ashamed

***UPDATED***
The social services went to the little girls house straight after the call. They had the little girl examined and there was no evidence of rape. Thank God!! There are still huge issues with the family but at least that did not happen. I am super impressed with CYFs' response and they are now trying to work out what happened and what to do from here.
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Most times its so good to be a New Zealander. But sometimes, very rarely, it's not. Today I am ashamed.

We have one of the poorest records for looking after our children in the developed world. We neglect, beat and kill our children. Sorry to be harsh, but those are the facts.

Needless to say I have zero tolerance for any of the above. So today, I found the number of Child Youth and Family, the government agency for looking after the welfare of our children, sat my nanny down and gave her the phone.

She knows a family through her nannying that she still has contact with. The mum of this family sometimes uses my nanny for babysitting. And Friday night was of these times.

After bathing the 3 year old (this makes me feel sick), she noticed the little girl was bleeding. Yes, from the place that no little girl should bleed from. She told the mum who promised she would take the little girl to the doctor. And, you guessed it, no such trip was made. So today the usual nanny told my nanny that the little girl had not been taken to the doctor. So I handed the phone to my nanny who made the call (she made the call gladly, btw)

Why do we do this? It makes me so mad. This family has a history of neglecting their kids. Lack of food, toys and a safe environment. I have provided food on occasion anonymously but at some point there needs to be intervention.

I am so ashamed that in this nation right now, children are suffering. A little boy was killed by someone who lives in his house in the last week. In my city. And this happens time after time after time.

I need to go and pray. Only God can make a difference. But may I say, that today I am ashamed of our child abuse record.

peaceful

The awesome foursome

And so, without fanfare, God brought us home. To a place of peace, of togetherness. God is so good to us.

We went to see our Fertility doctor last week. He's not any doctor, he's our doctor. He knows us and, I think, he loves us. He has known us for 7 long years. I designed his clinic and in that clinic Blossom was conceived. We have wept with him and rejoiced with him. He's OUR doctor.

We went to see him and started to talk. We explained that life is pretty good for us right now and we are facing a choice. A hard choice. He said two very wise things, this doctor of ours. He said not to expect to be happy with whatever choice we made. That this journey, this space was not a comfortable one. He was right. Nothing about this space is comfortable. Comfortable is making a baby at home in your bed. Uncomfortable is unable to conceive and needles and negative tests and all the rest. We are used to uncomfortable.

He also said that the choice we make is more than about us two. There are four of us now and we need to make choices that are good for four people.

So Dida talked about his decision. And our doctor said to us 'I am more than comfortable with that". The confirmation. The peace. We didn't need his approval but it really helped to solidify our position.

So (with Dida's permission I can say)...

We are using our embies. But we are not using drugs. We will do a natural cycle and replace them. The doctor says they don't know if the drugs help anyway so it's a good choice. It works for us, no disposal, ongoing storage or donation of our embies. They will be replaced at the right time and then it's up to them. And up to Him.

We are near the end of the road for us. Maybe closer than further away. Who knows, it's in His hands. So sometime round next May we'll give our embies a chance. If there is another Blossom there, we'll rejoice. If not, we'll grieve a little and move on. Finally move on. And that will be so good.

War dance

Well hello. I survived my birthday and here I am, on the other side. I already feel wiser. Or maybe not.

A lot has happened so I will back up a little. Rupi had a birthday bbq with family. It was awesome-ness.

The funniest was the cousins and the "Haka".

Haka (singular is the same as plural: haka) is a traditional ancestral war cry, dance or challenge from the Māori people of New Zealand. It is a posture dance performed by a group, with vigorous movements and stamping of the feet with rhythmically shouted accompaniment.[1] The New Zealand rugby team's practice of performing a haka before their matches has made the dance more widely known around the world.

The greatest team in the world, the mighty world champions, the All Blacks perform this before every match.

Rugby & the haka are ingrained in every New Zealander which is why in a mini country of 4.5 million people, we have a rugby team that can beat any other on the planet. I have seen how rugby is so ingrained first hand. It starts with the haka. And starts young. Really really young....

Here are a bunch of under-6's doing the haka. You can hear Rupi the.whole.time. He's really into it!

Fun times!

Dolofee a.k.a. Dai

** Dolofee is Rupi's word and Dai is Blossom's word**

In April my sister and I took our small boys to the W.iggles concert. It was a blast. During the concert Dorothy the Dinosaur appeared on stage. Tiny girls emerged from everywhere and clustered in front of the stage, holding red long stemmed roses. I was utterly confused until my sister explained that the roses were for Dorothy as she "eats" them. Dorothy made her way down from the stage and recieved the roses like a big green queen. As she walked around the auditorium the swarm of tiny girls tottered after her.

