Mothers milk

One thing that has surprised me about the whole pregnancy shenanigans is breast feeding. I didn't want to do it as I didn't see the point. I was not breast fed (and am really close to my Mom!) and Rupi wasn't breast fed (and we are really close) so despite being Little Miss Natural, I just wasn't convinced.

As birth approached I bowed to the pressure of well meaning family and friends. "Well", I thought, "let's give it a go." So about 20 minutes after birth the midwife latched Blossom on.

The pain sent me through the roof.

And mind you, I had had NO drugs during labour so knew what pain was! We got a lactation consultant in who tried again. At this stage I was sobbing. No go, I had a voracious baby and very sensitive....you know whats, so it was a failure. After these two attempts I was bleeding.

I tried on and off that day and into the night. I really wanted to go home but needed to sort out what the heck I was going to do. I thank God for my mid wife who wrote on my chart "May not breastfeed" so I got no pressure from the hospital midwives. (NZ is VERY pro breast feeding... and that's an understatement!) A wonderful hospital midwife got me onto an electric pump and I was away. The pain from a machine was bearable. The pain from Blossom was not.

So I have been expressing but it's just become too much. I have to find an extra 2 hours a day to sit in front of a pump. And that's not counting the time washing and talking care of the equipment. I really wanted it to work but my sanity comes first. Again, well meaning friends and family have applied pressure and the guilt at it not working out has been overwhelming at times. But I have a small toddler and a new born and I can't do it all.

My mid wife and hubbie have been amazing and encouraged me to stop. Just stop. In my mid wife's words " A mother who is coping is worth more to your baby than breast milk". So I am in the process of letting my milk dry up. And part of me is so sad. Everything about pregnancy and birth is so precious that it really hurts to lose this.

I am surprised how much I have loved feeding my baby from me. It's been a rare and precious gift and I am so grateful I got to experience it.

And Blossom will be just fine on formula.

High five Mama!

1. Yes, I am really that red
2. Yes, my hair is that crazy- all the time
3. Yes, I have a double chin
4. Yes, that is a small sickie out the side of my mouth
5. And yes, I am utterly adorable!

Love from Blossom

I heart baby feet

My favourite part of Rupi as a new born was his feet...




See?









They were super cute. Little pearls for toes that I would lavish with kisses. I must admit I still kiss his feet now (but only after his bath)



And now I have a new pair of feet to adore...







I use the hair dryer to dry her after her bath and when I dry her feet she extends her little leg and fans her toes out to catch the warmth. Could there be anything cuter? The answer is nope.

Blossom-y goodness

Well I survived my week (ok, half a week). Friday was touch and go but I made it. The moment I hear hubbies car pull up is so very sweet. I can almost hear the hooves of his white horse as he gallops up the driveway to save the day!

Blossom is 17 days old today. I am learning about her and what makes her tick. She is very different to Rupi in every way. He was a lot bigger to start off with. On formula only (obviously). Like a clock with routine and thrived on it. She is more fragile and likes to be held. She is on breast milk with a bit of formula at night. Routine is more flexible with her. Just different and her own little person.

I am desperately trying to free her from expectation and comparison with Rupi. It's hard as he is all I know about babies but I feel it's so important to allow Blossom to be herself. Which is a unique little person made in the image of God. Not in the image of Rupi!

The danger is that we remember only the times when they were sleeping through, bang on routine and generally through all the hard work stages. I know I forget what it was like in the early days with Rupi as I forgot that he went cross-eyed like Blossom is doing at the mo. My friend M reminded me that I freaked out when Rupi did it as I am when Blossom does it. You can understand though can't you? Your baby's one eye wandering in another direction to the other....a little scary!

Where was I? Oh yes, sleep deprivation makes you forget things. Like your name and phone number. True story but that tangent is too long and windey.

So Blossom is just her own little person. And I refuse to start labelling her in comparison to Rupi. And won't allow others to either. So I am not applying words like "demanding", "hard", "not easy" etc to her.

She is cute and bright eyed, a Mommy's neck-cuddle-snuffler, a brother's love and a Daddy's princess.

She is Blossom (hear her roar!!! And quite a roar it is!)

Full dress rehearsal

This morning I did the breakfast run solo, my dress rehearsal. Got up, fed Blossom, expressed and then got Rupi up and potty-ed and fed. I needed to as the hubbie is back to work tomorrow. All I can say is "heck" It's quite full on....



And sometimes someone is just going to have to cry. Most times it will be me.



Blossom is doing very well. Very different to Mr Routine I have to say. She's more flexi and also more clingy. She definitely prefers me still, guess she knows my voice. And I smell like the milk bar!!



Rupi is adjusting ok-ish. We'll see what happens tomorrow when I can't give him my full attention (gulp!) He likes to give Blossom hugs in his enthusiastically violent but very loving way!



I am feeling fine. The "under carriage" is healed and no longer bruised and painful and so all is well in my little world. Now all that's missing is some shut eye...




Here is Mr Enthusiastic loving his sister....! Super cute.




.

Same same

One of the things I have wondered about is the difference between birthing a child and adoption a child. You just can't help wondering if the feeling and experiences of bonding and attaching are similar or different.

The process of adoption in New Zealand with a "private proposal" is so traumatic for adoptive parents. The social services want to ensure that the birth parents have every opportunity to change their minds and parent the baby (rightfully so- the decision must be made clearly) So the baby is kept with the birth parents or extended family/ friends for the first 11 days of life and only after that can the papers be signed.

This is ok with a proposal that is not private because the chosen adoptive parents are not aware of what is happening. They are called on day 11 and told that they have been picked. And please come and collect your baby! But for us, we knew about Rupi from the time Sweetpea was 5 months pregnant. The not knowing if it would all truly happen, was agony.

So when I first met Rupi at 24 hours old, I did not instantly attach/ bond. Make no mistake, I loved him instantly but did not have that sense of "he's mine". I thought that this was down to the adoption process. My first thought when I met him was "You are not what I expected but I don't know what I expected!" Within a day of caring for him, the attachment occurred. I remember feeding him and this rush of feeling came over me, almost elation. And I was bonded and attached. It was a surreal and almost holy experience.

Fast forward to Blossom's birth. I wondered what it would be like when I first laid eyes on her. After all I had carried her and nurtured her for 40 weeks and 3 days! Would it be different?

I am glad to say no. It was exactly the same. She came out and I looked at her and I thought "You are not what I expected, but I don't know what I expected!" Again I loved her but did not feel that deep connection I know that I feel with Rupi. It also came a day later. 24 hours later I was home and cuddled up on the couch feeding her. A rush of emotion came over me just like before. "Mine" was the thought and emotion. And again it was a massive experience and a sacred one.

This has been so encouraging for me. It truly does not matter if you birth a baby or adopt a baby. The maternal instincts and feelings are the same. There is no difference at all. Being a mother does not depend on giving birth at all. The hormones (yes even the hormones I believe!)and emotions and instincts are the same. There has not been one speck of difference between bonding with Blossom as opposed to bonding with Rupi.

God is so good! Merciful and pretty amazing.

Wordless Wednesday