We have dates!

Woohoo the clinic called and we have dates. Was surprised at how different this is to a "normal" IVF cycle.

Basically getting a fertile girl to produce good eggs is a very different thing to getting someone like me to produce anything. So I am very relieved to say that my donor's cycle will be a lot less intense and a lot easier than mine were. Although for her of course it will be huge as this is the first time she has done anything like this.

She will be on injections for less than 2 weeks and I am so pleased to say that she won't be on Buserelin at all (the drug that squashes all your own body's hormones and puts you into a fake menopause- I hate this drug....!)

We also start drugs at different times, again not what I was expecting. I start my friend Buserelin next Monday 6th April. Yup, the week of our two conferences....yippeeeeeeeeee doodah. But! I only have one injection in the morning with a high dose instead of one in the morning and one at night. This means that there will be no problem working around a night injection at the conferences! Great! And particularly for my special friends who were going to have to take turns doing the night injections!!!!

My beautiful donor starts her drugs on the 15th April and egg collection is sometime in the week of the 27th April.

And... I did the bloods this morning!!

My incredible Mom came along with me to look after the little man (and hold her daughter's hand to be honest!) and it was so good to have her there. We had the best time complete with coffee and muffins and talking. I love my Mom!

Also bumped into someone I have known for ages waiting to have the bloods done. This beautiful God-girl is on a similar journey and it was so very nice to re-connect.

Just in such a good place in all of this. The heart surgery my God has done on me lately has been wonderful and it is such freedom to know that He is searching my heart and making it clean and pure.

And just for a giggle, this is how the smallest man in the house likes to sleep!

Lay it down

Been a bit shocked by myself over the last few days. About stuff that I have been carrying.

Infertility is a hard road. Its tempting to think that I am being dramatic sometimes when I describe the reality of this trial as I am a rather dramatic person, but I am not. If anything most times I tend to down play it.

It's hard and tearing and claws the very breath from you. So sometimes in order to cope with life Infertiles create safety or defence mechanisms. They are often not pretty but in the context of trying to survive infertility and love God and trust Him, I think they are understandable.

One defence mechanism is the shut down of emotion at other girls pregnancy or baby announcements. The one where everything in you tries to be happy for that other person but the pain of it not being your turn (again) is overwhelming. If you truly went there and looked at the possibility of it never being your turn it would just be too much.

The problem is that this defence mechanism turns into a lack of joy at other's successes. If you read infertility blogs this is a common thread that runs through their writing again and again. Girls are angry, frustrated and just upset that it's not their turn. The reality is that you are not happy for someone else.

Again, for those Infertiles reading this, I am going out on a limb here to say that sometimes I think it's ok to feel that. If someone had told me in the middle of just trying to put one foot in front of another, that I was wrong to feel upset that someone was having their third child while I was still waiting, it would be like a knife in my back.

God is talking to me a lot about grace and He is the author of grace. As long as our emotions and feelings and pain drive us back to him, they serve a purpose.

But.

Over the last couple of days I have felt no joy at someone elses success and also an ugly hint of gladness at someones misfortune. Someone I judged to have a "perfect" life. These are both people in blog land and none of my regular readers!

Yuck.

I need to lay some stuff down. The defence mechanisms are no longer needed. I have a child. Who am I not to feel utter and complete joy at someones pregnancy? These feelings crept up on me and utterly shocked me. As the heady euphoria of Rupi's arrival abates a bit (not the joy just the utter newness of it) some things are exposed. Things that may have been excusable at one time but are no longer so.

I lay that defence mechanism at the cross. I (we) need to examine our hearts and lives as we move into new seasons and lay down the things that belong back there.

So as I remove the plank from my eye I find myself returning to some beautiful verses that I have prayed before and ask God to fill me with a joy. A joy that overflows in the face of a pregnancy as well as a heart that weeps at someone elses misfortune. And I pray that God shows me those things I don't need to carry anymore so I can lay them down at the foot of the cross.

