What I know

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Been talking to God about letting go. About not conceiving. And as I let go I realise some things.

I will never be that woman that has to let a child go. Through termination or adoption. I will never know what it's like to have to release. To turn and have to walk away. I will never know the pain of waking up in the morning and wondering about my baby. What they are doing that day. The pain of wondering what my child would be like, if I had made a different choice sitting in the doctors office.

I will also never know ordinary in motherhood. The sheer beauty of ordinary. Of making a choice to fall pregnant and then waiting with expectation. And for that expectation to easily and quietly be fulfilled. In my home, in my bed. I will never know the spontaneous joy of a positive pregnancy test and the anticipation of telling my husband.

As I thought about what I didn't know, good and bad, God turned me around to look at what I do know.

I know what it is to long for something with every fibre of my being. To long to be a mother and be able to sift that longing to see the bottom of it. I know that I longed to be a mother, pure and simple. To nurture and embrace. To enfold with love. And I know that I don't care how I am a mother, to be called Mama is enough.



I know what it is to see a tiny baby for the first time and fall in love. Unconditionally and utterly. I know what it is to be so scared that someone I love so much may not be a part of my life. And then to receive a phonecall that alters my very being. A phone call that says yes, he is coming home. I know what sheer joy feels like, the sweet taste of breakthrough.



I know what it's like to walk into a clinic with someone who is sacrificing for me. Who is embracing pain and suffering with no reward at the end, other than the hope of my pregnancy. I know the joy of pregnancy and birth even though I am barren. The joy of looking into a tiny face and knowing no-one can take her from me.

I know what is is to be loved for myself. I am loved by my husband for me. I cannot give him a child of myself, and yet I am loved. I know what is to be held, in times of incredible sorrow, and be told that I would be chosen again. No matter what, I would be chosen again.



I will never know natural conception. But what I know is worth that lack. Worth it a thousand times over.

“Sing, O childless woman,

you who have never given birth!

Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem,

you who have never been in labor.

For the desolate woman now has more children

than the woman who lives with her husband,”

says the Lord.

“Enlarge your house; build an addition.

Spread out your home, and spare no expense!

For you will soon be bursting at the seams.

Your descendants will occupy other nations

and resettle the ruined cities."

Isaiah 54: 1-3

Letting go

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Dida and I went out for coffee when we were away. On. our. own. It was fantastic. We talked and talked and really connected. We talked about so much and of course we talked about children.

We have a big choice coming up this year. The choice to finish off our last round of treatment. Or not. Which may or may not give us the chance to fall pregnant. We didn't reach agreement but we did realise something else.

I won't be having a baby that I conceive by myself.

Ever.

My fertility has declined way beyond my years and lets face it, in terms of having a baby, I am no longer a spring chicken anyway. The odds of having a baby that would survive or be born without birth defects are getting lower each month.

**Disclaimer: If I DID fall pregnant naturally we would embrace & love the baby no matter what. We made the choice to parent Rupi before he was born regardless of any issues that he may have had and chose not to have certain tests when I was pregnant with Blossom, as we would not ever choose to abort. A baby does not have to be "perfect" to be in our family.**

God is the God of miracles. He is able to open my womb and give us a baby. But we feel that we also have a responsibility to Rupi and Blossom to make choices that we think are sensible. Sensible for our family, possibly not anyones elses. But choices we prayerfully make, for us.

So we are shutting the door to me conceiving. Not an easy choice as it means that we have to let go. Of 8 long years worth of hope that I will conceive. In the natural that means letting go of my genetic lineage. My genes stop here, with me. The end. Of course my lineage continues spiritually and emotionally. But naturally, it stops.

God has been talking to me about letting go. On so many levels. He said that 2011 is when I start new by letting go. So I lay this down. It may be a process not a single decision but I choose to let it go.

Let go of being ordinary- conceiving in an ordinary and wonderful way. And completely embrace the extraordinary. I am a mother in an extraordinary way. Barren but fruitful. Infertile but a mother.

Extraordinary. I like it.

Back

Back.

