Saturday, November 5, 2011

Fail


I failed in seeing and acting on a beautiful collision God set up for me last night. And I am utterly gutted. Not condemned, just gutted.

I did the groceries last night round 7pm. As I was walking around the supermarket I kept noticing this duo. A teenager boy and a younger boy. They were obviously not well off and really loud. You know how kids can sometimes be. Obnoxiously loud, banging into things with their empty trolleys and generally being a pain. I tried to avoid them but kept bumping into them.

I noticed the older boy holding frozen chicken and banging it against the cabinet. They had almost nothing in their trolley. I slid my trolley away from the noise quickly and went the other way.

Oh my heart just breaks writing these words and I can't help crying. They had NO money and I think the older boy was trying to buy food for them. Why didn't I open my judgemental heart and truly SEE?

They "landed" (hello God) up behind me in the checkout queue. I tried not to make eye contact. As my groceries were tallied up the younger boy came right into my space so he would see my total on the screen. He kept saying things like "Wow, that's a lot!", then "Look it's getting higher!" etc. All in a really loud voice and I was so embarrassed.

I wanted to pay for their groceries but what did I do? Stay embarrassed and kept quiet. I KNEW I should have done it but didn't. Funnily enough I had cash in my purse and I never do as we are a cashless culture. I thought about offering them the cash but what did I do? A big fat nothing.

I left and felt physically ill on the way home. This is my life's call. To provide for the fatherless, the husband-less and the poor. And I knew that this was a beautiful collision set up for me to provide for two of God's beloved boys. And I failed. I am beyond gutted.

I am sharing this not to get comforting comments back. But to be accountable. If I can't SEE with the little I have now, I won't be trusted to see with much.

I know that God is the God of the second chances but this was my moment. To see beyond my embarrassment and open my heart. And I didn't.



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11 comments:

tea said...

Sammy,
This post just makes me think about how I need God to help me in those situations too. I hate it when I fail. I'm saying a prayer tonight, for you, me, and those boys. ♥

PaisleyJade said...

We all do it and man it hurts later doesn't it! I always keen saying to God, give me another chance when I stuff up. He will... He always does. xoxo

Widge said...

Stink :(
Not you but just the whole situation. I was actually thinking something similar the other day driving home from work at how cool it could be one day to pay for someone's petrol while paying for my own. I didn't have a specific person just that it would be a cool thing to do one day ( when I could afford it ha! ;)

Amy said...

Ah!! So know that feeling. Cherishing the reminder too, to really see the need despite the package it comes wrapped in.
x

Cat said...

I commend you on your honestly Sammy
this is what we need to do more of
transparency is a gift
have we not ALL been here???
we MUST stop the judgement and bring the LOVE...when we do that all falls into place and we are all blessed

Love and Light to you

Maranga Mai said...

Thanks for sharing.
I read your post and I thought: perhaps I walk around with eyes wide shut :( purposeful about encounters now, like Amy said "to really see the need despite the package it comes wrapped in."

Sas said...

hi sammy. i found your blog when i googled 'a common thread' after a friend told me about the book... it is super exciting to find another blogger in nz who has dealt with infertility and is sharing from a christian perspective. i have just peeked into your blog but am gonna read more about your journey. so curious. hope it is ok if i ask you questions here and there- may just email. also love how your blog looks. (my blog is very basic and i haven't kept up with it very well!) just thought to say hello!

Shelby said...

Your heart really is obviously soft in this situation. Yes, God was giving you an opportunity, and yes, you didn't take it - BUT, look how quickly you were convicted of it. That is the awesome part! You are soft to His leading and next time you will make the right choice. And just pray for the boys, God has a plan for them and He will provide.

Gail said...

Oh hon. SO been there in different situations - but that doh! I should have, could have... but. Arghh.
However - you know all of that and feel not great about it... and that shows your heart is there in the right place... ready for NEXT time... which will come sooner rather than later!

Simoney said...

Sammy I read this a few days ago but didn't quite know how to comment.
I've been there too, when you feel that prompting, that nudge, and ignore it because of embarrassment or whatever, and then AFTERWARDS oh the regret.
But what it DOES do is make sure that NEXT time we are quicker to respond.
So don't beat yourself up OK?
That will not help.
Just determine that NEXT time you get that nudge, you remember THIS time.
And in the meantime, you can pray for those boys, that God will bring others across their path to share his love. You know he can do that and his eye is on those boys, and he sees them wherever they are.
Love you
x

Nicole said...

Oh Sammy, I feel your pain. A few years ago I was in Wellington Shopping, when a homeless man asked me if I had any spare change. I didn't have cash so I said no. I cried all the way home on the hour long train trip, thinking that I COULD have go money out, I COULD have even bought him something to eat. All we can think is that we can do better next time.

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