"And I will give you a new heart with new and right desires, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stoney heart of sin and give you a new obedient heart." Ezekiel 36:26

"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me" Psalm 51:10

One more step

So... we got an Interim Order with a 6 month gap between the Interim and Final order. We are very happy!

We got a grumpy judge who apparently never deviates from the book so were very fortunate not to wait 12 months between the interim and final orders.

It was very interesting going to court. We were in the family court section and my heart went out to the obviously unhappy groups of people waiting for their turn.

Rupi was Mr Charmie-pants and even got smiles out of the judge- well done son!

All in all we are very thankful to God who was with us and showed us favour once again xxxx

Date with a judge

We go to court tomorrow to get an interim adoption order. Then we get a permanent adoption order after that. I explain here.



Our lawyer said that sometimes (please God!) the judge grants a permanent adoption order then and there.... or the wait between the interim and permanent orders could also be made less than 12 months! Now that would be awesome! So please pray at 10am tomorrow morning for us!!



I was trying to explain to a friend what having the permanent order would do to our hearts and made a total hash of it! It would do something to our hearts, that utter certainty. I don't mean that I worry now that Rupi will be taken from us (he can't be) or that we are not utterly attached (we are), but that final order would seal something inside us all.



Besides all the adoption bumpf (why do one thing when you can adopt, do an egg donor IVF cycle and start a little business all at the same time!) we are waiting for the lab at the clinic to confirm our dates. It may be the week after Easter that we start the drugs/ injections and then I guess 4 to 5 weeks after that to a pregnancy test.



We have two back to back conferences over Easter so I would be happy not to have injections over that time. They have to be given at a very specific time and as I can't give them to myself (I am starting to sweat at the thought) and my hubbie is serving, this would be.... well, difficult. If you are new welcome to my needle phobia.... Because there is no way I could make myself get over it and do them to myself. I have tried, I promise but I can't even look.



So. After Easter would be better. Meantime I feel like I am a bloated puffer fish (gained 2.5kg from the pill thanks so much)...



However, this always makes me feel oh so good

That girl

One of my closest friends came over yesterday and we just chilled together for hours. The conversation ebbed and flowed with ease. We talked of inconsequential nothings and the deep things of God.

We are both facing giants- her redundancy and my infertility but what struck me was the thread of joy that wound itself in and around our conversation. God has been so good to us both. He has blessed us immeasurably.

She has a prince of a man who adores her. This is new and holds the promise of forever. And I have Rupi , the little man who is the apple of my eye. So through the conversations reflecting our pain and challenges there was hope and tenderness and God's blessing.

We prayed over each other and she spoke words over Rupi that went deep into my heart where I will carry them for him until he can understand their significance. I loved every moment of yesterday.

That girl is a queen. I love that girl- a whole lot.

Next little step....

So..... my beautiful donor's red friend has arrived. So she goes on the pill and they start to sync us. Yay (gulp!)!!!!

Conversation today...

Clinic: Hi Sammy, its the clinic here. Just following up as we don't seem to have the results of your screening blood test yet....

Me: Oh really? (how do they think I am going to develop 16 diseases between the last IVF cycle and this one??)

Clinic: Yes, no results in (pause) Have you had the blood test done yet?

Me: Uh.....er......no. Not yet...

Clinic: (brightly) We really need the results of the test before we can start you on drugs. When do you think you will get the blood work done?

Me: ....soon?

He's got my tomorrow

Been a doozy of a week. After the huge emotion of the baby dedication and going on the pill (my body does not like any form of drug!) I got really sick....again. And I need to be well.

Anyway, blah blah, being sick bores me. Does it bore anyone else? I think that's why I try to ignore it and pretend it's not happening which of course prolongs it as I don't medicate myself. It's so DULL being sick.

Anyway (for the second time) I had an amazing revelation over the last few days.

