church loving

I love our church. The thing that bums me out sometimes is that it's not local. We live in a different part of the city to it, but that's not enough reason for us to leave. We have been going there for 11 years and I can see us there until we are old and wrinkly.

I have fallen in love even more with our church as I see how the children are loved each Sunday. They are taught about God's love through amazing helpers and teachers.

Rupi is in a class run by Mrs L. Mrs L is legendary and I heard stories of how much children love her class years ago. She is pretty special. And Rupi looooooves Mrs L and "kids church" every Sunday.

The memory verses ("member" verses according to him) he gets each week are treasured and pored over. He carries them around and repeats them...and almost gets them right. I hear hymn teaching Blossom a contorted form of the Word sometimes, it's hilarious.

How awesome is our church!

P.S. The spiderman tag off his favorite spiderman t-shirt is racked alongside God's Word- so funny!!!

Beyond awesome

This weekend we had our women's conference. Forget every image you have of a woman's conference and imagine this: about 800 women ALL worshiping God together. The sweet sound drove me to tears. The teaching was incredible and we were super spoiled.

This was our gift. Hello sterling silver Tiffany&Co. Oh my.


We had our amazing senior pastor and Sam Evans and Lisa Bevere preach. LISA BEVERE people. Yup, THE Lisa Bevere a.k.a. lioness, bringer of the Word and she of the "take no prisoners, stand up and fight" fame. Aside from her mind blowing Spirit-led teaching, if I can look half as good at 50 years old as she does, I will be one happy woman.

I got her book "Lioness arising" and cannot wait to get into it. (Fear not, "Mrs B in China", I got you a copy too and Meg and I are working on getting you the other something special we all got. Hey, will be like you were truly there!)

I know I rabbit on about our church but I can't help it. We are so blessed to be part of Equippers. If you are in a town where there is an Equippers, you NEED to come along. Unless of course, you are a part of a lovely church already. But then your church could be friends with our church and you can STILL come to EquipHer conference!

As I may have mentioned before, we were put in touch with Sweetpea when she was pregnant via our church. So the connections are strong. It's got even better. Sweetpea's family are joining the new Equippers starting up in the town Rupi was born in. Blood family becoming church family.

This weekend Sweetpea's Mom came along to the conference. And this morning she sat with us in church. It was wonderful. Half way through the service Rupi was on her knee. I could feel her heart expanding with sheer joy. Happiness was beaming out of her in waves. I loved it, it was super cute.

I love that this is normal. And I believe it's the church we are in that enables this. We are challenged and loved and encouraged and supported. Constantly pointed towards Jesus. And that makes the impossible possible. The implausible plausible. We see Him everywhere we look. And now the circle is completing. Birth family and adoptive family. In a peaceful loving relationship, under the same roof. Blows my mind.

Homegrown

We've been going to our church for 11 years. 11 years! We started going along as I was desperate for something like the church my sister then attended in South Africa. Alive, vibrant, multi-cultural, Spirit led and more.

God met my wish list and then some with Equippers. I am constantly amazed at how much our church fits us or we fit it. We just "get" our church and know that our church gets us.

We have had good times. Dida's salvation, both of our baptisms and the children's dedications. We had endless love and support during our years of waiting for Rupi. We have friendships that inspire and amaze us. We are loved and love in return.

There have also been rough times. Not bad times, just a rough patch. It was when Dida transitioned from working full time for church into the secular workforce again. Relationships morphed and changed and we had to figure out a whole lot of things. But God used that time to free us from the fear of man and to teach us about relationships.

I love two things about our church. One is how accepting they are. That acceptance is set from the top. And we have a pretty amazing "top"- an amazing wife/ husband team who lead our church. Dida and I don't fit the mould, well, there is no mould to fit really. I am unusual. A mother and business woman. I don't see many women like me at church. But I know that my God-given call is supported and accepted. I don't run a coffee group or help with a children's music group. I am different. And totally accepted.

The second thing I love is our homegrown talent. We attract world reknown speakers. People that blow your mind. But the best we have is at home. Our senior pastor is doing a series at the moment and it's revelation. God-inspired revelation. This man truly hears from God. Every time he speaks, I hear the quiet still voice of God. And he's ours! Equippers bred & homegrown. Yessah!

