Another thing I did not know

There are many things I do not know. Despite being very ordered (some cruel folks would call it it OCD) I am not a great researcher or very detailed. I do things intuitively and this would include pregnancy.



I have read bits of books and picked up wisdom here and there. One of the "pearls" I picked up is that eating for two is nonsense. Apparently you don't need to eat for two people when one of you is very small.



I have taken this to heart as I have seen the scales go up and up. Add to this my previous eating issues and well, I have been eating pretty much as normal. We are healthy eaters and don't do a lot of junk either.



I have found recently that by the time my hubbie gets home, I am unable to cope with life anymore. I have the shakes, am absolutely shattered and highly emotional. After the evening meal, life returns to normal. I am at peace and suddenly everything looks rosy again. This cycle has continued for weeks....



My chiropractor asked me if I was eating enough when I complained of fatigue and I talked to a couple of other people about it. A light dawned- maybe I should eat more...and yes, this would be ok.



Honestly, this had not dawned on me before. Duh.



Adding an extra meal in today has been miraculous. My hubbie came home and found his wife at home instead of Medusa who snarls and growls and cries (a lot).



Life is good again. I feel like a person again. And that is quite nice.

My angel of destruction

My sweet little boy is ALL BOY. I think you know what I mean. He shouts, crashes, runs and leaps through each day at 100 miles an hour and I suspect it's going to get (a lot) worse. And... I love it.


In our house we heart reading a lot. I am the main reader and hoard, covet and love books! My hubbie is a semi-reader (a book has to be unbelievable for him to finish it) but loves that I read so much and wants to encourage Rupi as much as he can. So Rupi always has books around him.

He loves to read and often asks if we can get him books. He chooses the ones he wants and sits down to read and asks us to read with him. Fabulous, we like it. He also gets a book or two in his cot when it's sleep time.... unsupervised.

And yes, the books are taking a bit of a hammering.

Here we have a mild case of destruction, only a few pieces are torn off.









The destruction of this poor book is one step worse- the covers have been almost completely annihilated.










And the finale to all of the destruction was what I found after today's nap.....









I don't think Toby the tiger is ever going to be able to show us again how he leaped in the river.

Ever again.

Ever.

Poor Toby- his showcase moment is beyond redemption.

Little boy Einas [Ouches]

Rupi got bitten by a spider the night before last and yesterday his foot was red, puffy, hot and sore. I was a tad worried.

Simoney recommended I draw around the infection and see if it spreads. Brilliant girl. While he slept at lunch I checked him 500 million times and decided the venom was now on the move. I could see it tracking up his ankle in the half light....ok so it wasn't but it looked like it was.

I shot off to the doctor and had my diagnosis confirmed. The doctors I go to are fabulous. They have him some homeopathic medication and asked if I wanted antibiotics as a preventative measure. This was a big deal as he has never been on antibiotics and is not (yet) vaccinated. [Get yourself up off the floor, that's right he's NOT vaccinated...]

As he's really healthy and never been sick apart from that vomiting/ diarrhoea bug I decided to wait until this morning. This is after I panicked and got the prescription plus kiddie probiotics and stocked up on baby pamol.... You just never know, imagine wanting the antibiotics at 4am????

This morning though his little immune system was winning the battle. The bite wound is now red, not purple and he is running around on his foot without any hassle. Yay! Anyone want some free antibiotics?

Giving up?

Every now and then something someone writes about infertility grabs me by the throat. I can't help it.

I was eating my lunch and reading though everybody's latest posts and one just stood out. I struggled to finish my lunch as it has gripped me. Gripped me with a question and a thought. I have to follow this train of thought!

I am not going to link to this girl. If you know me and who I follow it will be easy to find this post but somehow I am not going to do it. Maybe because the post was so raw. This girl I love. We have never met and most likely never will but I love her. I love her vitality, openness and transparency. And I love how she seeks after Him.

This is cry from the heart about having a baby, a second child.

I believe I have given up. I really cant remember the last time i prayed for the LORD to give us another child. Its not that I don't think he can do it, its just that.....well, I don't think I believe anymore that this is his will for our lives. A friend challenged me ( and I do believe she meant well) to think about how I have lost faith in Gods ability to do this. Well...is that wrong? Is it wrong for me to just say, "you know what LORD I am just going to accept that this is your will for me to not have any more babies". I don't know what to think anymore...I am not sure what my perspective should be. I just don't want to loose faith in this God who is able to do all things.... I am praying that I can have faith just as Mary did when she was told she would give birth to the Savior of the world.....

So has she "lost faith"? Did I "lose faith" when I struggled to believe?

The pastors at our church were incredibly gentle with us during our struggle with infertility. I thank God for them, they are amazing. One pastor said to me once to remember that "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and to be kind to myself. This man is a leader in our nation and his words were like a balm to my soul. We fought for our hearts not to be sick. Continually holding on and believing and then facing monthly evidence of hope deferred is so very hard.

So we need to be kind to ourselves during a long and protracted struggle. Allow ourselves the space and time to be sad/ angry/ tired/ frustrated. And allow God the time and space to heal and uplift us.

