This is not me. (Especially the body- I just gave birth, hello!!!)
The last 6 weeks have been the hardest (and the most wonderful and beautiful) of my life no doubt about it. And I have realised a few things....
Having children has taught me not to be quite as judgemental as I used to be. Isn't it amazing how as Christians we can judge? Yuck! We used to judge people who pulled back after having babies. "We won't be like that" we said, "We'll just take our babies along with us and keep going." Great sentiments and ones echoed by some Christians who have managed to pull this off. And I have aspired to be like them as they are pretty amazing.
But...they are not us and we are not them. And I cannot do it all. A humbling realisation.
I could sort of pull it off with one child. Start a small business, keep the home fires burning and focus on Rupi . I had help from my sister and mother and kind of did it all. I did cut back on serving at church as I couldn't attend some things but we managed to get to most events and meetings.
However two small children puts a whole new spin on things! And last week it all came to a head.
I tried to get along to a business breakfast hosted by the business arm of our church. I long to be part of this amazing group of people who inspire and spur me on. I have not been able to make the meetings since Rupi came along so really wanted to make this one as the speaker was the same as at the women's conference the next day.
It took a mammoth amount of organising using my sister and my hubbie who rearranged their days to help. I took off with Blossom in the car and hoped she would fall asleep on the way into the city. Hmmm. Not. I arrived with my tired and whining baby. She would not fall asleep so eventually I fed her early. She then developed extremely loud hiccups and complained on and off. I left early and walked the walk of shame across the hotel lobby with my now screaming child. Yes I attended but honestly? It wasn't worth it.
I cried tears of frustration and self pity on the way home and God whispered in my ear. "You can't do it all". And He's right. I can't do what I used to. We used to be the hard core serving, twice on a Sunday attending, glued to our seats during church people. Now? Not so much. Some Sunday's we are lucky to even get out of the house and into church. And that's ok.
Church for us means me in the parents room and hubbie in creche with Rupi who will not be left on his own. Church means attending at the moment, just being there. Even if we don't hear the sermon or hang around afterwards we are there. Present.
I am so glad God whispered this into my heart driving home after the disastrous business breakfast. Because otherwise I would have had to say that the womens conference was another disaster given how much I saw of the sessions. But it wasn't. I went along with my new expectations aligned with the grace God is extending me in this season. I sat in the parents room with all the other sleep deprived women and tried to hear what was said. But I actually connected more with other women than heard what was said.
And my new revelation was confirmed by my beautiful friend D who leads the Masterton church. As we rocked our babies in the foyer while the sessions went on inside the auditorium we talked about how we could have been resentful. But we weren't. We talked about God and our journeys and just connected. We shared and laughed and had our own session out there in the foyer.
Some things have to give in this season. This incredible, blessed season here in the Promised Land. And I am ok with that. More than ok. Very grateful to be here. And as I have learned to extend grace to others, I extend grace to me.
So yes. We are those people. Who don't always make it twice to church on a Sunday. Who are not always at every event. Who may appear to have "pulled back". But we are there, committed and sold out. Present.