shredded

This weekend we had our annual church conference, Shout. It was beyond amazing. With Israel Houghton and New Breed, Russell Evans, Reggie Dabbs. Ah-mazing.

But what took it beyond amazing was that Jesus showed up. And shredded me.

Jesus be the centre of it all

From beginning to the end

It will always be

It's always been you Jesus

We sang this with Israel and New Breed. And on resurrection Sunday it resonates.

Happy Easter!

Doing happy

God is good, right? He is control. And I am leaning back in that knowledge right now.

Simoney's latest post recommends the Shack. Awesome book and I need to reread it. The thing is that God does see. Nothing happens on this earth that He does not see. And I guess what that "seeing" means is only He knows. In Africa when someone greets you and says that they see you, it means more than mere sight. It means that they acknowledge you and are honoring your place there in that moment and space.

God says he Sees. Who am I to assume that when He sees it is only sight?

I can imagine what that moment was like for that little girl. What she went through and what she felt. But really I am putting my own spin on it and the words framing that experience are tainted by the teller. By their brokenness and experience. And I read those words and then put my own experience around those words too. Until the essence of that experience is shaded with so many tones of grey.

The only truth is the Truth.

I was not there.

So I do not know.

God says that he has our name written on the palm of His Hands (Isaiah 49:16). That we are loved beyond compare (Song of Songs 3: 12-15).

So I choose happy. I am loved and secure. I am blessed.

Fail

I failed in seeing and acting on a beautiful collision God set up for me last night. And I am utterly gutted. Not condemned, just gutted.

I did the groceries last night round 7pm. As I was walking around the supermarket I kept noticing this duo. A teenager boy and a younger boy. They were obviously not well off and really loud. You know how kids can sometimes be. Obnoxiously loud, banging into things with their empty trolleys and generally being a pain. I tried to avoid them but kept bumping into them.

I noticed the older boy holding frozen chicken and banging it against the cabinet. They had almost nothing in their trolley. I slid my trolley away from the noise quickly and went the other way.

Oh my heart just breaks writing these words and I can't help crying. They had NO money and I think the older boy was trying to buy food for them. Why didn't I open my judgemental heart and truly SEE?

They "landed" (hello God) up behind me in the checkout queue. I tried not to make eye contact. As my groceries were tallied up the younger boy came right into my space so he would see my total on the screen. He kept saying things like "Wow, that's a lot!", then "Look it's getting higher!" etc. All in a really loud voice and I was so embarrassed.

I wanted to pay for their groceries but what did I do? Stay embarrassed and kept quiet. I KNEW I should have done it but didn't. Funnily enough I had cash in my purse and I never do as we are a cashless culture. I thought about offering them the cash but what did I do? A big fat nothing.

I left and felt physically ill on the way home. This is my life's call. To provide for the fatherless, the husband-less and the poor. And I knew that this was a beautiful collision set up for me to provide for two of God's beloved boys. And I failed. I am beyond gutted.

I am sharing this not to get comforting comments back. But to be accountable. If I can't SEE with the little I have now, I won't be trusted to see with much.

I know that God is the God of the second chances but this was my moment. To see beyond my embarrassment and open my heart. And I didn't.



;

Selfless

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

As Christians we talk on and on about God's love. Sometimes it gets a bit ho-hum. Sort of loses itself.

But when I stop to think about it, truly think, it takes my breath away. God's love is like a fire, all consuming. And like a fire, it's unstoppable. It burns through boundaries, walls and stumbling blocks. It literally sets the world on fire.

Only with that kind of love could He contemplate allowing His son to die for others. For us, you and me. I have to admit, I could not let Rupi die for someone else. Even thinking that makes me cringe. The hard ugly truth is that I simply could not.

But He did. And Jesus willingly allowed Himself to be nailed to a piece of wood so you and I could know Him.

It blows my mind.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so selfless and so loving.

I tried.

I love this blog. This girl has suffered. And her hurting helped my hurting. Her honesty carried me through at times.

The final line on this post resonates in me. ...and I will know that I tried with my all.

That's all I want. To know that I have tried with my all. This season is hard and stretching. Running a small business and raising small children means constant evaluation. Making room for so much means letting so much go.

