Saturday, October 29, 2011
We've had a massive decision to agonise over for the last 18 months. We have spent so much time in prayer over it. The question of what to do with our frozen embryos. We have two left.
The decision of what to do with them would have been a no-brainer before we got pregnant. No thinking needed. We use them. End of story. But the simplicity of that decision is no longer there. And this has been so humbling.
For people waiting for children and couples waiting to complete their family, our delay in making a decision would be incomprehensible. And possibly lead to anger and judgement. I know, because I have been there. I used to get so angry that people would hesitate to use their embryos.
But in my marriage, one of us believed our family was complete and one of us didn't. And this has caused such turmoil. There is no compromise in this decision. Either you try or not. There is no middle ground. We have wrestled and prayed and fought and hugged and cried over this choice. We have never had an issue that divided us like this one. And it was frightening. So we prayed even harder.
Each of us had good reasons for our choice. Really good reasons. And the other could see and sympathise with those reasons. But we still felt the way we did and we stared across a giant chasm at one another. A chasm that separated us with no way across.
This decision haunts couples who do IVF. In the states there are 400,000 embryos on ice. The hard liner says that you need to use them. You make them, you use them. But if you have the family you dreamed of and you still have 8 or 10 embryos, what do you do? The other answer is to donate them. But some people can't. One of us cannot even contemplate this choice and the other can. A whole new set of complications.
Eventually Dida said that the decision would be his. He would go on a fast for as long as it took to hear from God. In the mean time God had been working on me and I was moving and changing position. I could now see where Dida was coming from and understand his choice. So after Labour Day, Dida started fasting. He is like a greyhound in physique and metabolism so fasts are a big deal for him. I am like a labrador, I only really notice the fast on day 2. Dida was dying after breakfast on the first day, ha!
Day 3 rolls around and Dida calls. We have an empassioned conversation and suddenly without fanfare are on the same page. He moved and I moved and somehow despite all the odds, we meet in the middle. The chasm is closed.
I am not allowed to say what our decision is. Dida wants to keep it between us for now and we are not telling even our nearest and dearest. But what I hope to make you understand is how hard this decision was for us. We longed for children. And they are a sacred gift to us. But still this decision was not easy.
So this post is for those out there who were like me, waiting for babies. Or for people looking into the IVF situation and cannot understand how frozen embryos can be just left. Please understand and have mercy. This is not cut and dried and many of the people who struggle with this choice are good people. God fearing people who are good parents and good people.
It's been the most challenging issue we have ever faced in our marriage. But with God there is a way. He has come through for us in way I cannot even describe. We have peace again and I feel a burden lifted off my shoulders. The way forward will not be easy but I know that "we can do all thing through Christ who strengthens us!"