Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Fresh faced hope

My beautiful egg donor is sick, poor girl. So we'll be delaying the start of the cycle until Feb. It will give her some time to build herself up and I will be buying her vitamins galore and stuffing her with fresh fruit smoothies!

It also gives me time to chill out and relax about it all as the start of IVF cycles are always a nervous time for me. Ratty girl emerges and I know I am taking strain!

Plus this is also the season of fresh faced hope for us. We face 2009 with more hope than we have had in years. A possible pregnancy, the growth of a little home based business for me and the chance to love and watch a little person grow up.

Fresh faced hope is new and untarnished and untainted. It lives at the beginning of something. It's hope that sort of knows there may be challenges ahead but lives in the excitement and joy of a favourable outcome. There's also the hope that lives in the middle of the something big. That hope digs it's heels in and weathers the storm. It's a bit battered but still has an optimism about it. Then there's the hope when the something big has not worked out the way we thought it would. That hope is battered, bloody and bowed but not beaten. It's the "even if" hope.

To be honest we have not had a visit from fresh faced hope for a couple of years. It doesn't have a track record of hanging around us long as things have turned to custard for us historically. I long with everything I have that fresh faced hope is here to stay. That this is our season of undiluted favour in all areas.

But I need my heart to acknowledge that the Hope needs to be the hope that I count on. And even if this is not my season of fresh faced hope and favour in the way that I long for, I will be ok. God is God and He is good. My soul needs to re understand His Sovereignty. I have come too far to forget the lessons I have learned in this journey.

I think I need to spend some time with my Jesus and submit to His will. Be unconditional in my love and submission. But oh, wouldn't it be nice for it to be easy for once? And yet, God is good and that my heart knows very well.

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