I long for Him. I may not talk about my God a lot but He is always on my mind. I long to hear the wrods "well done good and faithful servant" one day. And I want to tell Him that I gave it my all. Everything I had. Most times it wasn't enough and often it was so little, but I give it my all.

I love to imagine meeting Him for coffee. At my happy place. He's big and solid and kind-of reassuring in presence. We get our coffee- me a tall soy mocha and him a venti long black. No sugar thanks. The boy serving us wonders why this giant of a man makes him feel so safe and this brings him to tears that he hides behind the coffee machine.

We wander over to the banquet seating and we sit down. I sit beside Him and get as close to Him as I physically can. I imagine Him ewaring a thick wool coat that feels warm and scratchy when I rest my cheek against His arm.

We sip our coffee not saying anything. I can feel Him just waiting for me. There's no rush, He will wait for me. Tears thicken my throat and well up inside me. There's so much I want to say but the most important words that come out are "I gave it my all, Jesus. I tried."

I am weak and so very mortal. I am broken and extremely tired. But I want to know that I gave it my all. That I loved Him beyond measure and that, for Him, I tried.

Sweet Mary

As a wife and homemaker (and type-A driven personality) Christmas falls on my shoulders. As does any other celebration and preparing for it. I think it's just what women do and while I am not complaining I have been feeling the burden of it.

In between work and bringing up children and running a house, I have 5 million "things to do". List after list of gifts, planning and doing. I am running around so much I have not given a thought to the reason behind what this season is.


So today I stopped and thought. And spent time with Him. Mr Special- I heart Him so much.

I thought of Mary. Sweet precious Mary. Right now many years ago she would have looked like this.

Heavy. And lumbering. Like I felt here. Right now she was preparing. Not only for a birth but for a journey. A long and arduous journey. And when you are heavy and lumbering the last thing on earth you have capacity for, is a long journey.

I imagine Joseph was like most men. The planning and packing would have been Mary's task. [Although Joseph would have loaded the donkey as men are expert loaders of vehicles! Well, mine is anyway.]


I imagine this journey would have seemed immense to Mary. Packing and sorting would have taken so much energy out of her. She must have ended each day with an aching back. The weather in the middle east is not that cool at this time of the year and so she would have been hot as well. Phew.


Sorry Mary but what you were facing all those years ago makes me feel better! My little "to do" list pales in the light of a massive journey on a donkey and labour at the end of it!


But I am so glad you did it! Thanks Mary- you rock.

Sweet sweet November

November. My most favourite month of the year. As a child, it was because it's my birthday month. Now because it's breakthrough month. My little boy turns 2 years old on Wed!

November was always so exciting and I would count down until my birthday. Birthdays are a BIG deal in our family. But as infertility started to make itself felt, each birthday month became something I would dread. Another year older and my fertility clock was ticking like a time bomb. Never very fertile to begin with my mid thirties slowly crept up on me and I was terrified.

2007 was awful. We did the last IVF cycle and was told no more. My body was just not responding and I was on the highest possible dosages of drugs. Then we got news that someone was interested in placing their baby girl with us. Our spirits soared only to be dashed just before Christmas when she changed her mind.

2008 started darkly and got even worse. In January my precious Da (Dida's father) was diagnosed with colon cancer. We lost him in June. Our hearts honestly failed. Hope deferred makes the heart sick and our hearts were very ill. We stood up at his funeral in front of 500 people and spoke of our journey. We despaired.

So when Sweetpea approached us we could not trust that this would work out. We heard of this little baby boy and I did not dare to hope. Sweetpea had enough faith for us all and at the tender age of 14 years old, told me to trust her. That she would not change her mind.

I saw another November coming and my heart just dropped. Rupi was due in late October and so I knew that by my birthday we would know. If he was our son of vision or not. My heart was failing and I could not have coped. I would love to say that I trusted God and was fine, but I was not. I could not take anymore.

He was born on the 3rd of November and we got the call late that Monday night. We rushed down the next day and incurred the wrath of the social services. Nothing looked like it would work out but God came through. Our family and church prayed so hard and on the 14 November 2008 we got the call we had waited a life time for. Rupi came home that night.

November turned from mourning to laughing. November was redeemed. In the beauty of God's impeccable timing I was still 36 years old when Rupi was born. Only just! My birthday is 5 days after his!