If you are ever in town come along and visit! We'll have coffee (of course) before the service then hold onto your seat. Our church rocks.


Disclaimer: If you go to church I am sure your church is awesome too, hehe!

Well...yahoo!

Today is Sunday. And it's church day. A day where we go and meet with people we love, worship our God and hear some awesome words. Well, that's the way it used to be.

For the last 2 years its been go to church, meet the people we love and then disappear into either the parents room or a kids program. We love our life but REALLY wish Rupi would let us go to into the room where the grownups are! And yes, I know we could force him to stay by himself in the kids program but having him in hysterics and beside himself is not how we roll.

Today though was breakthrough day!

Dida stayed home with Blossom (he's done his knee in, after doing his back in and can't walk)... so Rupi and I went solo. I admit I wondered what the point of going would be as I would not actually BE in church but off we went. Our normal routine involves taking a pram as Rupi will refuse to walk at some point and want to be picked up, be very unfriendly when anyone talks to him and attach himself like a limpet to our leg when we go to the children's program.... and HOWL when we leave him.

But today, oh today!

I asked him if he wanted to walk or go in the pram when we got out of the car. "Walk peez Mama". Well, ok. He then WALKED by himself all the way into church and greeted people when they greeted him. At this point I wondered where my real son was. We went in for worship and he stood on his OWN and clapped and danced. He didn't ask to be picked up once. I actually got lost in worship. Wow....

I took him into the children's program and hung around the edges for a while. So far so good. I told him I was leaving and shot out of the room. HALF AN HOUR later our family number came up on the screen. I got to hear a good chunk of the service. I admit I ran to the room he was in expecting to find a quivering mass of hysteria. Actually no! He was weepy but ok. He was OK! The children's workers are incredible and made such a fuss of him for being so big and brave.

I had the best time at church! I got to have awesome conversations with my friends Shelley and Jo... and Rupi was happy. I was so proud of him. I admit I have been praying for breakthrough with Rupi on the Daniel Fast and God is so faithful. All we want is that church is the amazing experience for our kids that it is for us. And it looks like that is going to happen!

Rupi got a soft serve on the way home for being so brave and staying "self" in the kids program. I think this is the start of something good and new!

Santi-pants

Christians and Santa (aka Father Christmas) are like Christians and Halloween. You get 5,000 varying opinions and all of them are heart felt.

There have been two awesome posts about the fat old man in a red suit over the last day or so and they are both brilliant. If you have ever wondered about this topic have a read here and here....

We are working out how we feel about it all and for this year all we are doing is having Santa sacks (Father Christmas stockings etc). Growing up we used pillowcases for our stockings and so I have made two simple drawstring sacks with each child's initial on the front.

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On Christmas morning we plan to get up before the kiddies (therefore will be starting our day at about 4.30am....), grab Blossom's bottle and some coffee and get the kids into bed with us. Their sacks will be hanging off the drawers in our room and they can get into them. Can't wait! Blossom's stash is not very exciting with clothing and her first (pink, awww!) drink bottle but I don't imagine she'll care!

We haven't even mentioned Father Christmas to Rupi and he wouldn't know who the heck he was so I figure we have another year to come up with a definate plan...

Keeping it real

One of my most unfavourite (great grammer, huh?) is not keeping it real. And I can tell on my blog when I am processing and not ready to share something that's on my heart. My posts go blah. And they are blah right now.

So here's a "keeping it real" post. And it may make some of you uncomfortable. My response? Too bad (in a loving huggy kind of way)! If it does, I am touching a nerve and that's good.

This is Dida and I on our wedding day. We have a rock solid marriage. We have never had issues or counselling. We have worked at our marriage but we are really compatable and it's a very good relationship. Even through infertility, which rips couples apart, we just went from strength to strength. He's my everything and I am his girl. There are boundaries we just won't cross with one another and respect plays a huge role with us.

So struggling in this area is completely new. Since Blossom was born we have really struggled. And only now that we see daylight am I actually ready to share. We laughed again this last week. And I realised laughter has been gone for 4 months. Dida is a funny guy and he cracked jokes and I giggled. We teased and no-one got upset and ran out of the room (Me usually. Ok, only me.) We.had.fun. And fun has been on holiday.

