Mr Charmie-pants

Been a bit silent on the blogging front this week. Lots going on, heat, humidity, boisterous boy, large tummy and huge things in the business.



Can I admit that I am tired without complaining? Life is large and full and wonderful and at 28 weeks pregnant I am finding myself a bit tired.



I was hanging out to go to the beach with my men and off we went with lattes and biscuits in tow. We ran into good friends who were entering a paddling race. So lovely to see them. Rupi was the man of the hour and ran here and there charming everyone he could! Such a cutie!








I love the beach and I love New Zealand!

A bundle of cuteness!

My gorgeous and amazing sister Penny gave birth in the wee hours of this morning to Esera*. It was all very fast and happened a LOT quicker than any of us thought! In fact Esera nearly made his appearance in the car....!

Big brother Benjamin was on hand throughout it all and touched his brother soon after his arrival. How special is that????

Penny looks incredible and is doing so well. I am so proud!

Rupi took a little convincing around his new cousin as you can see!!!

* Esera pronounced quickly with the emphasis on the "a".

28 weeks and 0 days with a little grieving

Warning: another deeeeep post! For those of you who have popped over for a light and fluffy read, this may not be your week....!

Birth is coming! And I am really looking forward to it. In some bizarre way I am looking forward to the experience as I never thought I would have the chance to experience it. I have enjoyed being pregnant and watching my body blossom and welcome and protect a little baby and I trust that my body can do birth.

I have been reading some books and have ordered a couple more gentle birth books off Amazon.
As I research this and realise how aware babies are I am grieving a little. We have always held the view that babies are a lot more aware that we give them credit for. We have always respected Rupi as a person and tried to always involve him in the things that happen to him. Tried not to do things to him. But it seems (with good reason) to go back even further, back to the womb. Babies are aware in the womb and even through the birth experience.

I grieve that I could not have carried and birthed Rupi. I don’t know what happened to him over the time he was in the womb, the stresses, worries and strains that accompanied the adoption situation must have been felt by him. And the birth was so prolonged and traumatic. The thinking is that babies have a lot to do with when they are birthed and Rupi was induced 9 times. He just would not come. What did he think the outside would contain????

When we met him, he was like a closed book. He had not attached to anyone. It took him a while to trust us and then he attached and honestly, just latched onto both of us with a vengeance! Was that all because of his birth and womb experiences? I just don’t know. Sweetpea and her family are wonderful and very loving but the whole situation must have been so stressful.

So I grieve that I couldn’t protect him and carry him and birth him. I missed that and it can never be replaced.

In my family we are all about “fair”. My Mom and Dad treat us all the same and never favour one above the other. So some crazy part of me does not want baby girl to have what Rupi didn’t with me. Yes, I know it’s mad….

But it has occurred to me that Rupi has something that baby girl will never have. 18 months of pure and undiluted attention from us. We have poured ourselves into this little man and surely that must make up for some of what may have happened over the time before we were around? God has guided us, I believe, and we have done stuff that may be a little mad but I know has helped him attach. We never let anyone other than the two of us bottle feed him; we have never let him cry for long periods of time and have never spent much time away from him. Lots of touch, no shouting (of course, no smacking!) and lots of affirmation.

Despite all this, I am a little sad. It’s caught me by surprise as I have never longed to be pregnant and I think would have been fine if we had adopted two children instead of bearing one of them. But now that I get what fertile women get and am facing what fertile women face, it’s come out. It’s probably a good thing to face and deal with.

But all I can do is trust God. He knows the beginning from the end and I trust Him with us. I trust Him with Rupi, I really do. That is saying a lot as I am very protective of my little boy. I truly trust Him. He’s Good and I know loves us.

So as Rupi has special things from us that no other child can experience, baby girl will too. And in the end I believe that they will both be secure and loved. God loves them so much and He will heal any hurts and fill any gaps.

I heart Him and I trust Him.

Sometimes its hard to share

Sometimes it's hard to realise that I will always share Rupi. I love him so much and to be honest, at times I want us to be the only family he has. [Being real here...!]

Last night we watched a program called "Missing Pieces" where people are put in touch with relatives that they have lost contact with.

