Saturday, October 29, 2011

decision time


We've had a massive decision to agonise over for the last 18 months. We have spent so much time in prayer over it. The question of what to do with our frozen embryos. We have two left.

The decision of what to do with them would have been a no-brainer before we got pregnant. No thinking needed. We use them. End of story. But the simplicity of that decision is no longer there. And this has been so humbling.

For people waiting for children and couples waiting to complete their family, our delay in making a decision would be incomprehensible. And possibly lead to anger and judgement. I know, because I have been there. I used to get so angry that people would hesitate to use their embryos.

But in my marriage, one of us believed our family was complete and one of us didn't. And this has caused such turmoil. There is no compromise in this decision. Either you try or not. There is no middle ground. We have wrestled and prayed and fought and hugged and cried over this choice. We have never had an issue that divided us like this one. And it was frightening. So we prayed even harder.

Each of us had good reasons for our choice. Really good reasons. And the other could see and sympathise with those reasons. But we still felt the way we did and we stared across a giant chasm at one another. A chasm that separated us with no way across.

This decision haunts couples who do IVF. In the states there are 400,000 embryos on ice. The hard liner says that you need to use them. You make them, you use them. But if you have the family you dreamed of and you still have 8 or 10 embryos, what do you do? The other answer is to donate them. But some people can't. One of us cannot even contemplate this choice and the other can. A whole new set of complications.

Eventually Dida said that the decision would be his. He would go on a fast for as long as it took to hear from God. In the mean time God had been working on me and I was moving and changing position. I could now see where Dida was coming from and understand his choice. So after Labour Day, Dida started fasting. He is like a greyhound in physique and metabolism so fasts are a big deal for him. I am like a labrador, I only really notice the fast on day 2. Dida was dying after breakfast on the first day, ha!

Day 3 rolls around and Dida calls. We have an empassioned conversation and suddenly without fanfare are on the same page. He moved and I moved and somehow despite all the odds, we meet in the middle. The chasm is closed.

I am not allowed to say what our decision is. Dida wants to keep it between us for now and we are not telling even our nearest and dearest. But what I hope to make you understand is how hard this decision was for us. We longed for children. And they are a sacred gift to us. But still this decision was not easy.

So this post is for those out there who were like me, waiting for babies. Or for people looking into the IVF situation and cannot understand how frozen embryos can be just left. Please understand and have mercy. This is not cut and dried and many of the people who struggle with this choice are good people. God fearing people who are good parents and good people.

It's been the most challenging issue we have ever faced in our marriage. But with God there is a way. He has come through for us in way I cannot even describe. We have peace again and I feel a burden lifted off my shoulders. The way forward will not be easy but I know that "we can do all thing through Christ who strengthens us!"


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17 comments:

Cat said...

Love & Hugs to you both xxx
Although so different we are yet so similar - one of us is 100% complete finito no more with having babies, the other one of us is 100% not complete longing for more . . . as you say it is so incredibly hard, there is no middle ground on this one and one of us is going to resent the other . . . it's tough really really tough xxx
I admire you both for reaching a decision and can appreciate the difficulty in getting there.
Bless you Sammy xxx

Meghan at MNM's said...

*hugs* I don't have any words *just hugs*

Leonie said...

Wow Sammy, I really admire you and your husband and leaving this to God. What an incredible witness to His amazing love for you to have this division for so long and now to have found a place where you both are satisfied.
Bless you both.
xx

Leonie said...

Wow Sammy, I really admire you and your husband and leaving this to God. What an incredible witness to His amazing love for you to have this division for so long and now to have found a place where you both are satisfied.
Bless you both.
xx

Gail said...

Man, love you guys and how you have gone about this. Not easy at all. Not easy. What an example to set in the 'how to make important decisions' - take it to God.
Big kisses and hugs.

Widge said...

Woah so huge for you guys! Xoxo
We went through a season of one wanting to complete our family and the grief that came with the other believing it already was too. So hard. I've always believed it was God who changed the other ones heart. Love to you girl! The faithfulness of you as a couple is so inspiring!

Rebecca said...

What a great man you've got, I love how he took charge of the situation by taking it to God!
Love and peace to you all x

jennohara said...

I'm glad the weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Hugs to you both.

Christine said...

Wow that would be an incredibly difficult decision. Well done on putting all your trust in God! We are not at the IVF stage, but heading that way... I don't look forward to the hard choices we will have to make, and we pray that God will direct us! God Bless!!

Simoney said...

Wow Sammy. What a powerful post, what an amazing (tho difficult) journey you guys are on.
THANKS SO MUCH for sharing with us, even as much as you have.
And BTW we will be at your "DO" with BELLS on, baby!

{will try and think of a cool-as prezzie, all suggestions gratefully rec'd}
xx

Cat said...

a beautiful post about Faith and Love
inspiring!

love and light

Rachel Kate said...

loving your honesty :) and if you've fasted about your decision, who are others to judge that. They aren't in your shoes xo

Helen said...

Big hugs. I'm glad you've both found a solution you are at peace with. Thinking of you xo

Penny said...

Love you xxx

intermittentblogger said...

What an incredibly hard decision to make. I have no idea what I'd do if it were me. Whatever you have decided I am glad you've made peace with it!

jacksta said...

hugs xx

Sarah of 'Catching the Magic' said...

I can't begin to imagine what you've been through. This is such a well written post and you come across as such an incredibly thoughtful, caring couple. I'm glad you've come to a half way point where you can move on in agreement x

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