decision time

We've had a massive decision to agonise over for the last 18 months. We have spent so much time in prayer over it. The question of what to do with our frozen embryos. We have two left.

The decision of what to do with them would have been a no-brainer before we got pregnant. No thinking needed. We use them. End of story. But the simplicity of that decision is no longer there. And this has been so humbling.

For people waiting for children and couples waiting to complete their family, our delay in making a decision would be incomprehensible. And possibly lead to anger and judgement. I know, because I have been there. I used to get so angry that people would hesitate to use their embryos.

But in my marriage, one of us believed our family was complete and one of us didn't. And this has caused such turmoil. There is no compromise in this decision. Either you try or not. There is no middle ground. We have wrestled and prayed and fought and hugged and cried over this choice. We have never had an issue that divided us like this one. And it was frightening. So we prayed even harder.

Each of us had good reasons for our choice. Really good reasons. And the other could see and sympathise with those reasons. But we still felt the way we did and we stared across a giant chasm at one another. A chasm that separated us with no way across.

This decision haunts couples who do IVF. In the states there are 400,000 embryos on ice. The hard liner says that you need to use them. You make them, you use them. But if you have the family you dreamed of and you still have 8 or 10 embryos, what do you do? The other answer is to donate them. But some people can't. One of us cannot even contemplate this choice and the other can. A whole new set of complications.

Eventually Dida said that the decision would be his. He would go on a fast for as long as it took to hear from God. In the mean time God had been working on me and I was moving and changing position. I could now see where Dida was coming from and understand his choice. So after Labour Day, Dida started fasting. He is like a greyhound in physique and metabolism so fasts are a big deal for him. I am like a labrador, I only really notice the fast on day 2. Dida was dying after breakfast on the first day, ha!

Day 3 rolls around and Dida calls. We have an empassioned conversation and suddenly without fanfare are on the same page. He moved and I moved and somehow despite all the odds, we meet in the middle. The chasm is closed.

I am not allowed to say what our decision is. Dida wants to keep it between us for now and we are not telling even our nearest and dearest. But what I hope to make you understand is how hard this decision was for us. We longed for children. And they are a sacred gift to us. But still this decision was not easy.

So this post is for those out there who were like me, waiting for babies. Or for people looking into the IVF situation and cannot understand how frozen embryos can be just left. Please understand and have mercy. This is not cut and dried and many of the people who struggle with this choice are good people. God fearing people who are good parents and good people.

It's been the most challenging issue we have ever faced in our marriage. But with God there is a way. He has come through for us in way I cannot even describe. We have peace again and I feel a burden lifted off my shoulders. The way forward will not be easy but I know that "we can do all thing through Christ who strengthens us!"

One for the Mamas

[Dislaimer: I am not being judgmental in this post. If it comes across that way, it's not intended. And I am not saying how fabulously hot I am either. ]

Last night I was invited to the International Rugby Board awards dinner. Wasn't that keen to be honest but it was a NIGHT OUT. Without kids and in a dress. Woop!


Anyone who knows me knows that I am a bit modest in dress style. Don't like anything too clingy, short or low. It's just the way I roll. So I arrive in a black flowy dress- complete with top part pinned making the cleavage less obvious, ha! The rest of the table arrives. Yikes. The women, bar one, are young and very on show. Like "poured into the dress, barely holding onto one's bits" on show. I felt frumpy and old. Luckily I was near to the other lady who had a full dress on too and seemed to be similar in age to me.

So we are near the bar and alcohol seems to be a magnet for rugby players. The french team soon make it their base. Well, they had to drown their sorrows after LOSING to the All Black champions didn't they? The young half-dress women at the table are blowing kisses and winking at the french players. Gag. The full dress woman and I start talking, we both have small children, are married. I like her.

Soon the french players start wandering over to see the half-dress women. I kid you not, one of them flashes her cleavage at them. Double gag.

They sit down. Where? NEXT TO US, full dress woman and I! This one sat next to me...(click if you want his name, I don't want a million dodgy hits on this post)


Turns out he's a nice boy. Missing home and devastated after the loss to the All Blacks. While the "flashing cleavage" girl feeds her dessert to this guy seated next to Max, he chats to us. We say that we are mothers and this is a night out for us. He stayed for ages and when he got up to leave, he says to me "Bye hot mummy!" to me....

Yeah man, you can still be hot fully clothed and over 30. Nice to know.

Black Out!

The 24 year drought is over and the cup is back where it belongs...in OUR trophy cabinet! We won the rugby world cup! Woop!

As a nation we needed this. After the pike river coal tragedy, two earthquakes and now an oil spill, a positive like this was just what the doctor ordered. Yes, this is just a sport but it's our national game and we love our rugby. This little island is tired today but absolutely buzzing!

The man of the house was super excited yesterday getting ready for THE MATCH

There was a fan trail for the match watchers (the cousins and us)

The house was decorated man-style, outside...

and in!

Every person, big and small was in full support

And we needed lots of energy releasing for the small people

And at the end of the night, this was the face that said it all!

beautiful chaos

My life is chaos. But it's a beautiful chaos. And I am learning to let go. Chaos is just fine right now.

The days are a balancing act. They are teaching me that living big means living fluid. And I don't do fluid all that well yet.