The first story was of a man looking for his birth mum. They traced her to Belfast and when the TV crew made contact with her she was overwhelmed. She has given birth (in shame) at 17 years old and her baby was taken from her when he was 3 months old. She didn't even have a chance to say good-bye and has always carried a picture of her baby in her wallet. The reunion with her birth son was lovely and she planned to come out to NZ for his wedding. Her happiness was like a beacon of light.

I sat on the couch in the ad break and something in me cried out to God 'I don't think I can carry on sharing Rupi. Help me God!" A very human side of me came out there and then and I wished we were all he had. For a magic switch to be flicked and I could have carried and birthed him. I knew God was listening and also didn't judge me for my weakness.

I mopped up and watched the second segment of the program. This was about a woman looking for her father. He has abandoned her and her mother when she was just two weeks old. They traced the man to England and again approached him about his child. This time the outcome was so different. The man was awful. he called his daughter a "complication" and would have nothing to do with her. He wouldn't even look at a photo of her or watch the DVD she had made for him. The rejection was brutal.

Back in NZ the TV crew told this young woman that the news was not good and asked her if she wanted to see her fathers response to news of her. She hesitated but could not say no. The rejection and pain on her face as she watched her fathers response was almost unbearable to watch. It was like someone had physically assaulted her. She hid her face in her hands and sobbed.

And I knew.

This is why I will share. This is why I will die to myself again and again and again over the years to come. I would do anything to spare my son that pain. Anything.

I do not want Rupi to wonder who gave birth to him and who fathered him. I want him to know. I want him to know that he was adopted out of love and not rejection. I want him to have relationship with the birth families so he can trace his biological heritage and secure his identity. I don't want adoption to be a shock to him, I want it to be normal.

So I will die to myself and the feelings that I sometimes have. With God's grace I will open my heart and free to Rupi to love others. I will never stand in his way. Because I love him so much and his happiness is so much more important than my feelings.

And besides, God has created us to give and to share. I am reading a book by Eugene Peterson on Jeremiah called "Run with the horses"

This morning I read the following passage:

"Giving is what we do best. It is the air into which we are born. It is the action that was designed into us before our birth. Giving is the way the world is. God gives Himself. He also gives away everything that is. We are given away to our families, to our neighbours, to our friends, to our enemies- to the nations. Our life is for others. That's the way creation works."

Amen.

Thanks!

I got an award! From two lovely bloggers! Check them out, they are incredible God-chicks- Tea and Stephanie. Thanks! Woohoo!







The rules:

1. Say thank you and link pass to the blogger(s) who awarded this to you.
2. Pass it on to 15 other bloggers that you've recently discovered.
3. Link them and notify them.
4. Say 7 things about yourself.

Some of the bloggers that I know have been nominated and will award this to the others that we all know too...(confused? Me as well!!)

So. My point is this that I am going to award this to bloggers that only I know so there will be fewer than 15. Hope that's ok.

Jodi: a girl of incredible courage.

Nicole: my sweet American sister

Penny: my gorgeous and God-loving in real life sister

Janna: ever cheerful and always looking to God

Lena: selfless and generous and needs giant hugs right now

Andrea: also facing tough times with courage and determination to seek Him

Must say that the one thing all these girls have in common is courage and that's a quality I admire so much. You are an inspiration to me and each of you enriches my life!!!!

7 things about me:

1. I like looking at dogs but don't like touching them and don't want to own one.
2. I think I am the best baker in the world, sad but true. I have no modesty in this department....
3. I hate being shouted at.
4. My dream home will be done in the style of an East Coast (American) beach house.
5. I can be intimidating, but I am just a bit shy.
6. I am loud with a hyena laugh....nice one.
7. I feel like eating chocolate all the time. Seriously. If I could wake up and eat it for breakfast I could. We went on holiday to Moorea (off Tahiti) and they served hot chocolate every morning along with coffee. I would drain the jug and only then eat food. It was heaven.

The end.

Lift and Separate

Warning: following on from Simoney's infamous post about "the girls", this post is about.....chests!!!!!!

