Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Infertile world vs fertile world

Oh Lordy. This blog really and truly tells it how it is. You know, the news. The big announcement that makes you howl in pain, then in guilt as you just can't feel the way you should. The big pregnancy announcement. In fact I am so good at predicting them that I can tell when someone is going to tell me they are pregnant. People have been astounded at my second guessing them before the words are out their mouths. ESP if I believed in it. Super duper defence mechanism more like it! Because somehow it hurts less if I say before they do- yup, strange but true.

Here's an excerpt from the post:

Dear Infertile Abby,I just found out that I'm seven weeks pregnant! My husband and I are thrilled and shocked! It was a complete surprise. We weren't even trying. My issue is that I have a very good friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a very long time and is going through infertility treatments. What's the best way to share my news with her? I think it's best that they hear the news from us in private. We're thinking of inviting them over for dinner and telling them then. Thanks,Fertile Fran

Dear Fertile Fran,Are you high? It's called e-mail. If you don't have a computer, it's called a phone. Your friend's probably going to cry and doesn't feel like doing it in front of you and your husband. It'll just make her feel like a shmuck.Take care,Infertile Abby

Now here's the thing. I get what fertile people are thinking. I do. I really do. In their head, they have this vision of a sit-down where they gently and thoughtfully share the news of their pregnancy and then maybe place a hand on the infertile's knee, tell us how they know it will happen for us and that God has a plan for us or something to that effect. They think we'd be crushed to hear the news from someone else rather than directly from the source. And e-mail or phone? Instant message? No way! In most other situations, it's considered tacky or rude to share big news in these manners.

I understand where you're coming from and that you have good intentions. I really truly do.But here's the thing. You're wrong. I hate to break it to you, but for 99% of infertile people, you're wrong. Let's change the scenario a little bit because infertility is something that is so difficult to connect with unless it's touched your own life. Let's talk about homes. Most everybody can understand that your home is your safe haven, a place where you find comfort. It's filled with memories. Most of us put a lot of effort into creating a home. Now imagine my house just burned down. Or that I lost my home to foreclosure. You, on the other hand, have just sealed the deal on your custom-built McMansion. You're understandably thrilled. You want to shout your news from the rooftops. And that's cool. I'd want share it with the world, too.

However, would you invite me over to share the news with me personally? Do I have to hear your news right before I sit down to enjoy a meal with you? A meal that maybe I was looking forward to as a nice distraction and a chance to get away from the stress of dealing with losing my home? It doesn't seem so important, or even appropriate, that I hear the news directly from the horse's mouth, does it? In fact, maybe it would be better to hear it from someone I'm close with like my sister or my mom.

Because I'm probably going to get upset. I'm not getting upset because I don't think you deserve your dream home or don't want you to have it. It's not personal (most of the time). But my first, second, maybe even third emotion is probably not going to be happiness for you. It's sadness for myself. Your joy is a reminder that I'm in the process of losing a dream. Your news is a reminder that I am broken. Your granted wish is a reminder of my unanswered prayers.

Please stop telling us your news in person. It hurts us. Not because we don't love you. Because we do and we don't our pain to take away from any part of your joy. So give us a little time. Please. Send us the e-mail or give us a ring. And then give us some time. We really are happy for you. It's just that, for many of us, our dreams are now ashes scattered around our feet.

Here's the rub (it's me, I am back! In case the change in slanty versus straight writing didn't give you a hint) these people love us. And often have no idea how to relate, tell news or even talk to us. So other than telling those we love (which still doesn't protect us from those we know casually) I am not sure how we protect ourselves. Maybe we just don't and try to live with grace. Dunno. The post was good though!!!!

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Pasifik said...

Yes, I agree with you. I can feel it the way you feel when someone tells you they are pregnant. My wife and I can be grouped as you called "infertile world". We've been married for 2,5 years and no children yet.

Whenever her co-worker announce their pregnancy its like really hurt her feeling. It's pain for us.

But we must believe someday by the Grace of God and by Mercy of God, we can have our child.

Happy blogging,

Female Fertility|Infertility

Jodi said...

I just came across your blog...and I love this entry!!! I swear I have psychic abilities to know when someone is going to make the big announcement...I can always tell when someone is hinting at pregnancy, even if it's just a cryptic line on their Facebook status! And I agree...I wish our loved ones would decide to tell us anyhow but NOT in person. But... because of my awesome sixth sense, I can usually avoid these potential tear-inducing evenings...

Feel free to check out my blog! God bless!

Janna said...

I just found your blog (through Jodi's blog) and love this post! I seriously want to email this post to several friends, maybe post it in the church bulletin? Just kidding (sort of).

I love that you post about your walk with the Lord through your infertility. Thank you for sharing. It brings me encouragement!


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