Drying glue

Been super busy this week, caught up with my sisters and some very neglected friends. Done tons of stuff for my little business, cooked and baked, ran errands and looked after a little man who has 4 (yup, 4!!!) teeth coming through.

I have had no time to think and process. Sometimes its good to get beyond the immediate emotion before you process things. The huge emotion of not being pregnant would just get in the way of hearing God's voice and perspective in this.

I am very heart sore but I am ok. God is good, before this happened and He's good right now.

I feel like I am a vase that has broken. God has come along and glued me together. Before I go testing out the glue and looking at what has been repaired I need to allow the glue to dry.

So I am allowing the glue to dry. And trusting Him and reading about Him and talking to him....but just not going right there, analysing and probing at this very moment.

Focusing on just being. A wife, mother, daughter and friend. AND how jolly cold it is! Trying to keep yourself warm soon moves your mind on from the internal to the external!

And of course because I love him so and he is such a comfort to me right now, here is my small man.... I love how fair he is (just like me!) and how his little brow furrows with concentration!

.

Not

Not pregnant. I had my blood test yesterday and the result was not what we were hoping for. We are ok. Upset and sad obviously but not devastated.

I just wrapped my arms around Rupi and cried and holding him made it bearable. I thank God that He has broken through for us. He redeemed 6 years of pain with the gift of Rupi and He can redeem this present pain.

He is my Certainty.

It would have been miraculous and wonderful to be pregnant but I am not, and that's ok. We may only ever be a family of 3, and that's ok.

The only thing that's certain is Him. I have made plans in my heart but if they don't come to pass we will be ok. God will make what He plans our best and I know that in the end we will see and feel that.

Not sure where to from here. We have frozen embies that are life to us. But we would love to just move on from fertility treatment. I am over the needles, testing, invasive procedures, cost and pain. We will pray and ask Him.

So thank you for praying for us. I appreciate it more than I can say.

We are blessed and walk in His favour. I just have to look at this tiny man and my heart overflows with God's goodness to me.

Down pour

So much happens all at once! God rains down and it tends to be a down pour with me!


I am a commercial interior designer and have been doing this for a looong time. I loved it but was so glad to leave it behind. I was totally over it....... Can you hear God smothering a laugh?


I am following my dream with getting, making and designing baby stuff but we ran out of cash. I need to inject some dollars to do marketing and we just don't have it. We were talking about it and wondering how to take the little business to the next level.


Well.


Just wait.

Someone large has a plan!


Through a contact I have been given/ handed an opportunity to do design work. This person is basically pushing me to open a little design company so I can do work for them. He's introducing me to a whole lot of people. I mean you can't buy this type of help for love or money and it's being handed to me.


So I am now setting up a mini design company. Hello? Like I have the time or emotional head space? But when God opportunity comes along, you gotta grab it and say "Thank you"!


I am going into business with her. Yay. And it's good and has God written all over it. So we have been doing a million things this week and we launch next week. Gulp. No business cards yet but we will have laptops and a drawing programme each. We are going to be little and keep it nice and simple. Clean, simple and pure design.

And me?

Trying not to freak out almost constantly. This waiting is hard. I woke up at about 3am the other morning and could not get back to sleep. I was convinced it was all over and tossed and turned in agony. I was a wreck.

Turns out I was torturing myself for nothing and the physical signs I was looking at were drug induced and wrong. Go me.

Psalm 91 is my God-send and I speak it over myself again and again. And again.

And again.

Psalm 91

My connect group (home group/ life group) leader was telling us of a story she heard. She wants to do some more research and find out more details as it's truly amazing.

In the first world war there was a battalion that suffered no losses. That's right- none. This is unheard of in a war that denied life to an entire generation of young men.

The secret?

God of course.

Apparently the commander of this battalion would get his men to speak (there's power in the spoken word) Psalm 91 over themselves every morning when they woke up, before the day began.

God's Word has incredible power and so I have been speaking life and His protection over myself and a very sick friend every morning. I love saying the words and I know He hears me.

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

This I declare about the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

he is my God, and I trust him.

For he will rescue you from every trap

and protect you from deadly disease.

He will cover you with his feathers.

He will shelter you with his wings.

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,

nor the arrow that flies in the day.

Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,

nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

Though a thousand fall at your side,

though ten thousand are dying around you,

these evils will not touch you.

Just open your eyes,

and see how the wicked are punished.

If you make the Lord your refuge,

if you make the Most High your shelter,

no evil will conquer you;

no plague will come near your home.

For he will order his angels

to protect you wherever you go.

They will hold you up with their hands

so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.

You will trample upon lions and cobras;

you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.

I will protect those who trust in my name.

When they call on me, I will answer;

I will be with them in trouble.

I will rescue and honor them.

I will reward them with a long life

and give them my salvation.”

Ah, so good! And I think (praying) we are on the verge of discovering something that will change my sick friends life! It works! Of course it does, why am I surprised??!!!??

We are good, just waiting and waiting. This is a good time. I had a minor (and short) meltdown last night but my hubbie reminded me of how different this time is. I am a Mommy already- this working is just a bonus.

