Yesterday during worship we sang a song which has a line saying''Only Your love defines who I am". And I thought "Who am I, if God defines me?". And God answered me saying that I am honoured and loved. Two of my favourite verses came to mind (Isaiah 49: 16 and Daniel 10:19) which talk about how we are deeply loved. And with love comes honour.
I thought about what that meant and I realised that love and honour drive out shame and reproach. Shame and reproach are issues that come knocking during the journey of infertility. I mean, who hasn't felt less of a woman for not being able to have a baby? Shame has washed over me so often in social settings leading to reproach for not being able to fulfil what seems like the most basic of tasks- give my husband a child and heir. So it was a good reminder that I am beyond shame and reproach through His love and honour defining who I am.
God is quite gracious to me and often speaks to me during worship about the sermon topic giving me time to respond, either give me strength and encouragement or a good old challenge. Yesterday was the same as Ps. Sam Monk talked about living in the light without shame (Matt : 13-16). I loved the sermon and the encouragement to love publicly.
This journey is so often lived in the dark due to embarrassment and shame. It is a hard private journey and I pull away from people, especially people we haven't seen in ages to avoid the question "So.... do you have kids yet?". But God said that I (and you) are loved and honoured and there is no shame in that at all! And if I live in the light and talk and share about this, it gives others permission to do the same. This journey is my salt flavour and when I share it has tremendous power, who I am I keep God's work and glory and power a secret?
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