I am an underwire bra girl. Have been since I developed into a D-cup at 16 years old. You can imagine the school yard trauma at being a C-cup at 12 years of age but that's a story for another day! I LOVE underwire bras. They are so pretty and have the (almost magical) power to transform a chest into a thing of glory.

So I have seen no reason to give up on my love affair so far and have just exchanged my D-cups for a DD-cup set a few months ago.

I started feeling a bit breathless and like a boa constrictor was wrapped around my ribs and after talking to Simoney (yes, she is playing a leading role in my posts lately!) in passing, she suggested I may like to go and get fitted for a proper bra.

Nah, I thought. This will pass. A few more days of unbelievable heat and humidity combined with my friend the boa squeezing me under the armpits and I gave in. I went to see a lovely lady at a local Bendon shop who fitted me with a new one and filled me in on a couple of facts.

1. Underwire bad for pregnant ladies
2. Underwire sits on the spot where our milk ducts are and can block them.

This scared me so I got a new one immediately with very little arguing.

.

Disclaimer: this is not a photo of MY bra as it's on me and do not want to take a photo of me in it OR take it off and photograph it....lazy you see.

My new bra has flexiwire which pretends to be like underwire but really isn't. The girls do not look like they should at all! But. The comfort. Sweet Lord, the comfort. I can breathe! And that is (nearly) worth the lack of glory displayed by my chest at this time....

Another thing I did not know

There are many things I do not know. Despite being very ordered (some cruel folks would call it it OCD) I am not a great researcher or very detailed. I do things intuitively and this would include pregnancy.



I have read bits of books and picked up wisdom here and there. One of the "pearls" I picked up is that eating for two is nonsense. Apparently you don't need to eat for two people when one of you is very small.



I have taken this to heart as I have seen the scales go up and up. Add to this my previous eating issues and well, I have been eating pretty much as normal. We are healthy eaters and don't do a lot of junk either.



I have found recently that by the time my hubbie gets home, I am unable to cope with life anymore. I have the shakes, am absolutely shattered and highly emotional. After the evening meal, life returns to normal. I am at peace and suddenly everything looks rosy again. This cycle has continued for weeks....



My chiropractor asked me if I was eating enough when I complained of fatigue and I talked to a couple of other people about it. A light dawned- maybe I should eat more...and yes, this would be ok.



Honestly, this had not dawned on me before. Duh.



Adding an extra meal in today has been miraculous. My hubbie came home and found his wife at home instead of Medusa who snarls and growls and cries (a lot).



Life is good again. I feel like a person again. And that is quite nice.

My angel of destruction

My sweet little boy is ALL BOY. I think you know what I mean. He shouts, crashes, runs and leaps through each day at 100 miles an hour and I suspect it's going to get (a lot) worse. And... I love it.


In our house we heart reading a lot. I am the main reader and hoard, covet and love books! My hubbie is a semi-reader (a book has to be unbelievable for him to finish it) but loves that I read so much and wants to encourage Rupi as much as he can. So Rupi always has books around him.

He loves to read and often asks if we can get him books. He chooses the ones he wants and sits down to read and asks us to read with him. Fabulous, we like it. He also gets a book or two in his cot when it's sleep time.... unsupervised.

And yes, the books are taking a bit of a hammering.

Here we have a mild case of destruction, only a few pieces are torn off.









The destruction of this poor book is one step worse- the covers have been almost completely annihilated.










And the finale to all of the destruction was what I found after today's nap.....









I don't think Toby the tiger is ever going to be able to show us again how he leaped in the river.

Ever again.

Ever.

Poor Toby- his showcase moment is beyond redemption.

Little boy Einas [Ouches]

Rupi got bitten by a spider the night before last and yesterday his foot was red, puffy, hot and sore. I was a tad worried.

Simoney recommended I draw around the infection and see if it spreads. Brilliant girl. While he slept at lunch I checked him 500 million times and decided the venom was now on the move. I could see it tracking up his ankle in the half light....ok so it wasn't but it looked like it was.

I shot off to the doctor and had my diagnosis confirmed. The doctors I go to are fabulous. They have him some homeopathic medication and asked if I wanted antibiotics as a preventative measure. This was a big deal as he has never been on antibiotics and is not (yet) vaccinated. [Get yourself up off the floor, that's right he's NOT vaccinated...]