The last two years have been the happiest of my life. I cry every time I write about it and think of my little boy. The waiting was agonising but he was worth it. It took me a while to really believe that my son was in my arms. Like a creature that had been kept in the dark, it took me a while to get used to the sunlight. I was slowly reborn as my little boy grew. He is everything we ever hoped and dreamed of. From his sweet smile and tender hugs to the bashing and tantrums, he is all we wanted!

.

Sweet sweet November. I am so glad that you are here! The month of breakthrough and redemption. The month of His favour! Yay!

Authority

What an amazing God day on so many levels.

Church today was phenomenal. Ok, it's always phenomenal but today was even more so! We had an Aussie pastor preach and from the moment he opened his mouth and started reading from the Word this morning, I felt God's presence. It was my soul was being literally fed.

He talked about the authority that Jesus has and how when He spoke, the earth trembled. Every part of earth is under His dominion. Every single part of our lives.

Amazing.

He asked various groups of people to come up on stage for healing and in one group one of my closest friends went up. Her plight is so close to my heart all I could utter was 'Please God, please". She is still waiting for her healing and with all I had, I just prayed for this to be her time. For Jesus to have total dominion over her body and heal her....now. A miracle is needed.

Our church believes that this is the year of miracles and breakthrough for us. And there so many miracles needed. A lovely friend told me of her need for a miracle. After struggling with infertility and finally having a baby, she needs the strength to begin to try again. To open herself up to the potential of pain and frustration and fear once again. A miracle is needed.

And after church another friend told me of her threatened pregnancy. The next 48 hours are critical. The last two pregnancies have ended in heartache and this is the time when things have gone wrong for her before. I wept for her tonight and cried out to heaven. A miracle is needed.

We are told to declare God's dominion and declare the break through. Speak the miracles into being in the authority that Jesus gives us. I am doing that for my friends tonight. If you need a miracle I encourage you to speak Life and do it with His authority.

All I have is a mustard seed faith. But it's enough for Him.

I can do this!

My life is big. Gorgeously expansive and stretching- oh wait, isn't that just my body (hehe!) I started a design company as I have mentioned many times. It's wonderful and God annointed and fulfils my life mandate of looking after the widows and orphans. God is blessing us and the jobs are coming through at a steady trickle. I love it.

But I never wanted it.

The reason is the client contact. Design is one of those professions where you need to get in someone's face and talk. No problem. Except for managing my little boy. I get called to go to a meeting tomorrow at this time. No problem I say, hang up and hyperventilate. Managing this all around him is really hard. I am truly blessed with my INCREDIBLE sister who invites me to drop Rupi off whenever and she looks after him. It's still incredibly hard though managing a fluid business with no set times and routines and trying to be a Mommy and run a home. Please hear me I am not complaining, it's just the reality of this is a little (ok,a lot) overwhelming at times.

I started reading Zechariah this morning...with the help of a commentary as I am not that holy OR intelligent to do it alone and the words spoke right to me.

We think when we return to/ or enter the promised land that life will be easy. Now that we have the promise life will fall into place. The promised land will be flowing with milk and honey and all we have to do is sit back and reap the rewards of holding fast. We think that we have done the hard work by enduring through the wilderness exile. That place where we waited and prayed and fasted and wept. The place where we looked at the promised land with such longing and imagined what it would be like. And though it’s incredible it needs a lot of work. It needs us to engage and put our backs to the wheel.

The people in Zechariah (Zech 1: 1-6) thought like me. They were faithful to God during their long captivity and held onto God’s promise of deliverance. Finally break though came and they entered the promised land. They came home. God saw them and rescued them. But like me they expected life to be easy in the promised land. They expected that everything would be in place and they could just relax and sit back. After all wasn’t that their reward for their faithfulness? Silly foolish people and silly foolish me.

The promised land is hard work. There is a lot of work to do and all of it is hard. Harder than we thought it would be. In Zechariah’s time after 70 years the people were living in a desolate land just waiting. They were meant to unite and build and build and build. A lesson to me.

This IS the promised land. I am living in the land of blessing. My days in the wilderness are over and break through has come.

