Saved through the fire

Been thinking lots about my friends Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego as they faced King Nebuchadnezzar (and his hot hot hot furnace) for not bowing down and worshipping him (Daniel 3) The furnace is a picture of the trials we face in life and I find myself thinking about this story again and again...
I read someone talk about how God saves us from the fire, or in the fire or through the fire and He has been talking to me a lot about it.

God can save us from the fire before we walk through a crisis. We make our stand, our even -if stand and are facing the furnace. We feel the heat on our faces but before we are thrown in, God rescues us. This is the type of salvation/rescue I pray for again and again and I suspect you do too. We put our hope and expectations in God coming through for us before we are thrown in the furnace. We pray to fall pregnant before treatment begins. We pray that we don't need treatment at all. I prayed that my Da would be healed before his chemo began. It crushes us when God doesn't come through because we see only one type of salvation, salvation from the fire.

But God can save us in the fire. We are thrown into the furnace and the trial happens to us despite (it seems) our prayers. The very thing that we have prayed for rescue from, happens. We are in the middle of the heat and testing and God saves us. We fall pregnant though IVF or chlomophene or healing happens through surgery for cancer... We experience the suffering, we taste the pain and God rescues us. We pray so hard for this and assure God that saving us now would bring Him so much glory! And if he doesn't we are devastated. We (me) fail to see that there is one more way God saves us.

God can save us though the fire. This is the hard one but the most amazing situation. Even though we walk into the furnace, stay in the furnace and walk through the other side with (seemingly) no sign of God or any kind of rescue attempt, there is still salvation. This is passing through the fire of our final and failed IVF attempt and then falling pregnant or adopting. This is losing my Da and discovering that he accepted Jesus and was in heaven.
This final salvation involves the full and complete pain of the fire and the then whole and complete redemption. This is a full work. God crafts us in the fire (remember He is the fourth man in the fire!), does a complete work and allows us to walk out ''unsaved". Then He restores and completes us.
This third type of rescue/ salvation is so hard as it seems as if the promises are a lie and our faith is empty. We believe and hold on and trust, and them walk into the fire, face the whole extent of the fire without breakthrough or release and walk out "empty handed". But I have learnt that we walk out into redemption, into grace and into newness. God restores. I think that there is a special grace for those saved through the furnace. Why? You only have to look at the life of Jesus.
He wasn't saved from the furnace (the prayers of the garden of Gethsemene) or in the furnace (no angel came and lifted Him off the cross). He was saved through the furnace. He walked all the wall through. It seemed as if He was utterly abandoned (know the feeling?) and walked out empty handed- all the promises and revelation a lie. But redemption and restoration waited. And elevation above all things.

So for those of us who wait on the other side of the furnace, possibly facing another round in the heat, there is redemption and restoration. As God honoured, restored and lifted up Jesus, I believe that those of us who endure and endure with faith (no matter how small it may be) will be restored and lifted up. I believe that God will come through with more than we could ever hope or dream of. I believe that we will look back on the things we hoped for and they will be a shadow of the things we have.
So I need to stand firm. I believe that my God, the God of abundance and promise (refined like silver seven times over) will come through. And we will have more than we ever hoped or dreamed of....amen!

Even if

I haven't posted for ages! Every time I sit down to write it's like all my thoughts are swirling around my head and I can't pin them down. We are again facing huge things in our lives. Things that I can't form words around, they are so huge and at the same time so fragile. But really, what's new? We seem to face giant after giant (hence the name of the blog!) and still God is faithful. Still God is the same. Still God is unchanging.

As with countless times before we have a choice, will we trust Him? The answer is yes but this time I learn something new. Through an amazing book by Dr James Dobson "When God doesn't make sense" I learn about the difference between understanding and trust. I don't need to understand my life or even make sense of it. God never promised me complete understanding. He did however promise me peace if I trusted. In Dr James' words "Trust needs to be independent of understanding."

No matter how hard I try I can't understand my life and get it to fit within boxes I can make sense of. And in a weird way, that's quite nice! It frees me to just trust.

It challenges me to live with the "even if" attitude. Ages ago Pastor Kennith Chin (from Malaysia- incredible man of God and friend of our church) talked about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego as they faced King Nebuchadnezzar for not bowing down and worshipping him (Daniel 3) They stood before the most powerful man on earth and said

16 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. 18 But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.”

