Waiting for the dawn

Again really comforted by Angie's blog...

I have spent a lot of time crying in the last few days, and I would love to ask for your prayers. I know that this season (and many more to come) will have peaks and valleys. It's just that when you are in the valley, you feel like you won't ever come out. I think one of Satan's greatest schemes is making us feel hopeless because we don't have the strength to climb again. He doesn't want us to believe that God is our rescuer, that He can carry us. He wants us to feel like God doesn't see us, doesn't know how weak we are. He wants us to believe that our Father has left us, cold and without comfort. No flowers, no blanket, no parent. Just the night sky and the sound of silence. I know it isn't true, but I want to say it because I'm sure there are others who feel this way, and I want you to know that I understand.
from audreycaroline@blogspot.com

At the moment there is no comfort as we sit at the bottom of this dark crevasse and hope for the dawn. But I know that this will pass and I will be able to feel God's loving touch and the sun of joy and laughter again.

I felt this after the miscarriage and so I have been in this place before. It's cold and dark and silent. But here we have to rely on faith and what we have learnt. That God is faithful and His promises are yes and amen.

When God's promises seem empty and the words He has placed in my heart seem like my own imagination I have to remember what He has done. That He is faithful and He will rescue us. That I am cherished and loved.
That somehow this is our year of Jubilee. Even though the natural tells me that there is no way this could possibly be our year of Jubilee and in fact this is the worst year yet, I have to choose faith. That He is faithful and His promises are yes and amen.

Again Angie expresses my heart...

I will leave you with a verse that God has brought to me many times in the last few days, and it has brought me great peace. I hope it does the same for you.

“The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17

The week that was

Well, here we are. Not even a week on. It was today a week ago that my Da was here. In fact this time last Sunday he was with us. Can't really dwell on that too much. We are still in shock I think and are struggling to accept that what has happened is real.


I know this blog is about infertility but this eclipses our childlessness for now. The thing I struggle with the most is that he will never know our children. They will never know what it's like to be wrapped up in his arms and made to feel safe and loved. He was adopted and so was going to help make adoption ok for our children and help them understand that an adopted family is the same and better. The pain of the loss of that wisdom is hard to describe.


His Kelly dog went to be with him today. She was so old and knew her beloved Dad was not around, we think she gave up.

I thank God for the total peace and utter conviction that he is with Jesus. I don't know what we would have done if we did not know that. How do I know that? I don't know but last Monday I just knew. It was a word deep in my heart. Our Da came along to church and we'd had significant conversations and asked him to keep his heart open to God during this time. He said he would and his heart was so soft.

God has been merciful- we both got to tell him that we loved him. It was the last thing we both said to him. I put my arms around him and told him I loved him. And the boys got to spend one last weekend up at the bach (beach house) with him the weekend before.

And I know that God is in control. We are not angry and we don't even have questions, we just have this gaping hole in our lives and we don't understand. This hurts so bad and we don't understand. I got sent these verses from a beloved friend last week and I have been holding onto them.

The Lord rules over the floodwaters.
The Lord reigns as king forever.
The Lord gives his people strength.
The Lord blesses them with peace. Psalm 29: 10 and 11

We don't understand but we know that God is in control. This seems as if it is so wrong and cannot make sense, but God is enthroned over this. He is in control.

My Dad

I believe that He is your healer. That the prayers we prayed for you were answered and you are in heaven with Jesus whole and healed. God came through, just not in the way our human hearts hoped and longed for. But I know that you are free, free from pain, free to go for long walks along heaven's shores looking for the perfect fishing hole.

You have left a hole in our lives that only God can fill. We miss you every moment. We love you so much. Words can't describe how much we love you.

The unthinkable

The unthinkable has happened. My beloved Da, my father-in-law passed away suddenly on Sunday night. His heart could not take the strain of chemo. Our world has imploded and it's unthinkable to think that he won't be in our future. The thing that we could not bear is here.

We love you Dad

We love that our family revolved around you

We love that you made our family a safe haven for us

We love that you fathered the fatherless

We love that you cared for the widows in our street

We love that you believed in our dreams

We love you with all our hearts

Living with no skin

It's been ages since I posted! Mostly because I have been struggling for equilibrium. It's been so frustrating as I find that this journey is like a yo-yo. I go from being pain free and dancing among the daisies to a place where it hurts to breathe. And seemingly in the blink of an eye.

We have had a rough couple of weeks and last Sunday was the worst. We went to the opening of my Fertility Clinic, which I designed (a long amazing story for another time)- Lord Robert Winston was there who did Child of our Time series on TV. As we were the only part of the project team invited, we went. It was awful- they had invited lots of IVF babies who romped around the room. Their IVF success only highlighted our IVF failure. We had no idea all the children and happy Mommy's would be there..... we went home, got into our PJs, into bed and wept in each others arms.

Hence my extreme frustration! I thought having emotional breakthrough would mean that I live pain free! That this would never bother me again and I would be able to live a life as if this wait and journey to Motherhood didn't bother me at all. I long to please Him and "do this journey well"!

God very gently started challenging some of my expectations and understanding of Him this week and although it hasn't made it less painful, it's really helped me free myself from my own expectations. I love how gentle He is with this mad A-type personality of mine, as I just need to think He's rebuked me and I say "hold on God, I'll whip my back for you and double my own load in repentance...!" Like he's ever like that..!

Here's my thinking;
"Is God as pleased with me when I am not "doing well" as when I am? And should I even call my times of heartache and pain "not doing well?"
In my head doing well is being able to live this time in trust and acceptance and joy. Not doing well is living in pain, frustration and tears and not being able to be around babies and pregnancy without pain. The question is, is doing well and not doing well as description from God or from me?