I think God gifts you with the strength to lay a dream down. Especially a dream or desire that you have held onto for a long time. Another pastor at church said that we should submit our desire to have a child and maybe it wasn't in God's plan for us to have children.

But something in me NEVER could. I could never accept that we were not going to have a child. There was something in me that would not lay down and so I continued to have faith. At times it was so weak and small it wondered if it had survived. But with any whiff of hope it fanned into a little flame and there it was. It never ever went away.

Conversely we did lay the dream to have another child down. This was a God given gift to me. When Rupi was about 8 weeks old I packed his first baby clothes away. I wept as I realised that I may never use those clothes again. I cried out to God that I wanted another baby. But as I held my little boy the pain was soothed. I felt peace.

When we did this last cycle of treatment we knew it was the last one. And we had peace about it. When we got the call that it had failed I fell on my knees and rocked with old familiar pain. My hubbie then placed Rupi in my arms and I held him as I cried. This time the pain was fleeting. My dream was realised. I was a mother and God had come through. I could lay the dream down.

Yes we are pregnant and expecting another child. This one is the bonus blessing. We were remarkably casual during the process of using the frozen embies because our dream had been realised. I am so so grateful to have another child but I am already a mother. This pregnancy is not our answer or breakthrough, it's the cherry on the top. The evidence of God's abundance.

I am not saying that one child should be enough. I used to think that when I was infertile and wonder about people longing for another child. But how many is up to God and the couple. All I am saying is that it's ok to lay a dream down. Sometimes it's ok to lay a dream down for a season and allow God to carry it.

In my opinion, my friend does not lack faith. This may be the call to submit her dream and move on; it may be a time for God to carry it or it may be the time to press into Him for more strength and faith to carry on believing.

Whatever she does, she is a woman of faith walking through a hard and difficult season. And I love her.

Ronel

My heart breaks for the Haitian orphans. Instead of the road being made easier for them to join forever families, it's being made harder. It seemed for a while that it would be made easy but it's turning out to be the opposite.

Incredibly some of the stumbling blocks are from UNICEF. Read this post for a story on Ronel, an orphan trying to get home to his family waiting in the US. It also details UNICEF's stance which is basically that children should be kept in their original culture, even if it's in an institution.

Part of me gets why they would like to keep cultural heritage intact in a child's life. But most of me cannot understand how an institution is better than a Mommy and a Daddy- even if they are a different culture/ colour/ nationality.

Ronel's Mommy-to-be, Debra, has a blog and I can't stop looking back to see there is an update on Ronel. This is one boy's story and I know it will have a happy ending but there are so many other orphans at risk and waiting. Waiting.

All I can do is pray and thank God that when we do He moves mountains. Isn't He just the best?

Normal

Part of me revels in the fact that I am so normal at this stage of my life. Normal. It feels so good. A normal pregnancy. I know enough not to take it for granted and little enough to almost be casual.

I lug my son around when people whisper not to lift him, I go for walks when the same whispers say not to overdo it. I act as if I am pre-pregnant most of the time and have developed a relaxed and casual air about the whole thing. I don't read every book known to man and don't walk around with my bump on display. Casual....

Is this what it's like to be normal in this area? I wonder if this is what it feels when women fall pregnant at the drop of a hat? To be nonchalant about conception, pregnancy and birth? I have no idea and won't even try to imagine.

Because I know I am NOT normal in this area at all. Firstly, I am an older first time mother. Secondly, this is my first pregnancy but I am already a mother. Try explaining that one! And thirdly the child I carry is not biologically mine. Yup, so not normal it screams out loud!!!

So when I carry on and pretend like I am normal in this pregnancy, I enjoy indulging my own little fantasy. It's kind of fun, pretending to be like 90% of women in the world! But I also like how I get what a gift this is. Infertility taught me that. Next time you see an infertile with her baby, watch her face. She gets it. I love seeing the face of an infertile with her baby almost as much as I love watching the face of a groom as his bride walks down the aisle.


So I do not take one second or baby flutter for granted. And that's why even when it feels like my back is breaking (probaby 80% of my day) I will not moan!!! I will gently wail to myself on the inside, I admit, but no moaning girl! That's right.

24 weeks and 3 days

Yessah I am on the homeward slide towards birth! I got a bit freaked out the other day when I realised that no matter what happened from now on, I would be giving birth. Alrighty then.



My little girl is about 600g in weight and about 30cm tall. She must be quite squashed (!) My tum is continuing to expand and is now pushing upwards. Overall I am great. My back is killing me but that's because my back is not good, full stop.



People keep asking me if I am coping in the heat and I don't feel any different. I LOVE this weather. Super hot and humid. Utter bliss.



Not much else to report on the pregnancy front. I am trying not to have a nervous breakdown at the rate the scales are going up, I am nearly the heaviest I have ever been. But truly would put up with a lot worse to be here, rounded and chubby and very very pregnant!



As I don't have any picture of my baby, (the last 3D scan of her face made her look like an alien and I offended the scannie person by refusing to look after the first glance. I mean, hello. Does anyone want to see their little girl look all distorted???], I will leave you with a picture of the cutest small man on the planet.



Yes, that's right.... it's RUPI!!!