I have to have the even if attitude. I think (!) I do but it's amazing how with each new giant you have to face it again and make the choice once more.
I was driving home late one night this week (ok, late for me meaning at 9.30pm!) and I made my faith declaration in the car. Even if, God. I will trust you and I will love you. My expectation has to be in the Hope, not the hope that my expectation will be met. Now that my declaration is made, I have to live it....

Wanna-be

I am a wanna-be and freely admit it. My friends inspire me and I see parts of their personalities that I love and I want those parts too.

I see such an aspect in my friend Desi. She stayed with me last weekend and was so so sick. She looked green at times as she battled a stomach bug. And... not one word of complaint came out of her mouth. I would ask her how she was feeling and she would whisper "Not so good, Sammy". She wanted to be at every meeting and event and was focused on the women from her church.

At the same conference my amazing pastor was overdue. She was due to give birth on the Friday and on the Saturday stood on her feet for about 8 hours over the day/ night. And not one word of complaint. I asked her if she was sore and tired as I knew she was. "Yes" she replied and that was it.

Now I don't consider myself a moaner and work hard at not being negative. But clearly I have a long way to go!

So here's my promise. NO complaining about late night and tired eyes when I have a bub. If God ever blesses me with a pregnancy, NO complaining about nausea and pain. I shudder to think that I would, but knowing my fallen nature, I probably would. So I am taking a leaf out of my friends books and aiming not to complain!

More than me

Infertility can be isolating and lonely. It's a painful journey at times. As a couple we have learned to hold on tight to weather the storms and pull together. But it also affects those around us. They carry our pain too and also ask questions of God. My darling Mom confided that she really questions God about this and I realised that it truly affects others. Close family and friends are also walking through infertility and this is their journey as much as ours. I think that's important to remember and even though we are the ones without a baby, our parents are without their grandchildren and our siblings without their niece/ nephew.

This affects your ability to relate to people, especially pregnant girls and couples with new borns. Something in me closes down, no matter how hard I try to relate and "be normal" and it's just so hard and painful to hear about the baby and pregnancy. My longing must be like a neon sign post on my face and I just want to cry with yearning.

This journey requires immense patience from those who love us. Sometimes they can't take it and walk away from the relationship- in a way, who can blame them? But there are others who hold tight and hang in there. Who hold on during the times we can't connect and decide in their hearts to love us anyway.

There aren't words to describe these people. But, being me, of course I will try! They are pure gold, priceless and unconditional in love. Infertility hurts them too as they weather the times when we are hurting. To me they reflect Christ's love.

We are so blessed to have people like this around us. And in the bloggersphere I want to tell Meg that she is one. We love you always Megs and you are priceless to us. Thank you for always loving us, you are incredible.
*****update 10.08.08
Simony you are one too. Thank you for always loving us and carrying our burden. Thank you for always trying to relate. Love you xx

How can I not sing?

Its been an amazing weekend filled with God encounters at our woman's conference. I got to host one of my dearest friends who is the pastor of a thriving church. What a privilege to spend time with her- our love tanks of quality time are full!

My wonderful man went back to the bach (beach house) with his Mum for the first time since his Dad's death. The bach is filled with Glenn, it personifies the man and everywhere, I mean absolutely everywhere you look, you see him. So a very very hard weekend for my man.
But as we stood in church tonight one of the new songs really hit home. The songs that are coming out of our house are simply amazing (you have got to get a CD if you don't have one) The lyrics say:

How can I not sing?

Freedom came to earth to rescue me

How can I not sing?

Glory came to earth to set me free

The questions of life are ever present. Why infertility? Why death and grief? And sometimes there are no answers. But even in the face of all this with no answers, how can I not sing? How can I not worship my Saviour?

When we look up and see Him, the beauty and majesty of Him, how can I not sing? My heart cannot hold back. Yes it hurts and when I see the grief on my beautiful man's face my heart breaks. Yet he lifted his hands and with tears pouring down his face tonight he sang. Sang for His Redeemer, the Freedom that came and rescued him. He overcame and worshiped his Saviour.

