Snort snort!

We are starting solids and boy, do we love them!

Saturday buzzing

Dida wakes up on a Saturday like someone lit a fire under him. Me? Not so much. Even asleep I know its Saturday and I don't have to do the whole morning rush thing.

So anyway, true to form Dida propelled himself out of bed this morning at 6am to feed Blossom. Bless him. He let me sleep in, until 7.17am exactly. I know because at 7.17am (I looked at my phone) a little body was dumped on the bed and it wriggled up to me and got under the duvet with me. Awww. What an amazing way to wake up! Rupi carried his stuffed racoon which he has decided is his Panda's baby. So "Nanda bebe" goes everywhere with him, super cute!

A little while later another little body joined us and Dida took a photo. Yes, I look horrendous and yes that is a severe case of bed head. Don't care though as this is priceless!

A patch

We are through another bad patch with Rupi. Insecurity, wanting to be carried around and held 24/7, crying, whining. Phew.

This time I was ready for it. Without psycho analysing things too much, I have not been surprised at the breadth of his insecurity. Seeing Blossom's security and utter absorption with me has highlighted what Rupi lost. That continuity from the womb to the world was lost with him. There was a break and he had to form new bonds and re-attach with us. And once that attachment was made, something in him holds onto it for all he's worth. He is not prepared to risk another loss and so his separation anxiety has been HUGE. And we have not been prepared to make him separate as all the "experts" have told us to. We have just held him when he wants to be held, loved him when he needed to be held and been all he asked of us.

But there is also a spiritual element to it. As my friend D has said "rejection can start in the womb". So I have been praying some incredible words over him. Anointing him with oil as he sleeps. We have stood in the gap for him while he's too little to stand for himself. As I have a vulnerability with fear he may be dealing with a vulnerability here. We have prayed these amazing Words over him...

"He led me to a place of safety. He rescued me because He delights in me." Psalm 18:19

"...you are precious to me. You are honoured and I love you." Isaiah 43: 4(b)

And things are better! Here is my little rock star today: happy and singing on his box of nappies a.k.a. his stage!

He is amazing and how I love this little man.

A love fest

After a week of work madness, unending sickness and night after night of sleep deprivation, we needed a break. So we packed up and headed up north for a day in paradise. It was bliss.

Even the trip was (sort of) exciting as Rupi lost his breakfast in the car, over himself, the seat and poor Panda. Luckily we were within coo-ee of the bach so he rode on my knee for the rest of the way and through the farm, clad only in his undies. Panda got a well deserved bath and spent the rest of the day sunning himself on the lawnmower.

The day was filled with lots of whanau (family) love......

There was auntie love for tiny tots from Auntie H and Auntie G. Auntie G is carrying the newest grandchild/ nephew- woohoo!!!

And boisterous Nana love with the cousins on the trampoline. Luckily Nana is young and sprightly!

There was Dida love, look at that smile AND he is cleaning the vomit car seat at the time!

There was adventure "going to the net with the cousins" love. Sweet memories for Dida and his sister as this was exactly what they used to do as children.

And after that, Rupi love as he "helped" Dida make the fire in the smoker to smoke that days catch.

So much love, our family is so wonderful. And this little face says it all.... so in love with life and adored by everyone!

Rain

Rain. A whole lot of it. I have work. So much work! There's been thunder for a long time and I have been watching the skies. The clouds have gathered and I am in the middle of a rain storm. The ground is parched and just drinking up the water. The wells are filling.

Thank you God!

And of course it's busy. Crazy busy. But I know it's God busy. "Smack bang in the middle of His plans" busy. So inevitably the enemy comes calling. Dida is really sick with a tummy bug and Blossom has a wicked cough. Dida is at the doctor now with Blossom so hopefully things will get better. Lots of prayers needed please!

And in the middle of chaos I am so in love with this little face. She fills my heart to over flowing. All girl (with a shriek that shatters glass), she brings joy and laughter into our house. I adore her.

My little blessing

With her adoring Nana and Poppa

Keeping it real- part two

Boy, did this blog post create a bit of talk or what? Emails, IRL conversations and comments....seems like it gave people permission to open up and talk. What a God orchestrated thing! Love it.