Why don't we talk about how hard this season is? Why don't we actually talk to one another? No-one warned Dida and I that this season could be seriously stressful on our relationship. We are in church, for heaven sake! As most couples have more than one child, others HAVE to have gone through this. Do we wear a mask so much that we are afraid to admit this season is tough on marriage?

I guess so. Because I am starting to talk about it and bringing people to tears. Case in point, yesterday in the parents room I asked someone how they are doing. How they and their hubbie are really doing. And I said we have found it tough. Instant tears. Yes, was the admission. It's really tough. So we shared and then laughed and this girl said she has been feeling so alone. Not good.

And as Dida and I talk we see that others are going through the same. And have gone through the same. And some of you reading this have gone through it. I know who you are! Now that we have gone through it we can see the signs. So why don;t we talk about it? Dida reckons it's because we then label people as "struggling" in their marriage. And that label may not come unstuck. Well, label us at your peril! No, we are not splitting up. No, we do not need counselling (at this stage and never say never). No, this is not forever. It's a short and intense season of hardship that puts incredible stress on a relationship.

We have been so tired that our tanks are completely empty. After Rupi has taken what he needs and likewise Blossom, there's not a lot left for one another. Some nights I just want to lie down and not think another thought. But we are parents and there are endless things to be done. So the snappiness starts and misunderstanding and miscommunication reigns. Horrible.

God has been speaking and this post is already too long. I think I will share again the things He has been saying. They are good and have helped so much.

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BUT! Let's be real. Let's care and ask the questions and then open up. I am going to ask and pray and listen. There is a way through and Dida and I will be stronger and more in love. We are in this for the long haul and truly love one another. But it's been rough. And that's keeping it real.

Capacity

This post makes me a little nervous as I know how many Equippers peeps read this blog (!) Please remember when reading it that we cannot always watch every word that comes out of our mouths and I am not saying that we need to. Our views and opiniosn are shaped (partly) by our own experiences, and that's more than ok.

On Sunday someone asked me how I have been. "It's been full on" I replied. "Oh" they said and then in an encouraging tone said "You know that around church circles it's said that no-one has capacity like a Mum with young kids. And if you want to hand a full on ministry to someone you choose a Mum who has had young kids."



Everything in me wanted to hand Blossom to them to hold while I bashed their head in. NO, something in me yelled. I DISAGREE! I realised I was having an extreme reaction to an innocuous (and encouraging and complimentary) comment and so smiled and went off to chat to my wise Sounding-Board-in-Heaven during worship. I pray that this person didn't see anything inside me at that point (I don't think they did) as they are wonderful and kind and loving.



I needed to find out why I disagreed so vehemently. After a chat to my Loving Father I realised that I reacted as a recovering infertile to the view that you need to have had kids to be qualified. To have something that otherwise you couldn't. That if you don't have kids or haven't experienced multiple kids you cannot possible have developed a large capacity. That's wrong and I know that's not what this person meant. But it is a view that holds many holes. The person with the largest capacity I know (she's very very well known and loved at Equippers- a clue!) is still waiting for children. This girl and her hubbie have a capacity that has stunned and inspired Dida and I.



Once I calmed down and took a deep breath (as I knew this person was just making conversation.... and is kind and nice.) I found I still disagreed. Based on my experience of having small children and having been an infertile this is it:



Having small children builds physical capacity. You multi-task in ways you never comprehended before. I added working to the mix and so multi-tasking and list making have become a fine art. The last 4 months have been the most physically taxing of my life. I have been more tired than I can express. Sometimes I am so tired I can't get a straight word out. I ache.



Infertility treatment is also physically taxing but it's for a shorter time period. This period will last for years. I have bags and smudges under my eyes for the first time. And no matter how long I sleep in, I wake tired.



A trial like infertility or sickness builds emotional and mental capacity. Like nothing else. Needing God to help me breathe and eat and walk and function built an emotional & mental capacity into like nothing else. At the worst times I needed God to help me get out of bed in the morning. We would do life together one step at a time. This time is not doing that.



So the two are different. Different types of capacity at different times and stages of life. That makes sense to me. I do think that we can develop massive capacity regardless of our circumstances and what we go through. There is no one size fits all. And I think a barren woman could (and many do) have the capacity that a Mum does.



