Perfection

"You know me inside and out

You know every bone in my body

You know exactly how I was made,

bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day." Psalm 139

living huge

I love how the blogging world challenges and inspires me. I was struck by posts I read here, by my friend Widgie and also by Miriam. And then Rebecca posted on the same thing! About dreams and the courage to pursue them. My thoughts have been rolling around in my head but I haven't been well enough to get the words on a page... until now (lucky you, ha!)

I am so blessed to be living my dream. The dream to provide for the widows and orphans. It's a wonderful time of life for me and us as a family. Full and stretching and exciting.

I am living my dream because I had to. I was pushed into it. And really, I think that's almost a prerequisite in following a dream. Often you have to be made to do it. Because dreams are often huge and scary and involve a lot of risk. I started my business when Rupi was seven months old because I had to bring in money to help support our family. To be real, if Dida earned enough for us to go without my earnings, I would not have made the leap.

But he didn't/ doesn't. So I need to bring in some money. I guess we could have moved to another area, sold our house and downsized in a massive way. But most of our family live within a 10 minute drive and being close to them is very important to us. And we also could have put Rupi into daycare and I could have gone back to work for my previous employer. But we felt that would not have been wise with an adopted child.

I was left with starting a business and working for myself. Which was my dream and the key to fulfilling one of my life's purpose. Being able to support the widows and orphans.

Dreams involve immense sacrifice. The bigger they are the bigger the sacrifice. Dreams are hard. Sometimes I think it's good we don't know quite how hard as we may not live them! I am incredibly time poor right now. I have a nanny, Rupi goes to pre school and I have a cleaner. And still most days the ends do not meet. I am making the sacrifice right now and so is Dida. We cover the gaps between us and it works. I have a gem of a man who sees the dream and believes for it too.

Despite the (at times overwhelming) sacrifice, I would not swop this life and dream. It's truly beautiful. I rely on God for every project and to enable me to give and give. When I reach the end of myself, He is there. I know my children and husband have the best of me that I can give. And they are happy. And we are blessed enough to start to pour resource out. Right now it's a pretty small jug but the pouring has begun. And that is so exciting!

So I encourage you to find that place where you have to make the leap. Living your huge dream is amazing and you will not regret taking the plunge- come on and join me!!

My heart sings

Someone close to us wants to live a dream. Have a little business that has the potential to be life changing. For them and their family. But they can't get a loan. So we are underwriting the loan for them. Giving them a hand up. As opposed to a hand out.

Yes there is risk. Of course. But this person is hard working and motivated with a history of paying back money. And they just need a break.

This is so special for me and as much of a blessing to me as it is to them. You see we have never been given a hand up. And so often we have longed for one. Both our parents struggled financially and so Dida and I have done everything on our own. Yes it's been fine and yes it's built character. Yes I know. But what a gift to extend a hand. To reach out and pull forward.

And that's what motivates me. To be able to extend a hand to those that need it. Especially the Ugandan orphans. This is different to that, but kinda the same. The first step, the start.

So my heart sings. Thanking God that we are able. Able to help this person and celebrate their success!

Equippers Rocks!

Tonight our amazing church, Equippers, recorded a third worship album at the evening service. The house was pumped and we were so ready.

As the music began, my heart was filled with gratitude that I was there. At that moment. What an amazing privilege to be one of the voices lifting Jesus up and creating an album that will change lives. I believe this album will be the vehicle God uses for break through and miracles.

I am so proud to be part of a church that is constantly pushing back the darkness and reclaiming land the enemy has taken. We never sit still and it's wonderful! I thank God that He has placed us at Equippers and I love that my children will grow up in a house that lifts up Jesus above all else.

My Genesis moment

The greatest conference on the planet is almost over. I wish I could be there tonight but my little boy needed a bit of home time. He has been SOOOO good as his Mommy dragged him out for two solid days!

Shout last year was pretty rough. My precious Da (my hubbie's Dad) was on holiday way down south and in the hills on his tribe's land. An hour's drive into the hills from the nearest highway and outside cell phone coverage. The way in is a rutted track that clings to the side of the hills- not pretty.

We got the news that he needed to get to the nearest hospital fast. His blood count was so low that if he had a heart attack (which was imminent) he would die. We were on our way into the first meeting of Shout and turned around grabbed some clothes and headed south. He was in hospital when we got there having the first of many blood transfusions.

