Thursday, November 27, 2008

The absence of pain

It's been two weeks and 6 days since we brought our boy home. I am so grateful I could cry and frequently do (!) I marvel at the fact that I have a son and I (yes me- the "severely infertile" girl) is finally a Mommy.

My baby shower was everything I ever dreamed of and I got to thank all those people who have loved me, encouraged me and stood by me. It was completely overwhelming too and in a way I am glad it's over. It was such a huge milestone for me that to finally reach it was almost too much. It was not one of those light and fluffy baby showers but it was perfect. My hubbie made a DVD for me as a surprise with photos of the two of us of our years together and then photos of the 3 of us. There was sobbing... I am so blessed to have that man as my husband. Everyone really enjoyed celebrating with me and I loved it but now I want to move on.

The biggest change for me is the absence of pain. Pain was my constant companion over the last 6 years. Emotional pain and at times physical pain. I don't think I realised how much the pain affected me. I trusted God and opened my heart to Him and loved Him and trusted Him some more, but still life was incredibly painful. Almost every moment was filled with a reminder of what we did not have. I don't think I am alone in feeling this way. I didn't not trust enough or hold onto my dream too hard, the pain just was.
To be free of the pain makes me light headed. It's a bit like when you have a really bad headache and then after taking pain killers you realise the pain is suddenly gone. That feeling is almost euphoric- the absence of pain.

My friends have said that I even sound different and honestly when I look at photos pre and post our baby, I can see the freedom on my face. I now even laugh differently...! I never want to forget and somehow I don't think I will. I will always be mindful of those like me. In fact, I may have a son but I still want breakthrough in this body of mine, so I may not be done with pain yet.
I want to laugh, like Sarah, and sing like the barren woman, with a cluster of children at her knee.

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Friday, November 21, 2008

My moment

Tomorrow is my moment, the one I have dreamed of for 6 looong years. You know.....the baby shower.

There were times that were incredibly hard when it felt like my heart was ripped open and the dream of being a Mommy seemed like it would never happen. Those were the times I would day dream while driving about my baby shower. By faith I would imagine my baby shower- the thing that did not exist yet and had no reason (in the natural) to exist. I would drive with tears pouring down my face and give "the speech". The one where I give thanks to God Almighty for saving me from bitterness and resentment. Where I thank Him for not forsaking me when it seemed like He had. For remembering me so I too, like Sarah, could laugh. Laugh with joy at the favour and blessing of a child.

I have imagined my baby shower more times than I ever imagined my wedding. It has sustained me through such hard times. I think we each have a little thing we do to get us through- when we imagine the victory parade.

So tomorrow is my day, my baby shower. The actual baby shower is incidental. I don't really care what happens and to a degree, who is there. My speech is what matters because He will be there. He will be there in the room mingling, mixing, listening and to those who will hear, talking. I want to say thank you in front of the people who matter. Thank you to my Jesus, for remembering me. For blessing me. For not forsaking or forgetting me.

I want to say thank you. Thank you for my son.

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Monday, November 17, 2008

And one more because he's just so precious...

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Our news...

After a crazy week away from Auckland and enough drama and adventures to keep a soap opera going for a year, we finalised the adoption last Friday (14 November 2008).

My dream came true with a call from our social worker at 12.50pm, we were finally parents.

The joy is hard to describe and the relief is overwhelming. After 6 hard years we have a child. My gratitude to God above overflows. My friends say I am lighter and more free and its because we are just so happy.

My poor blog has suffered and this is short as my boy needs feeding...but more very soon.

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Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Bigger Picture

Been reading (I am a crazy avid reader who will read the back of a cereal box if I have nothing else to read..) "The Horse and His Boy" by C.S. Lewis. I am aware that it's a childrens book, but I was desperate!

Aslan the lion (oh hello Jesus!) keeps appearing and a lot of the time scares the pants off the characters. From their perspective He never seems to help them when they really need Him but just terrifies them. As the reader you can see the bigger picture. That Aslan is directing and moving and encouraging them. But the characters can't see it and feel abandoned and confused for a lot of the story.

Hmmm... sounds like someone I know. I am scared and confused and feel abandoned. But what am I missing about the bigger picture? I know there's one out there! And when we see it the misery that we endured for a night will fade to a bearable memory when we look back on it. My Aslan is directing and controlling this situation.

I feel like Shasta riding to get help through fog on a narrow trail. And there's someone or something running beside me but I can't see who it is because of the fog. I am scared but I have to trust that it's Jesus. I am not abandoned. Aslan is here, my Lion of Judah, my hero.

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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

He's born!

He's born! A beautiful baby boy, 5.520 kgs (yes that is 12 pounds 2 ounces!) on Monday night 3 November at 9.23pm. The birthmum called and said "get yourselves down here asap" and so we went yesterday morning to meet him.

Now I am not a baby kind of girl and generally think new borns are really ugly....but he's gorgeous. Can you see my melted heart? He's not squishy or red or wrinkled and is just plain beautiful. And he sucks his little fingers and makes a clicky noise...genius.

Meeting him was hard and there's no denying it. We felt awkward and out of place. Sort of like we were intruding. Not that anyone made us feel that way and everyone was so pleased to finally see us again. Even the nurses were so nice to us and welcomed us in.

Due to his size (I guess I better get used to the potential comments as he really does look like a 3 month old!) he was placed in a special care unit to monitor his blood sugar levels.

This place is like fort Knox and you have to be identified to get in. This one nurse knew our situation and was just so kind to us. She let us in with a cheery welcome and left us alone to have a precious special time alone with bubie. That was incredible and so kind. I guess we are not used to being treated with kindness due to the systems opinion of adoption and so kindness just stands out. So I got to sing with him and we prayed over him- it was just bliss. Needless to say he has captured our hearts!

And yet, life is not smooth for us and we had another road block from the social services (bless them Jesus, bless them...I will say it until my heart believes it)

We apparently should not have gone down so soon. We were not told this and were told that access after birth was fine... so another huge telling off from the social services. We really should be used to them by now I guess. Got our lawyer involved and packed up and came back home. I am going on more than I should but I just wish someone would speak to the birthmum about what she wants as all we are doing is following her wishes...

So here we are at home again trying to be positive. My hubbie is incredible and has handled all the various parties beautifully. My lion xxxx. I was a mess yesterday as what started out with such joy turned to custard and was so all tears and sniffles (you know, the ugly giant heaving sniffles) At least we were in a hospital where such behaviour is kind of normal, I guess.

We are meeting with the social services this week to work out "a visiting plan" so will take it as it comes.

When I asked God how we would cope all He said is that He has built strength into us for this time. I would just (quite selfishly I admit) like to not be strong for once and just have an easy perfect run through this. But I guess it comes back to what is unconditional. I have said time and again to God that I want my love for Him to be unconditional. And this is where unconditional rubber hits the road, so to speak. Even though this is a mess and nothing ever seems to work out for us, does my love for Him depend on Him doing things for me? Regardless of how hard this is I have to be able to say "no". That despite the mess I will love and honour and serve. Ouch.

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