So here's part two. A bit of what we have been doing and what God has been saying to us.

Reality hit home for me when I had a vivid dream. I would never say that I am a prophet but I do have a prophetic lean. And I know when God talks to me in dreams and visions (sorry if this is wierd for you but this is how our church rolls. Gifts of the Spirit are encouraged and celebrated.) He used a dream about jackals attacking.

Anyhoo, the dream was a warning. We needed to guard against attack. We are vulnurable in this season as all parents of new babies are. You are so jolly tired that all your emotional and physical reserves are gone. Prime target for attack. This dream was such a wake up call. We needed to take stock of where we were and realise that we were under attack. Part of the lack of unity and harmony was a spiritual attack.

So the next day I prayed and spent some time with God. I asked about the dream and looked up all sorts of stuff about jackals and their behaviour. God was pretty clear. Mark out our territory and stand. Decide the boundaries of what is yours. Pretty basic- our marriage is a boundary. It's sacred and will not be infringed upon. So we drew a line in the sand in prayer and hold our marriage up before God. It's our God given territory.

We need to stand and not run. Realise that we are tired and things may appear worse than they are. Understand that sometimes we don't see clearly in this season. It made such sense.

Dida also made some calls. We (our little family unit) come first in this season. And that means saying no to stuff. The weekend I had the dream I really wanted to go to a barbeque at my sisters house. Dida put his foot down and said that we needed to spend time together. I protested but he was right. We spent the day together as a family and had such a good time. We created some awesome memories. It's like in an aeroplane. In an emergency put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others.

So it's good. A good hard season. I feel like we have come through something but I am not getting complacent! Our little family is too important to me.

A weekend encountering J and Sweetpea

This weekend we went away. To watch a beloved friend get married. It was incredibly romantic and the place hummed with love. The quote on the order of service summed it up:

"Love is friendship on fire" Jeremy Taylor

And....

We saw Rupi's birthparents, J and Sweetpea. It was good. We talked on the way down about seeing them and tried to put ourselves in their shoes. What would it be like to see Rupi? To watch him grow up in our house with us as parents? I cannot fathom what they feel like and the closest I get is utter heartbreak. But I know that's me putting my emotion on the situation and I can't presume to understand their feelings.

We saw J first and spent time with him while he was on a work break. We hadn't seen him since Rupi's birthday last November so we were really looking forward to the visit. We have seen tons of his Mom and stepfather who are awesome but it's not the same (!) I marvelled at how similar Rupi looks to J. Rupi is a bigger build but has J's facial features. As I never shy away from asking an awkward question I asked J how he felt seeing how similar Rupi is to him. "A little freaky to see myself replicated" was the reply. J had very little to do with Sweetpea after the deed so I think the whole situation was taken longer to sink in and come to terms with. I think its been a hard year for him and seeing Rupi was really good for him. He loved it and Rupi eventually deigned to sit on his lap. It was super cute!

Then on Sunday morning we saw Sweetpea. We first went to her parents house (Sweetpea was at work) and her Mom said that Sweetpea wanted me to see her bedroom. She's just done it up and it's gorgeous. There's a little board with photos of Rupi and lovely phrases on it. We regularly send of photos to her in frames of her and Rupi or just of Rupi. Every single one is displayed. There's an "R" decorated with words like "my baby" and I love you". It was so good to see. Rupi is so loved.

We then visited her at the cafe she works at. She's told everyone she works with and Rupi was like a little celebrity. We met her friends and her co workers. Rupi is someone Sweetpea celebrates out loud about. J is still working through talking about Rupi to his extended family. That's ok, they are at different stages of a journey.

Rupi with Sweetpea's Mum- his birth grandmother

Rupi playing with trains that Sweetpea's brother had as a child. Super cute generational continuity!

All that I know is how blessed Rupi is. To know that he is so loved and wanted by both his birth parents. And adoption doesn't get much better than that!

At last

Photographic evidence that Rupi does not want to kill Blossom....all the time!

Ewan

Today I am holding my little girl tightly. This is why.

