Monday, October 4, 2010

Keeping it real

One of my most unfavourite (great grammer, huh?) is not keeping it real. And I can tell on my blog when I am processing and not ready to share something that's on my heart. My posts go blah. And they are blah right now.

So here's a "keeping it real" post. And it may make some of you uncomfortable. My response? Too bad (in a loving huggy kind of way)! If it does, I am touching a nerve and that's good.

This is Dida and I on our wedding day. We have a rock solid marriage. We have never had issues or counselling. We have worked at our marriage but we are really compatable and it's a very good relationship. Even through infertility, which rips couples apart, we just went from strength to strength. He's my everything and I am his girl. There are boundaries we just won't cross with one another and respect plays a huge role with us.

So struggling in this area is completely new. Since Blossom was born we have really struggled. And only now that we see daylight am I actually ready to share. We laughed again this last week. And I realised laughter has been gone for 4 months. Dida is a funny guy and he cracked jokes and I giggled. We teased and no-one got upset and ran out of the room (Me usually. Ok, only me.) And fun has been on holiday.

Why don't we talk about how hard this season is? Why don't we actually talk to one another? No-one warned Dida and I that this season could be seriously stressful on our relationship. We are in church, for heaven sake! As most couples have more than one child, others HAVE to have gone through this. Do we wear a mask so much that we are afraid to admit this season is tough on marriage?

I guess so. Because I am starting to talk about it and bringing people to tears. Case in point, yesterday in the parents room I asked someone how they are doing. How they and their hubbie are really doing. And I said we have found it tough. Instant tears. Yes, was the admission. It's really tough. So we shared and then laughed and this girl said she has been feeling so alone. Not good.

And as Dida and I talk we see that others are going through the same. And have gone through the same. And some of you reading this have gone through it. I know who you are! Now that we have gone through it we can see the signs. So why don;t we talk about it? Dida reckons it's because we then label people as "struggling" in their marriage. And that label may not come unstuck. Well, label us at your peril! No, we are not splitting up. No, we do not need counselling (at this stage and never say never). No, this is not forever. It's a short and intense season of hardship that puts incredible stress on a relationship.

We have been so tired that our tanks are completely empty. After Rupi has taken what he needs and likewise Blossom, there's not a lot left for one another. Some nights I just want to lie down and not think another thought. But we are parents and there are endless things to be done. So the snappiness starts and misunderstanding and miscommunication reigns. Horrible.

God has been speaking and this post is already too long. I think I will share again the things He has been saying. They are good and have helped so much.
BUT! Let's be real. Let's care and ask the questions and then open up. I am going to ask and pray and listen. There is a way through and Dida and I will be stronger and more in love. We are in this for the long haul and truly love one another. But it's been rough. And that's keeping it real.



Anonymous said...

Great post Sammy! Thank you for keeping it real! I'm due in about 5 1/2 weeks with our 2nd so I know we have an adjustment time ahead of us. I learned a long time ago that counseling doesn't necessarily mean you have issues, but that you want to have a strong marraige. I know many couples that go to counseling just to keep things going good. We haven't done it ourselves, but I'm never opposed to it. I'll be praying for your family!

Gail said...

Great post Sammy!

I am thinking back! Those intense times do happen and come and go in ebbs and flows.. Parenting in it's early stages right through to forever will add another dimention to marriage relationships for sure.

MJ and I definitely had some times and still do where it feels so hard - and the giving to the kids is constant and to each other there seems to only be "leftovers" - but as you say, they are short periods. They are because of tiredness etc.... not because we are failing in our relationship.

I remember talking stuff out with close friends and at my mothers group to an extent (making sure that it doesn't become a hearing for the dirty laundry!!).

I really had to lean into MJ when the kids were babies... we didn't have a lot of family help around us. Those first few years are exhausting and add the pressure. No doubt about it!

PaisleyJade said...

Such a good post Sammy - all couples go through these times, but like you said, so many are afraid to share about it because they don't want to be labeled as 'struggling'. All relationships have struggles - let's be honest. Thankfully in marriage there is that security that you will stick together and work through it (although these days sadly 'marriage' doesn't mean that anymore).