Anyway, this is a good post for me to crystalise my thinking. [It may have bored some of you to tears- hopefully you stopped reading a long time before this! ] My reaction was extreme and a gut reaction and I'm very glad I internalised it. And the conversation is untraceable so no-one knows who it was. Because the person is lovely and was only trying to have a chat...!

Cornered and loving it

A girl cornered me in the parent's room on Sunday.



"So Sammy, who's connect group (life group/ homegroup etc) do you go to?"



Me "Errrr... (cough cough)...ahhh...no-ones?"



Our church is BIG and so connect groups are the villages within the city. I know this. And I lead a connect group so I need to be plugged in myself. I know this. But when the one I went to disbanded in December I just sort of floated around. And to be fair, I HAVE had a baby inbetween. And... (AND) I did try to find one near where I live and even tried (with no success) to convince someone I admire to start one near me..... Can you hear the justification, haha!



Anyhoo... it was well time to be challenged and the girl who asked the question will never shrink back from a good old challenge. Love it as we need to be unafraid to ask the questions.



After some chatting about where I could go I discovered that GAIL and SIMONEY go to a connect group together and it's at Simoney's house and I love them both and I could easily get to Simoney's house and I know the way there well and I was SO EXCITED!!!!! I know that I am making a lot of you jealous at the fact that I get to go to connect group with the two of them...(sorry!) Does it make anyone feel better if I say how grateful I am? VERY VERY GRATEFUL!!!!!! And excited. But I may have mentioned that.



So I went along last night and loved it. LOVED IT! Gail shared and my gosh, it was good. She is wise and so real. And the other girls weren't so bad themselves. Simoney was sick and may have infected the room, but it was her house and so she had the right.



YAY! Slightly excited.









P.S. Sorry about the excessive use of capitals in this post...!

Satisfied

I have been lonely. Feeling a bit isolated. We live in a part of Auckland that is not near our church. So very few church people live near us. Getting out to visit my church friends with two very small children is hard and put a 25min trip either way on top of that, and it all becomes a bit overwhelming.

I was feeling a bit friendless. Despite having family close by I felt a bit lonely. Relationships change after children and I have lost touch with some friends. I know how it is, you just can't relate- and that's ok. And I hadn't seen other friends for ages (mainly due to my lack of availability!)

So I put my big girl panties on (LOVE that expression) and decided to reach out. And asked God for some church friends who live close by. I started making "dessert dates" with my friends. If I can't get out during the day, I can manage at night after the kiddies are in bed. And it doesn't have to be late either- an hour or two of uninterrupted conversation is enough to nurture friendships.

I had my first one with her this week. It was wonderful. We went to the Chocolate Boutique and hogged a table for nearly two hours. Surrounded by chocolate I hoovered a giant dessert and we talked. About clothes and husbands, body image and food, life and love. It was wonderful! And I have made a few more "dates" and I can't wait.

And God came through big time! An amazing couple are moving up from Wellington to take over a church near where I live. They have bought a house 5MIN AWAY FROM ME! Yeehaa! She is such a great girl. Funnily enough when I caught up with her at the womens conference I remember thinking how much I liked her and if she lived in Auckland I would hunt her down for coffees! Maybe not so funny, huh? Maybe a God thing?

And at Mainly Music a girl I used to work with turned up and asked ME if I would like to catch up! So nice to be asked instead of doing the asking. Just lovely.

So I am not lonely, I just needed to reach out! Beautiful! And satisfied.

A lesson in humility

So yes.













This is not me. (Especially the body- I just gave birth, hello!!!)









The last 6 weeks have been the hardest (and the most wonderful and beautiful) of my life no doubt about it. And I have realised a few things....





Having children has taught me not to be quite as judgemental as I used to be. Isn't it amazing how as Christians we can judge? Yuck! We used to judge people who pulled back after having babies. "We won't be like that" we said, "We'll just take our babies along with us and keep going." Great sentiments and ones echoed by some Christians who have managed to pull this off. And I have aspired to be like them as they are pretty amazing.





But...they are not us and we are not them. And I cannot do it all. A humbling realisation.





I could sort of pull it off with one child. Start a small business, keep the home fires burning and focus on Rupi . I had help from my sister and mother and kind of did it all. I did cut back on serving at church as I couldn't attend some things but we managed to get to most events and meetings.