It is a LOT harder than I thought. God has a plan for me and it does not involve sitting on my bum. I have a lot to do. I am raising a child and will be raising two next year. Alongside this is a business which is God ordained. This means hard work. Hard work managing children and a house and a business. I have the capacity and what capacity I don’t have, God does. He lifts me up when I am tired and overwhelmed.

I am not sure where I thought break through meant rest and doing very little. That expectation has nearly de-railed me at times and I need to let it go. This is hard work- end of story. Blessed, anointed, fun, crazy, grace-filled work.

And with God, I can do it!

Waiting for the Rain

I feel like I am waiting for God to say something to me (I know He's always talking but you know, something for me here and now). He's got something to say and I wanna hear it NOW. As you can tell I have learned a great deal about patience in my 6 year journey....



I am so hungry for the Word and feel like I am starved when I sit down to read my bible each morning. He's saying amazing stuff, read what he's been saying to Lena. Wow.

O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water. Psalm 63:1

I am searching for a new identity in this season. I am half of one season and half another. A foot in both camps. Infertile and a mother. I know how to be "pushing for break through girl" or "suffering girl" or "persevering girl" but do I know how to be "victory and yet needing breakthrough girl"? Nah.

Side note (not unusual as I am rather random at times- proudly so!) I heard Anne Rice on Focus on the Family this morning talking about some novels she has written from Jesus' viewpoint. His childhood and the time of going into ministry. They talked about how lonely Jesus must have been going into the desert to be tested. And how He went from the amazing high of being baptised and being lifted up by God the Father, to being tested alone, hungry and thirsty. And how alone he may have felt. Again, he gets us. Loneliness is a major part of infertility especially if you have walking through it for a while. Go Jesus, you are incredible (once again)

Boy am I thirsty for Him.

My Saving Grace

I love how much I have discovered about the character of Jesus in the last 6 years, through this journey. He is my source of joy when I think about the pain and misery we have gone through. I love ( and am SOOO grateful) that He saved me but what honestly captures my heart again and again is the man in Jesus.

****theology alert, am trying to express something hard here, so grace and understanding required....!!!*****

He was 100% man and 100% God and the man side of Him was in complete submission to God the Father. That is pretty incredible to me. The (100%) God part of Him knew everything about everything (He's God right?) So the (100%) man part of him must have known what was before Him from the (100%) God side. Jesus knew about the cross and the pain and misery that was to come and still submitted.

That's quite different from me. I mean, you kinda know that what is before you might be hard but you are not sure. I mean, it could all turn out better than you hope and be a walk in the park. But Jesus knew how bad it was going to be. It was not going to be less painful or humiliating than He thought.... AND HE STILL SUBMITTED.

The (100%- Can I stop putting in 100%? I think I have made my point) man part of Jesus, the emotional side freaked out. John 12: 27 uses words in the Message and New Living translation like "storm tossed" and "deeply troubled". In other words freaked out. And He still submitted. Blows my mind. If I had known what this journey was like 6 years ago, I would have run for the hills and (being honest) probably tossed in the towel. Because it was a killer and I know it's not over yet.

I am not God, to everyone's relief- except of course my friends because they would be SO blessed, and I can't see what lies ahead. That enables me to live in the moment and not worry too much about the future. But Jesus, knew what was ahead. He knew that in the short term it was not going to be ok. Yes He knew He would rise up and He knew that He would be with His Father, but He also knew that before that there would be mocking, scorn, rejection and a whole lot of unimaginable pain. Except of course He could imagine it.

He knew.

So when Jesus says that He gets us I know that He does. He knows what it's like to live with pain (emotional or physical) and with seemingly unanswered prayers. He was the ultimate "even if" Hero. Despite the fact that God could save Him from the cross in a heart beat and yet did not, Jesus loved and worshipped and submitted. And He did this all for me and for you, we are the "joy set before Him".

During the bleakest times of our walk, this was the only thing that kept me going. We have a God, a precious Saviour who can relate to us in every way. Jesus knows. He knows what it's like to be me.

Thankful

I am just so grateful and there is not one moment that I take for granted. I thank God for each minute I spend with my son. I go to bed each night so thankful and look forward to the next day because I get to spend it with my boy.

