6 wks and 3 days

Another good blood test yesterday. Haven't quite learnt the art of not panicking before a blood test but perhaps that's par for the course? The nurses are always so breezy and friendly and say hi and how are you, what are you up to....? Inside I am screaming TELL ME!!!! Tell me the result!!!! No waffle, JUST TELL ME!



Anyway.



My hormone levels are over 16,000 now. Crikey. The first reading was 53. Wait a mo.....wave of nausea. Thank you Jesus! I love those waves. Yes I know people reading this will say "Just you wait" like all the other "Just you waits". But. I am so grateful to be nauseous, uncomfortable, bloated, sore and tired. My tummy looks like a black and blue punching bag from the Heparin (blood thinners) and I am still grateful.



[The Heparin is so that if my body decides to mount an attack on the embie, it will not be able to gather resources. Kinda attacking without an army- hehe!]



So the next HUGE milestone is the scan which they have brought forward to Friday. Yay, as I don;t have the spend the weekend trying not to worry. They will check for a sac (sack?) and a foetal heartbeat. If everything is good, the rate of miscarriage drops to 5%.

I cannot believe I am at this point. That I may have a little tiny beating heart (size of a poppy seed) in me. Me. So called infertile, barren girl.



And if not, I will praise my God to the highest heaven for being pregnant for 6 amazing and wonderful weeks.



Thank you God!

Yay for Speck!

Little speck continues to do well. Ok, we think it's doing well as my hormone levels are continuing to rise. Woohoo!



On Monday they were at just over 1000 and today they clocked in at over 6000! Crikey. No wonder I feel hormonal. It's like PMS intensified 1,000 000 times.



And! I have found an angel for a blood sucker. She is at a local branch and now I know her by name, I walk in and say "B please". She is gentle and doesn't even use the air-suckie needle thing (they don't use traditional syringes for blood tests here, it's like a little suction pump attached to a needle that sucks the blood out. Super great for my special veins. Not.) B uses a proper syringe on me. Love her!



So feeling so happy. Or I would if I could keep my eyes open. I am SO tired. But I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!



Yay!

I am

My levels are good, tracking along the same path as previously. They want them to go up in an steady arc and that's what we have. Praise God!



So the little embie (although much different from the picture above on Day 3!) is still alive on Day 23. So I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant.



My muti involves: Progersterone pessaries 3 times a day; eostrogen tablets 3 times a day, asparin tablets once a day, heparin injections (ouch) twice a day, fish oil tablets/pregnancy multi vitamins once a day and apple cider/ honey drink (for potassium) twice a day



Next blood test on Friday.....

Am I or am I not?

Been so sick and now even worse. Worried my body has a fever and the embie has gone to be with Jesus. So had a blood test this morning and we'll see if I am still pregnant. Sigh.



Lucky the clinic is so wonderful. Nothing like a patient deciding when she will have blood tests and then taking herself off to have them! Well, I figure I am a regular by now. Afterall I DID design the clinic and have been a patient for 1,000 years....



Waiting, waiting....

Yes

So yes, the words I thought I would never say- I am pregnant. Even writing those words seems unreal. How could I ever be pregnant? At this moment, God has breathed life into me and I carry a scrap of life.





5 weeks today.





We have been working our way through the frozen embryos and the second (of 4) has bloomed into life. This little one was a 8 cell on paper but they think divided again just before they froze it and was a 10 cell embryo. Strong! When the lab thawed it only 2 of the 10 cells didn't make it so we had an 8 cell embryo replaced.





I had physical symptoms of pregnancy early on and it was driving me crazy so I had a blood test a day early (5 September) and it was positive. I was in shock when we got the call and did not know what to think. Happy scared I guess.





This period in time (5 weeks) is the time when things went wrong last time so I find myself watching my body like a hawk. I have a bad cold so maybe that could cause things to go wrong? And I imagine the symptoms stopping or not being so strong constantly.





But.





I am ok. Should this not work then I have had a week of glorious pregnancy. I never thought I would have this opportunity. It is so wonderful to know that my body can support a scrap of life. Because it's not up to me, it's up to God to breathe life into that little embryo.





Today we sang another Equippers anthem. Amazing song and I lived every line of that song. And a couple of lines resonated in my heart.

The enemy is defeated

As I praise You, praise You

You are Mighty, yes You are

You are Mighty, yes you are

The enemy and what he seeks to bring (fear) is defeated. No matter what, I will not turn on my God in anger or bitterness if this does not work out. It would be wonderful and amazing to work out but that may not be my reality and that's ok. I have come to far to give in now.





My God is my Rock and He will sustain me through this time.





Next blood test on Tuesday and that's the one that told us we were to miscarry last time. Can't deny I am nervous but I will do my utmost to trust in Him. And His Grace will fill the gap for me.

My new blog

Here it is! Come on over!

There's still loads of fine tuning to be done as I determined to make my blog myself, so bear with me (pretty please?)

Can I say one more time: Come on over!

Moving on

I have a certainty in my spirit. I think the certainty I have is realising the Sovereignty of God. That no matter the circumstance- God is King. He rules. Past, present and future- He is Ruler over it all.

I can't explain the peace and acceptance I have. After 6 years of trying to conceive and 4 long years of invasive infertility treatment, I am not pregnant and have not carried a child to term.

But I do not feel a failure.

One of the most important revelations we had as a couple was being asked the question (as Jesus asked of the blind man) "What do you want?" The question seems obvious but it's not. We want children. Yes, but what do you want? We want to be parents. Once we understood that we long for kiddies and to be parents it meant that pregnancy was in a sense, optional. It does not matter if we fall pregnant.

God answered our cry and broke through for us. The gift of Rupi was more than I ever hoped or imagined or dared to dream of. He fits our family like a glove and we are what each other needs. God made us for one another- biology or not!

Only God could bring us to this place. I now understand how women can reach a place where they accept that their dream may not work our the way they planned. Only He can give me peace in a place that used to be utterly unacceptable to me. And now that I am here, it's actually alright. To let go of the dream brings a relief that I can't describe.

So we are just fine. Yes, I am bone tired. I always am after an IVF cycle and I am still heart sore. When I am alone the tears come and I think they need to. If I wasn't heart sore I wouldn't be human.

But.

I rest in the certainty that it will be ok. Treatment has not worked and that's also ok. I long for children (plural!) but if that doesn't happen we will be fine. God will make it fine and in fact, make it perfect. I can't spend any more time wishing for something that is not here.

It's not giving up on faith. I have faith in Him though, not in the outcome I have set my heart on.

I want to celebrate life now. Enjoy every moment with Rupi. I want to live in a state of gratitude for what He has given us, not always looking forward to what I hope he gives us in the future.

So I am going to wind up this blog. It's time. I hope that it will continue to help others walking through infertility but it's time for me to move on. I want to blog about mother-hood and adoption and cooking and sewing. Be a wife, mother and friend. Leave infertile girl behind- although I will never forget her and the lessons I learned.

I love to write so am setting up another blog- I hope you will follow me over there!