As he's really healthy and never been sick apart from that vomiting/ diarrhoea bug I decided to wait until this morning. This is after I panicked and got the prescription plus kiddie probiotics and stocked up on baby pamol.... You just never know, imagine wanting the antibiotics at 4am????

This morning though his little immune system was winning the battle. The bite wound is now red, not purple and he is running around on his foot without any hassle. Yay! Anyone want some free antibiotics?

Giving up?

Every now and then something someone writes about infertility grabs me by the throat. I can't help it.

I was eating my lunch and reading though everybody's latest posts and one just stood out. I struggled to finish my lunch as it has gripped me. Gripped me with a question and a thought. I have to follow this train of thought!

I am not going to link to this girl. If you know me and who I follow it will be easy to find this post but somehow I am not going to do it. Maybe because the post was so raw. This girl I love. We have never met and most likely never will but I love her. I love her vitality, openness and transparency. And I love how she seeks after Him.

This is cry from the heart about having a baby, a second child.

I believe I have given up. I really cant remember the last time i prayed for the LORD to give us another child. Its not that I don't think he can do it, its just that.....well, I don't think I believe anymore that this is his will for our lives. A friend challenged me ( and I do believe she meant well) to think about how I have lost faith in Gods ability to do this. Well...is that wrong? Is it wrong for me to just say, "you know what LORD I am just going to accept that this is your will for me to not have any more babies". I don't know what to think anymore...I am not sure what my perspective should be. I just don't want to loose faith in this God who is able to do all things.... I am praying that I can have faith just as Mary did when she was told she would give birth to the Savior of the world.....

So has she "lost faith"? Did I "lose faith" when I struggled to believe?

The pastors at our church were incredibly gentle with us during our struggle with infertility. I thank God for them, they are amazing. One pastor said to me once to remember that "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and to be kind to myself. This man is a leader in our nation and his words were like a balm to my soul. We fought for our hearts not to be sick. Continually holding on and believing and then facing monthly evidence of hope deferred is so very hard.

So we need to be kind to ourselves during a long and protracted struggle. Allow ourselves the space and time to be sad/ angry/ tired/ frustrated. And allow God the time and space to heal and uplift us.

I think God gifts you with the strength to lay a dream down. Especially a dream or desire that you have held onto for a long time. Another pastor at church said that we should submit our desire to have a child and maybe it wasn't in God's plan for us to have children.

But something in me NEVER could. I could never accept that we were not going to have a child. There was something in me that would not lay down and so I continued to have faith. At times it was so weak and small it wondered if it had survived. But with any whiff of hope it fanned into a little flame and there it was. It never ever went away.

Conversely we did lay the dream to have another child down. This was a God given gift to me. When Rupi was about 8 weeks old I packed his first baby clothes away. I wept as I realised that I may never use those clothes again. I cried out to God that I wanted another baby. But as I held my little boy the pain was soothed. I felt peace.

When we did this last cycle of treatment we knew it was the last one. And we had peace about it. When we got the call that it had failed I fell on my knees and rocked with old familiar pain. My hubbie then placed Rupi in my arms and I held him as I cried. This time the pain was fleeting. My dream was realised. I was a mother and God had come through. I could lay the dream down.

Yes we are pregnant and expecting another child. This one is the bonus blessing. We were remarkably casual during the process of using the frozen embies because our dream had been realised. I am so so grateful to have another child but I am already a mother. This pregnancy is not our answer or breakthrough, it's the cherry on the top. The evidence of God's abundance.

I am not saying that one child should be enough. I used to think that when I was infertile and wonder about people longing for another child. But how many is up to God and the couple. All I am saying is that it's ok to lay a dream down. Sometimes it's ok to lay a dream down for a season and allow God to carry it.

In my opinion, my friend does not lack faith. This may be the call to submit her dream and move on; it may be a time for God to carry it or it may be the time to press into Him for more strength and faith to carry on believing.

Whatever she does, she is a woman of faith walking through a hard and difficult season. And I love her.