Sunday, February 21, 2010

28 weeks and 0 days with a little grieving

Warning: another deeeeep post! For those of you who have popped over for a light and fluffy read, this may not be your week....!

Birth is coming! And I am really looking forward to it. In some bizarre way I am looking forward to the experience as I never thought I would have the chance to experience it. I have enjoyed being pregnant and watching my body blossom and welcome and protect a little baby and I trust that my body can do birth.

I have been reading some books and have ordered a couple more gentle birth books off Amazon.
As I research this and realise how aware babies are I am grieving a little. We have always held the view that babies are a lot more aware that we give them credit for. We have always respected Rupi as a person and tried to always involve him in the things that happen to him. Tried not to do things to him. But it seems (with good reason) to go back even further, back to the womb. Babies are aware in the womb and even through the birth experience.

I grieve that I could not have carried and birthed Rupi. I don’t know what happened to him over the time he was in the womb, the stresses, worries and strains that accompanied the adoption situation must have been felt by him. And the birth was so prolonged and traumatic. The thinking is that babies have a lot to do with when they are birthed and Rupi was induced 9 times. He just would not come. What did he think the outside would contain????

When we met him, he was like a closed book. He had not attached to anyone. It took him a while to trust us and then he attached and honestly, just latched onto both of us with a vengeance! Was that all because of his birth and womb experiences? I just don’t know. Sweetpea and her family are wonderful and very loving but the whole situation must have been so stressful.

So I grieve that I couldn’t protect him and carry him and birth him. I missed that and it can never be replaced.

In my family we are all about “fair”. My Mom and Dad treat us all the same and never favour one above the other. So some crazy part of me does not want baby girl to have what Rupi didn’t with me. Yes, I know it’s mad….

But it has occurred to me that Rupi has something that baby girl will never have. 18 months of pure and undiluted attention from us. We have poured ourselves into this little man and surely that must make up for some of what may have happened over the time before we were around? God has guided us, I believe, and we have done stuff that may be a little mad but I know has helped him attach. We never let anyone other than the two of us bottle feed him; we have never let him cry for long periods of time and have never spent much time away from him. Lots of touch, no shouting (of course, no smacking!) and lots of affirmation.

Despite all this, I am a little sad. It’s caught me by surprise as I have never longed to be pregnant and I think would have been fine if we had adopted two children instead of bearing one of them. But now that I get what fertile women get and am facing what fertile women face, it’s come out. It’s probably a good thing to face and deal with.

But all I can do is trust God. He knows the beginning from the end and I trust Him with us. I trust Him with Rupi, I really do. That is saying a lot as I am very protective of my little boy. I truly trust Him. He’s Good and I know loves us.

So as Rupi has special things from us that no other child can experience, baby girl will too. And in the end I believe that they will both be secure and loved. God loves them so much and He will heal any hurts and fill any gaps.

I heart Him and I trust Him.

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Tanner's said...

I really beleive that God destined that I find your sweet blog- at the time that I found it I did not know that I would be adopting, and through the months I have come to appreciate so many of your words. I might post a link to your blog in one of my writings because you put into words so beautifully what I have a hard time expressing. Thank you!

Stephanie said...

Your babies are both so blessed to have you as parents. It's obvious how very much they are loved. God will take care of you and help you through these feelings.

These Three Kings said...

I agree with @Stephanie. God will provided the grace you need in the future. What is happening and what has happened is "fair" but GOD IS SOVEREIGN right? if it was to happen any other way God would have had it to.
love you lots

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