it exhorted me. As I played it over and over on the way home my whole vision, heart, mind and soul filled with Jesus.
The song was an exhortation to me that this time it's not a time to give into the disappointment and hurt. Not this time. This time it's time to exhort my soul to lift up and see Jesus.
"You are our living revelation
You found my lock and turned your key
Opened up every dream in me……You are eternal salvation"
He holds my dreams and they are safe. He opens them up in me so I can trust Him with my life, its twists and turns. And He found me, just ordinary me, and saved me. He picked me to love.
So beloved, I exhort you with the gentleness of someone who is walking alongside you through this journey. Lift up your soul, like David in the Psalms, who exhorted his soul to lift up and see God.
"We give you all the honour all the glory all the praise
The name of Jesus saves"

Yes there is a time to give into the pain, but there is also a time to just see Jesus. Not overcome or fight or struggle, but let His Grace wash over you and lift you up. Just see Him, He picked you to love as he picked me.
So this time for me "No one could steal away this light inside of me" The hurt can wait until tomorrow or next week but this is my moment to "cry Jesus" just like this incredible song says and let His Grace fix the brokenness.

Song by C3 "Eternal Salvation" from the album "for Your Glory" "

Jesus knows

I love catching glimpses of the humanity of Jesus as I read about His life. As He was 100% God He was 100% human and He truly knows what it's like to be me.

This of such comfort after I miscarried on Christmas Day 2005. I was reading the account of the crucifixion and I saw that Jesus cried out to God in the middle of His suffering.
At about three o'clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Matthew 27: 46

Even Jesus, the amazing and incredible Jesus, cried out as he suffered. He cried out to His father and asked "Why?" I love Jesus for that, for being human, for knowing what it's like to feel abandoned. For knowing with His head that God the Father is Sovereign and in control but crying out from the heart "Why? Why am I suffering? Why is this pain so bad?".

How incredible it is to have a Saviour who understands what it's like to walk the road of humanity. To understand that we long to serve God well, yet have human hearts that experience pain and falter at inopportune times! Jesus knows, Jesus understands truly what it's like to be me....thank you Jesus xxx

Mothers Day ouch

Warning, Mother's Day is coming this weekend! There's been lots of discussion on the Hannah's Prayer forum about it. What should we do and what does God expect us to do? One poor lady is the pastor (or preacher as she says) and as no-one knows about her infertility journey, she's facing preaching on Mother's Day morning...again...ouch. It seems as if Mothers Day is incredibly tough for mothers -to-be (in faith!) and it's harder than any other holiday/ celebration for me.

So what do you do? Go to church or not? Well, to be honest, I didn't go to morning church last year and am not planning to go this year either. I have sat in church with a smile nailed to my face as the mothers are invited to stand for a round of applause. Don't get me wrong, Mothers are incredible and more than deserve the moment of honour, it's recognition for the hard work and love they sow into their children. But for someone like me, it's like I have a giant red "L" for loser painted on my forehead at that moment. I want to crawl in a hole and die quietly.

So after much prayer, we are going to wake up on Mothers Day, have an incredible time with God and thank Him for our Mothers, snuggle up and watch DVDs on the couch and go into the afternoon services with bells on, celebrating God and His goodness to us.

Being me, I worry about what God thinks about not going to church. But I know that God understands me and loves me and weeps for my pain. And we just can't do this Sunday morning and you know what? That's ok. So I pray that you have a wonderful blessed day this Sunday however you choose to spend it xxxx

The grace I long for

More than anything I long for grace. The grace that is a gift from God Himself. The grace that I see on Todd and Angie Smith as they talk about the loss of their daughter less than a month after her death. It's a grace that doesn't deny the reality of what they face or the daily choice to trust God over their circumstance, but an incredible overflow of God's grace in the middle of their situation. God's grace enables us to face situations that are naturally so hard and lifts us above the emotion that try to drown us.
In the last two weeks both my sisters and one of my closest friends has given birth. Not one of those situation has allowed me to withdraw and protect myself emotionally. They are too close to me and deserve undiluted joy from me as they celebrate the births of their children. It's only God's grace that has given me the ability to walk into those situations with an open heart and celebrate. But I long for more grace, more of Him. I long for the grace I see on Todd and Angie and I pray God pours Himself out us.