However two small children puts a whole new spin on things! And last week it all came to a head.





I tried to get along to a business breakfast hosted by the business arm of our church. I long to be part of this amazing group of people who inspire and spur me on. I have not been able to make the meetings since Rupi came along so really wanted to make this one as the speaker was the same as at the women's conference the next day.





It took a mammoth amount of organising using my sister and my hubbie who rearranged their days to help. I took off with Blossom in the car and hoped she would fall asleep on the way into the city. Hmmm. Not. I arrived with my tired and whining baby. She would not fall asleep so eventually I fed her early. She then developed extremely loud hiccups and complained on and off. I left early and walked the walk of shame across the hotel lobby with my now screaming child. Yes I attended but honestly? It wasn't worth it.


I cried tears of frustration and self pity on the way home and God whispered in my ear. "You can't do it all". And He's right. I can't do what I used to. We used to be the hard core serving, twice on a Sunday attending, glued to our seats during church people. Now? Not so much. Some Sunday's we are lucky to even get out of the house and into church. And that's ok.



Church for us means me in the parents room and hubbie in creche with Rupi who will not be left on his own. Church means attending at the moment, just being there. Even if we don't hear the sermon or hang around afterwards we are there. Present.





I am so glad God whispered this into my heart driving home after the disastrous business breakfast. Because otherwise I would have had to say that the womens conference was another disaster given how much I saw of the sessions. But it wasn't. I went along with my new expectations aligned with the grace God is extending me in this season. I sat in the parents room with all the other sleep deprived women and tried to hear what was said. But I actually connected more with other women than heard what was said.


And my new revelation was confirmed by my beautiful friend D who leads the Masterton church. As we rocked our babies in the foyer while the sessions went on inside the auditorium we talked about how we could have been resentful. But we weren't. We talked about God and our journeys and just connected. We shared and laughed and had our own session out there in the foyer.



Some things have to give in this season. This incredible, blessed season here in the Promised Land. And I am ok with that. More than ok. Very grateful to be here. And as I have learned to extend grace to others, I extend grace to me.





So yes. We are those people. Who don't always make it twice to church on a Sunday. Who are not always at every event. Who may appear to have "pulled back". But we are there, committed and sold out. Present.

Equippers Rocks!

Tonight our amazing church, Equippers, recorded a third worship album at the evening service. The house was pumped and we were so ready.

As the music began, my heart was filled with gratitude that I was there. At that moment. What an amazing privilege to be one of the voices lifting Jesus up and creating an album that will change lives. I believe this album will be the vehicle God uses for break through and miracles.

I am so proud to be part of a church that is constantly pushing back the darkness and reclaiming land the enemy has taken. We never sit still and it's wonderful! I thank God that He has placed us at Equippers and I love that my children will grow up in a house that lifts up Jesus above all else.

Authority

What an amazing God day on so many levels.

Church today was phenomenal. Ok, it's always phenomenal but today was even more so! We had an Aussie pastor preach and from the moment he opened his mouth and started reading from the Word this morning, I felt God's presence. It was my soul was being literally fed.

He talked about the authority that Jesus has and how when He spoke, the earth trembled. Every part of earth is under His dominion. Every single part of our lives.

Amazing.

He asked various groups of people to come up on stage for healing and in one group one of my closest friends went up. Her plight is so close to my heart all I could utter was 'Please God, please". She is still waiting for her healing and with all I had, I just prayed for this to be her time. For Jesus to have total dominion over her body and heal her....now. A miracle is needed.

Our church believes that this is the year of miracles and breakthrough for us. And there so many miracles needed. A lovely friend told me of her need for a miracle. After struggling with infertility and finally having a baby, she needs the strength to begin to try again. To open herself up to the potential of pain and frustration and fear once again. A miracle is needed.

And after church another friend told me of her threatened pregnancy. The next 48 hours are critical. The last two pregnancies have ended in heartache and this is the time when things have gone wrong for her before. I wept for her tonight and cried out to heaven. A miracle is needed.

We are told to declare God's dominion and declare the break through. Speak the miracles into being in the authority that Jesus gives us. I am doing that for my friends tonight. If you need a miracle I encourage you to speak Life and do it with His authority.

All I have is a mustard seed faith. But it's enough for Him.