So what about pleasing God? Do I please Him only when I live up to my expectations? It seems that that would be works based and not grace based. The only way I can not please God is by sinning. So am I sinning when I an "not doing well"? I am in pain but I still trust Him and accept this journey... and being in pain is not sinning. So I have to say that I am not sinning.
So maybe I please God in times of good and times of pain. When my heart breaks is God still near? Do I still love and trust Him? Yes- it just hurts a lot!

So at the moment we are in pain. Life really hurts. It feels like we have no skin on and every touch and encounter with a baby related situation hurts. Are we pleasing God? Well, I am still here seeking Him, my heart is not bitter and I am trying to stay open and trusting.... so I have to say that I am pleasing Him.

Maybe there is no "doing well" and "not doing well". Maybe there is just living life with it's ups and downs. Maybe I please Him just because I am. Because He loves me, didn't have one of me and so created one of me.

My revelation this week is that I please Him in times of good and in times of heartache. And it's ok to hurt because we are people with hearts and emotion. We long for the desires of our hearts, which are good God given desires. And I know that this little season will pass and there will be a pain free season to follow- and that's ok.

The Threshing Floor

I was reading one of my favourite blogs and I saw a post that touched my heart so deeply that tears started rolling down my face, at 8.30am on a Saturday morning...! Not sad tears just "overwhelmed and touched by God" tears. It was all about the threshing floor...

Threshing floors are open flat areas, like barns without walls, that are used to process the grain that is brought in from the fields. The grain is tossed into the air and the lighter chaff which is useless is blown away. The heavier grain separates and falls to the floor, then is gathered for grinding. Threshing floors are usually on high ground where the wind is stronger as the wind assists in the winnowing and separating of grain from chaff.

The threshing floor is a simile for a place of testing or trials from God and was a very important place throughout history. Incredible God encounters happened for people like Joseph's brothers (Genesis 50:10) and Ruth/ Boaz (Ruth) on threshing floors. But the encounter that captured my attention was between David and God in 1 Chronicles 21.

David found Himself on the threshing floor owned by Araunah. He was there because He had sinned and God told him to go to the threshing floor. Now we are not where we are because of sin- infertility is NOT a punishment but the thing to note is that David went to the threshing floor willingly. I am sure you are the same as us with hearts that long to be used by God. We have surrendered ourselves and our hearts willingly and so by following Him in obedience we have found ourselves here, on the threshing floor of our lives.
I think its also important that threshing floors are high up. God is found in high places and that fact that the threshing floors are high means that we have had to walk up to them. We make a choice to seek Him.

David was in pain. In fact his heart was breaking. But he did an incredible thing. He built an alter to God on the threshing floor, at the place of his testing and in the middle of his pain. David had bought the threshing floor from Araunah for full price because he would not build an alter to God that had not cost him something. And we know what it costs to build an alter to God in the middle of our threshing floor- the trial and struggle of infertility. Sometimes it costs almost more than I have to lift up my hands and worship Him. The struggle to surrender when I know that He could rescue me and for the moment chooses not to, is intense. But I know that I need to.
Building an alter during times of suffering is of incredible beauty. Suffering and surrender are the most bittersweet partners. Together they give us access to the heart of God. We gain a picture of God that we couldn't otherwise. When we worship from this place we do it from a new depth that is created by our surrender.

But it was the next part of this blog that touched my heart so deeply. I felt redemption and hope. In Chronicles 3: 1, Solomon built the temple of God on the threshing floor of Aruanah. The very place that David had built his alter and was the place of his testing and ordeal would now be the site for the most amazing building to ever be built. The building that represented God, the one that He designed to reflect His Glory and His beauty.

For me this was confirmation and promise. On the threshing floor of infertility God promises to build a temple. A temple so beautiful that people will marvel at what He has done.
Our shabby little threshing floor with it's bloodstained and tear soaked alter where we have laid down our dreams again and again as burnt offerings, will be redeemed. Will be restored and made into something beautiful. I am redeemed.

Jubilee night!

God told us that this year was our year of Jubilee (see Leviticus 25) Well, it's been pretty poor so far in the natural so I am inclined to make in your face faith statements anyway that defy the natural. A bit like the fact that when its obvious that I am not pregnant each month, at the time when my body is obviously not (read between the lines) I go and buy something for my babies.
Jubilee was about parties and celebration among other things and so tonight was a "Husband Jubilee night"! I took my darling to the All Blacks vs England rugby match. We travelled into the city on the bus (yes I went on a BUS) as the buses are free if you going to the match and had a macho dinner at...Tony's Steakhouse" and then caught another bus out to the match. Very bus orientated night!

The match was great! We won, of course, and I was very loud, of course. The funniest thing was during the second half when the All Blacks were thumping the English, the terrace (cheapo seats where people get thrown out from and generally play up- lots of attention from the police officers) got bored and started a giant Mexican wave. But... a Mexican wave with bottles and food thrown up in the air as the wave passes. I could see it coming and as it got closer could see sprays of liquid in the air and bits of food flying as people tossed whatever in the air. Nice.... all you could do was duck and luckily I only got hit by a few stray chips (sans the tomato sauce thank goodness). You can understand why all the bottles allowed in to the grounds are plastic now!

We then caught - wait for it- the bus back home. It was hilarious as Kiwi's are very proud winners and not so gracious losers. So the bus trip was filled with a bit of singing and many loud jokes and comments about the poor defeated English bus travellers.

Anyway, it was great to just have fun and celebrate life. To celebrate God and His goodness and just have fun. We had fun together and toasted our life here and now. Jubilee everyone!