Friday, May 28, 2010

Same same

One of the things I have wondered about is the difference between birthing a child and adoption a child. You just can't help wondering if the feeling and experiences of bonding and attaching are similar or different.

The process of adoption in New Zealand with a "private proposal" is so traumatic for adoptive parents. The social services want to ensure that the birth parents have every opportunity to change their minds and parent the baby (rightfully so- the decision must be made clearly) So the baby is kept with the birth parents or extended family/ friends for the first 11 days of life and only after that can the papers be signed.

This is ok with a proposal that is not private because the chosen adoptive parents are not aware of what is happening. They are called on day 11 and told that they have been picked. And please come and collect your baby! But for us, we knew about Rupi from the time Sweetpea was 5 months pregnant. The not knowing if it would all truly happen, was agony.

So when I first met Rupi at 24 hours old, I did not instantly attach/ bond. Make no mistake, I loved him instantly but did not have that sense of "he's mine". I thought that this was down to the adoption process. My first thought when I met him was "You are not what I expected but I don't know what I expected!" Within a day of caring for him, the attachment occurred. I remember feeding him and this rush of feeling came over me, almost elation. And I was bonded and attached. It was a surreal and almost holy experience.

Fast forward to Blossom's birth. I wondered what it would be like when I first laid eyes on her. After all I had carried her and nurtured her for 40 weeks and 3 days! Would it be different?

I am glad to say no. It was exactly the same. She came out and I looked at her and I thought "You are not what I expected, but I don't know what I expected!" Again I loved her but did not feel that deep connection I know that I feel with Rupi. It also came a day later. 24 hours later I was home and cuddled up on the couch feeding her. A rush of emotion came over me just like before. "Mine" was the thought and emotion. And again it was a massive experience and a sacred one.

This has been so encouraging for me. It truly does not matter if you birth a baby or adopt a baby. The maternal instincts and feelings are the same. There is no difference at all. Being a mother does not depend on giving birth at all. The hormones (yes even the hormones I believe!)and emotions and instincts are the same. There has not been one speck of difference between bonding with Blossom as opposed to bonding with Rupi.

God is so good! Merciful and pretty amazing.

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tea said...

Thanks so much for sharing this! Sometimes I find myself feeling a little less than around other moms who've given birth to their children. ..I've known I shouldn't, but that insecurity creeps in. What you shared here is so reassuring to me.

Your little ones are beautiful!! :)

Anonymous said...


Lena said...

Hi sammy,
Thanks for sharing on this! Since I have only had children through birth i wondered what it would be like to attach to our adopted child... this answers my question. I also had the same feeling when my kids came out- I loved them but there attachment wasn't there yet. it's so good to know it will be similar with our adoption :)

Simoney said...

That's so wonderful Sammy!
God is truly amazing. I feel like for you guys you are just going to be flooded with goodness and blessing, you won't know what hit you!
Over and beyond what you ever hoped.
I feel that for you. Truly.

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