Letting go

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Dida and I went out for coffee when we were away. On. our. own. It was fantastic. We talked and talked and really connected. We talked about so much and of course we talked about children.

We have a big choice coming up this year. The choice to finish off our last round of treatment. Or not. Which may or may not give us the chance to fall pregnant. We didn't reach agreement but we did realise something else.

I won't be having a baby that I conceive by myself.

Ever.

My fertility has declined way beyond my years and lets face it, in terms of having a baby, I am no longer a spring chicken anyway. The odds of having a baby that would survive or be born without birth defects are getting lower each month.

**Disclaimer: If I DID fall pregnant naturally we would embrace & love the baby no matter what. We made the choice to parent Rupi before he was born regardless of any issues that he may have had and chose not to have certain tests when I was pregnant with Blossom, as we would not ever choose to abort. A baby does not have to be "perfect" to be in our family.**

God is the God of miracles. He is able to open my womb and give us a baby. But we feel that we also have a responsibility to Rupi and Blossom to make choices that we think are sensible. Sensible for our family, possibly not anyones elses. But choices we prayerfully make, for us.

So we are shutting the door to me conceiving. Not an easy choice as it means that we have to let go. Of 8 long years worth of hope that I will conceive. In the natural that means letting go of my genetic lineage. My genes stop here, with me. The end. Of course my lineage continues spiritually and emotionally. But naturally, it stops.

God has been talking to me about letting go. On so many levels. He said that 2011 is when I start new by letting go. So I lay this down. It may be a process not a single decision but I choose to let it go.

Let go of being ordinary- conceiving in an ordinary and wonderful way. And completely embrace the extraordinary. I am a mother in an extraordinary way. Barren but fruitful. Infertile but a mother.

Extraordinary. I like it.

Back

Back.

Back from 4 days away. In the town where Rupi was born. We stayed with my friends Nana. She has been so good to us and her house is a sanctuary for us and always has been.

My friend Meg and her hubbie are energised by people and we are energised by quietness but we found a good balance between the two. We lounged around and ran around and enjoyed the sunshine. It was good.

Strangely I am refreshed. I left Auckland exhausted and returned renewed. I can't wait to see what God has in store for this year. Mostly I long for His Presence and more time with Him. Can't wait.

Meg's hubbie took some photos of Blossom to match Rupi's 7 months photos and they are beautiful....

I am so grateful for my precious little family!

Milestone

Meet April. Our English cousin- for me, it's by marriage. They have been visiting New Zealand and she is just lovely. Her husband is pretty nice too and sounds just like Gordon Ramsey. Without the foul language that is!

They adore the children and we have talked about everything under the sun relating to children. About feeding and sign language and being shy. Sleeptime and wakes times and everything inbetween.

Everything.

Except the fact that Rupi is adopted. I didn't even realise we hadn't talked about it until today. It just never came up. I am positive that someone in the family must have told them our history so I am sure they know. But I never felt that itch to speak about adoption with them. That urge to fill a silence that screams to be filled with Rupi's story.

I wanted to get to this place. Where we can meet people we have never met before and NOT feel like we have to automatically tell Rupi's story. It has become just that- Rupi's story. HIS story. For him to tell.

The pastors at church that have adopted talked to us about getting to this stage. Where the story becomes the child's to tell. Or not to tell, as they wish. It's about respecting that this story belongs to a person. It's first and foremost their story. It's not about hiding adoption at all. Just about it becoming Rupi's story to decide to tell. And then supporting and backing him up in the telling. Making it ok and safe to tell to the people that he chooses to tell.

This has really excited me. This milestone. Rupi's story is an amazing and miraculous one. But it's his story first, and then ours.

So this was Christmas

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas! Ours was very different but good all the same. Dida was really sick over Christmas. He got a yucky tummy bug (for the second time in 6 weeks) on Christmas Eve. He couldn't go anywhere and spent Christmas Day at home, not eating a thing. Poor man. I honestly don't think he minded not eating on Christmas Day as he felt so hideous.

We had a busy Christmas planned and were travelling to visit Dida's sister on Christmas Day. Dida's bug meant we stayed home and have taken things e.a.sy..... it's been just what we needed. Dida was on the mend by Boxing Day and has been feeling better and better.

Their very first Father Christmas sacks on Christmas morning

Blossom's (slightly boring but very useful) gifts!

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Rupi opening his sack and seeing a truck (HUGE excitement!)

The remote controlled helicopter Rupi and Blossom gave Dida- this was a hit! Dida loved it even though he was so sick!

We went out on Christmas Day without Dida and still managed to have fun. We missed him though! It's bedlam with 6 small children under 6 years old but we had a great time!

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Blossom and her oldest cousin. I think these two are going to be very close!

Turbo having a quiet moment...

Can anyone be this cute and still breathe?

Blossom doing what she does best- being cute!

Now we are just doing very little. Chilling is just what the doctor ordered and it's turned out to be great (now that Dida is better!)

I think...

...it may be Christmas soon! Happy Birthday in two sleeps, Jesus!

Today was my last day of meetings and work-y stuff. I got home early and let the nanny go complete with gift and thanks. I got to sit down and play with my offspring (such a grown up word!) without thinking of emails I need to check or things I need to do. Bliss.

The weather is cooler, thank you God! Seriously it's been like a sauna in Auckland. I love the heat and humidity but this has been unbelievable. Energy sapping. The groceries are delivered- yay for on-line shopping! The gifts are wrapped and all I need to do is some baking tomorrow.

I feel my neck muscles un-tensing and the Christmas spirit rising up! Woohoo!

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Yes my children are nudi-rudi a lot!!! It's summer and some of us are learning to anticipate when one needs to go to the toilet. As for the other smllest person, well there's no excuse.

Wordless Wednesday- Late afternoon

Note to self

You know when you have a train of thought that haunts you? You find yourself thinking about it again and again. This is one of those trains. A good train, a God train. So good I am sure I have posted on it before but actually haven't. It's familiar to me by now and that's good.

You see, I am sitting in one my favourite cafes feeling utterly intimidated. Completely and totally intimidated. It sits in the base of my stomach like a stone.

One of the design companies I used to work for is after one of my clients. They are targeting them and wooing them. And I am afraid. Afraid that they will succeed.

Because in the natural this design company is larger than me and have been around for longer than my little business. They are also merciless. When I worked for them they managed to get hold of another design companies client list. And systematically worked through this list targeting the other company's clients one by one. They nearly forced this other design company out of business. Merciless. The marketing director would take the last crumb from my mouth while I starved.

So I am intimidated.

The problem is that my intimidation has no basis in reality. I am approached by people to work with them on a weekly basis. I have enough work. My clients like me and I am good at what I do. Being real here, please hear my heart. I have no grounds for intimidation.

So what's the deal? I am afraid. My achilles heel- fear. Fear is never ok. Not even the smallest bit of it. There are sayings out there "feel the fear and do it anyway" or "do it happy scared". Neither is ok. Fear is never to be tolerated. Ever.

Fear is rooted in unbelief. So as I sit here feeling intimidated I have lifted my fear up above God. I fear that God can't do it. That He can't provide me with work. Rubbish. Utter rubbish. He is God Almighty. Of course He can do it. And (though He doesn't need to) He has proved that He can. He has a track record.

So

Yes

God has been speaking to me about fear. And with His help I will root it out. Grab hold of every root and pull it out. Starting with intimidation. I like this train of thought!

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7