Capacity

This post makes me a little nervous as I know how many Equippers peeps read this blog (!) Please remember when reading it that we cannot always watch every word that comes out of our mouths and I am not saying that we need to. Our views and opiniosn are shaped (partly) by our own experiences, and that's more than ok.

On Sunday someone asked me how I have been. "It's been full on" I replied. "Oh" they said and then in an encouraging tone said "You know that around church circles it's said that no-one has capacity like a Mum with young kids. And if you want to hand a full on ministry to someone you choose a Mum who has had young kids."



Everything in me wanted to hand Blossom to them to hold while I bashed their head in. NO, something in me yelled. I DISAGREE! I realised I was having an extreme reaction to an innocuous (and encouraging and complimentary) comment and so smiled and went off to chat to my wise Sounding-Board-in-Heaven during worship. I pray that this person didn't see anything inside me at that point (I don't think they did) as they are wonderful and kind and loving.



I needed to find out why I disagreed so vehemently. After a chat to my Loving Father I realised that I reacted as a recovering infertile to the view that you need to have had kids to be qualified. To have something that otherwise you couldn't. That if you don't have kids or haven't experienced multiple kids you cannot possible have developed a large capacity. That's wrong and I know that's not what this person meant. But it is a view that holds many holes. The person with the largest capacity I know (she's very very well known and loved at Equippers- a clue!) is still waiting for children. This girl and her hubbie have a capacity that has stunned and inspired Dida and I.



Once I calmed down and took a deep breath (as I knew this person was just making conversation.... and is kind and nice.) I found I still disagreed. Based on my experience of having small children and having been an infertile this is it:



Having small children builds physical capacity. You multi-task in ways you never comprehended before. I added working to the mix and so multi-tasking and list making have become a fine art. The last 4 months have been the most physically taxing of my life. I have been more tired than I can express. Sometimes I am so tired I can't get a straight word out. I ache.



Infertility treatment is also physically taxing but it's for a shorter time period. This period will last for years. I have bags and smudges under my eyes for the first time. And no matter how long I sleep in, I wake tired.



A trial like infertility or sickness builds emotional and mental capacity. Like nothing else. Needing God to help me breathe and eat and walk and function built an emotional & mental capacity into like nothing else. At the worst times I needed God to help me get out of bed in the morning. We would do life together one step at a time. This time is not doing that.



So the two are different. Different types of capacity at different times and stages of life. That makes sense to me. I do think that we can develop massive capacity regardless of our circumstances and what we go through. There is no one size fits all. And I think a barren woman could (and many do) have the capacity that a Mum does.



Anyway, this is a good post for me to crystalise my thinking. [It may have bored some of you to tears- hopefully you stopped reading a long time before this! ] My reaction was extreme and a gut reaction and I'm very glad I internalised it. And the conversation is untraceable so no-one knows who it was. Because the person is lovely and was only trying to have a chat...!