Dida and I went out for coffee when we were away. On. our. own. It was fantastic. We talked and talked and really connected. We talked about so much and of course we talked about children.
We have a big choice coming up this year. The choice to finish off our last round of treatment. Or not. Which may or may not give us the chance to fall pregnant. We didn't reach agreement but we did realise something else.
I won't be having a baby that I conceive by myself.
My fertility has declined way beyond my years and lets face it, in terms of having a baby, I am no longer a spring chicken anyway. The odds of having a baby that would survive or be born without birth defects are getting lower each month.
**Disclaimer: If I DID fall pregnant naturally we would embrace & love the baby no matter what. We made the choice to parent Rupi before he was born regardless of any issues that he may have had and chose not to have certain tests when I was pregnant with Blossom, as we would not ever choose to abort. A baby does not have to be "perfect" to be in our family.**
God is the God of miracles. He is able to open my womb and give us a baby. But we feel that we also have a responsibility to Rupi and Blossom to make choices that we think are sensible. Sensible for our family, possibly not anyones elses. But choices we prayerfully make, for us.
So we are shutting the door to me conceiving. Not an easy choice as it means that we have to let go. Of 8 long years worth of hope that I will conceive. In the natural that means letting go of my genetic lineage. My genes stop here, with me. The end. Of course my lineage continues spiritually and emotionally. But naturally, it stops.
God has been talking to me about letting go. On so many levels. He said that 2011 is when I start new by letting go. So I lay this down. It may be a process not a single decision but I choose to let it go.
Let go of being ordinary- conceiving in an ordinary and wonderful way. And completely embrace the extraordinary. I am a mother in an extraordinary way. Barren but fruitful. Infertile but a mother.
Extraordinary. I like it.