We were so scared at the thought of losing him and 12 short weeks later, we did. Shout 2008 was the start of losing him and does not hold good memories.

But this year was different. We still ache for our Da but we know that through his illness he came to know Jesus and so we will see him again.

This Shout was so different.

This was a Genesis moment for so many of us. But for 3 couples the last 12 months have been life changing.

As the years have wound on there is a group of long terms Infertiles that have continued to wait for breakthrough. As everyone who walked through infertility got their breakthrough we could only watch. There was me and 2 others. These women are amazing and the hardest thing for me was the knowledge of what a gift they would be to children. They would be incredible mothers.

I admit that I struggled to even hope that the 3 of us would ever be Mommy's.

But this Shout, this conference WE ARE ALL MOTHERS.

In the last 12 months our situations have turned around 180 degrees. We are all mothers.

I could not contain myself. I am so grateful.

The most awesome thing is that the gratitude I feel flows from the deep place that was formed by the pain of infertility. Infertility ripped my heart and I would give that hurt to God and worship Him from there. It would hurt so much and I would stand there crying (again and again) but it was a sacrifice of praise. My even if.

I found myself the "big cry baby girl" again this conference. I was weeping as the gratitude flowed. For E and B too, who are now mothers. I am so thankful.

I am sorry if I go on and on about how grateful I am but words just don't do what He has done for all of us justice. When I see E walking through the foyer with her little boys (yes plural!) I just want to weep as I know what they mean. God restored the years that the locusts ate. And the beauty of the whole thing is that on the first day of Shout those little boys got E and M as their forever Mommy and Daddy in court. That actual day.

E and I just look into each others eyes. We know. We know what He has done.

This Shout was our Genesis moment. I have loved this conference, the speakers, the revelation, the way God showed up and whispered "watch me do the impossible"..... but what I will remember is how grateful I am. How I stood with Rupi at the back, worshiping. Me. So called barren girl.

God came through. Thank you Jesus. Thank you.

Thankful

I am just so grateful and there is not one moment that I take for granted. I thank God for each minute I spend with my son. I go to bed each night so thankful and look forward to the next day because I get to spend it with my boy.

I thought that this would be good, well I hoped that it would be. People like me who have walked the road we have and are an A-type personality are at a high risk of post natal depression. I knew this and so had no expectation as to what this would look like. All I asked was that my baby bonded and attached to me. So to be loving this is an incredible blessing.

I am in a wonderland, free from pain. I will never stop being grateful. I look through my bible each day and I see the verses and sections of scripture outlined and underlined with dates beside them. I know the pain each verse represents and what encouragement and hope God gave me each time. I can chart this journey though His Word and that is more appropriate than I can ever express. I thank God for the hope that His Living Word brought me. My heart aches for the Sammy back then but how my heart rejoices now!

Thank you Jesus. I will never stop thanking and praising You. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

The absence of pain

It's been two weeks and 6 days since we brought our boy home. I am so grateful I could cry and frequently do (!) I marvel at the fact that I have a son and I (yes me- the "severely infertile" girl) is finally a Mommy.

My baby shower was everything I ever dreamed of and I got to thank all those people who have loved me, encouraged me and stood by me. It was completely overwhelming too and in a way I am glad it's over. It was such a huge milestone for me that to finally reach it was almost too much. It was not one of those light and fluffy baby showers but it was perfect. My hubbie made a DVD for me as a surprise with photos of the two of us of our years together and then photos of the 3 of us. There was sobbing... I am so blessed to have that man as my husband. Everyone really enjoyed celebrating with me and I loved it but now I want to move on.

The biggest change for me is the absence of pain. Pain was my constant companion over the last 6 years. Emotional pain and at times physical pain. I don't think I realised how much the pain affected me. I trusted God and opened my heart to Him and loved Him and trusted Him some more, but still life was incredibly painful. Almost every moment was filled with a reminder of what we did not have. I don't think I am alone in feeling this way. I didn't not trust enough or hold onto my dream too hard, the pain just was.
To be free of the pain makes me light headed. It's a bit like when you have a really bad headache and then after taking pain killers you realise the pain is suddenly gone. That feeling is almost euphoric- the absence of pain.

My friends have said that I even sound different and honestly when I look at photos pre and post our baby, I can see the freedom on my face. I now even laugh differently...! I never want to forget and somehow I don't think I will. I will always be mindful of those like me. In fact, I may have a son but I still want breakthrough in this body of mine, so I may not be done with pain yet.
I want to laugh, like Sarah, and sing like the barren woman, with a cluster of children at her knee.