Keeping it real

One of my most unfavourite (great grammer, huh?) is not keeping it real. And I can tell on my blog when I am processing and not ready to share something that's on my heart. My posts go blah. And they are blah right now.

So here's a "keeping it real" post. And it may make some of you uncomfortable. My response? Too bad (in a loving huggy kind of way)! If it does, I am touching a nerve and that's good.

This is Dida and I on our wedding day. We have a rock solid marriage. We have never had issues or counselling. We have worked at our marriage but we are really compatable and it's a very good relationship. Even through infertility, which rips couples apart, we just went from strength to strength. He's my everything and I am his girl. There are boundaries we just won't cross with one another and respect plays a huge role with us.

So struggling in this area is completely new. Since Blossom was born we have really struggled. And only now that we see daylight am I actually ready to share. We laughed again this last week. And I realised laughter has been gone for 4 months. Dida is a funny guy and he cracked jokes and I giggled. We teased and no-one got upset and ran out of the room (Me usually. Ok, only me.) We.had.fun. And fun has been on holiday.

Why don't we talk about how hard this season is? Why don't we actually talk to one another? No-one warned Dida and I that this season could be seriously stressful on our relationship. We are in church, for heaven sake! As most couples have more than one child, others HAVE to have gone through this. Do we wear a mask so much that we are afraid to admit this season is tough on marriage?

I guess so. Because I am starting to talk about it and bringing people to tears. Case in point, yesterday in the parents room I asked someone how they are doing. How they and their hubbie are really doing. And I said we have found it tough. Instant tears. Yes, was the admission. It's really tough. So we shared and then laughed and this girl said she has been feeling so alone. Not good.

And as Dida and I talk we see that others are going through the same. And have gone through the same. And some of you reading this have gone through it. I know who you are! Now that we have gone through it we can see the signs. So why don;t we talk about it? Dida reckons it's because we then label people as "struggling" in their marriage. And that label may not come unstuck. Well, label us at your peril! No, we are not splitting up. No, we do not need counselling (at this stage and never say never). No, this is not forever. It's a short and intense season of hardship that puts incredible stress on a relationship.

We have been so tired that our tanks are completely empty. After Rupi has taken what he needs and likewise Blossom, there's not a lot left for one another. Some nights I just want to lie down and not think another thought. But we are parents and there are endless things to be done. So the snappiness starts and misunderstanding and miscommunication reigns. Horrible.

God has been speaking and this post is already too long. I think I will share again the things He has been saying. They are good and have helped so much.

.

BUT! Let's be real. Let's care and ask the questions and then open up. I am going to ask and pray and listen. There is a way through and Dida and I will be stronger and more in love. We are in this for the long haul and truly love one another. But it's been rough. And that's keeping it real.

Today

Every second Friday I have no "have to's". No nanny and therefore no working, no connect group and sometimes, no friend dates.

Today is such a day (hallelujia! Although I would have liked a date with her but it didn't work out. Next time.)

Because this week has been looong, sick kiddies, financial worries, work and life in general has made it seem like it's gone on forever.

So. Today is about us. I personally would have like to stay in my PJs, watch DVDs and eat chocolate. However none of the above is happening due to a 22 month dynamo. And that's just fine.

But it's wet outside. What an unusual situation for Auckland (HEAVY sarcasm here for the out of towners...!) And its the school holidays so the usual haunts are out of the question. The last time we went to one of our favourite haunts (a giant indoor playground) during a busy time, I was reminded of that book "The Lord of the flies". Anyone with me? Where children are stranded on an island and develop into a savage tribe of psychopaths. Yup, the hordes of children scared me.

So we became mall rats instead this morning. Although I have to add that the very concept that you go to a mall to relax and entertain yourself goes against the grain. However when it came to the choice of staying home within the confines of our house or taking the small tornado out, my beliefs about malls went out the window. Shallow is she!

So we went to the mall. And ate frozen yoghurt and watched Angelina Ballerina who was performing for the children. She's a mouse. Who does ballet. So I learned this morning.

And the small tornado ran and ran and ran. It was good!