I thought that this would be good, well I hoped that it would be. People like me who have walked the road we have and are an A-type personality are at a high risk of post natal depression. I knew this and so had no expectation as to what this would look like. All I asked was that my baby bonded and attached to me. So to be loving this is an incredible blessing.

I am in a wonderland, free from pain. I will never stop being grateful. I look through my bible each day and I see the verses and sections of scripture outlined and underlined with dates beside them. I know the pain each verse represents and what encouragement and hope God gave me each time. I can chart this journey though His Word and that is more appropriate than I can ever express. I thank God for the hope that His Living Word brought me. My heart aches for the Sammy back then but how my heart rejoices now!

Thank you Jesus. I will never stop thanking and praising You. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My moment

Tomorrow is my moment, the one I have dreamed of for 6 looong years. You know.....the baby shower.

There were times that were incredibly hard when it felt like my heart was ripped open and the dream of being a Mommy seemed like it would never happen. Those were the times I would day dream while driving about my baby shower. By faith I would imagine my baby shower- the thing that did not exist yet and had no reason (in the natural) to exist. I would drive with tears pouring down my face and give "the speech". The one where I give thanks to God Almighty for saving me from bitterness and resentment. Where I thank Him for not forsaking me when it seemed like He had. For remembering me so I too, like Sarah, could laugh. Laugh with joy at the favour and blessing of a child.

I have imagined my baby shower more times than I ever imagined my wedding. It has sustained me through such hard times. I think we each have a little thing we do to get us through- when we imagine the victory parade.

So tomorrow is my day, my baby shower. The actual baby shower is incidental. I don't really care what happens and to a degree, who is there. My speech is what matters because He will be there. He will be there in the room mingling, mixing, listening and to those who will hear, talking. I want to say thank you in front of the people who matter. Thank you to my Jesus, for remembering me. For blessing me. For not forsaking or forgetting me.

I want to say thank you. Thank you for my son.

The Bigger Picture

Been reading (I am a crazy avid reader who will read the back of a cereal box if I have nothing else to read..) "The Horse and His Boy" by C.S. Lewis. I am aware that it's a childrens book, but I was desperate!

Aslan the lion (oh hello Jesus!) keeps appearing and a lot of the time scares the pants off the characters. From their perspective He never seems to help them when they really need Him but just terrifies them. As the reader you can see the bigger picture. That Aslan is directing and moving and encouraging them. But the characters can't see it and feel abandoned and confused for a lot of the story.

Hmmm... sounds like someone I know. I am scared and confused and feel abandoned. But what am I missing about the bigger picture? I know there's one out there! And when we see it the misery that we endured for a night will fade to a bearable memory when we look back on it. My Aslan is directing and controlling this situation.

I feel like Shasta riding to get help through fog on a narrow trail. And there's someone or something running beside me but I can't see who it is because of the fog. I am scared but I have to trust that it's Jesus. I am not abandoned. Aslan is here, my Lion of Judah, my hero.

...still waiting!

Here we are...still waiting. That's ok as I know God timing is perfect and He has this under control. But this is still a battle and the words that God gave me last year still ring true. Before our last treatment He gave me some words and they are for now....

But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. 14 The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14: 13

God Himself is fighting for us- we know it and we feel it. The enemy sneaks in and tries to intimidate and create an atmosphere of fear. Every moment of this process has been God-breathed and the outcome is for His Glory. We hope and pray and believe that the outcome is a baby for us but even if its not (small though that chance is), it's an outcome for His Glory.

We have been attacked again via the social agency which handles adoption. I guess its not appropriate to go into details but again this week after an awful phone call fear and intimidation rose up. We have been led in this process by the birth family but this is not according to the social agency protocol and therein lies the issue.

We have prayed and then walked forward and this process is of God, but how do you explain that to a social worker?

In my quiet time the next day the bible fell open at Nehemiah where I had outlined a small passage a while ago (thank you God!) It just spoke into the situation and I thank God from the bottom of my heart that he showed me this then, for now.

My reply was, "You know you are lying. There is no truth in any part of your story." They were just trying to intimidate us, imagining that they could break our resolve and stop the work. So I prayed for strength to continue the work. Nehemiah 6: 8-9

So I prayed for strength to continue knowing that the words spoken over me were not true. I refused to bow down to intimidation because my God is in control and He will have the last word.

