Moving on

I have a certainty in my spirit. I think the certainty I have is realising the Sovereignty of God. That no matter the circumstance- God is King. He rules. Past, present and future- He is Ruler over it all.

I can't explain the peace and acceptance I have. After 6 years of trying to conceive and 4 long years of invasive infertility treatment, I am not pregnant and have not carried a child to term.

But I do not feel a failure.

One of the most important revelations we had as a couple was being asked the question (as Jesus asked of the blind man) "What do you want?" The question seems obvious but it's not. We want children. Yes, but what do you want? We want to be parents. Once we understood that we long for kiddies and to be parents it meant that pregnancy was in a sense, optional. It does not matter if we fall pregnant.

God answered our cry and broke through for us. The gift of Rupi was more than I ever hoped or imagined or dared to dream of. He fits our family like a glove and we are what each other needs. God made us for one another- biology or not!

Only God could bring us to this place. I now understand how women can reach a place where they accept that their dream may not work our the way they planned. Only He can give me peace in a place that used to be utterly unacceptable to me. And now that I am here, it's actually alright. To let go of the dream brings a relief that I can't describe.

So we are just fine. Yes, I am bone tired. I always am after an IVF cycle and I am still heart sore. When I am alone the tears come and I think they need to. If I wasn't heart sore I wouldn't be human.

But.

I rest in the certainty that it will be ok. Treatment has not worked and that's also ok. I long for children (plural!) but if that doesn't happen we will be fine. God will make it fine and in fact, make it perfect. I can't spend any more time wishing for something that is not here.

It's not giving up on faith. I have faith in Him though, not in the outcome I have set my heart on.

I want to celebrate life now. Enjoy every moment with Rupi. I want to live in a state of gratitude for what He has given us, not always looking forward to what I hope he gives us in the future.

So I am going to wind up this blog. It's time. I hope that it will continue to help others walking through infertility but it's time for me to move on. I want to blog about mother-hood and adoption and cooking and sewing. Be a wife, mother and friend. Leave infertile girl behind- although I will never forget her and the lessons I learned.

I love to write so am setting up another blog- I hope you will follow me over there!