This was bemusing as all the other characters attracted both boys and girls. I did not get it at all.

Until now. Blossom is in love.

For the very first time and with a large green dinosaur. Yes, it's Dorothy. She sings about Dai all day long and carries the books that have her picture in them, everywhere she goes. It's true love I tell you. I cannot figure out the attraction but what can you do? Love is in the air...!

So someone will be getting a Dai stuffed toy for Christmas and maybe a Dai backpack too. Bless.

Fail

I failed in seeing and acting on a beautiful collision God set up for me last night. And I am utterly gutted. Not condemned, just gutted.

I did the groceries last night round 7pm. As I was walking around the supermarket I kept noticing this duo. A teenager boy and a younger boy. They were obviously not well off and really loud. You know how kids can sometimes be. Obnoxiously loud, banging into things with their empty trolleys and generally being a pain. I tried to avoid them but kept bumping into them.

I noticed the older boy holding frozen chicken and banging it against the cabinet. They had almost nothing in their trolley. I slid my trolley away from the noise quickly and went the other way.

Oh my heart just breaks writing these words and I can't help crying. They had NO money and I think the older boy was trying to buy food for them. Why didn't I open my judgemental heart and truly SEE?

They "landed" (hello God) up behind me in the checkout queue. I tried not to make eye contact. As my groceries were tallied up the younger boy came right into my space so he would see my total on the screen. He kept saying things like "Wow, that's a lot!", then "Look it's getting higher!" etc. All in a really loud voice and I was so embarrassed.

I wanted to pay for their groceries but what did I do? Stay embarrassed and kept quiet. I KNEW I should have done it but didn't. Funnily enough I had cash in my purse and I never do as we are a cashless culture. I thought about offering them the cash but what did I do? A big fat nothing.

I left and felt physically ill on the way home. This is my life's call. To provide for the fatherless, the husband-less and the poor. And I knew that this was a beautiful collision set up for me to provide for two of God's beloved boys. And I failed. I am beyond gutted.

I am sharing this not to get comforting comments back. But to be accountable. If I can't SEE with the little I have now, I won't be trusted to see with much.

I know that God is the God of the second chances but this was my moment. To see beyond my embarrassment and open my heart. And I didn't.



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The Day of Doom

I am facing a huge birthday in 4 days time. And I am not prepared. Part of it is that I am used to hiding my age. Funny but true. We waited so long for kiddies that when we met Sweetpea and J we didn't mention our ages because we were scared they wouldn't pick us. The reality is that we were closer to their parents age than theirs, ha! New Zealand's "political correctness" meant that our age was never listed on any documentation. We just acted really young and hip. Or tried to! And sort of carried it on from there.....

So anyway.

In my attempt to come to terms with the Day of Doom I have decided a few things. I realise that all of these things are connected to the way I look but I only left myself 3 months to make the changes. And trying to learn a new language, study a masters and memorise the bible takes slightly longer.

The first one was to lose my pregnancy and beyond weight. Done. The diet of torture does work.

The second one was to style my hair every time I wash it. Most of you do this automatically but having very straight hair meant I could get away with air drying. I did have to wear a pony tail a LOT but was too lazy to change. The Day of Doom has changed that. So, done.

I am getting real with skin care. I now boast an array of creams with names like "age defy", "renew" & "repair". Fabulous, not. So again, done.

I feel a bit guilty freaking out when some of my bloggy friends are facing massive life stuff, but I am being real. I don't wanna enter that decade!

(sniffle)

the best day ever (for the third time)

Darling Rupi

Today you turn 3 years old. Well, at 9.10pm you will. This day marks the start of all that has been good for us. You, our son of vision & break through boy, began the years of blessing for us. Our life as parents started with you and you brought the sunshine back for us.

You are so loved by everyone around you. From Sweetpea and her family to J and his family to all of us, you are adored and loved. You have brought healing too, to Dida's auntie and helped her see that adoption can be a beautiful thing for everyone involved.

You are filled to the brim with life and bounce into the room. You are so strong and unafraid of anything physical. You can jump off heights that make your Mama's heart flinch and do insane roly-polys. You can catch a rugby ball and throw it back straight- you can only imagine how this makes your Dida feel!

I love how you need lots of cuddles and ask for me all the time. You snuggle in my lap along with the ever faithful Panda and all is well in your world. I love your cuddles so much!



Happy Birthday darling. Thank you for just being you.

Love forever, your Mama