So anyway, we met with the agency today and my hubbie who is my hero, went to bat for me. He was like a lion, a nice polite lion, but a lion none the less.... and the meeting went well. We think they see our hearts and that's good. Thank you Jesus.

We have a cute little saying that we say to one another (from the cat- yes I know...but we love the cat and she loves us!) We say "I heart you" for I love you. Or "hearts to you". So all I can say is "I heart you Jesus... I heart you a lot". Hearts to you xxxxx

Carried

Tonight I am confused and scared. We face something amazing and terrifying at the same time. And as I sat in the afternoon light on my couch all I longed for was to be finally holding my baby as I sat there. I wept and wept and wept before my God and He sat beside me and was just there for me. My empty arms ached and I know He understood. All I know in times like this that there are two truths I hold onto...the Cross and the Resurrection. I cling to the beautiful rock steady never ever changing truth of the Cross and the Resurrection.

I found this amazing song by Leeland (never heard of them before..!) and it really ministers to my shaking heart.

Thank you Jesus, my wonderful incredible Truth

Jesus knows....

One of my amazing friends is miscarrying for the second time. As with my beloved Da’s death the question “why?” is a heartfelt cry. But for us as humans living in a fallen world many of our “whys” will never be answered and each “why” reveals another hundred “whys” behind it.
Why does God allow us to suffer through infertility and miscarriage? Why do people die too soon? I just don’t know.

As I seek I find that there are no answers but Jesus and the cross. Its true God does not always spare us but he didn’t spare Himself either. He sent part of Himself, His one and only Son and experienced pain and anguish and suffering. The God of heaven humbled Himself and became one of us. So when I cry out to the heavens I know that there is a God who knows. Who understands how I feel and grieve. That really helps me. I have no answers or fancy revelation but I know that God knows.

God doesn’t enjoy watching us suffer. I admit that I have wondered if He does in the darker parts of our valley. But when I read how Jesus reacted to human suffering and how deeply He was moved when He encountered suffering, I know that He suffers when we do. He knows what it’s like to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

The High Priest Who Cried Out in Pain
14-16Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.
Hebrews 4: 15 (NLT)

Suffering and pain reveal Jesus. I am more in love with Jesus now than ever before through what we walk through. Somehow this journey allows me to see more and more of Jesus. The only time in the four gospels Jesus is addressed as God directly by the disciples, is when Thomas saw the wounds inflicted by Jesus’ suffering (end of John). Jesus’ suffering reveals Himself. Likewise my suffering reveals Jesus and I see Him more clearly.

Does this make living now easier? Yes it does. It’s of immense comfort to me that God knows. I wish my friend’s tiny baby was safe in her. I wish my Da was here. But still I know that God knows what its like to be me here, wishing for a perfect world.

The Threshing Floor

I was reading one of my favourite blogs and I saw a post that touched my heart so deeply that tears started rolling down my face, at 8.30am on a Saturday morning...! Not sad tears just "overwhelmed and touched by God" tears. It was all about the threshing floor...

Threshing floors are open flat areas, like barns without walls, that are used to process the grain that is brought in from the fields. The grain is tossed into the air and the lighter chaff which is useless is blown away. The heavier grain separates and falls to the floor, then is gathered for grinding. Threshing floors are usually on high ground where the wind is stronger as the wind assists in the winnowing and separating of grain from chaff.

The threshing floor is a simile for a place of testing or trials from God and was a very important place throughout history. Incredible God encounters happened for people like Joseph's brothers (Genesis 50:10) and Ruth/ Boaz (Ruth) on threshing floors. But the encounter that captured my attention was between David and God in 1 Chronicles 21.

David found Himself on the threshing floor owned by Araunah. He was there because He had sinned and God told him to go to the threshing floor. Now we are not where we are because of sin- infertility is NOT a punishment but the thing to note is that David went to the threshing floor willingly. I am sure you are the same as us with hearts that long to be used by God. We have surrendered ourselves and our hearts willingly and so by following Him in obedience we have found ourselves here, on the threshing floor of our lives.
I think its also important that threshing floors are high up. God is found in high places and that fact that the threshing floors are high means that we have had to walk up to them. We make a choice to seek Him.