Aaron's oil

It's amazing how often we think we are walking alone through life and are the only ones feeling the way we do. We somehow think that even though others face similar things to us, that they somehow deal with it differently. Maybe they don't question or doubt like we do. Maybe their faith is stronger and bigger and ours is weak and brittle for thinking the way we do. I have heard it said that it's a tool of the enemy to isolate us and make us think that we are alone.

But we are not alone in what we face and how we react and feel about it. Others face similar trials and journeys and it is so incredible to find that we are not alone in dealing with them the way we do.

One of my favourite God lover girls, Angie, writes about Moses and how his sister Miriam pushed Moses' basket out into the river. She pushed it out with faith and God came through. Moses was rescued by the daughter of Pharaoh. I can't write the story like Angie has and anyway, it's her revelation. I encourage you to read it.

She described exactly how I feel. How it feels when God doesn't come through in the way you hope. I know what it feels like to be standing in the river having pushed my basket out and God seemingly hasn't come through. My basket just disappeared around the bend in the river....

Again though Angie comes back to the truths that we know. The truth that God has been whispering in my ear constantly since the 29 June. The truths are not that I am infertile and the loss of my Da is irredeemable. The truth is that God knows how I feel and the pain I experience. He loves me, and you, and will not forsake us.

God gave me another picture this week of what we are going through. Sorry if this is a little weird but God often speaks to me in pictures. I saw huge blocks pressing down into one another with incredible force. The pressure of the blocks bearing down was creating oil. It seeped from under the bottom block. It was a picture of our lives at the moment and God said "the oil that dripped down Aaron's beard". I had no idea what this meant and after speaking to someone was directed to Leviticus to investigate further. Leviticus 8: 10 -13 (and Exodus 29)

Aaron was anointed with oil as part of his consecration to serve God in the tabernacle. He was the priest and after washing and dressing, oil was poured over his head which dripped down onto his beard. The oil signified a setting apart, dedicating or consecrating. It was one of the things that was done to make him clean enough to enter the tabernacle and serve God.

So the pressure we are under is making oil in our lives which is setting us apart. It's the process of consecration. That is amazing but to be real, I wish it wasn't quite so hard. This honestly leaves us breathless at times. But I think that's ok, it's ok to wish it wasn't so hard. I am learning to move beyond my performance addiction and not worry about being ok.

God is moving as He moves in all our lives. To know that is enough for now. We are within His purpose and His plan. I know that He loves me and I love Him. Even if I can't react in the normal way I do, He knows I love Him. And I am cherished.

Jesus knows....

One of my amazing friends is miscarrying for the second time. As with my beloved Da’s death the question “why?” is a heartfelt cry. But for us as humans living in a fallen world many of our “whys” will never be answered and each “why” reveals another hundred “whys” behind it.
Why does God allow us to suffer through infertility and miscarriage? Why do people die too soon? I just don’t know.

As I seek I find that there are no answers but Jesus and the cross. Its true God does not always spare us but he didn’t spare Himself either. He sent part of Himself, His one and only Son and experienced pain and anguish and suffering. The God of heaven humbled Himself and became one of us. So when I cry out to the heavens I know that there is a God who knows. Who understands how I feel and grieve. That really helps me. I have no answers or fancy revelation but I know that God knows.

God doesn’t enjoy watching us suffer. I admit that I have wondered if He does in the darker parts of our valley. But when I read how Jesus reacted to human suffering and how deeply He was moved when He encountered suffering, I know that He suffers when we do. He knows what it’s like to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

The High Priest Who Cried Out in Pain
14-16Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.
Hebrews 4: 15 (NLT)

Suffering and pain reveal Jesus. I am more in love with Jesus now than ever before through what we walk through. Somehow this journey allows me to see more and more of Jesus. The only time in the four gospels Jesus is addressed as God directly by the disciples, is when Thomas saw the wounds inflicted by Jesus’ suffering (end of John). Jesus’ suffering reveals Himself. Likewise my suffering reveals Jesus and I see Him more clearly.

Does this make living now easier? Yes it does. It’s of immense comfort to me that God knows. I wish my friend’s tiny baby was safe in her. I wish my Da was here. But still I know that God knows what its like to be me here, wishing for a perfect world.