Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Giving up?

Every now and then something someone writes about infertility grabs me by the throat. I can't help it.

I was eating my lunch and reading though everybody's latest posts and one just stood out. I struggled to finish my lunch as it has gripped me. Gripped me with a question and a thought. I have to follow this train of thought!

I am not going to link to this girl. If you know me and who I follow it will be easy to find this post but somehow I am not going to do it. Maybe because the post was so raw. This girl I love. We have never met and most likely never will but I love her. I love her vitality, openness and transparency. And I love how she seeks after Him.

This is cry from the heart about having a baby, a second child.

I believe I have given up. I really cant remember the last time i prayed for the LORD to give us another child. Its not that I don't think he can do it, its just that.....well, I don't think I believe anymore that this is his will for our lives. A friend challenged me ( and I do believe she meant well) to think about how I have lost faith in Gods ability to do this. that wrong? Is it wrong for me to just say, "you know what LORD I am just going to accept that this is your will for me to not have any more babies". I don't know what to think anymore...I am not sure what my perspective should be. I just don't want to loose faith in this God who is able to do all things.... I am praying that I can have faith just as Mary did when she was told she would give birth to the Savior of the world.....

So has she "lost faith"? Did I "lose faith" when I struggled to believe?

The pastors at our church were incredibly gentle with us during our struggle with infertility. I thank God for them, they are amazing. One pastor said to me once to remember that "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and to be kind to myself. This man is a leader in our nation and his words were like a balm to my soul. We fought for our hearts not to be sick. Continually holding on and believing and then facing monthly evidence of hope deferred is so very hard.

So we need to be kind to ourselves during a long and protracted struggle. Allow ourselves the space and time to be sad/ angry/ tired/ frustrated. And allow God the time and space to heal and uplift us.

I think God gifts you with the strength to lay a dream down. Especially a dream or desire that you have held onto for a long time. Another pastor at church said that we should submit our desire to have a child and maybe it wasn't in God's plan for us to have children.

But something in me NEVER could. I could never accept that we were not going to have a child. There was something in me that would not lay down and so I continued to have faith. At times it was so weak and small it wondered if it had survived. But with any whiff of hope it fanned into a little flame and there it was. It never ever went away.

Conversely we did lay the dream to have another child down. This was a God given gift to me. When Rupi was about 8 weeks old I packed his first baby clothes away. I wept as I realised that I may never use those clothes again. I cried out to God that I wanted another baby. But as I held my little boy the pain was soothed. I felt peace.

When we did this last cycle of treatment we knew it was the last one. And we had peace about it. When we got the call that it had failed I fell on my knees and rocked with old familiar pain. My hubbie then placed Rupi in my arms and I held him as I cried. This time the pain was fleeting. My dream was realised. I was a mother and God had come through. I could lay the dream down.

Yes we are pregnant and expecting another child. This one is the bonus blessing. We were remarkably casual during the process of using the frozen embies because our dream had been realised. I am so so grateful to have another child but I am already a mother. This pregnancy is not our answer or breakthrough, it's the cherry on the top. The evidence of God's abundance.

I am not saying that one child should be enough. I used to think that when I was infertile and wonder about people longing for another child. But how many is up to God and the couple. All I am saying is that it's ok to lay a dream down. Sometimes it's ok to lay a dream down for a season and allow God to carry it.

In my opinion, my friend does not lack faith. This may be the call to submit her dream and move on; it may be a time for God to carry it or it may be the time to press into Him for more strength and faith to carry on believing.

Whatever she does, she is a woman of faith walking through a hard and difficult season. And I love her.

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These Three Kings said...

I needed this, I needed to read this LORD knows I needed this...I am in tears, I have no other words other than thank you...Thank you for being so gentle and loving from afar, thank you for your prayers...I am going to perserver and fight this thang out until CHRIST spur me on sister :)

Jodi said...

Thank you for sharing, Sammy. What a great post, and a reminder that "having faith" and "believing" can mean different things to different people!

Stephanie said...

Thanks for posting this. I, too struggle with infertility and it is good to know there is someone else out there who understands. Congratulations on your babies. God is good!

Stephanie said...

I wrote a tiny bit of my story in my post Hope, if you're interested.

Stephanie said...

Hi Sammy, Thanks so much for sharing... I just found your blog through Tea and I would love to follow along. My husband and I have been TTC for almost 2 years now... this post just tugs at my heart becuase I feel that I know too well how it feels to just give up. I recently went way down and into an ugly place... and God just started throwing things at me! We are still struggling and it is an uphill battle everyday... but we are trusting. I would love for you to visit!


tea said...

I'm so glad you linked to this post today, Sammy. I remember reading it when it was first posted and not being able to find words to comment. ...I still can't really, other than to say it was a blessing to me, especially with where I am right now and what I'm feeling. Thanks <3

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