We are struggling financially because we have lost my income. I have always earned a lot (relatively) and now I earn zilcho. This is a season that I have dreaded in a financial sense only, for a long time, try my whole married life. It's an issue of trust so my God tells me.

We have a big offering coming up at church and I burn to give BIG. Who wants to be a stingy-pants anyway? Well, we are struggling to meet our last pledge so how can we step out and pledge more? Plus we are about to spend $10,ooo on treatment so giving anything when we don't have 2 brass beans to rub together does not make natural sense.

My hubbie and I were in discussions about this all last week which of course was a great time to discuss anything of note, given that I was sick and very stable emotionally.

So on Sunday Ps. Neil Smith from Planetshakers was visiting our church and talked about faith. So good. About hearing God, seeing what He sees and then doing. Hearing God and then ignoring what the world says and seeing what God sees. And acting on that.

He talked about the 10 spies going into the promised land (Numbers 13). The land was promised- God said so. They weren't going in to see if the land could be theirs. They were supposed to go in and look for strategies to take the land.

In Joshua 1 God says that everywhere we lay the sole of our foot is land he has given us. That means our dreams too. If you walk through your dreams and imagine what God could do, you are laying the sole of your foot on them. They are yours.

The point is that I have a dream. I have a dream for a business. A huge audacious dream with a primary goal of looking after the widows and orphans. And God whispered in my ear- I have given you that land, the land of your dreams. I just need to spend time with him until the voices of doom and gloom are drowned out and I have strategies for taking the promised land.

I also have a dream to be pregnant- twice! I have walked that dream so often. It's where I have laid the sole of my foot and God says that's it's mine. The voices will try to drown it out- I am too old, it won't work, my body can't carry a child. But I have HEARD God and so I set my face like flint towards Him.

So we can either live and give in terms of the dreams or listen to the world and what it says. Well, I choose God.

He's bigger. And He loves me.

And God is totally blessing us at the moment! This is a list (yes a list!)

• After the service someone (who we love a lot) came up and gave us a cheque towards treatment! We were blown away.
• AND we got given a ton of clothes for the tiny man on the weekend- nice stuff too with some brand new Gap clothes.
• AND somehow our Shout conference registrations got paid for us.
• AND we got an amazing book on raising boys that I have been salivating over.
• AND we are getting some money back from over paid taxes.

God told me that He has my tomorrow and all I need to do is enjoy the now. Totally blessed!

Sweet Pea and her God

We have an open adoption which is great. Well, it's tough a lot but will be great for Rupi one day. One part of it that is never tough is our relationship with the birthmum. She is an incredible young woman with strength and courage beyond her years.

My nickname for her (if I love you, you have a nickname!) is Sweet Pea. When I was growing up my Mom grew sweet peas. They are beautiful, wholesome and smell amazing. Just like my real life Sweet Pea!

Anyway, she has been on my mind quite a bit as she faces this year, getting back into school and learning a new normal. I wanted to do something more than texts and emails. I thought a card and little gift might be nice and so I sent one down to her via a mutual acquaintance. The idea was that Sweet Pea would be given the card/ gift at a time that would be completely unexpected.

So I get a text from her later that day and it blew me away. The day she got the card/gift was the exact anniversary of the day 12 months before that she found out she was pregnant.

God loves her so much. He cares about the details! He redeemed a day that was filled with fear and terror. 12 months later to the day she is reminded that we love her. Not because she carried and birthed Rupi, but because she is who she is. Our Sweet Pea.

He cares about the details of our lives and continues to amaze me with His Love for us all.

Happy Birthday hunny!

My darling has his birthday today and God is soooooo gracious! It's a big one (hint: we are lot older than we look! I still get asked for ID when buying alcohol at the supermarket and they generally do a double take when they see the age on my drivers licence. OK! I am 37! I couldn't hold it in ANYMORE!)........Where was I?