Psalm 91

My connect group (home group/ life group) leader was telling us of a story she heard. She wants to do some more research and find out more details as it's truly amazing.

In the first world war there was a battalion that suffered no losses. That's right- none. This is unheard of in a war that denied life to an entire generation of young men.

The secret?

God of course.

Apparently the commander of this battalion would get his men to speak (there's power in the spoken word) Psalm 91 over themselves every morning when they woke up, before the day began.

God's Word has incredible power and so I have been speaking life and His protection over myself and a very sick friend every morning. I love saying the words and I know He hears me.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

he is my God, and I trust him.

For he will rescue you from every trap

and protect you from deadly disease.

He will cover you with his feathers.

He will shelter you with his wings.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,

nor the arrow that flies in the day.

Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,

nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

Though a thousand fall at your side,

though ten thousand are dying around you,

these evils will not touch you.

Just open your eyes,

and see how the wicked are punished.

If you make the Lord your refuge,

if you make the Most High your shelter,

no evil will conquer you;

no plague will come near your home.

For he will order his angels

to protect you wherever you go.

They will hold you up with their hands

so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.

You will trample upon lions and cobras;

you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.

I will protect those who trust in my name.

When they call on me, I will answer;

I will be with them in trouble.

I will rescue and honor them.

I will reward them with a long life

and give them my salvation.”

Ah, so good! And I think (praying) we are on the verge of discovering something that will change my sick friends life! It works! Of course it does, why am I surprised??!!!??

We are good, just waiting and waiting. This is a good time. I had a minor (and short) meltdown last night but my hubbie reminded me of how different this time is. I am a Mommy already- this working is just a bonus.

We are undecided about how to blog the results of this pregnancy test. My hubbie wants some time to absorb the news either way and then tell family and close friends. He doesn't want me blogging about it straight away.

That's ok. We agreed that if any of my followers or regular readers want to know, email me at the address above. Not yet though! It's a while off still.

Funny story: I am on blood thinners (Heparin and asparin) to stop my body mounting an attack on the embryo. It means that I bruise very easily at the moment and so I have 50c size buises all over my tummy from the heparin injections.



So what do you do? Get Arnica of couse, the strongest dose you can and rub it all over your tummy many times a day. Turns out Arnica is for after bruising has happened not before! Yikes! I have been making it worse than ever. Not helping at all!



I would post a picture of my tummy but it's yucky and I feel faint looking at it. So here's a picture of my small man instead...

My Genesis moment

The greatest conference on the planet is almost over. I wish I could be there tonight but my little boy needed a bit of home time. He has been SOOOO good as his Mommy dragged him out for two solid days!

Shout last year was pretty rough. My precious Da (my hubbie's Dad) was on holiday way down south and in the hills on his tribe's land. An hour's drive into the hills from the nearest highway and outside cell phone coverage. The way in is a rutted track that clings to the side of the hills- not pretty.

We got the news that he needed to get to the nearest hospital fast. His blood count was so low that if he had a heart attack (which was imminent) he would die. We were on our way into the first meeting of Shout and turned around grabbed some clothes and headed south. He was in hospital when we got there having the first of many blood transfusions.

We were so scared at the thought of losing him and 12 short weeks later, we did. Shout 2008 was the start of losing him and does not hold good memories.

But this year was different. We still ache for our Da but we know that through his illness he came to know Jesus and so we will see him again.

This Shout was so different.

This was a Genesis moment for so many of us. But for 3 couples the last 12 months have been life changing.

As the years have wound on there is a group of long terms Infertiles that have continued to wait for breakthrough. As everyone who walked through infertility got their breakthrough we could only watch. There was me and 2 others. These women are amazing and the hardest thing for me was the knowledge of what a gift they would be to children. They would be incredible mothers.

I admit that I struggled to even hope that the 3 of us would ever be Mommy's.

But this Shout, this conference WE ARE ALL MOTHERS.

In the last 12 months our situations have turned around 180 degrees. We are all mothers.

I could not contain myself. I am so grateful.

The most awesome thing is that the gratitude I feel flows from the deep place that was formed by the pain of infertility. Infertility ripped my heart and I would give that hurt to God and worship Him from there. It would hurt so much and I would stand there crying (again and again) but it was a sacrifice of praise. My even if.