We are undecided about how to blog the results of this pregnancy test. My hubbie wants some time to absorb the news either way and then tell family and close friends. He doesn't want me blogging about it straight away.

That's ok. We agreed that if any of my followers or regular readers want to know, email me at the address above. Not yet though! It's a while off still.

Funny story: I am on blood thinners (Heparin and asparin) to stop my body mounting an attack on the embryo. It means that I bruise very easily at the moment and so I have 50c size buises all over my tummy from the heparin injections.



So what do you do? Get Arnica of couse, the strongest dose you can and rub it all over your tummy many times a day. Turns out Arnica is for after bruising has happened not before! Yikes! I have been making it worse than ever. Not helping at all!



I would post a picture of my tummy but it's yucky and I feel faint looking at it. So here's a picture of my small man instead...

Mothers Day

Mothers Day....the one day that represents in entirety the struggle we have had. Ask any infertile which day is the hardest and it's Mothers Day. Without a doubt.

I have such mixed emotions about tomorrow. Part of me is so glad and grateful I am a Mommy but most of me remembers what it's like not to be. Especially tomorrow.

My hubbie has banned me from being in large gatherings of people (particularly in flu season). If I have a fever at this point my body gets too hot and the embie goes to be with Jesus. It's the one thing the nurses tell you "Don't get a fever!" So we have been sanitising like crazy and avoiding contact with large crowds of people...

That means no church tomorrow. To be honest I would probably risk it but the law has been laid down and I am happy to fall in line. That means that I won't be at church for my first Mothers Day.

Shhh.... I am quite glad.

Why?

I don't want to look in the eyes of those still waiting. Those who are trying with everything they have to celebrate with the Mothers while their hearts are breaking. Girls like me, last year.

Because I know.

My hubbie and I just know when couples are struggling and how they feel. A couple that are good friends are really struggling while waiting. And we know it from the subtle retreat and what is unsaid. Because we are on the other side and to be around us hurts.

I guess I just want to say to those who are waiting that I get you. I know what tomorrow represents and I understand. That does not help in dealing with tomorrow but it does help to know someone gets it. I will be praying for you.

For those on the other side. If you know someone is struggling with infertility a swift hard hug (without words) always helped me. Simoney was particularly good at these!

Let them know that you love them. Because you do. I was so loved and am eternally grateful to my friends for loving me constantly.

Hello world!

Our precious scrap of life....

Abundance

Today was utter perfection. we replaced a near perfect 8 cell embie and....had two really great ones to freeze. We have never ever had any this good before or any that are worth freezing on Day 3.

we are so in awe of hat God has done for us and so very grateful. we have a fantastic chance at pregnancy now!

My beautiful friend M sent me flowers today. I love them! And love that she thought of me from all the way across the sea.

This is the verse she sent with the flowers

The Lord will comfort Israel again

and have pity on her ruins.

Her desert will blossom like Eden,

her barren wilderness like the garden of the Lord.

Joy and gladness will be found there.

Songs of thanksgiving will fill the air. Isaiah 51 vs 3

My Tammy

My little tortoiseshell cat, Tamarin, went to heaven this morning.* It was so hard but the right thing to do. She was old and very sick and we always said we would make the hard decision when her quality of life was affected.

But gosh, I miss her so much.

She made our house a home when it was so lonely it echoed. I held her close so many times and cried into her marmalade fur. She would purr madly at the same time.

She was a constant comforting presence during our infertility journey. We would escape up to the bach (holiday house) with Tam when things got too much and shut ourselves off from the world. We would chill out and walk along the beach and Tam would trot along too.

She was loyal and loved me so much. And I love her. I miss her.

* I know it's not biblical to think that animals land up in heaven. But my family has always thought that a little animal that loves and is loved can't just be nothing when they die. So we choose to think that somehow, in some way, they see heaven.

Perfect 10

My beautiful donor did so well today. We have 10 beautiful eggs that are currently doing their thing with you know...the wriggly things!

She was incredibly brave! The procedure really hurt. She didn't even cry except for a single tear that crept down her cheek at one point when it was really really sore. I am in awe.

I did more crying than she did and freely admit it was so hard to watch her go through this for me. It was the most humbling experience of my life to sit and hold her hand through this procedure. She went through that for me..... it blows me away.

This amount of eggs is fantastic. The most I ever had was 8. The rate of attrition from now on is high. Some eggs won't be mature, some won't fertilise, some won't divide and some won't continue to grow... but all it takes it one!

Despite the medical fraternity thinking this is all up to them, we know better. Sitting in a lab tonight is Life. God Himself is breathing on those little bits of humanity and creating life.

I am so grateful that this part of the journey is over for my donor. The injections, drugs, discomfort and pain now ceases. Thank you Jesus.

In the meantime we unashamedly ask Him for a miracle. For one of those little bits of life to be our baby. I thank God He has those tiny scraps of us in his Hands, it gives me such security.

Please pray for us over the next few days! We have replacement on Wed, all things going well.