Thursday, January 13, 2011

Bounce back

This is one of those posts that's been germinating in my head for ages. As usual inspired by my friend Tea, who always makes me think and somehow we seem to land up working through similar things at the same time.

To make any sense of this, I need to explain me. I am a perfectionist and pretty hard on myself. I am learning to embrace failure and be nice to me. It's a process! So I have high expectations of where I should be. And sometimes it takes a while for it to dawn on me that perhaps I am having unrealistic expectations of myself.

One of those times is the time I have taken to heal after getting receiving breakthrough in our struggle with infertility.

We became parents in November 2008. 2008 nearly killed us with a failed adoption & a failed IVF cycle to start the year off and then the death of Dida's Dad in June 2008. We were mentally and emotionally shattered. There was nothing left. But we still had an incredibly stressful adoption to go through that was only approved at the very last second.

When Rupi came home the overwhelming feeling I had was relief along with a deep sense of gratitude. The intensity of these emotions abated after a while and I was left with sheer emotional exhaustion. There was nothing in our emotional tanks, we were wrung dry. And its taken two years for our emotional tanks to slowly fill.

I talked to God about it as I have been disappointed in myself. I thought that once I had breakthrough I would bounce back like a rubber band. After all I had breakthrough so why would I not be back to "normal"?

God showed me how it was like we had been in surgery. We had had something that needed surgery to correct. So when Rupi came home we had emotional surgery. And like with natural surgery, we needed time to recover from it. There is a period of healing required after surgery even though surgery may have "fixed" what needed to be fixed.

{Note: This analogy does NOT imply that infertility is something that needs to be fixed or that it is some kind of disease that needs to be cut out. Infertility is not a punishment from God, it's the result of a fallen world and God uses it to bring about His purpose. The analogy is a flawed example that helped me understand what had happened a bit more.}

After receiving breakthrough after a protracted trial there seems to be a time to heal required. Even though breakthrough has arrived, a time of healing seems to follow. This was unexpected and very humbling. It didn't fit with how I thought I should be. It's been a slow time of healing, of learning to dream again and also to let go.

I have let go being disappointed with myself and accepted the time I have taken to heal. God knows anyway and He's in control. His timing is perfect and I submit to it. So anyway, I hope this encourages someone out there. I know that I am not the only person to have gone through a long hard trial and also know that I am not the only person who has high expectations of myself.

It's ok to take time, God has eternity in His hands after all.



tea said...

It does take time to heal, doesn't it, and sometimes it is really hard to allow that for ourselves. I'm glad you're starting to feel your emotional tanks fill up again. ♥

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