Making sense

There's something in us that wants our lives to make sense to others. Especially in a Christian world we want to be "normal" and serving God and ok. But what is normal? Normal is certainly not my life. Normal is not walking through infertility as sometimes I feel like I have two heads. I used to think it was me, until I got onto Hannah's Prayer and saw that many, many others are "not normal" either. This journey often makes no sense to us and so our lives seem to make no sense to others either.

This journey makes a mockery of normal and sensible as we would like to understand it. We can be fine spiritually and emotionally and then take a hit to the stomach and be down flat for a day or two. It's an every day, lived in trial, that is a constant. But the way to move forward is to spend less time on your face, and get up quicker after each knock. To always trust God even through the tough days and to keep your hand in His constantly.

I found this in a blog I read occasionally and it expresses what I think and feel:

Oh, the great creeping notion of normalcy. It slinks around us and encircles itself about our feet and convinces us our calling is to fit into a category, or a box, or a statistic, or a quota. We love the idea of being corporate. And not that we shouldn't. But it's usually about following a crowd so that we can be loved instead of folding in just as we are because we are loved. We've bought into the idea that if we don't make sense to everyone else we must not make sense at all.

I know that this journey is not a punishment or a curse but part of God's plan for us. Not looking normal is part of His plan for us. I know that. He is fine with us and where we are at and I think quite likes us with two heads!

So today I caught up with my pastor and friend and it was so good to sit with her and talk. She really saw my heart in the midst of my conversation and I am so grateful. I should not care what anyone thinks but I somehow do. So I grateful that my friend saw beyond my two heads into my life and saw that yes, we are ok. Thank you God.

Our Living Revelation

This month I thought I had my miracle. The signs were so good, unlike any other month I can remember. But this morning I found that this month would be like any other. I was in traffic on the way home behind my amazing friend Sarah who knew what my day had brought. She jumped out of her car at a red light, ran back to my car and handed me a CD and said the words "track 5". I found this incredible song that spoke to my circumstance and it exhorted me. As I played it over and over on the way home my whole vision, heart, mind and soul filled with Jesus.
The song was an exhortation to me that this time it's not a time to give into the disappointment and hurt. Not this time. This time it's time to exhort my soul to lift up and see Jesus.
"You are our living revelation
You found my lock and turned your key
Opened up every dream in me……You are eternal salvation"
He holds my dreams and they are safe. He opens them up in me so I can trust Him with my life, its twists and turns. And He found me, just ordinary me, and saved me. He picked me to love.
So beloved, I exhort you with the gentleness of someone who is walking alongside you through this journey. Lift up your soul, like David in the Psalms, who exhorted his soul to lift up and see God.
"We give you all the honour all the glory all the praise
The name of Jesus saves"

Yes there is a time to give into the pain, but there is also a time to just see Jesus. Not overcome or fight or struggle, but let His Grace wash over you and lift you up. Just see Him, He picked you to love as he picked me.
So this time for me "No one could steal away this light inside of me" The hurt can wait until tomorrow or next week but this is my moment to "cry Jesus" just like this incredible song says and let His Grace fix the brokenness.

Song by C3 "Eternal Salvation" from the album "for Your Glory" "

Practical 101: Having bloods done

More practical tips as if I can save someone pain and frustration through stuff I have learned, it makes my pain and frustration worthwhile!
Having blood taken is a very regular part of fertility treatment and can be awful. If you have veins as wide as a highway and this is no sweat for you- don't bother reading on. God has blessed you incredibly!
But... if you have deep and skinny veins and this is a real trial, or through repeated bloods your veins have packed up and gone south, these tips are for you.
They are gold to me as both the above apply to me and I break out into a cold sweat at the thought of having blood taken and have been known to beg for mercy in the blood room...

1. Keep warm- wrap up like an Eskimo on the way to your bloods. Especially keep your hands warm. You want blood pumping around all your extremities and not drawn away from your hands trying to keep your core warm.
2. Drink at least a litre of water in the hour/ hour 1/2 before your bloods. I drink a litre and a half. As bloods are first thing in the morning you are dehydrated when you wake up and don't have any further water from your brekkie. Yes you will need to wee 300 times but it's worth it. Rather the discomfort of a full bladder than the pain of pokes in the left arm, right arm, then left arm again! The water makes your veins dilate and they are easier to find.
3. Ask for a little rubber glove filled with hot water and put in in the crook of your arm. This draws the blood closer to the surface.
4. Know your arms. I know (after many painful pokes) that my right arms has no veins that are unscarred so my left arms is the only option. Forgetting this means many trails and unnecessary pokes!
5. Breath- try to stay calm. I do big deep breaths and try to focus on something else. Almost impossible I know.