Keep it real girl - so many will be encouraged by this!

Anonymous said...

This was a great post. Having more than one child definitely put a strain on my relationship with my husband. Like you said, once the kids had taken what they needed it was hard to find anything left for each other. However, our baby is now 10 months old and it is becoming easier to make time just for each other, to laugh and be silly and just BE together. It's a season and seasons will emerge stronger than you were before, and with a new and better appreciation of each other and yourselves as a couple. :)

Amy said...

Ahem. Yes. This season is intense and outrageously tough. Many couples I have spoken to will concur that these early years of parenthood have pushed them to surprising levels of crisis.

Chronic exhaustion and lack of quality time clouds rich communication. It was the time for us that we travelled on fumes of grace rather than buckets of pure love fuel. But it DOES come right. It is 'normal', be reassured if you need to be. And look forward to the growth that comes when this season passes and you experience a 'spring' with getting to know each other again, only you are each better, more patient people!

They say parenthood is to grow the parent, not the child. And I have found this to be true, and to that end, our marriage has had to stretch with the growth.

Keeping it real is good, so is laughing about it. One day you will look back and share with someone else how you journeyed out of this space. Be tender with yourself, and with your man. You need a lot of loving right now...

Be blessed my friend. Feed your soul with beauty and rest much. You will never work this hard again. xxx

These Three Kings said...

Yes, we need to keep it real more often..honesty with the LORD and others leads to REVIVAL in our relationship with Jesus. Kevin and I love biblical counseling. I love what your friend said about it not meaning something bad..girl my husband run to the church whenever we are in those hard times in marriage and believe me, thats a lot lol(meno pause, infertility = wack hormones and please dont add SIN issues ..yikes)
But because we are committed to this covenant we seek GODLY WISE COUNSEL... there is a link of some GREAT BIBLICAL , GODLY counselors for any one reading this..counseling,I tell you the LORD has used the accountabilty from it to change our marriage. I am praying for you, and LOVE how honest and real you are! Praise God!I totally understand where you are coming from!!

Biblical Counselor: (s)

even if no one here needs this link for fuuture use or send to friends :)

Widge said...

Hey Sammy awesome post!
I was just thinking along these same lines myself just days ago. I'm sure many of our couple friends have labled us "struggling" as we often keep it real..maybe too real! to our friends. and yes, it sometimes makes me feel bad, but I've realised just because we are open with our struggles at times doesn't mean we are any worse off than those who don't open up. and hey, at least we are getting heaps of prayer from those that may worry ! haha ;)

I also realised how hard I was on myself after my babies were born. I didn't take into consideration the massive effect it takes on our emotional state, hormones etc

It is a really hard phase of life, and I only wish now I had given myself and Gooseman a bit more slack.
Thanks for your honesty and I'll be praying for you xoxo

Simoney said...

Great post Sammy :)
Love that you are sharing about this.
I have an agreement that I won;t talk about marriage stuff on my blog, but I am totally free to talk about us with (trusted) friends. Would love to cathc upo with you sometimes soon?? Maybe brunch at takapuna beach cafe??? LOL!!

Anonymous said...

always loven' it when ladies get real....
my motto

I felt completely overwhelmed with my second, and found myself saying"what have I done"...I did share, but no one seemed to listen, maybe I wasn't communicating properly. Well, except for the Healer of all!
lol I remember...getting really personal right now, but I do find it so funny, Mr. B's signal for intimate relations...told you it was personal...would be to light the candles in teh bedroom...I would come in behind him and blow them out!!!!!! LMAO
AHHH so good
Anyways, what I will tell you Sammy is that this is a season, and will pass as you are experiencing. The best thing we can do is as you did...ask, really ask how someone is ding. They may clam up or they will share, that is their choice and joureny, I am so glad you shared today
and oh, um, sorry for the long winded comment!

love and light

Sammy said...

Oh Cat! I am loving getting to know you! Thanks for the comment, it made my day and gave me a laugh!!!

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