Oh yes, My hubbie's birthday

I was really worried about him reaching this age without a child. Really really worried. Seriously worried. The years of infertility, treatment, miscarriage and then his Dad's death last June added up to a huge toll on him. You know how they (husbands) carry you and are big and strong for you? Underneath he was dying. I could see it and couldn't do a thing. Awful and scary.

So this little miracle is a gift from heaven. He's called the miracle child in our family and he is. One of the meanings of his name is "restorer" and he has restored his Daddy. I am not taking anything away from God in this and He would have given us the strength to survive. Also He is the ultimate Restorer and no-one else. But Rupi is a gift from God and the fulfilment of our dreams and hopes has restored my hubbie.

He is such a wonderful husband and I am incredibly blessed. To be honest I could not imagine a better husband. I am so blessed to share my life with him. I love him more than life itself (but I love Jesus more- just to clarify for you Jesus)

So Happy Birthday my hunny! Love you!

I swore I would never...

....make fun of my son like this!!! I would always respect him and guard his dignity....!!

Our God day

Today was another of those days. A day that held more emotion than I thought was possible.

Today Rupi was dedicated. We stood before our church family as new parents and promised to bring Rupi up to know Him. I really didn't want to do this as baby dedications have only meant pain to me in the past but my hubbie wanted to. His train of thought is that our victory is a victory for the church family (which of course it is) and would encourage those waiting for their miracle.

So we said yes and and invited family to come and be with us. As we stood in worship an entire train of emotion hit me and I just cried. I didn't think it would this big for me. But I was standing with my baby waiting to dedicate him. Me. So called "severely infertile" girl.

We had friends and family clustered around us (our unsaved family came!) and Rupi got awesome prophesy about stuff I have been praying over him. He was so good and was such a cutie!

We asked one the pastors that we love to dedicate Rupi. This pastor is an adoptive Dad and so he gets it. What I love about the way he did the dedication is he didn't go into our journey or how we came to be parents. Because today was not about Rupi being adopted or the adoption story but simply about us as parents and Rupi as our son.

I wept the WHOLE way through. In front of 600 people. Don't care. I was overcome at God's faithfulness and goodness to us.

Finally.

Finally we stood in the place that represented such pain to us and it was redeemed.

Thank you Jesus.

Let's get this circus on the road!

Well, Day 1 is here folks! I start the pill (still find that HILARIOUS even after 3 IVF cycles!!) tomorrow and then wait for my donor to get her red friend and get on the pill band wagon with me.

I think that we'll both be on the pill for at least a week and then stop, get another red friend and then start the drugs.

We will both be on Gonal-F which basically stops all your body's hormones in it's tracks. Think menopause... Then my donor will start an artificial controlled cycle with more drugs on top of the Gonal-F. We both have to stay on the Gonal-F to stop our bodies kicking in and doing what they do naturally i.e. controlling ovulation, number of eggs, when everything happens etc.

As I react to "wonderfully" to drugs I feel like poos on Gonal-F with nausea, hot flushes to name a few side effects. However maybe as I am at home and not at work pretending everything is normal, it will be better?

Anyway, let's not go there because I have a minor miracle to report! I only have to have 3 BLOOD TESTS throughout the whole thing!!!! I have a phobia about blood tests as I have had so many and the one arm is too scarred to give blood blah blah anyway! I only have to have 3 and the third one is the pregnancy test. When I heard I ran circles around the living room!

Small things but He remembers the details. This may be a circus but He's the ringmaster!

Grades of miracles

Well... my red friend is imminent. This is a lot of (possibly unwanted) info and we are going places that may make you uncomfortable in the next couple of months.... just warning ya.

So anyway.

Normally this time is one where I weep and hope against hope and then often get mad. But actually I am fine. I did not place an expectation on God this time, I mean, I hoped and prayed but left the outcome alone. The terrier in me did not worry the possible outcome to death and then lie exhausted and howl at God when it did not work out the way I hoped.