David was in pain. In fact his heart was breaking. But he did an incredible thing. He built an alter to God on the threshing floor, at the place of his testing and in the middle of his pain. David had bought the threshing floor from Araunah for full price because he would not build an alter to God that had not cost him something. And we know what it costs to build an alter to God in the middle of our threshing floor- the trial and struggle of infertility. Sometimes it costs almost more than I have to lift up my hands and worship Him. The struggle to surrender when I know that He could rescue me and for the moment chooses not to, is intense. But I know that I need to.
Building an alter during times of suffering is of incredible beauty. Suffering and surrender are the most bittersweet partners. Together they give us access to the heart of God. We gain a picture of God that we couldn't otherwise. When we worship from this place we do it from a new depth that is created by our surrender.

But it was the next part of this blog that touched my heart so deeply. I felt redemption and hope. In Chronicles 3: 1, Solomon built the temple of God on the threshing floor of Aruanah. The very place that David had built his alter and was the place of his testing and ordeal would now be the site for the most amazing building to ever be built. The building that represented God, the one that He designed to reflect His Glory and His beauty.

For me this was confirmation and promise. On the threshing floor of infertility God promises to build a temple. A temple so beautiful that people will marvel at what He has done.
Our shabby little threshing floor with it's bloodstained and tear soaked alter where we have laid down our dreams again and again as burnt offerings, will be redeemed. Will be restored and made into something beautiful. I am redeemed.

Freedom with Gratitude

What will it be like to be free of this? Not emotional freedom or spiritual freedom which we can have while on the journey...but complete freedom though then receiving of the promise. I see the freedom my friend now experiences and I wonder what that feels like. It must be amazing.

I was reading this morning in Luke 8:26-39 about a demon possessed man who is freed by Jesus. The relief at being freed just jumps off the pages at me. He sites at Jesus' feet after being freed, not even wanting to go home and tell his loved ones. He just sits there, relishing his freedom. He must have felt light headed and almost giddy. I bet the world was brighter, colours more vivid and sounds clearer. And he could look up into the face of his Saviour. This was his Jubilee.

And I love his heart. It overflowed with gratitude. He begged to be allowed to go with Jesus and be near him. And when Jesus told him to go back and tell his family what had happened, he told his whole city. That's gratitude!

I can imagine him walking the streets of his city with dignity and calm. It seems that the demons denied him dignity and pulled him here and there so I think he would never have rushed anywhere. I know I would have always walked- because now I could. And everywhere whenever he got an opportunity, whenever he someone did a double take and recognised him, he would have poured out the amazing story of his salvation. I want a heart like that!

Too often I see people forget the passion they had for God when their prayers are answered. It scares me to think that I would do the same. This man did not forget God and I pray that I would be the same.

Shame-less

Yesterday during worship we sang a song which has a line saying''Only Your love defines who I am". And I thought "Who am I, if God defines me?". And God answered me saying that I am honoured and loved. Two of my favourite verses came to mind (Isaiah 49: 16 and Daniel 10:19) which talk about how we are deeply loved. And with love comes honour.

I thought about what that meant and I realised that love and honour drive out shame and reproach. Shame and reproach are issues that come knocking during the journey of infertility. I mean, who hasn't felt less of a woman for not being able to have a baby? Shame has washed over me so often in social settings leading to reproach for not being able to fulfil what seems like the most basic of tasks- give my husband a child and heir. So it was a good reminder that I am beyond shame and reproach through His love and honour defining who I am.

God is quite gracious to me and often speaks to me during worship about the sermon topic giving me time to respond, either give me strength and encouragement or a good old challenge. Yesterday was the same as Ps. Sam Monk talked about living in the light without shame (Matt : 13-16). I loved the sermon and the encouragement to love publicly.

This journey is so often lived in the dark due to embarrassment and shame. It is a hard private journey and I pull away from people, especially people we haven't seen in ages to avoid the question "So.... do you have kids yet?". But God said that I (and you) are loved and honoured and there is no shame in that at all! And if I live in the light and talk and share about this, it gives others permission to do the same. This journey is my salt flavour and when I share it has tremendous power, who I am I keep God's work and glory and power a secret?