My moment

Tomorrow is my moment, the one I have dreamed of for 6 looong years. You know.....the baby shower.

There were times that were incredibly hard when it felt like my heart was ripped open and the dream of being a Mommy seemed like it would never happen. Those were the times I would day dream while driving about my baby shower. By faith I would imagine my baby shower- the thing that did not exist yet and had no reason (in the natural) to exist. I would drive with tears pouring down my face and give "the speech". The one where I give thanks to God Almighty for saving me from bitterness and resentment. Where I thank Him for not forsaking me when it seemed like He had. For remembering me so I too, like Sarah, could laugh. Laugh with joy at the favour and blessing of a child.

I have imagined my baby shower more times than I ever imagined my wedding. It has sustained me through such hard times. I think we each have a little thing we do to get us through- when we imagine the victory parade.

So tomorrow is my day, my baby shower. The actual baby shower is incidental. I don't really care what happens and to a degree, who is there. My speech is what matters because He will be there. He will be there in the room mingling, mixing, listening and to those who will hear, talking. I want to say thank you in front of the people who matter. Thank you to my Jesus, for remembering me. For blessing me. For not forsaking or forgetting me.

I want to say thank you. Thank you for my son.

Thank you God

Mike Gugglielmucci has fallen. Trusted friend of our church and man of God has fallen. But I thank you God for the gift on his life. The way that gift ministered to me despite the man and nothing can take that away. The enemy can't snatch that away. The gift on his life from You Lord has helped us stand firm in this trial, and that is real. The song he wrote, "Healer", spoke to us through my Da's death and is the anthem of his life. Nothing is impossible, so much so that I know that I know that my Da is with Jesus. And I know that I will be a Mommy. So thank you God for the gift on Mike G's life, that despite what he was going through, you remained faithful and ministered to me through him.

How can I not sing?

Its been an amazing weekend filled with God encounters at our woman's conference. I got to host one of my dearest friends who is the pastor of a thriving church. What a privilege to spend time with her- our love tanks of quality time are full!

My wonderful man went back to the bach (beach house) with his Mum for the first time since his Dad's death. The bach is filled with Glenn, it personifies the man and everywhere, I mean absolutely everywhere you look, you see him. So a very very hard weekend for my man.
But as we stood in church tonight one of the new songs really hit home. The songs that are coming out of our house are simply amazing (you have got to get a CD if you don't have one) The lyrics say:

How can I not sing?

Freedom came to earth to rescue me

How can I not sing?

Glory came to earth to set me free

The questions of life are ever present. Why infertility? Why death and grief? And sometimes there are no answers. But even in the face of all this with no answers, how can I not sing? How can I not worship my Saviour?

When we look up and see Him, the beauty and majesty of Him, how can I not sing? My heart cannot hold back. Yes it hurts and when I see the grief on my beautiful man's face my heart breaks. Yet he lifted his hands and with tears pouring down his face tonight he sang. Sang for His Redeemer, the Freedom that came and rescued him. He overcame and worshiped his Saviour.

Freedom with Gratitude

What will it be like to be free of this? Not emotional freedom or spiritual freedom which we can have while on the journey...but complete freedom though then receiving of the promise. I see the freedom my friend now experiences and I wonder what that feels like. It must be amazing.

I was reading this morning in Luke 8:26-39 about a demon possessed man who is freed by Jesus. The relief at being freed just jumps off the pages at me. He sites at Jesus' feet after being freed, not even wanting to go home and tell his loved ones. He just sits there, relishing his freedom. He must have felt light headed and almost giddy. I bet the world was brighter, colours more vivid and sounds clearer. And he could look up into the face of his Saviour. This was his Jubilee.

And I love his heart. It overflowed with gratitude. He begged to be allowed to go with Jesus and be near him. And when Jesus told him to go back and tell his family what had happened, he told his whole city. That's gratitude!

I can imagine him walking the streets of his city with dignity and calm. It seems that the demons denied him dignity and pulled him here and there so I think he would never have rushed anywhere. I know I would have always walked- because now I could. And everywhere whenever he got an opportunity, whenever he someone did a double take and recognised him, he would have poured out the amazing story of his salvation. I want a heart like that!

Too often I see people forget the passion they had for God when their prayers are answered. It scares me to think that I would do the same. This man did not forget God and I pray that I would be the same.