I am learning to preserve the pockets of time that matter. The afternoons with my babies matter. No phone calls, no emails and no computer. Just us. And the breakfast run matters. Chats with my honeys over oatmeal are more important at that moment than anything else.

I am learning slowly to let go. Of trying to fit it all in. Some things slip out of my small life container, no matter how hard I try to fit them in. Life has to become simpler and clearer. And that takes a bit of learning and many mistakes.

This was a pocket of time that mattered today, time at the park. This photo of sibling closeness is adorable. But really Rupi is squashing Blossom and she's objecting loudly- very deceiving, ha!





Happy weekend!

living huge

I love how the blogging world challenges and inspires me. I was struck by posts I read here, by my friend Widgie and also by Miriam. And then Rebecca posted on the same thing! About dreams and the courage to pursue them. My thoughts have been rolling around in my head but I haven't been well enough to get the words on a page... until now (lucky you, ha!)

I am so blessed to be living my dream. The dream to provide for the widows and orphans. It's a wonderful time of life for me and us as a family. Full and stretching and exciting.

I am living my dream because I had to. I was pushed into it. And really, I think that's almost a prerequisite in following a dream. Often you have to be made to do it. Because dreams are often huge and scary and involve a lot of risk. I started my business when Rupi was seven months old because I had to bring in money to help support our family. To be real, if Dida earned enough for us to go without my earnings, I would not have made the leap.

But he didn't/ doesn't. So I need to bring in some money. I guess we could have moved to another area, sold our house and downsized in a massive way. But most of our family live within a 10 minute drive and being close to them is very important to us. And we also could have put Rupi into daycare and I could have gone back to work for my previous employer. But we felt that would not have been wise with an adopted child.

I was left with starting a business and working for myself. Which was my dream and the key to fulfilling one of my life's purpose. Being able to support the widows and orphans.

Dreams involve immense sacrifice. The bigger they are the bigger the sacrifice. Dreams are hard. Sometimes I think it's good we don't know quite how hard as we may not live them! I am incredibly time poor right now. I have a nanny, Rupi goes to pre school and I have a cleaner. And still most days the ends do not meet. I am making the sacrifice right now and so is Dida. We cover the gaps between us and it works. I have a gem of a man who sees the dream and believes for it too.

Despite the (at times overwhelming) sacrifice, I would not swop this life and dream. It's truly beautiful. I rely on God for every project and to enable me to give and give. When I reach the end of myself, He is there. I know my children and husband have the best of me that I can give. And they are happy. And we are blessed enough to start to pour resource out. Right now it's a pretty small jug but the pouring has begun. And that is so exciting!

So I encourage you to find that place where you have to make the leap. Living your huge dream is amazing and you will not regret taking the plunge- come on and join me!!

Severe cuteness

I am a jandal (flip flop/ slip slop/ thong) fan. I grew up wearing them all through summer and the kiddies wear them all through summer too. I start them young on the jandal fetish. I thought I could recycle Rupi's first pair for Miss Mini-Foot. No, would be the answer to that one. And try as I might, I could not find ones small enough. Until I was willing to shell out the cash to get Baby Havianas. Unbelievably there is actually one size smaller than hers! And the cuteness factor when she wears them goes through the roof!



Our local gelato shop makes pastries and cakes. Which are d.e.l.i.c.i.o.u.s. I overheard the owner reminding her staff to tell customers that most of them are dairy free. What? I never find dairy free treats for little Blosssom to enjoy! I am over the moon and so is she. Here she is trying out the banana bread we bought for her. Happiness is!

sucker punched

It's been 5 days since I last posted and I still feel uber yucky. This flu bug is from the devil, I tell ya.

So because I don't have anything deep or moving or scintillating, here's my day in pictures....

Oats for brekkie, she's getting her appetite back. I gave her the lurgy, poor mite.

Every morning at breakfast, Rupi waves the neighbour off to work. The neighbour loves it.

Supervising me while I dress and playing with my makeup (her) and toy cars (him). Stereotypical much?

Dropping Rupi at school. He always looks this thrilled to be going.

In between meetings checking my email at my second office. My dodgy state of body is not allowing caffeine at this point (argh!)

Afternoon shopping with smallies in tow, stocking up on vitamins. The kids love these, thank goodness as we really need to kick our constant trend of illness.

Bath time! Rupi is leaning over, his puku is not as large as it appears here!

Nanny dropped in for cuddles just before bed time.

That's me and mine today. Happy Wednesday everyone!

germy

I have been absent for a while... I have been sick. No, I AM sick. And this is the week and weekend that my huge (0verwhelming and giant) project completes. The client is moving into their new space this weekend. And I have a very nit-picky IT man calling me every 5 minutes. Like repeatedly at 9.30pm last night while I was trying to die quietly in my bed.

I have the best husband ever. He took Thursday off work to help me label 4 million items of furniture for relocation. I could barely put one foot in front of another and the furniture HAD to be labelled as it was being moved the following day. Good times.

It's a piggy of a flu bug and I am on my second packet of cold/ flu tablets.

I would end this post with something chirpy but really I got nothing. And no pretty photos either. If I had the energy I would spend it on living rather than taking photos.

The IT person just called again. Bless him, Jesus, bless him. As I am helping on site tomorrow I will try and gift him with some germs...