It's ok. It's ok to be here. Well, the only thing that's not ok are all the blood tests and pain associated with them but I won't go there as my breathing has just quickened.

And the question I am asking myself is this. Is an "egg donor IVF cycle baby" any less of a miracle than a "natural conception baby"?

Funny, but I see in people's eyes that it is. When I talked about adoption over waiting for God to open my womb naturally I saw the look in their eyes. Ahhh... less of a miracle. Less of God. Less faith. More natural and less supernatural.

God has already said to me that the miracle is not how we have a baby but what happens along the way. And a lot has happened. Rupi's conception, birth and now life with us is a miracle. The odds of what happened happening with all the natural and spiritual opposition is completely miraculous. So much came against this God ordained process.

So is the fact that we have adopted less of a miracle? And the fact that we will go into a clinic and be helped along the way to a pregnancy (by faith!) less of a miracle? I have to say no.

Part of me would love to defy the medical world and stun our family and friends with a natural pregnancy. But why? Is that showing God's Glory more than a little 7 day old placed in my arms to be my son? That day our entire world saw God's Glory and rejoiced.

I can't grade miracles. So I am ok to be here, waiting for my red friend to show up and get this show on the road.

Bring it on! (but not the blood tests....!)

4 months of joy

Today my son is 4 months old! My son.

I don't think I will ever grow tired of saying that. I am so grateful that Rupi, our "son of vision/ restorer" is here. Thank you God! We waited so long to meet him and he is just adorable. I love his personality and can't wait to see what mighty things he will do for his Jesus.

I can't describe what a joy he is and how I feel as words are just inadequate. I will just let Rupi speak for himself......

And lastly, raspberries to everyone!

God decides

Been struggling with fear lately- my old nemesis. That old grab-me-by-the-throat, wake-up-at-4am-with-heart-pounding fear. Funny but lots of people at church have "suddenly" been struggling with fear. An attack it seems... dumb enemy.


I am worried about finances and the upcoming treatment cycle. Really... worried about everything! Well, not worried about Rupi and the hubbie and the family and my friends so not actually everything. Just feels like everything at times. The overwhelming feeling of fear- in other words, a spiritual attack.


So anyway, God showed me a passage from Joshua that has really been a cornerstone of my life experience over the last 6 years. This is the set of verses he gave me before we started walking through infertility and it seems they are as relevant today as they were then.

No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you.
6 “Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. 8 Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. 9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1: 5-9

This is pretty strong and does not mince words. God is commanding me to be strong and brave. He promises me that he won't abandon me and promises that nothing (ie dumb tricks of the dumb enemy) will be able to succeed against me.



Note to self: God does not promise me that things won't come against me, just that they will not stand or succeed. Hmm...



There's also a vital clue as to how we manage those times when we need to be strong and brave. Meditate on the word- get into the bible- study it, absorb it and get it into my head/ heart/ soul. So for me right now, my quiet times are not good to have, they are essential. I have started getting up at 6am and having a time with God before the boy wakes up at 7am and it's great. I love it.



In the middle of one of my (daily/ hourly) worry sessions I was worrying over the IVF cycle. My hubbie has said that this is the last one. He can't commit our family to more emotional, financial and physical (my body does not take well to the IVF drugs) outlay. I agree with him and support his decision. But I could not stop thinking "this is the last one'..."this is the last chance". The last chance to be pregnant. And suddenly God spoke into my heart "I decide". It was like clarity returned and I could breathe.

God decides if it's my last chance. He decides how many children we have.

He decides.

It brought such peace to me. He decides. So I don't have to worry. He spoke a similar word to me during the heinousness (new Sammy word) and powerlessness of the adoption process. He said "They don't choose you, I choose them" In other words I decide. I decide where Rupi begins.

God decides. He alone. And I find myself at peace knowing that.