Thursday, September 22, 2011

Dear me

Us in 2001

It's no secret that I am forever changed by infertility. That 6 year journey was life changing. I don't think that I did it "well" or "had it together" and I think that's part of my journey. I was brought to my knees by infertility and by the time Rupi came, I was shattered emotionally and spiritually. That has humbled me incredibly and I think that's part of His Purpose for me.

I struggled with hope a lot. Trying to be faith filled and hope time and time again. I eventually stopped hoping and dreaming and had to learn how to dream again once Rupi came.

This last weekend I did Beth Moore's live simulcast day. It was beyond awesome. So much spoke to me including a line in a worship song we sang. We sang "His Word secures my Hope".

I wish I could put my arms around the me in the months before Rupi came and tell me this. Tell that me to go back to the first word He spoke and hold onto it. That His Word would secure my hope. That I didn't need to try and hold on. He would secure me.

This was one of the first scriptures I ever got for my future. Back in 1998, way before we started on the journey of trying for a child, I got a promise.

Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young at a place near your altar, O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my King and my God! Psalm 84: 2-4

I lost sight of that first promise in the long wait. I was always looking for the next word to suit the latest challenge. But that first promise was all I needed. Because He did secure my hope. I am living the promise I got all those years ago. We are raising our young near His alter and life is very sweet. Very sweet indeed!



Christine said...

Thank you for posting this! I am nowhere near your 6 year mark, but we are into our 10th month of fertility treatment and it is draining. Im trying to stay positive and keep reminding myself that God has a plan, but I just wish he would share it with me! I am going to write out your scripture and stick it on my fridge! Thanks!

Rebecca said...

Fantastic! I love that verse x

tea said...

That's a scripture that I've noticed before and thought it's paints such a beautiful picture. It's neat that God gave that to you specifically.

I haven't handled infertility well either. I don't even know what that would look like, but I thank God that he is patient and gracious with us through everything.

jennohara said...

Beautiful scripture for sure. You dealt with a lot I'm sure. You're only stronger now because of it all. You are very blessed.

Also glad to see you have your power back! ;)

Cat said...

Hey Sammy
I have a friend who is considering starting a blog, I have sent her your way to read your blog. Just wondering if you know of any fellow bloggers travelling the infertility road? This is a road my friend is travelling - she is a fellow Aucklander and into knitting reading crochet and belly dancing . . .

Elizabeth said...

That is a beautiful scripture...

I haven't traveled the infertility road, however I have had serious health issues - and like yours, it drove me to my knees (and not very prettily either). I was given a verse back when I was 17-18, and before all the health issues - I clung, I gave up, I clung, I gave up, I clung... eventually God came through just like He promised, and like you - life is sweet these days.

Thank you for sharing your story, your blog is inspirational!

Gail said...

Dear You,

I'm so proud of you - this journey you've been on is not by any means an easy one. I don't know that I could have walked it. I'm proud of how graceful, honest, open and real you've been and you are. Though you've struggled with hope, the way that you write about and share this instills hope and encourages others to reach out to Him.
I love you heaps.

Sammy said...

Hey Cat, I did have a circle of infertility bloggers in the beginning but most have babies now or have stopped blogging.
My best suggestion (if you friend is open to it) is to join an on-line forum called Hannah's Prayer
Its incredible, and had different areas where people share and encourage each other, like primary infertility, secondary infertility, pregnancy loss, adoption; adoption loss. It really helped me as you can share with people who know EXACTLY what you are going through and its password protected so you are safe.
Much love to your friend xxx

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post Sammy - what a beautiful thing to see the fulfillment of a word spoken into our heart. May you be reminded everyday that the journey is still going and his word to you is still Hope.x

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