Back from 4 days away. In the town where Rupi was born. We stayed with my friends Nana. She has been so good to us and her house is a sanctuary for us and always has been.

My friend Meg and her hubbie are energised by people and we are energised by quietness but we found a good balance between the two. We lounged around and ran around and enjoyed the sunshine. It was good.

Strangely I am refreshed. I left Auckland exhausted and returned renewed. I can't wait to see what God has in store for this year. Mostly I long for His Presence and more time with Him. Can't wait.

Meg's hubbie took some photos of Blossom to match Rupi's 7 months photos and they are beautiful....

I am so grateful for my precious little family!

Milestone

Meet April. Our English cousin- for me, it's by marriage. They have been visiting New Zealand and she is just lovely. Her husband is pretty nice too and sounds just like Gordon Ramsey. Without the foul language that is!

They adore the children and we have talked about everything under the sun relating to children. About feeding and sign language and being shy. Sleeptime and wakes times and everything inbetween.

Everything.

Except the fact that Rupi is adopted. I didn't even realise we hadn't talked about it until today. It just never came up. I am positive that someone in the family must have told them our history so I am sure they know. But I never felt that itch to speak about adoption with them. That urge to fill a silence that screams to be filled with Rupi's story.

I wanted to get to this place. Where we can meet people we have never met before and NOT feel like we have to automatically tell Rupi's story. It has become just that- Rupi's story. HIS story. For him to tell.

The pastors at church that have adopted talked to us about getting to this stage. Where the story becomes the child's to tell. Or not to tell, as they wish. It's about respecting that this story belongs to a person. It's first and foremost their story. It's not about hiding adoption at all. Just about it becoming Rupi's story to decide to tell. And then supporting and backing him up in the telling. Making it ok and safe to tell to the people that he chooses to tell.

This has really excited me. This milestone. Rupi's story is an amazing and miraculous one. But it's his story first, and then ours.

So this was Christmas

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas! Ours was very different but good all the same. Dida was really sick over Christmas. He got a yucky tummy bug (for the second time in 6 weeks) on Christmas Eve. He couldn't go anywhere and spent Christmas Day at home, not eating a thing. Poor man. I honestly don't think he minded not eating on Christmas Day as he felt so hideous.

We had a busy Christmas planned and were travelling to visit Dida's sister on Christmas Day. Dida's bug meant we stayed home and have taken things e.a.sy..... it's been just what we needed. Dida was on the mend by Boxing Day and has been feeling better and better.

Their very first Father Christmas sacks on Christmas morning

Blossom's (slightly boring but very useful) gifts!

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Rupi opening his sack and seeing a truck (HUGE excitement!)

The remote controlled helicopter Rupi and Blossom gave Dida- this was a hit! Dida loved it even though he was so sick!

We went out on Christmas Day without Dida and still managed to have fun. We missed him though! It's bedlam with 6 small children under 6 years old but we had a great time!

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Blossom and her oldest cousin. I think these two are going to be very close!

Turbo having a quiet moment...

Can anyone be this cute and still breathe?

Blossom doing what she does best- being cute!

Now we are just doing very little. Chilling is just what the doctor ordered and it's turned out to be great (now that Dida is better!)

I think...

...it may be Christmas soon! Happy Birthday in two sleeps, Jesus!

Today was my last day of meetings and work-y stuff. I got home early and let the nanny go complete with gift and thanks. I got to sit down and play with my offspring (such a grown up word!) without thinking of emails I need to check or things I need to do. Bliss.

The weather is cooler, thank you God! Seriously it's been like a sauna in Auckland. I love the heat and humidity but this has been unbelievable. Energy sapping. The groceries are delivered- yay for on-line shopping! The gifts are wrapped and all I need to do is some baking tomorrow.

I feel my neck muscles un-tensing and the Christmas spirit rising up! Woohoo!

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Yes my children are nudi-rudi a lot!!! It's summer and some of us are learning to anticipate when one needs to go to the toilet. As for the other smllest person, well there's no excuse.

Wordless Wednesday- Late afternoon