I found myself the "big cry baby girl" again this conference. I was weeping as the gratitude flowed. For E and B too, who are now mothers. I am so thankful.

I am sorry if I go on and on about how grateful I am but words just don't do what He has done for all of us justice. When I see E walking through the foyer with her little boys (yes plural!) I just want to weep as I know what they mean. God restored the years that the locusts ate. And the beauty of the whole thing is that on the first day of Shout those little boys got E and M as their forever Mommy and Daddy in court. That actual day.

E and I just look into each others eyes. We know. We know what He has done.

This Shout was our Genesis moment. I have loved this conference, the speakers, the revelation, the way God showed up and whispered "watch me do the impossible"..... but what I will remember is how grateful I am. How I stood with Rupi at the back, worshiping. Me. So called barren girl.

God came through. Thank you Jesus. Thank you.

Our God day

Today was another of those days. A day that held more emotion than I thought was possible.

Today Rupi was dedicated. We stood before our church family as new parents and promised to bring Rupi up to know Him. I really didn't want to do this as baby dedications have only meant pain to me in the past but my hubbie wanted to. His train of thought is that our victory is a victory for the church family (which of course it is) and would encourage those waiting for their miracle.

So we said yes and and invited family to come and be with us. As we stood in worship an entire train of emotion hit me and I just cried. I didn't think it would this big for me. But I was standing with my baby waiting to dedicate him. Me. So called "severely infertile" girl.

We had friends and family clustered around us (our unsaved family came!) and Rupi got awesome prophesy about stuff I have been praying over him. He was so good and was such a cutie!

We asked one the pastors that we love to dedicate Rupi. This pastor is an adoptive Dad and so he gets it. What I love about the way he did the dedication is he didn't go into our journey or how we came to be parents. Because today was not about Rupi being adopted or the adoption story but simply about us as parents and Rupi as our son.

I wept the WHOLE way through. In front of 600 people. Don't care. I was overcome at God's faithfulness and goodness to us.

Finally.

Finally we stood in the place that represented such pain to us and it was redeemed.

Thank you Jesus.

Argh...

Sunday we had a baby dedication. Which is normally enough to send us screaming for the hills... One of my closest friends is our senior pastors PA and she normally lets me know when they are on and we avoid morning church on the day. Sad but true...

But this one snuck right in and before we knew it, it was too late. It was interesting as it didn't hurt as much as usual, because of our adoption, but still did a bit. And I was glad that it did because I never want to forget this pain.

But then the person leading the dedication asked all the parents to stand so they could be prayed for. And THAT hurt. It was like we had a giant ""L" for loser on our foreheads and it was agnoy. I looked at my hubby and he had tears in his eyes. He whispered "It hurts huh?" to me. My heart just ached.

Why do we do that? Why do we single groups of people out knowing that when we do there are people we are leaving out?

I made a decision. I will never ever stand up. Not ever. I have been at church when married couples are asked to stand for prayer. How does that make all the many many single girls feel? And I know how much it hurts when parents are asked to stand up.

Now I am all for honour. I love to honour those who do a great job, our pastors, leaders, Moms and Dads, servers etc etc. We need to acknowledge and honour people around us.

How do we do that without causing pain to others? There must be a way. We must be able to love and honour and respect and not make others want to crawl into a hole.... until I figure that out, I am not standing up when singled out, just so that others don't feel like we have.

Even if

I haven't posted for ages! Every time I sit down to write it's like all my thoughts are swirling around my head and I can't pin them down. We are again facing huge things in our lives. Things that I can't form words around, they are so huge and at the same time so fragile. But really, what's new? We seem to face giant after giant (hence the name of the blog!) and still God is faithful. Still God is the same. Still God is unchanging.

As with countless times before we have a choice, will we trust Him? The answer is yes but this time I learn something new. Through an amazing book by Dr James Dobson "When God doesn't make sense" I learn about the difference between understanding and trust. I don't need to understand my life or even make sense of it. God never promised me complete understanding. He did however promise me peace if I trusted. In Dr James' words "Trust needs to be independent of understanding."

No matter how hard I try I can't understand my life and get it to fit within boxes I can make sense of. And in a weird way, that's quite nice! It frees me to just trust.

