Saturday, November 5, 2011
I failed in seeing and acting on a beautiful collision God set up for me last night. And I am utterly gutted. Not condemned, just gutted.
I did the groceries last night round 7pm. As I was walking around the supermarket I kept noticing this duo. A teenager boy and a younger boy. They were obviously not well off and really loud. You know how kids can sometimes be. Obnoxiously loud, banging into things with their empty trolleys and generally being a pain. I tried to avoid them but kept bumping into them.
I noticed the older boy holding frozen chicken and banging it against the cabinet. They had almost nothing in their trolley. I slid my trolley away from the noise quickly and went the other way.
Oh my heart just breaks writing these words and I can't help crying. They had NO money and I think the older boy was trying to buy food for them. Why didn't I open my judgemental heart and truly SEE?
They "landed" (hello God) up behind me in the checkout queue. I tried not to make eye contact. As my groceries were tallied up the younger boy came right into my space so he would see my total on the screen. He kept saying things like "Wow, that's a lot!", then "Look it's getting higher!" etc. All in a really loud voice and I was so embarrassed.
I wanted to pay for their groceries but what did I do? Stay embarrassed and kept quiet. I KNEW I should have done it but didn't. Funnily enough I had cash in my purse and I never do as we are a cashless culture. I thought about offering them the cash but what did I do? A big fat nothing.
I left and felt physically ill on the way home. This is my life's call. To provide for the fatherless, the husband-less and the poor. And I knew that this was a beautiful collision set up for me to provide for two of God's beloved boys. And I failed. I am beyond gutted.
I am sharing this not to get comforting comments back. But to be accountable. If I can't SEE with the little I have now, I won't be trusted to see with much.
I know that God is the God of the second chances but this was my moment. To see beyond my embarrassment and open my heart. And I didn't.