Our slice of heaven

A place of warm fires and chocolate

Sleeping late and reading lots

Cabbage trees and tiny crabs

Long slow walks along the sand

Dreaming of our little one

Him, me and Tam the cat

Alone but all together

Break it down...

Here I am on Monday, waiting some more. Not a Mommy. Still.
I have been in the cave on the weekend. Not wanting to talk, just be with my hubbie and hide. Why? Dunno.

I think I lose clarity and perspective. It's like I can't see that there is a good ending to this. There have been so many disappointments and hurts that another another delay kicks of some kind of reaction and I lose hope.

Logic and my head are telling me I am crazy and that this wait is normal. My heart has it's fingers in its ears going "I can't hear you!".... The two are going backwards and forwards and I am afraid my heart is winning.

But reading through my journal of Sunday sermons really helps. We have a God-lover for a pastor and he's been doing a series called "break it down". He is white so not quite as effective as if he was brown and saying it with the hand actions!!

However its really good and talks about how when we lose clarity and perspective we need to break it down. Go back to the basics/ get to the root of things.
So right here and now I have no perspective and I am not going to beat myself up about it. But I will break it down.

What do I know:

1. God is in control
2. He loves me. Actually He adores me.
3. I trust Him.

And that is what I have to focus on during this water torture time of waiting. Despite the battle between heart and mind, He is in control. God loves me and is fighting for me. And I trust Him- no matter what....

...still waiting!

Here we are...still waiting. That's ok as I know God timing is perfect and He has this under control. But this is still a battle and the words that God gave me last year still ring true. Before our last treatment He gave me some words and they are for now....

But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. 14 The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14: 13

God Himself is fighting for us- we know it and we feel it. The enemy sneaks in and tries to intimidate and create an atmosphere of fear. Every moment of this process has been God-breathed and the outcome is for His Glory. We hope and pray and believe that the outcome is a baby for us but even if its not (small though that chance is), it's an outcome for His Glory.

We have been attacked again via the social agency which handles adoption. I guess its not appropriate to go into details but again this week after an awful phone call fear and intimidation rose up. We have been led in this process by the birth family but this is not according to the social agency protocol and therein lies the issue.

We have prayed and then walked forward and this process is of God, but how do you explain that to a social worker?

In my quiet time the next day the bible fell open at Nehemiah where I had outlined a small passage a while ago (thank you God!) It just spoke into the situation and I thank God from the bottom of my heart that he showed me this then, for now.

My reply was, "You know you are lying. There is no truth in any part of your story." They were just trying to intimidate us, imagining that they could break our resolve and stop the work. So I prayed for strength to continue the work. Nehemiah 6: 8-9

So I prayed for strength to continue knowing that the words spoken over me were not true. I refused to bow down to intimidation because my God is in control and He will have the last word.

So anyway, we met with the agency today and my hubbie who is my hero, went to bat for me. He was like a lion, a nice polite lion, but a lion none the less.... and the meeting went well. We think they see our hearts and that's good. Thank you Jesus.

We have a cute little saying that we say to one another (from the cat- yes I know...but we love the cat and she loves us!) We say "I heart you" for I love you. Or "hearts to you". So all I can say is "I heart you Jesus... I heart you a lot". Hearts to you xxxxx

Breathe!

Friday was D-day and I woke up almost hyperventilating. I have a weird habit of not breathing properly when under stress or excitement or I am concentrating...

Anyhooo...went off to work where I was like a cat on a hot tin roof waiting for updates. Then, I got a text that the hospital was full and the inducing (inducement??) would be next week...

Ok, can do that. Was sort of relieved and a bit frustrated and had another million or so other feelings all vying for head space.

So we have the weekend to chill and relax. I know God's in control and His plans are perfect. And this is what He's ordained. So in the mean time my tidying frenzy continues around the house. Every single cupboard bar one is tidied! I need to remember to breathe...



God is so good and this little baby is providing such healing for our family. My beautiful mother-in-law is still so raw after my Da's death. Even today she took one look at us when we walked into her house and started sobbing. She cried for about 10 minutes and my heart just broke.

She has kept the bassinet that my darling slept in and has done it up. It's just gorgeous. It hasn't been used since we announced that we wanted a child as it was so important to my hubbie that our baby was first in it. Here it is:




Note donkey trialing the bassinet and the cat trying to pretend she is isn't interested in what's happening.



So we hope that this baby will help heal my mother-in-law and give the family a new focus. Not to replace what we've lost but to add to and help to heal us all. And in the meantime I am practising to breathe and waiting...

Coming soon!

Baby is due soon, I mean really soon! I am counting the days.... Seems like I should take a breath as this is where I have longed to be for so long but the days are flying by.
I just long to have a grateful connected heart with my God. I want to stay in the place of dependence and reliance on Him. There has been too much learning and absorbing and crying and hurting to forget Him.

And besides, this will be number one and I am unashamedly want three! And I have yet to experience pregnancy so there's a lot of room for a miracle. Must say (and I guess I can say it as this is my on-line journal) that I am glad not to be pregnant and having to give birth and breast feed... there, said it! Shock and horror! I am secretly quite glad!!!

God continues to amaze me with his favour at this time. Everything is just perfect, God perfect. He is moving heaven and earth for us and I am so grateful.

Argh...

Sunday we had a baby dedication. Which is normally enough to send us screaming for the hills... One of my closest friends is our senior pastors PA and she normally lets me know when they are on and we avoid morning church on the day. Sad but true...

But this one snuck right in and before we knew it, it was too late. It was interesting as it didn't hurt as much as usual, because of our adoption, but still did a bit. And I was glad that it did because I never want to forget this pain.

But then the person leading the dedication asked all the parents to stand so they could be prayed for. And THAT hurt. It was like we had a giant ""L" for loser on our foreheads and it was agnoy. I looked at my hubby and he had tears in his eyes. He whispered "It hurts huh?" to me. My heart just ached.

Why do we do that? Why do we single groups of people out knowing that when we do there are people we are leaving out?

I made a decision. I will never ever stand up. Not ever. I have been at church when married couples are asked to stand for prayer. How does that make all the many many single girls feel? And I know how much it hurts when parents are asked to stand up.

Now I am all for honour. I love to honour those who do a great job, our pastors, leaders, Moms and Dads, servers etc etc. We need to acknowledge and honour people around us.

How do we do that without causing pain to others? There must be a way. We must be able to love and honour and respect and not make others want to crawl into a hole.... until I figure that out, I am not standing up when singled out, just so that others don't feel like we have.

One more step

We met the birth father and his Mum last week. We were very nervous! It didn't help that our social workers were 15min (!) late and so we'd all met by the time they got there. But we got on like a house on fire. The birthfather is SO nice and his Mum's pretty special too. He likes cats and chocolate brownies so we really couldn't go wrong could we?!!

Again we are totally overwhelmed at God's goodness to us at picking two such different yet equally wonderful familes for us to be joined to. There's no way that this could have been planned by human hands as every detail is perfect. I think that part drives the social workers mad as they are almost not needed as God orchestrates every move.

I can sense God fighting for us in the heavenlies- sounds a bit super-spiritual but it's true. He's up there fighting for this to work and working out every detail. All we are doing is standing at the moment. I am not in fighting mode or trying to work towards break through. All we are doing is standing as my God fights for us.

I feel so incredibly loved...