Certainty

I woke up this morning with the thought that my God is my certainty. The word was in my head when I woke up. He is my certainty.

In this IVF cycle there is no certainty. The general thought is that if you need to use IVF you will fall pregnant. We seem to sometimes have an unshakable belief in medical science. But there's no certainty with IVF any more than there is with "normal" pregnancy. It's a miracle.

That was one of the things my donor came to realise. This is not certain. There is no guarantee of pregnancy and that was hard for her.

My God is my certainty. He is the same now as on the other side of all of this. He was the same yesterday, is the same today and will be the same tomorrow. He is my certainty.

Worst case and best case, he is the same. None of us will be the same the other side of this. We will be either overjoyed or dealing with disappointment. But God will be the same.

And that is of tremendous comfort and security. We have learned over the last few years how little of life is certain. But He is certain. And because He does not change, we will be ok, either way.

All things change, but He does not. So we can safely put our trust in the Rock, our Redeemer. He keeps us safe, high above the stormy waters, above where no enemy can reach us.

And that is good.

So is this face. It fills my heart with joy.

I heart my doctor

This may be a ramble, my head is candy floss....

My doctor (my donor and I have different doctors within the clinic representing us) has been doing our scans over the last week. He rocks. I trust him.

So when I found our that neither he or my donor's doctor was on call this weekend to do the (possible/ maybe/ likely) egg collection, I was not happy. I trust my doctor the most, then I trust my donor's doctor. Mine is the most experienced and respected and hers is the "heir" to his position once he retires.

After another scan today when very little had changed, I wanted to weep. My doctor cheered us up by saying that should we have egg collection this weekend either he or my donor's doctor would come in and do it. That's good because I trust them. I may have said this already.

After the clinic meeting at midday we were called and egg collection will be Sunday. They are confident that we will have some good sized follicles.

Thank you Jesus. There is an end in sight. They are delaying egg collection by a day so my donor can have her little boy's birthday party on Sat. Can you believe it, the one day we wanted to avoid turns out to be THE DAY. Luckily the clinic is flexible.

I am so grateful for all the prayers at the moment. I feel buoyed up by them and know that God in near.

I heart my doctor but I heart Jesus more.

Autumn

windy and blustery. rain and shine. cold then warm. vivid colour.

We are doing ok. A bit weary to be honest. I just want "me" back, free of drugs and my poor donor is tired of the injections.


The scan yesterday showed that the growth of the follicles is still slow. Not surprising given our relationship and that I grew follicles slowly too. The doctor joked that I don't know how to do a cheap fast IVF cycle as he gave us more drugs. I dutifully laughed.


The clinic has boosted my donors drugs twice and she is now on double the dose she was on. She is sore and uncomfortable which is a good sign as things are moving and shaking.

Another scan tomorrow and hopefully we will have some concrete dates.

I wait quietly before God

for my hope is in Him

He alone is my Rock and my Salvation

my fortress where I shall not be shaken.

My salvation and my honour come from God alone

He is my refuge, a Rock where no enemy can reach me

Psalm 62: 5-7

Up and down and stop and start

The area of fertility medicine is not an exact science and this was proved today again! My donor and I just laughed over coffee after the scan. With all the technology and science, God is still clearly in charge and will not be put in a box!

Despite what the doctor and nurse said on Wed, we are not having egg collection on Monday.

My donor's follicles have gone on strike over the last few days and have not grown much at all. Nothing to worry about, we just need more drugs and slightly larger doses for a couple of days. Oh and more financial outlay too.... but that's just money- poo!

This is the nature of treatment and especially from now on. When you think you are in one place, you are really not and things change every 12 hours. This is the roller coaster part!

So another scan on Monday and egg collection is likely (I use that word lightly!) to be later next week. There is a finite point to this as follicles can only grow so big before something happens- I am not sure what but not keen to find out... So they can't push her past late next week.

Still, God IS in charge and He decides. It is lovely to be doing this with someone and laughing about the craziness together.

I have just one prayer now with two words in it: please God. Please God. Please let this time work God. I have faith that 4th time is the blessed (not lucky!) one!

Come on follies!

We had great scans yesterday. I have grown a great endometrial lining just right for little embies! My beautiful donor has 10 great follicles and quite a few smaller ones too. Go girl!

Her one ovary has developed follicles more quickly than the other side and I am praying that the smaller ones on that side have a growth spurt!

So.

Next scan is Sat morning and we (almost definitely!) have egg collection on Monday with the possibility of it on Tuesday. That means that replacement is late next week. Argh- SOOOOO excited!

My poor donor is really unwell and her littlest boy is not sleeping well at all at night. She is getting minimal sleep and is still having to go to work. She is such a trooper and doesn't even really complain. Also the one drug she is on (to stop her ovulating- one I have never been on) is really yucky. Stingy and burny on the way in and stingy and burny on the way out. It's got some other nasty side effects too. Poor girl. My heart breaks (and I feel ever so guilty too!)

OK, given that things are moving at the rate of knots and this is a very vulnerable time for us, I have a request.

If you are associated with my physical life (are at Equippers or in some other part of my life) and are a reader of my bloggie.......please become a follower

This just means that I will know who is following over the next month or so. This blog is open and is my journal and on it I talk about stuff that I really don't share all that easily. All are welcome and it is in the public domain. Its a God-thing and I believe the right thing to do.

It would help me tons to know where my physical life and blog life overlap.

Thanks muchly xxx

So proud....

..I could pass out! I (formally non-sewer-girl) made Rupi some pants! They are from a "pattern" in Soulemama's book "A Creative Family" and are made from one of my hubbie's old T-shirts. Yup. So proud.

But wait, there's more.

I made a SECOND pair of pants for him in merino wool and this time I had to adapt (gasp!) the "pattern" as these pants did not begin life as a T-shirt....

Here is my darling modeling the T-shirt pants for you.... I would have had a picture of the merino ones too but he vomited all over them this morning (3 vomits and 4 poos today- the washing machine has been pushed to its limits! It's panting and resting right now...)

Yes He loves to stand and locks his little legs when I try to get him to sit down. No way! He wants to stand!

I am so very tired at the moment. Tired like I was when Rupi first came home. The word for me from my God is to S....L....O...W down. Something I am not good at doing. I am trying to do treatment, get my little Etsy shop up and running, be a housewife, daughter, sister and friend while making my boy the number one priority (after the hubbie of course).

Too much.

So anyway...

Wed is the big reveal. My beautiful donor will have the first follicular scan and we'll see what we have. Hopefully we'll have a nice collection of follies all growing nicely. My donor wants 10 each side (that's tons by the way) but I would be happy with less. I mean, all I ever managed was 2 or 3 each side (each ovary that is) so anything more than that is wonderful.

It would be nice to have egg collection sooner rather than later for my donor so she can recover well for her little boys birthday party on the 2nd May.

Please keep us in your prayers xxxx

Kick in the pants time

We all need a kick in the pants from time to time. A real life story that inspires and challenges. A story of people actually getting in the face of darkness and going to the (often ugly) places that need our Jesus more than breath.



My friend Nicole has written a post of the story behind Chris Tomlin's song "God of this city". The first song on her blog is the song.



This is SO worth taking the time to watch and just inspired and challenged the heck out of me.



This really takes my focus off me (thanks Nicole xxx) and what I am facing and shows me the greater picture.



Wow.