Thursday, November 27, 2008

The absence of pain

It's been two weeks and 6 days since we brought our boy home. I am so grateful I could cry and frequently do (!) I marvel at the fact that I have a son and I (yes me- the "severely infertile" girl) is finally a Mommy.

My baby shower was everything I ever dreamed of and I got to thank all those people who have loved me, encouraged me and stood by me. It was completely overwhelming too and in a way I am glad it's over. It was such a huge milestone for me that to finally reach it was almost too much. It was not one of those light and fluffy baby showers but it was perfect. My hubbie made a DVD for me as a surprise with photos of the two of us of our years together and then photos of the 3 of us. There was sobbing... I am so blessed to have that man as my husband. Everyone really enjoyed celebrating with me and I loved it but now I want to move on.

The biggest change for me is the absence of pain. Pain was my constant companion over the last 6 years. Emotional pain and at times physical pain. I don't think I realised how much the pain affected me. I trusted God and opened my heart to Him and loved Him and trusted Him some more, but still life was incredibly painful. Almost every moment was filled with a reminder of what we did not have. I don't think I am alone in feeling this way. I didn't not trust enough or hold onto my dream too hard, the pain just was.
To be free of the pain makes me light headed. It's a bit like when you have a really bad headache and then after taking pain killers you realise the pain is suddenly gone. That feeling is almost euphoric- the absence of pain.

My friends have said that I even sound different and honestly when I look at photos pre and post our baby, I can see the freedom on my face. I now even laugh differently...! I never want to forget and somehow I don't think I will. I will always be mindful of those like me. In fact, I may have a son but I still want breakthrough in this body of mine, so I may not be done with pain yet.
I want to laugh, like Sarah, and sing like the barren woman, with a cluster of children at her knee.

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