It challenges me to live with the "even if" attitude. Ages ago Pastor Kennith Chin (from Malaysia- incredible man of God and friend of our church) talked about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego as they faced King Nebuchadnezzar for not bowing down and worshipping him (Daniel 3) They stood before the most powerful man on earth and said

16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. 18 But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

I have to have the even if attitude. I think (!) I do but it's amazing how with each new giant you have to face it again and make the choice once more.
I was driving home late one night this week (ok, late for me meaning at 9.30pm!) and I made my faith declaration in the car. Even if, God. I will trust you and I will love you. My expectation has to be in the Hope, not the hope that my expectation will be met. Now that my declaration is made, I have to live it....

Wanna-be

I am a wanna-be and freely admit it. My friends inspire me and I see parts of their personalities that I love and I want those parts too.

I see such an aspect in my friend Desi. She stayed with me last weekend and was so so sick. She looked green at times as she battled a stomach bug. And... not one word of complaint came out of her mouth. I would ask her how she was feeling and she would whisper "Not so good, Sammy". She wanted to be at every meeting and event and was focused on the women from her church.

At the same conference my amazing pastor was overdue. She was due to give birth on the Friday and on the Saturday stood on her feet for about 8 hours over the day/ night. And not one word of complaint. I asked her if she was sore and tired as I knew she was. "Yes" she replied and that was it.

Now I don't consider myself a moaner and work hard at not being negative. But clearly I have a long way to go!

So here's my promise. NO complaining about late night and tired eyes when I have a bub. If God ever blesses me with a pregnancy, NO complaining about nausea and pain. I shudder to think that I would, but knowing my fallen nature, I probably would. So I am taking a leaf out of my friends books and aiming not to complain!

Making sense

There's something in us that wants our lives to make sense to others. Especially in a Christian world we want to be "normal" and serving God and ok. But what is normal? Normal is certainly not my life. Normal is not walking through infertility as sometimes I feel like I have two heads. I used to think it was me, until I got onto Hannah's Prayer and saw that many, many others are "not normal" either. This journey often makes no sense to us and so our lives seem to make no sense to others either.

This journey makes a mockery of normal and sensible as we would like to understand it. We can be fine spiritually and emotionally and then take a hit to the stomach and be down flat for a day or two. It's an every day, lived in trial, that is a constant. But the way to move forward is to spend less time on your face, and get up quicker after each knock. To always trust God even through the tough days and to keep your hand in His constantly.

I found this in a blog I read occasionally and it expresses what I think and feel:

Oh, the great creeping notion of normalcy. It slinks around us and encircles itself about our feet and convinces us our calling is to fit into a category, or a box, or a statistic, or a quota. We love the idea of being corporate. And not that we shouldn't. But it's usually about following a crowd so that we can be loved instead of folding in just as we are because we are loved. We've bought into the idea that if we don't make sense to everyone else we must not make sense at all.

I know that this journey is not a punishment or a curse but part of God's plan for us. Not looking normal is part of His plan for us. I know that. He is fine with us and where we are at and I think quite likes us with two heads!

So today I caught up with my pastor and friend and it was so good to sit with her and talk. She really saw my heart in the midst of my conversation and I am so grateful. I should not care what anyone thinks but I somehow do. So I grateful that my friend saw beyond my two heads into my life and saw that yes, we are ok. Thank you God.

True worship

How many times have we wept as we stood in church and worshiped God? That bottle that God says He has in heaven with my tears in it is the jumbo 3 litre version! The poor worship team looking down at me from the stage for the 1oooth time, weeping as I sing....not very joyful!
But I realised something. This journey builds deep things into us, it carves depth into our beings. Before we started this process, my faith, my soul and my being were shallower. Not bad, just shallower. Not shallow in a bad sense but untried and untested.
I remember one morning in church understanding that the recent battle I had fought had resulted in depth being carved painfully into my soul. And realising that I was worshiping God from that depth, from the bottom of what had been carved into my soul. The place I was worshiping from was beautiful as it was deeper and more real. What I had walked through had enabled me to give God more of me and worship Him from a place that was inaccessable before.
When we worship God in the middle of a trial it's truly a sacrifice of praise. It costs us something to lift Him up in our circumstance. To go beyond how we are feeling and allow ourselves to worship Him from the bottom of the place that hurts. That is true worship.