Hope these help :)

All I have

The prognoses for our loved one is worse than we thought. They need to have 6 months (6 months!) of chemo starting in two weeks. 8 cycles of 21 days each. I have typically reacted in a "what can I do" way and am currently in the throes of a soup making frenzy. Good hearty soup is needed for recovery and so the freezer is rapidly filling with neat little containers with a variety of flavours. Honestly like soup is going to help...

I think I am quietly trying not to freak out. But here's the thing. Do I trust Him or not? I have learnt enough to know that my love and trust needs to be unconditional. Do I trust Him or not? That's the still quiet question in my heart. When I put the soup ladle down long enough to think, the answer is yes. Yes I do trust Him. I trust that He knows what He is doing with the life of this incredibly precious person.

So what now? Pray and lay my burden down. And leave it down at the foot of the cross. That's all I have because He is all I have.

Freedom with Gratitude

What will it be like to be free of this? Not emotional freedom or spiritual freedom which we can have while on the journey...but complete freedom though then receiving of the promise. I see the freedom my friend now experiences and I wonder what that feels like. It must be amazing.

I was reading this morning in Luke 8:26-39 about a demon possessed man who is freed by Jesus. The relief at being freed just jumps off the pages at me. He sites at Jesus' feet after being freed, not even wanting to go home and tell his loved ones. He just sits there, relishing his freedom. He must have felt light headed and almost giddy. I bet the world was brighter, colours more vivid and sounds clearer. And he could look up into the face of his Saviour. This was his Jubilee.

And I love his heart. It overflowed with gratitude. He begged to be allowed to go with Jesus and be near him. And when Jesus told him to go back and tell his family what had happened, he told his whole city. That's gratitude!

I can imagine him walking the streets of his city with dignity and calm. It seems that the demons denied him dignity and pulled him here and there so I think he would never have rushed anywhere. I know I would have always walked- because now I could. And everywhere whenever he got an opportunity, whenever he someone did a double take and recognised him, he would have poured out the amazing story of his salvation. I want a heart like that!

Too often I see people forget the passion they had for God when their prayers are answered. It scares me to think that I would do the same. This man did not forget God and I pray that I would be the same.

Purpose-full burden

A friend of mine has had breakthrough in the journey of childlessness. God has come through in an amazing way and given her far more than she could ever have hoped or dreamed of. We truly celebrate with her in every possible way. As I was watching her this morning I could see that an immense burden has been lifted off her shoulders. She looks like she's been lit from the inside and light and joy just bubble out of her. It's the most beautiful thing to see.

We know that this journey, and in fact any major trial, is a burden. Yes, Jesus says He will take our burdens and I honestly believe that He does, but you do carry something when walk through a huge trial. When I see miraculous and sudden breakthrough like in my friend, you can see what it's like to live free of the burden of the trial.

So I started thinking about how to live well with the trial. Not to deny the reality of it but how to embrace the testing and building. I want to be like my friend who always did it well, with dignity and trust, even when I could see that she was dying inside.

God spoke to me a while back saying that the miracle of this journey for us is not the end result but what happens along the way. This was confirmed this morning at church when Ps. Neil Smith talked about purpose and how everything has a God-created and ordained purpose. He said that our journey is created for us by God to develop us for our purpose. That's so encouraging as it means that this has meaning. Even if I can't see it, it still does. That helps me carry this load and makes it feel a lot lighter.

My God song

Life took another turn last night when we heard that someone very close to us has to have chemo after surgery for colon cancer. This is a person who we love dearly and has featured heavily in our lives. He is going to be an important person to our children so the fact that he is sick and there's no sign of kiddies yet is not great.

Last night I was resolved not to cry and I firmly to set my face towards Jesus . This morning in Starbucks even looking at Jesus made me cry. I sniffled loudly and tried not to sob into my mocha. I know that God is in control and I am very loved, but life is still hard at times. In fact sometimes it's really sucky.

I opened my bible to hide my sniffles and keep my face down and a verse I have never even read before leapt out at me:
"See God has come to save me.
I will trust in Him and not be afraid.
The Lord is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation." Isaiah 12: 2

Just what I needed, I will not be afraid to lose this person, I will trust in God. He can do a miracle and I have faith to believe for one. God is my song and by faith I choose a hopeful happy song of Jubilee.